The Donor Sperm Path: What I wish I'd known in the beginning
Sept 8, 2016 13:09:35 GMT -5
Post by CurlySu717 on Sept 8, 2016 13:09:35 GMT -5
Hi, Friends,
As you may know, we have spent the last 9 months pursuing pregnancy with donor sperm in light of our severe MFI. As I come to the end of this chapter of our fertility journey, I wanted to offer up our experience in the hope that what we have learned the hard way may be helpful to someone else. While I don’t regret taking this path, it could have been a lot easier if I’d known then what I know now.
Admins, if you like my post, feel free to make it “sticky;” otherwise I have tried to make the title searchable.
Donor Sperm and My Physician
My physician was clueless about using donor sperm. I’m not sure why; I didn’t think it was such an unusual path to take. They had no insight to offer us in selecting a donor in terms of recommending what to look for, what red flags to watch out for, and other general guidelines. She and the embryologist did not know anything about the different prep types available from the sperm bank. One time they labeled the donor sperm with my husband’s name and date of birth. Several times they tried to get my husband to schedule sample collections in conjunction with the IUIs, which we obviously didn’t need. When they scheduled one IUI, I realized I had forgotten to arrange shipment of the vials; they hadn’t bothered to remind me. My physician chewed me out over it. I wish I had asked how much experience she had with patients choosing this option. I expected a lot of education and support from them, and I didn’t get it. I was surprised at the extent to which I was left to my own devices in coordinating everything. Be prepared to be the one driving this train.
Additionally, even though I have no known diagnoses that could contribute to infertility, she initially treated me as a female-factor infertility patient and put me on a huge dose of Clomid for my first cycle. I didn’t question it, but I should have. I over-responded and was forced to cancel the cycle. Be wary of this and speak up. If you don’t have any diagnoses of your own, you probably aren’t going to need 100mg of Clomid to stim for an IUI cycle. Her mistake literally cost me money.
Sperm Banks
It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, the sperm banks are still for-profit organizations. I expected to be treated as a patient; in reality I think they’re more similar to car salesmen – nice enough, but they don’t have your best interests at heart. Some of them have an online chat feature, which is tempting to use when you don’t feel like talking to a real person, but you may not get the information you need. I recommend always picking up the phone.
Picking a donor: There’s really no right or wrong way to do this once you’ve accounted for blood type, Rh factor, and other important genetic matching (such as being a carrier of a genetic disorder). Make a list of what’s important to you (height, eye color, hair color and texture, etc) and most banks allow you to sort donors accordingly. Some offer a feature where you can upload a picture of your partner or a celebrity and they will face-match that person against the donors. Regarding known vs unknown donors: We picked an unknown donor and I later regretted it. I felt guilty about depriving a child of the ability to know where he comes from. Be 110% sure on this decision before you buy.
Prep type: There’s no industry standard, so this will vary from bank to bank. Be sure to ask what the guaranteed minimum count is for each prep type and how many vials they recommend you use per procedure (whether it’s IUI or IVF). Then ask your physician what the minimum count they want is and buy accordingly. I wasted close to $3000 on an IUI cycle with a sample that I bought with a guaranteed count of only 7 million pre-wash because (1) I didn’t realize it was a different prep type than what I had previously bought and the person I talked to when I ordered it didn’t feel the need to make me aware of that fact, and (2) the person I talked to when I ordered it didn’t feel the need to make me aware that they recommend you use 2 of that type of vial per IUI.
How much to buy: This is largely going to depend on how much money you want to spend. We bought 4 at first, but then several months later decided we wanted to do 6 cycles. In that time our donor pretty much sold out, which is how I wound up buying that crappy prep type by accident – it was all that was left. (We probably should have just changed donors.) Donors seem to sell out quickly so plan accordingly; you may want to choose a backup or two. We initially hoped to have multiple children that were full siblings, but in retrospect I don’t think this was a reasonable expectation. If that’s important to you, you may want to buy as much as you think you would ever want up front.
Special offers and guarantees: Again, they want to make a buck, and I have found that they will not always volunteer information about special offers and guarantees. Some banks offer a “pregnancy pledge,” where you can get a free vial after so many failed cycles. Some have some sort of BOGO offer. They should all offer a quality guarantee, so if the counts aren’t what they promised, get on the phone. Some offer a buy-back of unused vials, but only if they’ve never left the sperm bank.
Other Thoughts
I found cycling to be physically, emotionally, and psychologically exhausting (and we were doing IUIs; I can't imagine what you ladies who are IVF vets have been through!). My DH pushed to keep going after I was ready to cry “Uncle.” It’s easy for your partner to say “Let’s keep trying” when keeping trying doesn’t require anything from him/her physically. You’re in charge of your body. When you’re done, tell your partner you’re done – if you need a third-party mediator, a little marriage therapy can be a good thing.
We told our immediate family (parents and siblings) what we were up to, but we didn’t go public. Our families took it pretty well; had we gotten pregnant, I don’t think it would have mattered to any of them, ever. In terms of going public, we felt like it was our child’s story to tell if they want to someday. Had we gotten pregnant, I would have let the child decide whether to check out the DCI (Donor-Conceived Individuals) registry to look for siblings. I know of DCI people who have done this and had great experiences.
If you’re interested…I’ve covered most of the points of interest in our journey already. My DH has a count of zero and I have no contributing diagnoses. Our first cycle was cancelled and we’ve done a total of 5 cycles since. We have a 6th vial left but it will only have a count of 7 million or so and is probably not worth using for a 6th cycle. I have never had a BFP so probably there is something going on with me, but obviously I haven't had an especially stellar physician so who knows how much of it is poor medical management. We’re moving on to adoption. I don’t hang out here much anymore, but feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk. There’s not too many on the Donor Sperm path and it’s always good to stick together.
