newborn effects on marriage

[spicysalmonroll]

H & I never fought before the baby and now it's every night. So basically I do 98% of the taking care of DS + household cleaning and cooking. He's a great father and loves the baby to death but he uses my breastfeeding as an excuse to do nothing. As I've mentioned before, he gives me shit about the lack of sex life right now- hello- I go to bed at 8pm with DS- I'm tired and your penis is the last fucking thing I care about right now. 

Last night he asked me to rub his legs and back before bed like I used to pre-pregnancy. I did it for 10 minutes while surfing my phone and then said I was going to sleep. Instead of saying thank you he said "well that was fucking cheap, you couldn't put your phone down for 5 minutes to do a good job". I was like excuse me?! I could have gone to bed 10 minutes ago, and he said "you should have if that's all you were going to do". I said since we've returned from our walk 2 hours ago I've done EVERYTHING with DS to get him calmed down, fed, and asleep while you spent that whole time doing your own thing. Now that I get my first 5 minutes to sit down and do my thing- you expect me to dedicate that time to YOU? You owe me an apology. Do you not comprehend that I don't get 5 minutes to myself? Well he slept on the couch and didn't apologize. 

I feel like I'm going to snap. I'm giving 110% to DS every day and I don't have any left to give myself or give to him. I feel like it's unfair of him to ask me to give him anything these first few months. If anything, I should be the one getting pampered and getting backrubs, not him expecting them for himself! Like he just doesn't understand that he comes last now. I've made 1,000 sacrifices of things I want daily, but he hasn't had to make any. Of course once DS is like 6 months to a year and I have more time to myself, and more sleep I will absolutely make more effort towards H, but we're not at that stage yet. 
So do you think H is being unreasonable? Do you think I am being unreasonable? 
How has the adjustment been on your marriage? 

[blueinred]

The birth of a first child is a huge adjustment for everyone. N is my second child so the adjustment is different; not easier, just different.

I think most of us can relate to being too fatigued to even think about sex. I don't like to use the words 'reasonable' or 'unreasonable' but I understand YH being upset that you didn't put your phone down. Since you have so little couple time, I do think it is reasonable to expect it to be screen free. I can relate to you not wanting sex, but the massage while playing Words With Friends or being on Facebook would also bother me.

Men can be so insecure. The two of you need to talk (without your phones in front of you) and you need to assure him that you still love him as much as ever but that the baby's constant demands, in addition to hormonal issues, make sexual intimacy a low priority now. Is it possible to designate 10 screen free minutes a day, or whatever works for you, as screen free couple time?

[coffeequeen14]

Agree the birth of a first child had a huge affect on marriages.

One thing I did was point it out that all of those tasks one does for him or herself each day is now being done by me for a second person in addition to myself. That helped quantity the demand on my time somewhat.

Has your H spent any time alone wth DS? Like a few hours or more? That helped H understand how involved newborn care is as well.

[annbuhdan]

First, I 100% know how you feel. As moms, a lot of times we put our needs on hold all day. It's really hard, especially when husbands don't seem to even recognize it. I definitely feel my H is being unfair at times.

But, I'm kind of in a "fake it till you make it" stage with H right now. Even though i don't always want to devote my first kid-free time of the day to him, I know we need some time to reconnect each day. Our relationship is the foundation for the whole family, so we try not to neglect it. For a long time our routine has been to hang out in the bathroom while we both shower and get ready for the night. He'll want me to hang out and chat while he showers, and in my head I'm thinking "but... the laundry." Once we start talking about our days, it is nice relaxing time though.

Also, I hope this is not overstepping, but it sounds kind of like you're looking at your H as an enemy right now... or just one more chore. My H and I went through this with our first baby (a loss) and our first living DD. We realized its best when we remember we are on the same team. We are there to help each other, we have a common goal, and we try not to keep score of how each person contributes. Now when things are rough, one of us will remind the other of being on the same team and we can usually get back on track. (I feel like I sound preachy, but just know we had to adjust to each kid until we got back to "normal.")

