Unsolicited Parenting Advice?

[Deleted]

I'm sure we've done a thread about this before, but I'm sure it's a never ending thing, so I have to bring it up again.
Why is it that people feel so entitled to give advice on parenting? I don't mind if I ask someone specifically for their opinion, but really?

My daughter is 2.5. We've been working on potty training for a few months now, and are having a difficult time with it. She seems interested, then doesn't anymore. I don't try to push once she loses interest because she becomes frustrated, and doesn't want anything to do with it, so I give it two or three weeks and try again. My cousin (who does not have children) is always telling me that I should punish her when she doesn't go on the potty, and no matter how many times I tell her that I'm not going to do that, she still brings it up. She constantly makes remarks about how DD needs to stop using diapers and how important it is that I get her potty trained. I'm trying, but I also believe that every child has their own timeline for milestones, and that pushing her to do something she isn't ready for will only ruin the progress I do make with her. I also am not the type of parent who punishes my child for mistakes, because she is only two, and there is a difference between an accident and blatant misbehavior. I just want her to leave me alone about it, and have stopped hanging out with her so I don't have to hear it anymore.

What unsolicited advice do you get from others? And how do you handle it?

[honeylemon]

Omg punishing for not using the potty is the worst thing a parent could do (in regards to potty training, obviously)! Yikes. Yeah, that is awful advice.

My parents' parenting style is completely opposite from mine, so not surprisingly they give me all kinds of awful, unwanted advice. They're the kind of people who believe you have to "break your child's will" as if you're raising an animal instead of a human being. It's disgusting and it takes everything in me to not blow up at them every time they say it.

[rocksforludo]

I have perfected this face (it comes naturally) and people usually stop with the advice halfway through.



Seriously though, I'm not trying to make light of your situation. I just don't care what people have to say and they are the ones who look like assholes when they push it. I do think it's hardest to take that kind of advice when you're unsure or questioning your own approach, which happens to all moms at some point. The only thing I can really do is make sure I'm not that person who is giving unsolicited advice to other moms.

[shmee]

I tend to just smile and nod because it avoids conflict and that's my personality. Then I let it go in one ear and out the other. MIL is the queen of unsolicited advice and her parenting is very different than mine, but for me again it's easier to just smile and pretend to care.

[jennygirlmt]

That's some terrible advice ?

My DD is 27 months (DD1 was trained by this point). I sit her on the potty but haven't tried to train because she is going into the hospital in 2 weeks for a bone marrow transplant, will be there about 6 weeks. I have no idea how she'll feel, whether she'd have to go back to diapers anyway if we had, blah blah blah. Plus we'll have plenty of time when we are quarantined at home for a few months. No joke my mom made a comment about "oh, will she just train with the new baby." I lost my shit on her.

I rarely get it but usually have no problem ether ignoring it or saying I disagree, but thanks anyway.

Other than my moms potty training comments I can't think of anything else specific.

[Deleted]

I am one of the first of my friends to have a baby so not much coming from them (thankfully). Most of the advice I get comes from my mom.

I actually like the advice my mom gives me...but DH thinks I take too much of her advice instead of trying to figure things out with him first. I'll admit I have done that at times with various things (just taken what she said as fact instead of doing my own research/talking to DH)...but now he perceives my mom as super pushy and I have to be very careful when bringing up any advice she has given me (even the good stuff).

In reality she is not pushy at all...she could actually care less whether or not I follow her advice. I just need to include DH more in my thought processes.

[Deleted]

Feb 10, 2015 21:33:04 GMT -5 jennygirlmt said:

That's some terrible advice ?

My DD is 27 months (DD1 was trained by this point). I sit her on the potty but haven't tried to train because she is going into the hospital in 2 weeks for a bone marrow transplant, will be there about 6 weeks. I have no idea how she'll feel, whether she'd have to go back to diapers anyway if we had, blah blah blah. Plus we'll have plenty of time when we are quarantined at home for a few months. No joke my mom made a comment about "oh, will she just train with the new baby." I lost my shit on her.

