I don't understand moms who won't leave their kids for even an hour. I've been trying to plan a night out for my local moms group and almost no one wants to come because it would mean going out and leaving the kid(s) at home.
I have several friends like this. One has only left her son twice and he just turned three.
Wow! While I don't like to be away from my kids for too long, since I work full time and already feel I don't get enough time with them, a night out with out them is needed every so often. It re charges me, and makes me not forget me. And I enjoy my time with them more too.
ETA, But paying for a babysitter also makes going out restrictive. We do not have family near by, so it has to be something I really want to do.
I get 'can't go out, don't have childcare'. We don't have any family here either, and paying a sitter is $$ for sure. But this isn't the case for many of these women - in fact LOL one of the women who is going is a single mom. I know a few moms who won't even leave the baby with dad.
Still don't understand a refusal to, ever for any amount of time, leave your 14mo with their father.
What I mean is that everyone has different levels of anxiety or guilt associated with leaving their kids home to go do something for themselves. I have personally had a very hard time asking for help to get time to myself, so I understand. I don't like to ask DH to take on more than he already does. We are a team and both work incredibly hard. We also don't have the $ or family nearby to help out so we can spend much needed time alone. Everyone's situation is different and honestly, you don't have to understand. You can guess at their finances, anxiety/emotional status, relationships with their husband or family, etc. but why? If you can go out and have fun, go ahead and don't worry about what everyone else is doing.
FTR, I'm not trying to be rude, just trying to offer a different perspective.
Post by creepyeyeball on Sept 9, 2016 16:25:54 GMT -5
I will admit, I don't like being away from my kids. It's even part of why I have homebirths. The birth of #2 was the very first time I was away from #1 overnight and it was awful for me. In all of my mothering years, I hadn't been away from all the kids overnight for the first time until last year - and it was hard for me. I missed them. DH and I have friends who go on week long vacations without the kids and we don't get it. We would enjoy ourselves for like a day and then we would start missing the kids and be miserable. Plus, we could never justify spending money on a trip that was just for us.
We like doing things as a family. I like doing things with my kids. It's probably why I have so few friends and I'm fine with that. The friends I do have (mostly also homeschoolers) don't like doing things without theirs either.
Also, by the end of the day or weekend, I don't have the energy to go out for a girls' night or whatever. I want to put on PJs and snuggle on the couch with a glass of wine.
I will admit, I don't like being away from my kids. It's even part of why I have homebirths. The birth of #2 was the very first time I was away from #1 overnight and it was awful for me. In all of my mothering years, I hadn't been away from all the kids overnight for the first time until last year - and it was hard for me. I missed them. DH and I have friends who go on week long vacations without the kids and we don't get it. We would enjoy ourselves for like a day and then we would start missing the kids and be miserable. Plus, we could never justify spending money on a trip that was just for us.
We like doing things as a family. I like doing things with my kids. It's probably why I have so few friends and I'm fine with that. The friends I do have (mostly also homeschoolers) don't like doing things without theirs either.
Also, by the end of the day or weekend, I don't have the energy to go out for a girls' night or whatever. I want to put on PJs and snuggle on the couch with a glass of wine.
To each their own, like I said - but the bolded bothers me. Because I enjoy a little time to myself doesn't mean I don't also like doing things with my kid. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I can see how that came out wrong. What I meant is that we enjoy that time together more than alone time. Time to myself isn't as fun for me as with the kids. Plus, time outside of the home isn't really fun for me at all. If given a choice to go out for a mom night at the movie theater eith friends or rent a movie and watch it at home with my people, I will choose home every single time. The other would never be as fun for me.
ETA - I do value me time. It's just that the things I enjoy that are for me revolve around home. I look forward to a few hours alone in the garden or whatever, but I like knowing that the kids are right there in the house beside me.
I think it is good for my girls to see me trying to maintain friendships with my girlfriends and with DH. LO is obviously too small to understand and she has been in bed so far every time we have gone out so she wouldn't notice but I like explaining to DD1 that either I'm go out with my friends or that DH and I are going on a date.
We have dates about every 2 weeks or I go for ladies night. Hiring someone isn't too expensive here when we both go out but in VA we did a kid swap with some friends once that worked well.
We left DD1 twice for long weekends when we lived in Manila. Once with my parents and once with the helper. She was almost 2 the first time and just more than 2 the second time. The I left her one more time a few weeks later for a ladies vacation. When LO stops BFing I plan on a ladies vacation. We don't have a full time helper here so it might be hard to do a vacation for me and DH without the girls.
Right now there is also the issue that if I am away from DS for more than 3 hours (or less depending on timing) I need to pump. So that also enters into the equation of whether or not going out with out him is worth it. Of course that is not an issue forever.
Post by creepyeyeball on Sept 10, 2016 8:59:41 GMT -5
I don't get why it's an eyeroll-worthy answer to the question.
Q: Why don't you wear high heels? A: I just really love tennis shoes.
Q: Why don't you like to crochet? A: I just really love to knit.
Q: Why don't you like to play basketball? A: I just really love to golf.
Q: Why don't you like going out without your kids? A: I just really love spending time with my kids.
This is pretty much how people answer questions like that. I think people look at ways to get offended and infer thinfs that aren't there by reading too much into things.
Also, I let my kids spend the night with grandparents now, but my parents and ILs are sane people that don't want four or five kids at once. So one or two go at a time - everyone's happy - kids get to have fun with grandma and I still have my little people home.
