September Check in!

[becwheat]

IT is CRAZINESS! Which is why you have not seen me a lot lately.

I got promoted to manager at work, then they had a manager at a different site resign and I had to move my office to another location to cover. So I have moved office 3 times in the last 3 months...

My company has a lot of faith in me to clean things up and turn production around, which is great, but it is also exhausting. Working hard for the money! 

Meanwhile we are trying to get 2 properties ready to sell in the near future. I have almost no time to do other things.

I will continue to check in here at least a couple times a week to see if you all need anything, and to check for updates on you all.


How is everyone?

[freezorburn]

I'm overdue for a check-in. Lots of crazy end-of-summer/beginning of school year adjustment going on. Parts of DS's schedule still up in the air, between school, activities, ABA therapy, and just verifying our residential schedule through the end of the year.

Have started discussing Christmas with DS's dad. He had requested earlier in the year that he be allowed to take DS back east for Christmas with grandparents, given that FIL is unable to travel. Says he is worried this Christmas might be FIL's last. I get along with ILs but haven't spoken with FIL explicitly about this aspect of his health. I just got back from visiting with the ILs and they are feeling all kinds of awkward about the idea of hosting DS's dad and his girlfriend and DS (DS has only met the girlfriend once, recently, and will have limited contact with her because she lives on the opposite side of the country from us). Plus, where do I fit into all of this? I think they just want us to leave them out of it and not deal with all the stressful holiday travel.

September is going to be a settling in month, with a new schedule for DS. I may start looking for work, but I don't think his schedule will allow me more than 10 hours a week. We shall see.

[lolo918]

I have been chatting with a new guy who I really think is a keeper, we will be meeting next week finally. I feel like he gets me like no one else ever has. It's an odd but wonderful feeling so I really hope that all of the chemistry that we have through texts and on phone calls lives up to the hype in person.

I'm still job searching, and trying to keep my morale up. I have a job now (adjunct professor) but it seems like it is getting less reliable as enrollment at my college is going down.

DD is growing like a weed and it seems like her language and skills have kind of taken off recently. For instance, she has to eat with a utensil now and at a table of some sort. She "runs" rather than walks and is saying a lot more words. I am equally amazed and terrified at her growing up so fast right before my eyes.

[gixgirl]

Hi all, this is my first check in, so more of an in depth intro than anything. I am only a week and a half out from our separation and hanging onto sanity by a thread lol. My work is slow, which makes my personal life worse in my mind. D is young enough that none of this is phasing him. It's been ok for me so far because he's been home every night. We agreed to two evenings a week and every other weekend with only Saturday overnight.

This coming weekend will be the first overnight, and I have no idea how I feel. Part of me thinks it won't happen anyway since he doesn't have a crib for D yet. I hope it doesn't. Besides working I have never left D. My ex(?) is competent, and loves D to a fault, but it's still scary for me.

So. I guess in a month I will have more to check in on!

[kmmd]

becwheat,congrats on the job stuff! Sounds busy but great!

gixgirl,welcome to the check in. Leaving your babe overnight without you is so hard but you can do it!

[kmmd]

I'm still plugging along.

Started a new position within my company one day a week, it is a small step but a step in the right direction for me.

I still cry when E leaves to go with her dad. Not every single time anymore, but I do still cry. She is the good in my life and I feel like my heart is being ripped out when I don't have her, and I feel like it is all my fault that she doesn't have an intact family (which I do realize is irrational and ridiculous).

E started dance lessons for the year this week and she is loving it. She's such a happy and awesome little girl. She's also been doing well at daycare and seems to be growing and learning every day. We are still dealing with her doctors and stomach issues but I suspect we will always have some difficulties in that area.

[fireflycaptain]

I'm here. Tired and grumpy. Semester is going well, but I feel off for some reason.

My kid has come home from pre-k making blatantly sexist and racist comments. So that's been fun. I think it's just one kid teaching him these things so I'll be having a chat with his teacher about keeping a closer eye on their conversations.

M started tap and music lessons through his school and loves them. He wants to learn violin and I'm a little bummed I have to wait another couple years to afford lessons for him.


Maybe this is a flame worthy confession but...I look forward to the nights/weekends when M is spending time at his grandparents. I don't have to cook or put him to bed. I get to sleep in or stay out late. And M is building a solid relationships with people that love and care for him. I view it as a win-win.

[angelsnight]

Not sure I've done a check in yet, I kind of pop in an out here because I am in limbo as to whether I am a single parent or not.