It does sound like your H might need to help you more. I say from experience, don't let your DS get used to only you caring for him. YH should be able to do feedings, bedtime, whatever too. (Not as well as you do it, of course, but enough to get by!)

[gratefulgirl]

The other day I was reading the very useful idea that the biggest marriage conflict is not money, sex, chores, etc. but unmet expectations. It sounds like you are expecting more help and a better balance of me time than you are getting (but I might be reading wrong). YH is expecting more physical intimacy and attention. Something has to give to stop the fighting. Expectations have to change and probably actions - some individual soul searching and then open and empathetic discussions will likely help. Is there a time you guys can set apart where you are both a little calmer (not every night when you are prone to argue)?

Whenever DH and I are constantly fighting it is always a mix of exhaustion and unmet expectations.

[pbandjelly]

Oct 7, 2016 8:01:57 GMT -5 annbuhdan said:

First, I 100% know how you feel. As moms, a lot of times we put our needs on hold all day. It's really hard, especially when husbands don't seem to even recognize it. I definitely feel my H is being unfair at times.

But, I'm kind of in a "fake it till you make it" stage with H right now. Even though i don't always want to devote my first kid-free time of the day to him, I know we need some time to reconnect each day. Our relationship is the foundation for the whole family, so we try not to neglect it. For a long time our routine has been to hang out in the bathroom while we both shower and get ready for the night. He'll want me to hang out and chat while he showers, and in my head I'm thinking "but... the laundry." Once we start talking about our days, it is nice relaxing time though.

Also, I hope this is not overstepping, but it sounds kind of like you're looking at your H as an enemy right now... or just one more chore. My H and I went through this with our first baby (a loss) and our first living DD. We realized its best when we remember we are on the same team. We are there to help each other, we have a common goal, and we try not to keep score of how each person contributes. Now when things are rough, one of us will remind the other of being on the same team and we can usually get back on track. (I feel like I sound preachy, but just know we had to adjust to each kid until we got back to "normal.")

It does sound like your H might need to help you more. I say from experience, don't let your DS get used to only you caring for him. YH should be able to do feedings, bedtime, whatever too. (Not as well as you do it, of course, but enough to get by!)

All of this. Communication is key.

H also became more willing to help out at night once I showed him how to help out with DS and build his confidence in caring for the baby. It got better once DS started smiling at cooing at him, too.

[bocaburger]

I know H has really been struggling with the lack of sex, which leads to him making constant advances, which makes me feel pressured and guilty, so I reject him without bothering to explain or let him down nicely, so he feels hurt. For H, sex means love and if I'm not interested in sex he thinks I'm not interested in him anymore. Last week we had a very honest discussion about it - about why I'm not ready for sex right now, but that I still love him so much. We both miss the intimacy so we have been trying to make more of an effort to hold hands, cuddle, say I love you as often as possible. He's trying to be more patient, and I'm trying harder to demonstrate my love in ways that are comfortable for me right now.

[spicysalmonroll]

coffeequeen14 no he has never spent more than an hour exclusively caring for DS. Even when he gets home from work he doesn't like "take over" and give me a break, he goes in the basement and watches hockey games or whatever. Like I don't get to do that so why does he?

gratefulgirl I think its 100% expectations not being met. My thing is that I feel like I don't need to change, that his expectations are what need to change. That's why I came here to ask, and it seems though I may be a little wrong and I may need to give a little more. I think we will have to carve out some time to talk about it head on.

[hannahbear]

I don't know - it really does sound like you are doing everything. And it is exhausting!! And you so deserve a few minutes to yourself.

[spicysalmonroll]

annbuhdan very much everything you're saying. I do feel like H is a chore right now, like I need to take care of him as I do for DS. I will have to figure out how to look at him as my partner again.