I rarely get it but usually have no problem ether ignoring it or saying I disagree, but thanks anyway.

Other than my moms potty training comments I can't think of anything else specific.

I can't believe your mom said that! I would be livid. Good for you to stick up for yourself--I hope I can be like that once baby comes.

[honeylemon]

Feb 10, 2015 21:33:04 GMT -5 jennygirlmt said:

That's some terrible advice ?

My DD is 27 months (DD1 was trained by this point). I sit her on the potty but haven't tried to train because she is going into the hospital in 2 weeks for a bone marrow transplant, will be there about 6 weeks. I have no idea how she'll feel, whether she'd have to go back to diapers anyway if we had, blah blah blah. Plus we'll have plenty of time when we are quarantined at home for a few months. No joke my mom made a comment about "oh, will she just train with the new baby." I lost my shit on her.

I rarely get it but usually have no problem ether ignoring it or saying I disagree, but thanks anyway.

Other than my moms potty training comments I can't think of anything else specific.

Omg, I'll be thinking of you all. I definitely wouldn't worry about potty training right now!

[soyboy]

A friend who has a child the same age as my DS (21m) AND was a breast feeding mom asked me how I was going to go about breast feeding my newborn while my son is around. She was kind of shocked that I would breastfeed my daughter in front of my 2 year old son. She was like 'yeah, every time you do a feed you will have to go in a different room...' um, no. First of all, I BF in public without issue, why in the world would I feel the need to step out of the room so that my 2 year old doesn't see??? I dont get it.

[snapdragon]

@sastahlman that is terrible advice. And she's only 2.5! My DD is super stubborn, and the more I pushed her the less she wanted to. It had to be her idea. Once she felt like it (after she turned 3, btw), we went from 100% diapers to underwear at bedtime in 3 days.

My MIL is always telling me I should give in when DD throws a fit, give her whatever she wants to eat, let her watch as much TV as she wants, and let her stay up late. She's constantly making me out to be a dictator just for setting reasonable rules and sticking to them. It's starting to become very clear why SIL is the way she is.

[soyboy]

Also, the cashier at Joanne Fabrics suggested to me that I get a 'leash' for my son because its the only way to manage a toddler in public...

[honeylemon]

Feb 10, 2015 22:26:00 GMT -5 soyboy said:

A friend who has a child the same age as my DS (21m) AND was a breast feeding mom asked me how I was going to go about breast feeding my newborn while my son is around. She was kind of shocked that I would breastfeed my daughter in front of my 2 year old son. She was like 'yeah, every time you do a feed you will have to go in a different room...' um, no. First of all, I BF in public without issue, why in the world would I feel the need to step out of the room so that my 2 year old doesn't see??? I dont get it.

Wha?!?! That is bizarre. I nurse DD in front of my 4 year old. He doesn't even notice. And if she keeps nursing, I'll be tandem nursing her and the new baby so... yeah...

[honeylemon]

Feb 10, 2015 22:26:47 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

@sastahlman that is terrible advice. And she's only 2.5! My DD is super stubborn, and the more I pushed her the less she wanted to. It had to be her idea. Once she felt like it (after she turned 3, btw), we went from 100% diapers to underwear at bedtime in 3 days.

DS was exactly the same. He was 3 yr 3 mo.

We did use the Potty Tots program for fun and he enjoyed it a lot.

[shmee]

Feb 10, 2015 22:26:00 GMT -5 soyboy said:

A friend who has a child the same age as my DS (21m) AND was a breast feeding mom asked me how I was going to go about breast feeding my newborn while my son is around. She was kind of shocked that I would breastfeed my daughter in front of my 2 year old son. She was like 'yeah, every time you do a feed you will have to go in a different room...' um, no. First of all, I BF in public without issue, why in the world would I feel the need to step out of the room so that my 2 year old doesn't see??? I dont get it.

