Some Misc. Questions about Loss and Planning

[aprilz81]

Does anyone else feel a little strange when someone tells you how strong you are for dealing with the loss of a child (or in my case the upcoming loss)?  I've had several people tell me that and while I take it as a compliment I also feel strange.  I don't FEEL strong.  I feel helpless and like I'm a leaf blowing in the wind going wherever God takes me on this journey.  I am surviving because there really aren't a lot of other choices out there, but I certainly don't feel strong.

For those of you who decided to have a funeral or memorial service what did it look like?  I've never attended a child's funeral so don't really know where to start.  I don't know that a eulogy is appropriate since her life will be so very short so I'm thinking of asking our pastor to do a brief message on either children in heaven or loss of loved ones.  I also want music and will be speaking to our worship leader about song choices.  Outside of those two things I don't know where to start.

We aren't planning on having a viewing (although that may change) so other than the funeral are we expected to host people after the funeral at the church or our home? Is that a regional thing?  I've heard of it being done before but don't know that I will be in any condition to do anything in our home so quickly after childbirth especially under these circumstances.

[professormcgonagall]

I have had people tell me I am strong as well and while I know they do mean it as a compliment, I always feel weird about. I just think it is hard for them to relate if they have never been through anything like that and that is probably something they think would be helpful to you.

We had a memorial service for Alexandra. She was cremated so we had her urn on display with flowers in the front of the chapel. We also had a table with tealight candles that we had everyone light beforehand. Our pastor a brief message and it mostly focused on that even though her life was so short, she had a purpose. We played two songs during the service. One was Gone too soon by Daughtry. The other was called Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy.

My sister did write a eulogy. While it was not long, it focused on personalizing her. Alex was always very wiggly and uncooperative during ultrasounds so she mentioned that. She talked about her feelings when she found out I was pregnant and all the joy Alexandra brought us throughout my pregnancy.

We did host family for a dinner afterwards. My mom had it at her house. I feel like in these circumstances, forgoing that would be completely appropriate.

Really though, all of those decisions are what you want and are comfortable with. I would be happy to show you some pictures from Alexandra's memorial if you think that would help. Hopefully this was helpful

[aprilz81]

Oct 26, 2016 13:35:12 GMT -5 professormcgonagall said:

I have had people tell me I am strong as well and while I know they do mean it as a compliment, I always feel weird about. I just think it is hard for them to relate if they have never been through anything like that and that is probably something they think would be helpful to you.

We had a memorial service for Alexandra. She was cremated so we had her urn on display with flowers in the front of the chapel. We also had a table with tealight candles that we had everyone light beforehand. Our pastor a brief message and it mostly focused on that even though her life was so short, she had a purpose. We played two songs during the service. One was Gone too soon by Daughtry. The other was called Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy.

My sister did write a eulogy. While it was not long, it focused on personalizing her. Alex was always very wiggly and uncooperative during ultrasounds so she mentioned that. She talked about her feelings when she found out I was pregnant and all the joy Alexandra brought us throughout my pregnancy.

We did host family for a dinner afterwards. My mom had it at her house. I feel like in these circumstances, forgoing that would be completely appropriate.

Really though, all of those decisions are what you want and are comfortable with. I would be happy to show you some pictures from Alexandra's memorial if you think that would help. Hopefully this was helpful

Thank you, this is helpful.  We are also leaning towards cremation but I'm not sure how long it will take to get her ashes back and since the service will be in our home church a part of me does not want the memory of her ashes in the sanctuary.  I don't know how that is different from knowing that her funeral/memorial service was there but somehow it is.

I hadn't thought about a eulogy for Ava in regards to her personality during pregnancy.  She is a stubborn and uncooperative little thing, I got jabbed with a needle 3 different times during my amnio because she kept moving to where they were going to insert the needle.  I'm not sure that needs to be part of the service, but it helps to give us a possible direction.

[professormcgonagall]

It took a little over two weeks to get her ashes back. We didn't have the service in my home church because a wedding was taking there that day but I definitely understand not wanting to associate with that every time you are there.
Hugs. I am so sorry you even have to think about this. Planning a memorial for your child is a terrible thing

[iheartbroccoli]

Argh. I had a whole post typed up, and then it disappeared.

Anyway. We had a private viewing and funeral for Theo. We also buried him, as we were more comfortable with a burial. The funeral is for YOU and YH. You needs and wishes are the priority. I know it may be hard to say no to people, but if you are the slightest bit uncomfortable with something, don't do it. If you really want to do X instead of Y, do it. Tradition or not, what you want is what is important.

The viewing was just my husband and I, and the only other person at the funeral was our pastor. We chose not to invite anyone to either because of something my therapist helped me realize about myself. I tend to play the host, and look after everyone else before I consider my needs. And she pointed out that unless I was 100% sure I felt like I could put myself first at the funeral and not worry about everyone else and what they thought of me, I shouldn't invite them. I will admit I am a people pleaser, and I realized in talking with her that I would worry more about what others thought of my reaction at the funeral (was I crying too much? Not enough? etc.), that I wouldn't give myself permission to feel whatever I needed to feel. So we didn't invite anyone and I don't regret it. It was hard telling people they weren't invited (they wanted to come), but no one questioned me when I said it was for just MH and myself.