[annbuhdan]

Oct 7, 2016 8:31:17 GMT -5 spicysalmonroll said:

coffeequeen14 no he has never spent more than an hour exclusively caring for DS. Even when he gets home from work he doesn't like "take over" and give me a break, he goes in the basement and watches hockey games or whatever. Like I don't get to do that so why does he?

This is what I don't like!! I SAH now, but I feel my "work day" should end when he gets home, just like his does. Then we should share childcare. Because he is tired from his day, but I am too! Instead, my work is 24/7. We are struggling with how to balance all this right now. At least he helps me get through bedtime with DD1 now, which was not happening when we first brought the baby home. Slow progress....

[spicysalmonroll]

Oct 7, 2016 8:46:15 GMT -5 annbuhdan said:

Oct 7, 2016 8:31:17 GMT -5 spicysalmonroll said:

coffeequeen14 no he has never spent more than an hour exclusively caring for DS. Even when he gets home from work he doesn't like "take over" and give me a break, he goes in the basement and watches hockey games or whatever. Like I don't get to do that so why does he?

This is what I don't like!! I SAH now, but I feel my "work day" should end when he gets home, just like his does. Then we should share childcare. Because he is tired from his day, but I am too! Instead, my work is 24/7. We are struggling with how to balance all this right now. At least he helps me get through bedtime with DD1 now, which was not happening when we first brought the baby home. Slow progress....

yes! I'm sorry you're dealing with that too. I return to work next week and he will watch DS for about 2 hours before I get home each evening. I already know that the second I walk through the door he's going to try and "unload" DS on me and clock out. I think we should have a talk about this now, how I haven't done that for 12 weeks so he doesn't get to either.

[frodabaggins]

Are we the same person??! Pretty much EXACT SAME THING happening over here. It actually resulted in me getting so pissed off at him on Sunday, I took advantage of the 2 year old being down for a nap and bundled up the seven week old into the car and took off driving to get away from him. I am LOVING that I still have an excuse not to be intimate with him, I have zero interest. We sleep in different rooms and it's glorious.

The first baby didn't have this extreme of an effect on us. And our second is not more difficult of a baby, not at all. He is A-OK with me doing *everything* for her during the day, and then doing *everything* for DS when he gets back from daycare in the afternoon.

Now I will read everyone's advice more closely and try to apply it to my situation, too. Just wanted you to know I FEEL YOU.

[elebishi]

The hardest times in our marriage have been the first few months after we bring home a new baby. It's a huge adjustment for everyone. With your first it's especially hard because you have to adjust to not being the sole focus of each other now. As annbuhdan said, I think one of the best things you can do is not keep score. This can be so hard when you are sleep deprived and feel like you are doing more and just want a break. I've been there. But it doesn't benefit anyone and can harbor resentment. Communication is key...if you need a break, there is no harm in asking him for that.

Intimacy also changes. It's not so much "on a whim" now. You have to make time. Doesn't have to be sex, though if that is what your H needs than perhaps make a plan to have sex once a week, or whatever. I know sex is typically the last thing on my mind when we have a new infant. But I will give it a shot for my H, and it usually makes me feel more connected and is helpful to my general mood too.

I'm sorry you're having trouble, but I do think it's normal for relationships to go through a rough patch after babies. This too shall pass.

[frodabaggins]

Also I hate my husband's phone with a passion. I fantasize about plucking it out of his hand and tossing it out the window, like daily. He constantly has his face in his phone. What could be so important on there, honestly?

[elebishi]

Because you are breastfeeding, unfortunately nighttime will fall on you by default. But there's no reason you can't pump and head out for 3 hours while your H watches the baby. You certainly need to do that for your own mental health. And it may give him some appreciation for how hard it is to be the sole caregiver.