It finally all came out a few months ago that I wanted a divorce, and MH freaked. Crying and sobbing, begging for another chance. I am so torn. On the one hand, I am done. I was done when I told him, I was ready to call a lawyer the next day. A. I don't believe people can really change, at least not for the long term, and B. I think even if he did, it's just too late...9 years of being shit on and I am done.

On the other hand, he is trying to change, he has put in some real effort. And I think, if we're at least civil and can get along most of the time, then I should keep our family together for E's sake, and not go through the mess of a divorce. But, we do still fight, and honestly I am just waiting for him to go back to his old ways so I can feel justified in leaving. I feel guilty about staying, I feel guilty about going. I don't know what to do.

E on the other hand, is the light of my life. She cracks me up every day and I swear she learns something new every hour. Since I was last here, I got a job, I had been a SAHM since E was 4 months and she's 2.5 now. It's part time, I work from home, but I have been trying to increase my hours and make myself more valuable to the company just in case I decide to go through with the divorce, since there is no way I could support E on my hours now, and I love my job and would love to be able to keep it.

[angelsnight]

Sept 21, 2016 14:52:56 GMT -5 fireflycaptain said:

Maybe this is a flame worthy confession but...I look forward to the nights/weekends when M is spending time at his grandparents. I don't have to cook or put him to bed. I get to sleep in or stay out late. And M is building a solid relationships with people that love and care for him. I view it as a win-win.

Not flame-worthy IMO.  Everyone needs a break.  My DD goes to her Nana's every Wednesday, and I pick her up right before bedtime.  She is fed, usually bathed, in her jammies....all I have to do is put her to bed when I get home.  If I am really lucky, she hasn't napped and falls asleep in the car, and I can just carry her in to bed without reading stories one night.

[angelsnight]

kmmd,hugs. I think I will be the same way if I end up going through with the divorce. Not seeing E every single day, and the idea of ripping our family apart is a huge reason I haven't filed yet...even though being apart from my husband is probably the healthiest thing for her, I feel like I am being a horrible human being.

[freezorburn]

Sept 21, 2016 23:54:06 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

Not sure I've done a check in yet, I kind of pop in an out here because I am in limbo as to whether I am a single parent or not.

It finally all came out a few months ago that I wanted a divorce, and MH freaked. Crying and sobbing, begging for another chance. I am so torn. On the one hand, I am done. I was done when I told him, I was ready to call a lawyer the next day. A. I don't believe people can really change, at least not for the long term, and B. I think even if he did, it's just too late...9 years of being shit on and I am done.

On the other hand, he is trying to change, he has put in some real effort. And I think, if we're at least civil and can get along most of the time, then I should keep our family together for E's sake, and not go through the mess of a divorce. But, we do still fight, and honestly I am just waiting for him to go back to his old ways so I can feel justified in leaving. I feel guilty about staying, I feel guilty about going. I don't know what to do.

E on the other hand, is the light of my life. She cracks me up every day and I swear she learns something new every hour. Since I was last here, I got a job, I had been a SAHM since E was 4 months and she's 2.5 now. It's part time, I work from home, but I have been trying to increase my hours and make myself more valuable to the company just in case I decide to go through with the divorce, since there is no way I could support E on my hours now, and I love my job and would love to be able to keep it.

Welcome, angelsnight .

I don't know your situation, but it jogged a memory, and some reflections, that might be some good food for thought.

For background, I'm about 18 months out from when my STBX announced that he had met the love of his life and wanted out of our marriage. DS was 2.5 at the time, and is now 4. Our 16th anniversary would have been this past July. We filed collaboratively in early July and are just waiting for paperwork to go through.

We started working with a collaborative divorce coach about a year ago. In those early sessions, I remember him saying that in his experience, there were only 2 or 3 categories of problems in which a marriage couldn't be saved. I only remember 2. One is abuse/endangerment/criminal behavior. The second is a fundamental difference in core values. There may have been a third thing that I'm not remembering right now.

Working out our parenting plan has been extremely difficult. With DS being as young as he is, and then diagnosed with autism, I knew that the best thing for him would be a plan that STBX would buy into and feel invested in, rather the extreme opposite, which would be a more parallel arrangement, where each parent just does their own thing without really consulting the other. If we were to have a more adversarial co-parenting relationship, it might compromise my ability to get needed interventions for DS. It was challenging to work this plan out because STBX was spending so much of his time in outer space with his affair partner. I had people ask me if it wouldn't just be easier to cut him out of things. And my answer was no, because as much as I was hurting, it was clear that DS loves his dad and thrives when he is around. When his dad would disappear for weeks at a time, it would be extremely stressful -- major developmental regressions and behavioral challenges that I was left to deal with on my own.