And I also think children can learn and see a parent nurturing other relationships while around. I have several friends that are an important part of my life and I spend quite a bit of time with them, but we always have the kids around too. We have playdates. The kids see us taking care of each other when we bring meals to one another when we have babies or people are sick. They hear us comfort one another or offer advice on the phone. Kids can learn how friendships function without seeing mom go out alone at night. Same with marriages. Different strokes for different folks.
Post by creepyeyeball on Sept 10, 2016 9:10:47 GMT -5
Also, I found that after DD2, with such a large age gap, it was easier for me to do things alone. Once they hit age two, they are more independent and I find it's easier to leave. The one and only time I was away from them all overnight was when I had no one under the age of two in the house. But I've spent nearly a decade either pregnant, nursing, or both, while also taking care of kids. After DD2, before I got pregnant with #5, was the only time things were easy enough at home where I could leave and actually enjoy myself versus spending that time away worrying about everyone.
I'm sure as my kids age and need me less, the desire to be with them all the time will fade. There will come a day when the kids will be too busy with their own lives and don't want to spend all their time with me and DH.
Post by scotty138 on Sept 10, 2016 10:24:23 GMT -5
I don't think creepyeyeball meant it like that. Maybe I missed it, but she never said anything like "I don't understand why other people want to go out without their kids." She just tried to explain why she might not go out when invited by a friend. Personal preference.
I hate that the working mom vs SAHM stuff is being brought in because I think that subject only hurts feelings. Both working moms and SAHMs get too much criticism for their choice, but I don't think that is what is happening here.
I hate birthday parties with large families because we get so many toys.
And, tiny toys S could choke on.
In the past, I had wanted to do a birthday party with her friends but I didn't want a bunch more toys. I wonder if asking for donations would be okay?
DD has been to quite a few parties where the parents have specifically stated/asked for no presents on the invite. To please just bring your kid and a smile. I personally would rather be told not to bring a gift if the parents didn't want more toys than have it suggested to donate.
We said no gifts for DD's birthday, she still got a tons of toys. We returned a lot of things (she is only 2, so too young to notice). My MIL seems to think that she has to buy toys for the kids as if they have no toys at all, and she is the only supply, it is overwhelming. I would much rather they get one nice thing, rather than 10 junky things.
Maybe somehow suggest that you're building a library so at least you get books instead of toys?
We did a joint birthday party for DD1 and her cousin last year and since we weren't from there some of the invitees were just friends with my sister and still got DD1 presents. Some of the presents were ridiculous, a doll that poops charms and a peeing doll. This was after mentioning that we didn't want presents because we had to get home to Virginia after the party. We left them at my in-laws house. They were supposed to donate them but my younger niece took a liking to the dolls so they went to her house instead. After Christmas/birthday last year we went through toys and had DD1 pick one to keep -one to donate from a pile of toys she didn't really use much.
We are going home for Christmas again this year and I do not think we will do a party with my nephew again. Just cake with grandparents/great grandparents. I hate throwing parties. When I was a kid they were all just family and maybe a couple friends until I got older and I was allowed to pick whether I wanted a big party for 13 or 16. I don't have a good memory but it being a special thing, I remember so much from my 13th birthday.
Friends of ours for their son's first birthday donated all of the toys party guests brought. I don't think they told anyone they were going to be doing this, and made a big deal out of loading up the car at the end of the party. /anecdote
I think that is a little insensitive to the people who thought they were picking out something for your child. I'd rather either know in advance or just not know that the plan is to donate them. We only got rid of stuff that was totally not our style, from people we didn't even know and then some of her older toys.
My MIL seems to think that she has to buy toys for the kids as if they have no toys at all, and she is the only supply, it is overwhelming. I would much rather they get one nice thing, rather than 10 junky things.
OMG yes. We purposely don't do "friend" parties for my 3yo because we already get so much shit from family.
My MIL is terrible about junky clothes. Just because something "only cost $1" doesn't mean you need to buy my kid three shitty quality outfits for no reason (meaning, this was not a holiday/birthday gift, I don't care how much or how little they spend on a gift because it's the thought that counts, and I've made that known). Also, you don't need to buy her things for no reason! We have so much stuff. There's so many holidays/occasions throughout the year where the kids get things already.
Also whenever a happy meal toy comes home now it goes right in the trash when K isn't looking. I'm so overwhelmed with toys I can't handle it.
Did I mention I packed almost all of the stuffed animals up in a giant storage container 2 months ago for a party and K has yet to say anything about them missing?
Sorry for the rant!
I bribe DD1 to make shopping/walking home easy sometimes with a Kinder egg. The ones with the little toy inside. Basically she gets the toy for about 2 days before it disappears.
Post by wineallthetime on Sept 12, 2016 13:51:34 GMT -5
MIL always buys the kids ugly clearance clothes that are too small or aren't seasonally appropriate. I used to feel bad and would dress my son in her outfits when we saw her until I started pointing it out and she said she never remembers what she buys him. Now they go straight to donation or in storage.
Post by craftcrazymama on Sept 12, 2016 13:59:08 GMT -5
I don't trust anyone except my husband with my kids. Even when my own mother took my DD for a walk and was out too long I started to get anxious. I would leave them with her at a push, but would prefer not to. The only time I've been away from DD and not had DH with her either was to go and have LO. It was only for an hour with my SIL before she was dropped at pre-school and I cried leaving the house.
My thing though is a mix of missing my kids, wanting to be there at certain times I deem important (I.e bedtimes) and being a bit of a control freak when it comes to my kids. I like to do things a certain way and I only really trust DH to follow those because he's their Dad and he knows what I'm like.
Don't worry, I already know that's a bit ridiculous but luckily DH makes it easy for me to have plenty of time out with my friends because he loves being home with the kids as much if not more than I do.
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