This may or may not be the right choice for you, but my point is do whatever you and YH want. Try not to worry about whether it's customary to have the wake at your house, if you think there is the smallest chance you can't handle it at your house, have it somewhere else.

As for music and scripture, the only song we played was "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt (singer in Sanctus Real). We gave our pastor free reign on picking out what scripture to talk about, and I don't remember much of it now, but I remember being very moved by what he said. We also did a dedication at the funeral. We also believe babies go to Heaven automatically, so we basically said "God, I know Theo is with you now, but we dedicate him and his life to you".

At the viewing, MH and I placed a picture of the three of us in his casket. We wanted him to be buried with it.

I feel like you do on the strong thing, I am not CHOOSING to be strong. I certainly don't feel strong. I would much rather be viewed as weak and have my son alive.

[aprilz81]

Thank you iheartbroccoli your story helps. I've thought about a private service, but I'm not sure that is the right route for us to take. We have had so much support from the moment we announced our pregnancy that I feel like I want and need their support for the funeral service. If/when we bury her or inter her ashes I want that to be a much smaller group or possibly immediate family only.

[heartpresidents]

Our son was a little older when he passed away so my funeral experience is a bit different. I'll leave that piece to the ladies above.

But as for how you feel when people say you are strong - yes! I certainly don't feel strong, there is just no other option than to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You go into survival mode and do what has to be done. I always tell people they would act the same way in my situation, they just haven't had to.

[shandorfml2]

It's hard to be told how strong you are, when you really have no other choice.

For Ana, we had her funeral two days after she was born. It was difficult physically but we chose not to embalm her so we wanted to do it quickly. We had a photo album of her pictures, and we read some poetry and prayers. It was only immediate family and two close friends. It was simple.

We decided to bury her. Picked a family plot and her headstone. She died in early march so the ground was still frozen. We buried her in May, and had the same people attend her burial. Similar to her funeral, just some poems and songs. Then we went out for lunch. I went back to her grave after to decorate it. You can do the funeral any way you want.

[bananas22]

We didn't have a funeral, just a small ceremony at the hospital and then another with family a few months later. I knew I couldn't emotionally handle the details of planning a funeral but I still wanted to do something to remember him. We had him cremated but that was mostly because we would have had to transport him across state lines and again, I wasn't able to emotionally deal with that.

It kinda drove me crazy at first when people told me I was being strong because I had the same thought, what choice do I have? But you should give yourself credit for the thought you putting into everything you are doing right now. You could just be ignoring it all but instead you are doing everything you can for your daughter and that takes a strong person.

[rslh10]

God I hate when people say that you're so strong. You have no choice. I know they mean well, but what other choice do you have. This irritated me to my core when Kenley died- I wrote a blog post about it because I remember thinking "no shit I'm being strong...the only other choice is rolling over and giving up...i didn't want this, or ask for it. It was pushed on me."

Kenley was cremated, we dressed her in our favorite outfit, wrapped her in our favorite blanket, and put her stuffed toy Fox in with her. We also wrote her a letter.

I agree with others, this isn't about other people- it's for you and your H to remember your beautiful daughter. Do not feel you have to do anything because "tradition" says so. You need to grieve and feel the emotions feeely, so if you feel that having to host people would take away from YOUR grief process I say don't do it.

For three weeks after Kenley died, we had family here with us and we laid in bed 80% of the time, crying and sleeping. I remember thinking I should get up and socialize with my family, but I just couldn't. And they understood.

Good luck ((hugs))

[heartangelsmama]

Honestly I felt everything that people said to me weird and strange. They had no idea, how could they say anything. But from the other parents that had gone through it I could relate, I could vent. I know saying we are strong when we had no other choice is kind of weird but I believe we are. We are because even though we had no choice we still choose to find joys in the days that come after and to bring meaning to their life for the rest of ours. And to do this day after day when all we want to do is be with them takes strength.

Lily was 7 months when she passed. We did not do anything at a funeral home, we rented a hall and did and open house style. She was cremated but I did not have her ashes their. We had a couple of tables with her toys and things that were given to her or reminded us of her. We had bought this big picture for her nursery when I was still pregnant after we got her diagnosis. Since she never came home to her nursery it never got hung up but it was still hers so we had that there. Her bravery beads were on display and each table had a picture of her. We had no eulogy or speeches. My husband put together a video of all the videos we had of her and it was just on continuous play over at a side table so people could go up and watch it on their own time.

I tried to make it as easy on me as possible. I did not want to be having to comfort others. I felt it worked the best for us, people could go by and see her pictures and videos but my husband and I were not standing right there.