Fast forward to today -- we now have a relatively functional, yet fragile, co-parenting arrangement. It's possible it may still change, as STBX keeps saying things about his plans that sound somewhat untethered from reality. But there's a real irony to this situation, which is that in order to craft our parenting plan, we've pretty much had to undergo couples counseling and figure out how to de-escalate our triggers. It's a work in progress. And while there is no hope for reconciliation, my point is this: I still don't believe that divorce itself provided any solution to our problems. If anything, it makes it more difficult to figure out how to parent. Because the logistics of two homes is a PITA, for one thing. The only thing divorce contributes to this situation is the requirement that we come up with a parenting plan that we can live with. Any progress that we've made has come from hard work in counseling. And because we've had to work out our differences, it's all the more tragic that our marriage couldn't also be saved.

ETA (hit post too soon): I think it's natural and normal to be agonizing over this decision. I wish you the best. Happy to be a sounding board if you need.

[kmmd]

Sept 21, 2016 14:52:56 GMT -5 fireflycaptain said:

Maybe this is a flame worthy confession but...I look forward to the nights/weekends when M is spending time at his grandparents. I don't have to cook or put him to bed. I get to sleep in or stay out late. And M is building a solid relationships with people that love and care for him. I view it as a win-win.

Not flame worthy. We all need a break sometimes and you are entitled to that. While I love E more than life itself and want to spend every minute I can with her, the nights that I'm alone, I really take advantage of not having to cook and having time to just do quiet things by myself and decompress. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[kmmd]

Sept 21, 2016 23:54:06 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

Not sure I've done a check in yet, I kind of pop in an out here because I am in limbo as to whether I am a single parent or not.

It finally all came out a few months ago that I wanted a divorce, and MH freaked. Crying and sobbing, begging for another chance. I am so torn. On the one hand, I am done. I was done when I told him, I was ready to call a lawyer the next day. A. I don't believe people can really change, at least not for the long term, and B. I think even if he did, it's just too late...9 years of being shit on and I am done.

On the other hand, he is trying to change, he has put in some real effort. And I think, if we're at least civil and can get along most of the time, then I should keep our family together for E's sake, and not go through the mess of a divorce. But, we do still fight, and honestly I am just waiting for him to go back to his old ways so I can feel justified in leaving. I feel guilty about staying, I feel guilty about going. I don't know what to do.

E on the other hand, is the light of my life. She cracks me up every day and I swear she learns something new every hour. Since I was last here, I got a job, I had been a SAHM since E was 4 months and she's 2.5 now. It's part time, I work from home, but I have been trying to increase my hours and make myself more valuable to the company just in case I decide to go through with the divorce, since there is no way I could support E on my hours now, and I love my job and would love to be able to keep it.

Welcome! What you are saying makes complete sense. You shouldn't have to feel bad for wanting out when you aren't happy but there is always so much guilt that comes along with with these kinds of changes. I just talked to my therapist about this again when I saw her this week because I feel a lot of guilt about my marriage ending, but she told me that I need to pat myself on the back and feel proud that I have been courageous with the whole thing, and I think that is true for a lot people. So lots of ((hugs)) you will make the best choice for you!

[angelsnight]

freezorburn,I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Divorce, or thinking about divorce is so hard, but I am sure being on the receiving end is even harder. Thank you for sharing your story.

kmmd, thanks for the welcome and the kind words. A few months ago I was so sure of my decision, it was like a switch flipped in me and I was so ready to be done. But now that he is working on changing, I just don't know. When things are good, I am hopeful for continued success, when things are bad I am like yep, I still want a divorce. I finally came to a conclusion about being one and done (though most of that decision was due to our marital issues) so hopefully one day I will again be sure about staying or going.

[arb213]

Hi guys!

I pop in every once in awhile. Life is busy between working almost full time and shuttling DD back and forth to and from school to my house and then back to her fathers. She spends every other weekend with me and I like to have it packed full of activities for her since we don't get every day together. This past weekend we went out for lunch and dinner and to a pumpkin patch. It was $$$ but fun!

[jennaleigh23]

I realize it's October, I missed a whole month. I am in college full time and then working on top of that and every other moment I am with my now 14 month old. I'm exhausted. I'm seeing someone new and really happy. I just bought a new car and did I mention I'm exhausted? Lol. Welcome to all the new posters!