[hannahbear]

Oct 7, 2016 9:22:03 GMT -5 elebishi said:

Because you are breastfeeding, unfortunately nighttime will fall on you by default. But there's no reason you can't pump and head out for 3 hours while your H watches the baby. You certainly need to do that for your own mental health. And it may give him some appreciation for how hard it is to be the sole caregiver.

Maybe not? I pump and have H do one feeding per night.

[shehulk723]

I went through very similar things with my dh when we had our first, except I was the one wanting more intimacy lol. It was absolutely about expectations not being met and my resentment towards him just grew and grew until I was ready to leave him. There were huge blow out fights around the time DD1 was a year old. I ended up having to spell out exactly what I expected of him. I wrote it all down so I could organize my thoughts and not forget anything and things really improved after that. And I can say now with our second baby, things are completely different. I don't feel like this baby has put any strain on our marriage at all. It does get better but it does require effort on everyone's part.

[elebishi]

Oct 7, 2016 9:44:23 GMT -5 hannahbear said:

Oct 7, 2016 9:22:03 GMT -5 elebishi said:

Because you are breastfeeding, unfortunately nighttime will fall on you by default. But there's no reason you can't pump and head out for 3 hours while your H watches the baby. You certainly need to do that for your own mental health. And it may give him some appreciation for how hard it is to be the sole caregiver.

Maybe not? I pump and have H do one feeding per night.

Very true!

[thelorax]

DH and I faught a lot after #1 was born. If you're LO will take a bottle just leave one day when your DH is home and take an hour or two (or more) for you. I go for a walk, to Target, whatever. It really helped me recharge my batteries and helped DH understand what it's like to care for a little person. Sometimes they are happy to kick on a mat and sometimes they only want to be held.

Also it does get better. There were several nights I was so ready to pack a bag and leave. I even started googling apartments, but slowly things evened out. The baby could be left alone longer and we got used to the new normal.

[hummingbird125]

spicysalmonroll - HUGE HUGS. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable with your expectations, and while I don't think your DH is either, I think his are the ones that need to be adjusted. First of all, I second the PP suggestion of making sure your DH spends significant time taking care of your DS ALONE. AsI've vented about here, there is a bunch of shit going on with my DH's job, so he's basically on strike right now. While that sucks for financial reasons, having him home 24/7 means that other than feedings, we have shared the childcare duties equally. Although that won't last forever, I recognize how valuable it is that DH actually, truly, knows how much work it is to care for DS, even on an easy day. Perhaps if your DH got a better sense of that he could have more realistic expectations of you.

Re: sex. Yeah, I'm with you there. No thanks. I do want to *try* soon, just because I'm nervous about it and want to get it over with, but I have soooo little time to myself these days that when I do have some free time all I want to do is read, alone, with no one touching me. HOWEVER, even if sex is off the table for now, I think it is important to find some way to give time to each other. Even if that means doing your own things on your phones/laptops, but sitting right next to each other so that you're touching. Or try to make a point to have 30 minutes of screen-free time together a few days per week. Start small.

[gratefulgirl]

Re: DH caring for baby. Am I the only one whose H always steps in on the easy days? DH has done 11 hour shifts with the kids and managed to make it look Pinterest-worthy easy. It happens every time. They behave beautifully and take long naps. He never gets the day where everyone is screaming and wants to be held. I thought having him home would help expectations but it never has. I am always so bummed. We have had to work it out by just talking.

[hummingbird125]

Oct 7, 2016 11:27:07 GMT -5 gratefulgirl said:

Re: DH caring for baby. Am I the only one whose H always steps in on the easy days? DH has done 11 hour shifts with the kids and managed to make it look Pinterest-worthy easy. It happens every time. They behave beautifully and take long naps. He never gets the day where everyone is screaming and wants to be held. I thought having him home would help expectations but it never has. I am always so bummed. We have had to work it out by just talking.