Wow really? That would have never in a million years crossed my mind as being an "issue."

People are whack.

[soyboy]

Feb 10, 2015 22:35:37 GMT -5 honeylemon said:

Feb 10, 2015 22:26:47 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

@sastahlman that is terrible advice. And she's only 2.5! My DD is super stubborn, and the more I pushed her the less she wanted to. It had to be her idea. Once she felt like it (after she turned 3, btw), we went from 100% diapers to underwear at bedtime in 3 days.

DS was exactly the same. He was 3 yr 3 mo.

We did use the Potty Tots program for fun and he enjoyed it a lot.

I already know my son will be a late potty trainer. He is scared of the toilet flushing and gets scared for me whenever I sit on the toilet. It stresses him out, lol. That Potty Tots program looks cute. May have to get that.

[robotpcr]

I remember my mom nursing my brother. I was 6. I have nice memories of that time.

[amelandre]

I am not looking forward to potty training...
When I was an Au Pair, I had to train 3.5 year old twin girls. It was a fricken nightmare. Especially because their parents decided "No more diapers! Yay!" within my first three days working with them.

At least i know it can't POSSIBLY be that bad with my own kids...

[shmee]

Feb 10, 2015 22:54:18 GMT -5 amelandre said:

I am not looking forward to potty training...
When I was an Au Pair, I had to train 3.5 year old twin girls. It was a fricken nightmare. Especially because their parents decided "No more diapers! Yay!" within my first three days working with them.

At least i know it can't POSSIBLY be that bad with my own kids...

I can only speak from my own experience but I don't think it's *that* bad if you do it when the kid is really ready. Trying to force them because of pressures or you think it's time is only gonna end up in frustration for everyone

[Deleted]

jennygirlmt- I'll be keeping your DD in my thoughts and prayers!

snapdragon and honeylemon, I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that she has absolutely no experience raising a child, but feels the need to push her ideas onto me. I may not be an expert on children, but I am an expert on what works for my child, and it pisses me off when someone tries to act like I dont. It's also really nice to hear about other children who took longer to potty train. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable with my decision not to push her.

[honeylemon]

Feb 10, 2015 22:59:47 GMT -5 @sastahlman said:

jennygirlmt- I'll be keeping your DD in my thoughts and prayers!

snapdragon and honeylemon, I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that she has absolutely no experience raising a child, but feels the need to push her ideas onto me. I may not be an expert on children, but I am an expert on what works for my child, and it pisses me off when someone tries to act like I dont. It's also really nice to hear about other children who took longer to potty train. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable with my decision not to push her.

Yeah, that's obnoxious. I'd straight up tell her what horrible advice that is and how she should shut it until she has experience raising a child.

[Deleted]

Feb 10, 2015 23:03:33 GMT -5 honeylemon said:

Feb 10, 2015 22:59:47 GMT -5 @sastahlman said:

jennygirlmt- I'll be keeping your DD in my thoughts and prayers!

snapdragon and honeylemon, I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that she has absolutely no experience raising a child, but feels the need to push her ideas onto me. I may not be an expert on children, but I am an expert on what works for my child, and it pisses me off when someone tries to act like I dont. It's also really nice to hear about other children who took longer to potty train. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable with my decision not to push her.

Yeah, that's obnoxious. I'd straight up tell her what horrible advice that is and how she should shut it until she has experience raising a child.

If I hear the words "diaper" or "potty" come out of her mouth again, I'm sure that what comes out of my mouth will not be that polite

[smilz4782]

I not only remember my mom Bfing my little brother, I remember my older brother (he would have been close to if not already 7 and I was 3.5-4) and myself asking for tastes! We would go get the pink plastic Baskin Robbins spoons from the drawer and get tastes!!
I'm scarred for LYFE y'all don't let your TWO year old see!!

