When life makes decisions for you (possible TW)

[kleigh926]

I know I've  mentioned on here a few times that we were undecided about having a third child. Well, given the week's events with DS I think both DH and I have come to the conclusion that there's no way having a third would be a wise or logical decision for us. DS woke up with a fever on Wednesday morning. I took him right into the doctor- I don't mess around with him when he has a fever, since the last one triggered a seizure. Sure enough he had an ear infection. He had his first dose of antibiotics by 10 a.m. and I was alternating Tylenol and Motrin. 

Around lunch time he had a severe seizure, shorter than the others, but more violent. This one involved dramatic convulsions; the typical grand mal seizure people think of. The frequency of his normal seizures (which mostly involve staring and unresponsiveness) has increased over the past couple months despite increasing his medication several times, and now that another type of seizure has come into play, I am just getting really worried that this won't be as easy to control as we had hoped. Although his neurologist said that the different type of seizure was almost certainly triggered by the fever, it still concerns me.

I have come to realize that having another child would border on irresponsible considering DS's medical issues and the fact that I have a good deal of anxiety surrounding the unknowns of the progression of his disorder, and guilt over DD having to witness this and be given less attention during these times. I have felt like stopping at two is the logical and best decision for us for awhile, but my heart hadn't caught up yet. I still pictured us as having three kids and was having a hard time changing my vision of our family. As of now, I am at peace with this and know that it's best to focus on devoting all my time and energy into the two kids I already have instead of feeling like we "should" have another.

I don't even know what the point of this is, other than you ladies provide a good listening ear and it helps to get out my thoughts and get insight from other moms. Thanks for reading all the way through if you have. 

[sagen]

I would just think of it as right now we are done. In a few years who knows, your H might mature a bit, your son's condition might be more controlled. I have a 5 year gap, I have a friend with an 8 year gap. A lot can happen in a few years. Perhaps another is not in the cards and that is ok too. If your heart longs for another maybe deciding not now will be easier than deciding not ever KWIM? It sounds like you are getting to a good place though. ((Hug)) and I am so sorry about your son's health.

[mishka29]

I don't like the way you came to the decision but it's always comforting to be firm on a big decision like that. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm not sure how you manage it all.

This week while driving to drop the kids off at daycare I turned my head to see jan15 LO in her mirror. She was staring off into space with her mouth open and just a vacant look. I started yelling her name and she didn't move or blink. I thought she was dead or not breathing. I pretty much slammed on the breaks on a 4 lane highway in rush hour traffic to jump into the back. It took a lot of josteling before she finally came to. It was terrifying. I was shaken up for the rest of the day. This wasn't even an actual medical emergency so I don't know how you do this all the time! You're a super mom-nurse!

I assume dd2 was just a little loopy from having a cold and tired but you mentioned that your sons seizures are when he just stares off into space and is unresponsive which is now making me wonder if there was something more to it. Any advice on what I should look out for? (Sorry if I made this about me. It's just your words have made me question)

[kleigh926]

mishka29, I would probably chalk it up to the cold/being tired at this point, but one thing to consider is how she reacted after you finally got her attention. Most seizures have what is called a post-ictal phase, which is characterized by confusion, irritability, and fatigue. DS will always be fussy and dazed for a couple minutes after a seizure and then usually sleep for awhile. If your LO seemed normal afterwards it's probably nothing to worry about. But if it happens again, I would mention it to the doctor. I hope she's feeling better soon! I know that heart-stopping feeling of not being able to get a response all too well.

[dc2london]

I'm sorry that the decision was made for you. It is so difficult to balance what your heart wants with what your brain knows. But most of all, I am sorry that you are going through this with your DS. That sounds worrisome and challenging. I know that you can handle it, but please lean on us and let us be your listening ears when it gets tough or scary.

[aydee]

I'm so sorry about what's going on with your DS. This week's seizure sounds terrifying to go through as a parent. Has he been diagnosed with epilepsy? What kind of prognosis has the neurologist given? How is he doing with his gross motor development?

Decisions about family size can be hard even under the best of circumstances. It totally makes sense that your head and your heart aren't on the same page. I second what sagen is saying about this not necessarily needing to be a permanent decision at this time. It sounds like most likely you're done, but there's nothing wrong with revisiting that decision in a few years if you feel differently and/or circumstances have changed. We can't predict the future and it's okay to change your mind.

I'm glad you know you can talk things out here. We're here for support, and I'm so glad this board is still plugging along more nearly 4 years later!