Oh my gosh, yes. Different, but the same idea: I think DS has been extra-reflux-y lately, so I started holding him upright for 20 min after a feeding. That has worked well - after those 20 min I can just plop him into the crib or RnP and he'll stay sound asleep. I told this to DH several times last night, and immediately handed DS off to him after our early-morning feeding because I desperately needed some sleep. DH held him for a few minutes, and then put him down to bed. I was furious and told him he NEEDED to hold him upright for longer. Well, nope, of COURSE the kid stayed fast asleep. If I tried that, I know he would have woken up in minutes.

[elebishi]

gratefulgirl YES. I don't get it. Maybe because they spend less time with just dad to begin with so it's more fun when they do? No idea why, but it happens that way here too.

[meagpt22]

Agree the first child was a huge adjustment to our marriage. I resented DH so much bc he just didn't know what to do, so instead of asking, he waited to be told, which I didn't do! And the cycle continued. It was only when I returned to work (and he was on child care duty when I worked weekends) that he got better. He would often try to pass DD off as soon as I walked in the door. Once I turned the tables he stopped doing that.
My early resentment did translate to being less attracted to him and affected our sex life that first year. It's a wonder DS was conceived.
This time around he's so much better about knowing how to help and is often on toddler duty. But DS is somewhat needy at night (wants to be held) so it's hard to actually do anything. This time around though I appreciate him more.

I agree with other posters to maybe try to find some time to make for each other. Also don't assume he knows what needs to be done.

gratefulgirl both DD and DS behavior better for DH. DS slept independently when DH would put him done. And DD always napped longer for DH!

[shanny]

Hugs to all. Too tired to type much, but I agree that a new child, sleep deprivation, and different expectations for intimacy, how to spend time, how to parent, etc. all make marriage very difficult. I've felt very challenged lately too about how my H wants to do things vs my thoughts. It will get better when we all can have talks without worrying that a baby will wake up any second screaming and we can get rest.

[dc2london]

Uuggghhhhh.
Ok. I have only read the OP but from an outside perspective, spicysalmonroll, it sounds 100% like your H is struggling to adjust to sharing you. He is no longer your only love or your top priority. That is really hard on fathers. Some deal with it differently but, yeah, your H seems to be focusing only on hiw HIS life has changed after baby's birth and failing to see the toll it takes on you. I'm sorry. That sounds highly frustrating

I am off to read the rest of the thread now

[spicysalmonroll]

dc2london yes thank you, I think that pinpoints exactly how he's feeling. He expected to physically care for a child like getting up at night but he never expected or prepared for the other changes a baby brings or that there would be changes between us.

We had a good heart to heart last night. I kept telling him how exhausting it is giving your all to the baby and not having a second to yourself and at first he kept saying "that's what you signed up for as a mom!" And I finally had to drill it into his head that I'm ok with that for myself but hey YOU signed up for the same thing! He had a light bulb expression.

I also told him that this is temporary- that once im done breastfeeding and once he sleeps the night I'll be much less in demand and we'll get our sex life back. He had another light bulb moment because in his mind the changes were permanent. I really think it's going to be much better going forward!! 😃

[dc2london]

Oct 7, 2016 9:08:02 GMT -5 frodabaggins said:

Also I hate my husband's phone with a passion. I fantasize about plucking it out of his hand and tossing it out the window, like daily. He constantly has his face in his phone. What could be so important on there, honestly?

This, but it's the ipad. I.know I am on my phone a fair bit too but he will be holding the baby and playing Word Crack.
Dude.

[dc2london]

Have you read the Love Languages book? It's verrrry cheesy but is so illuminating. Once you learn how your partner likes to be "loved," it is so much easier to make them feel that. Perhaps your H's love language is quality time, and he really just needs to have your undivided attention for 10 minutes a day to feel fulfilled. Or maybe it's physical touch, and he just wants to be cuddled (which us hard when BFing bc you get so tired of being touched). My H needs Words of Affirmation. He just needs to hear that he is doing a good job, verbal gratitude for the things he does to help, etc.