[honeylemon]

Feb 10, 2015 23:33:46 GMT -5 smilz4782 said:

I not only remember my mom Bfing my little brother, I remember my older brother (he would have been close to if not already 7 and I was 3.5-4) and myself asking for tastes! We would go get the pink plastic Baskin Robbins spoons from the drawer and get tastes!!
I'm scarred for LYFE y'all don't let your TWO year old see!!

Ha. ILY

[Poppy]

My sister was kinda funny about a carrier. She said they never used theirs and blah blah. She had a preemie and I'm pretty sure a Baby Bjorn. They also didn't go out much because she was done at Camp Pendleton with her H. They just took the infant seat everywhere. She said she felt like he was never secure in it. That's been the most annoying thing. Really though that's so up to the parent to use. I'm hoping we can wear the little guy lots.

She currently potty training her boys and I feel for her. Just watching her chase the boys around at Dave and Busters tonight makes me appreciate the work she puts in. 3 and 4 is no easy task!

[rocksforludo]

Feb 10, 2015 22:26:00 GMT -5 soyboy said:

A friend who has a child the same age as my DS (21m) AND was a breast feeding mom asked me how I was going to go about breast feeding my newborn while my son is around. She was kind of shocked that I would breastfeed my daughter in front of my 2 year old son. She was like 'yeah, every time you do a feed you will have to go in a different room...' um, no. First of all, I BF in public without issue, why in the world would I feel the need to step out of the room so that my 2 year old doesn't see??? I dont get it.

That is legitimately weird.  Did she provide any reasoning?   Can you ask her?  I'm nosy and I really want to know.

[robotpcr]

Feb 10, 2015 23:33:46 GMT -5 smilz4782 said:

I not only remember my mom Bfing my little brother, I remember my older brother (he would have been close to if not already 7 and I was 3.5-4) and myself asking for tastes! We would go get the pink plastic Baskin Robbins spoons from the drawer and get tastes!!
I'm scarred for LYFE y'all don't let your TWO year old see!!

Ha!  I remember tasting my mom's when I was 6.

[sarahbmcd]

We've been potty training the 3.5 boy I nanny for about 2 months. He just wasn't interested at all before. He's doing great, just won't poop in the potty.
We tried when he was 2.5 but gave up. He had absolutely no interest and had a baby sister coming soon so we put it off. It's been pretty easy (besides the poop thing)

[veganontuesdays]

This is the part of parenting I am NOT looking forward to. I get ragey when my friend who works at the Humane Society tells me how to train my dog when she has NEVER owned one. I get that you work at the Humane Society and I am super stoked for you BUT until you have a dog I don't want to hear it. If I get this feisty over my dog I can only imagine how I am going to feel about my kid.

[rels09]

Oh yeah, our friend who is potty training his 19 month old gave us attitude about our 2.5 year old DD not being potty trained, too. From his comments, it was completely obvious that he had no idea how different 1.5 is from 2.5 in the way most kids approach things. But they are obnoxiously braggy parents anyway - they bragged on FB about what an "angel" their DD was for sleeping through a one-hour flight at 3 months of age. Wow, much impressed.

[purpleroses]

With strangers I mostly ignore unsolicited advice and don't confront them about it. My mom isn't too bad about this, but every now and then tries to push some idea on me that is totally the opposite of our parenting style and I'm more likely to specifically tell her that I don't plan to follow her advice than anyone else.

My ILs and the women in my husband's family are the pushiest people we know in terms of constantly telling us that we ought to reconsider doing this, that, and the other thing, and my response to them usually depends on how annoyed I am with them at the time the advice is given and how rudely it is phrased (have you thought about doing this? versus implying our choices are leading to the ultimate downfall of our family). His parents and aunt are both coming out in a few weeks for DS' birthday and I am not looking forward to listening to their ongoing commentary while trying to put together a party at 31 weeks pregnant. Last year while I was preparing for DS' first birthday party, my MIL followed me around asking me things like did I really mean to put this here and where was I intending to set up coffee for people who want it (I wasn't, but thanks). Obviously, her advice is not just limited to how to raise children.