As you may know, we have spent the last 9 months pursuing pregnancy with donor sperm in light of our severe MFI. As I come to the end of this chapter of our fertility journey, I wanted to offer up our experience in the hope that what we have learned the hard way may be helpful to someone else. While I don’t regret taking this path, it could have been a lot easier if I’d known then what I know now.
Admins, if you like my post, feel free to make it “sticky;” otherwise I have tried to make the title searchable.
Donor Sperm and My Physician
My physician was clueless about using donor sperm. I’m not sure why; I didn’t think it was such an unusual path to take. They had no insight to offer us in selecting a donor in terms of recommending what to look for, what red flags to watch out for, and other general guidelines. She and the embryologist did not know anything about the different prep types available from the sperm bank. One time they labeled the donor sperm with my husband’s name and date of birth. Several times they tried to get my husband to schedule sample collections in conjunction with the IUIs, which we obviously didn’t need. When they scheduled one IUI, I realized I had forgotten to arrange shipment of the vials; they hadn’t bothered to remind me. My physician chewed me out over it. I wish I had asked how much experience she had with patients choosing this option. I expected a lot of education and support from them, and I didn’t get it. I was surprised at the extent to which I was left to my own devices in coordinating everything. Be prepared to be the one driving this train.
Additionally, even though I have no known diagnoses that could contribute to infertility, she initially treated me as a female-factor infertility patient and put me on a huge dose of Clomid for my first cycle. I didn’t question it, but I should have. I over-responded and was forced to cancel the cycle. Be wary of this and speak up. If you don’t have any diagnoses of your own, you probably aren’t going to need 100mg of Clomid to stim for an IUI cycle. Her mistake literally cost me money.
Sperm Banks
It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, the sperm banks are still for-profit organizations. I expected to be treated as a patient; in reality I think they’re more similar to car salesmen – nice enough, but they don’t have your best interests at heart. Some of them have an online chat feature, which is tempting to use when you don’t feel like talking to a real person, but you may not get the information you need. I recommend always picking up the phone.
Picking a donor: There’s really no right or wrong way to do this once you’ve accounted for blood type, Rh factor, and other important genetic matching (such as being a carrier of a genetic disorder). Make a list of what’s important to you (height, eye color, hair color and texture, etc) and most banks allow you to sort donors accordingly. Some offer a feature where you can upload a picture of your partner or a celebrity and they will face-match that person against the donors. Regarding known vs unknown donors: We picked an unknown donor and I later regretted it. I felt guilty about depriving a child of the ability to know where he comes from. Be 110% sure on this decision before you buy.
Prep type: There’s no industry standard, so this will vary from bank to bank. Be sure to ask what the guaranteed minimum count is for each prep type and how many vials they recommend you use per procedure (whether it’s IUI or IVF). Then ask your physician what the minimum count they want is and buy accordingly. I wasted close to $3000 on an IUI cycle with a sample that I bought with a guaranteed count of only 7 million pre-wash because (1) I didn’t realize it was a different prep type than what I had previously bought and the person I talked to when I ordered it didn’t feel the need to make me aware of that fact, and (2) the person I talked to when I ordered it didn’t feel the need to make me aware that they recommend you use 2 of that type of vial per IUI.
How much to buy: This is largely going to depend on how much money you want to spend. We bought 4 at first, but then several months later decided we wanted to do 6 cycles. In that time our donor pretty much sold out, which is how I wound up buying that crappy prep type by accident – it was all that was left. (We probably should have just changed donors.) Donors seem to sell out quickly so plan accordingly; you may want to choose a backup or two. We initially hoped to have multiple children that were full siblings, but in retrospect I don’t think this was a reasonable expectation. If that’s important to you, you may want to buy as much as you think you would ever want up front.
Special offers and guarantees: Again, they want to make a buck, and I have found that they will not always volunteer information about special offers and guarantees. Some banks offer a “pregnancy pledge,” where you can get a free vial after so many failed cycles. Some have some sort of BOGO offer. They should all offer a quality guarantee, so if the counts aren’t what they promised, get on the phone. Some offer a buy-back of unused vials, but only if they’ve never left the sperm bank.
Other Thoughts
I found cycling to be physically, emotionally, and psychologically exhausting (and we were doing IUIs; I can't imagine what you ladies who are IVF vets have been through!). My DH pushed to keep going after I was ready to cry “Uncle.” It’s easy for your partner to say “Let’s keep trying” when keeping trying doesn’t require anything from him/her physically. You’re in charge of your body. When you’re done, tell your partner you’re done – if you need a third-party mediator, a little marriage therapy can be a good thing.
We told our immediate family (parents and siblings) what we were up to, but we didn’t go public. Our families took it pretty well; had we gotten pregnant, I don’t think it would have mattered to any of them, ever. In terms of going public, we felt like it was our child’s story to tell if they want to someday. Had we gotten pregnant, I would have let the child decide whether to check out the DCI (Donor-Conceived Individuals) registry to look for siblings. I know of DCI people who have done this and had great experiences.
If you’re interested…I’ve covered most of the points of interest in our journey already. My DH has a count of zero and I have no contributing diagnoses. Our first cycle was cancelled and we’ve done a total of 5 cycles since. We have a 6th vial left but it will only have a count of 7 million or so and is probably not worth using for a 6th cycle. I have never had a BFP so probably there is something going on with me, but obviously I haven't had an especially stellar physician so who knows how much of it is poor medical management. We’re moving on to adoption. I don’t hang out here much anymore, but feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk. There’s not too many on the Donor Sperm path and it’s always good to stick together.