[kleigh926]

aydee yes he has been diagnosed with epilepsy. We don't have a good idea of prognosis yet as none of his tests have given us any information. His MRI, 3 EEG's, and genetic testing have all been normal. He is having more specific genetic testing done now to look at certain genes known to be associated with different types of epilepsy to try and direct treatment, but right now I kinda feel like we're flying blind. His gross motor development is probably pretty much on track at this point. He may be a little behind on skills like stairs and jumping, but I also haven't practiced stairs much with him since going down to our basement would trigger a tantrum (he'd want to play down there instead of practicing the steps and it's not kid-friendly right now since DH is working on it).

I agree that it may not be necessary to make a permanent decision right now, but I'm sort of thinking that once we're finally out of this toddler phase, it gets easier to go out, and schedules aren't as rigid, we won't want to go back and start over. But who knows. We are still young, so it's not like we're running out of time. Our lives could be a lot different in 3 or 5 years.

[brachysira]

Yeah, I think the messages here are good. You can't know what the future holds and you have plenty of time. Three kids provide lots of nice things but two kids means more parent time for the two you have and more college funds and opportunity funds for each, which matters to us. Plus, I feel like the transition from 2 to 3 close together means that you're living more like the Duggars with everyone doing the same thing and focusing on the family needs because you can't possibly drive one to dance, one to their t-ball game, one to youth group, then to 3 different birthday parties, all on a single Saturday. Also, we know a family with a newly 4 year-old, an almost 3 year-old, and a 9 month-old, and also one with a newly 5 year-old, a 2.5 year-old, and a newborn. In both cases, the oldest sibling is a wreck, so I think it's nice to have them a bit further apart if you can.

For us, we also wanted 3, and I'll be 40 next year, so we can't wait forever. Our kids don't quite have the question mark with health but neither child has perfect health and my pregnancies have been hell for me plus a lot of risk and scary stuff for the babies. The day to day is overwhelming and exhausting and I really don't think we can afford a 3rd child easily...our parents are aging and we don't really have a lot of help...so we're probably done. Maybe we'll get a cat. It's nice to not decide and know you still have time.

[kleigh926]

So now both kids have HFM disease. They've also both just had colds (which led to DS's ear infection earlier this week). Hoping we are healthy for a long time after this. But stuff like this just makes me even more certain I am good with only two. Although they always say you remember the good stuff more than the bad, right?

[Stormtroopooper]

I only know a little bit about seizures (my nephew had them as a result of his brain cancer), but I know how scary they can be. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope your littles feel better soon.

I know how it feels to have decisions pretty much made for you. I've lately been wondering if we'll ever even finish this adoption journey, but I've decided to not dwell on it and focus on what's right in front of me.

Praying for you and your family.

[beenandgone]

Oct 16, 2016 18:58:12 GMT -5 kleigh926 said:

So now both kids have HFM disease. They've also both just had colds (which led to DS's ear infection earlier this week). Hoping we are healthy for a long time after this. But stuff like this just makes me even more certain I am good with only two. Although they always say you remember the good stuff more than the bad, right?

From experience, yes.

DD1 was pretty much hell as a baby/toddler. She was awful. Never slept, was very demanding, incapable of entertaining herself... plus I was a single parent, struggling to work and go to school, pay bills, daycare, etc. I was lonely and unhappy, which didn't help the situation.

But when I think about those years, when it was just her and me, I think about Saturday morning coffee and donuts. I think about pigtails, and painting fingernails, about visiting the American Girl Store and doing birthday lunch at their cafe. I think about endless mommy snuggles because there was no one else who wanted my lap.

That's not to say I don't remember the struggles, because CLEARLY I do (as mentioned above), but the good memories out weigh the negative ones.

My children don't have the health issues that yours do, but they outnumber me. It's often utter chaos around here, frustrating, depressing, and just plain hard. But someday we will be beyond diapers and ear infections. Someday it will be book reports and math homework, birthday parties and sleepovers. Then it will be driving, and boyfriends, and college, and grandkids. Will you always remember how rough and challenging these early years have been? Of course. But then you'll have years of Bible Camp, and beach days, and indoor picnics, and blanket forts all that will outweigh the bad moments.

God bless, Kleigh! Just keep on keeping on and get through one day at a time. It's so trite and dumb, but so true. The days are long, but the years are so short.

And two or three children, whatever happens, I hope you have peace with the decision.

[colinsfebmommy]

kleigh926, I am sorry for all you are going through, that isn't easy at all.

[crimsonandclover]

kleigh926, I can't even imagine how scary and frustrating it must be to not have answers about your son and watch the seizures getting worse. I completely understand where you're coming from with your decision and think it's great that you've made your peace with not having a third. As others have said, who knows what life will be like in 3-5 years, but at least for now you won't be feeling torn about it.