Weekly Post through 12/11

[silverspoon]

I thought I would start a new thread for the week. 

Desktop is messing up for me so standby for a real post

[silverspoon]

So this is a tl;Dr about why I'm so angry and it's all directed at H.

As J gets older I'm confronted more and more with how much I want to move and how small our house is. H has been working on this house for 7 years. We still can't sell it because it's not done. I don't think someone can put a mortgage on it. We don't have one because he bought it cheap for cash and his intention was always to flip it.

When I come home I see the front porch. He power washed the old stain off but it's still there on most of it so part of it is rust red color, part is the new wood where he replaced the railing, and part is the new dark brown stain he started painting in May and then abruptly stopped. He painted one railing, a part of another, a few posts and then quit. This was in May. According to him, it's been raining since May and it can't be finished.

The roof over our house is new as of last summer. The roof over our garage is still the old one. All the shingles are in our shed that he's been building for 7 years. He never made any plans to finish it this summer.

He took the old siding off the back of the house and put up new. He stopped where the house meets the garage. That's still the mint green. Why? I don't know. I do know he never went back out there to finish it. The siding he took off is in a pile, steps out from our back door so every time I let the dog out she has to walk over or around it. He hauled some it away and then just stopped.

He ran my car into a tree last winter because he was messing with the radio and didn't notice the road ended. He lied to me at first and told me he slid on ice. It cracked the top of the bumper. He hasn't done a thing to fix it. It would be really expensive to take it to the dealership. He does body work and paints cars. He fixed up a truck this summer. Everyday I see this truck he spent all August working on. Then I see my cracked bumper. Our car insurance is already high because he hits a deer every year. I can't justify turning that in.


So. Yeah, everyday I pull in and see the porch, the roof, the back of our house and I'm really really angry. I feel like I'm stuck in this house because of him. It would cost a lot to hire this out. This house is our down payment for our new one should it ever be finished.

And if you're thinking he had J this summer, he only had him 2 days a week.

I try so hard to make the inside nice because of all my feels about the outside so when I perceive him to have "messed it up" this anger just grows more.

I'm still going to talk to my OB, but yeah, I feel a lot of it is justified or I'm starting to feel we aren't compatible living together.

[silverspoon]

Well fuck that's long.

It felt kind of good to type out though.

[NellieOleson]

silverspoon - That definitely sounds like a lot of reasons to be angry. How much have you talked to him about this stuff? Can you try to sit down and make some short and longterm lists of things that need to get done? Are there things that you can do that would help you feel a little more in control of the situation? Maybe you can finish painting the front porch? I hate the feeling of being helpless/stuck, and I would be angry, too.

As far as whether your anger is "normal" or not, that is so hard to know - even for the person experiencing it. For example, I get pretty severe PMS. For the week before my period starts I am ANGRY. Like there are times when I feel certain that I will divorce my husband because I'm just so pissed off at him. It is like a seething, relentless fury that I can't shake. But as soon as the PMS is gone, the bad anger is, too. I still get mad at him, and I get all kinds of resentful about free time, responsibilities, etc - but it feels situational and blows over. I have good moments with him where I remember why I married him.

It took me years to realize my PMS made me so angry, but now I know it does I can look at the calendar and remind myself that maybe I don't really hate my husband as much as it feels like I do in that moment, and that helps a little. If that makes sense?

[scorpioscuba]

Wow. I remember you talking about the house stuff during our pregnancies. So I can see how you would have lots of anger and resentment over this. I would as well!! Have you talked about this with him, like you just did with us? Basically, this is becoming a deal breaker for you? I'd also seriously consider marriage counseling so you have a "mediator" to help you with this discussion and these issues.

Lastly, HUGS. I'm sorry you are going through this and that these issues have just gotten worse and not better.

[kcrkcs]

silverspoon I would be pretty friggin angry too. I think sometimes people want to take on these big projects and the get going, get in the middle and get overwhelmed and just stop. It's not fun, something is tricky and they lose momentum. Some people just don't have the personality to do projects like this successfully. This was something I had to learn with my hubs. His intentions are the best but he can't always follow through. I TOTALLY get not being able to afford to just pay to have it all done. Sometimes if I pay for one thing it helps hubs get the drive to get the other done. Could you pick a cheaper project to have completed? Could you guys use friend labor and turn it into a party. We did that at our farm this summer. I don't know but big hugs this shit is soooooooooooooo frustrating.

[silverspoon]

We do talk. It does turn to arguing a lot. He has a lot of what I think of as just excuses, but for the most part they don't really hold weight with me. Such as when he keeps insisting it's been raining since May.

I do think marriage counseling might be a good idea scorpioscuba. I feel a bit like we've lost the ability to talk to each other without it turning into an argument.

[silverspoon]

Thank you guys for listening to me vent. I do love him and he is a great dad and I do really believe he tries, but me and him just can't get on the same page about things. I'm going to attempt to write down my main concerns and see if we can't put a real, not hypothetical "maybe we'll get to it this weekend", plan in place.

I will tell you this. My next house will be turn key. Never again will I live in a remodel. I don't have the patience for it.

[tinydancer]

silverspoon, house projects are SO frustrating. And if he's anything like MH, he watches these youtube videos or HGTV and thinks it'll just be so easy. I agree with kcrkcs, that maybe you can think about hiring one or two of the things out (even if to a group of friends for a six pack and some pizza). It's a gazillion times easier for MH to follow through on a project if someone is helping him, and usually the biggest hurdle is just starting up again.

Also, I noticed that it sounds like these are all his projects, but I think it would be totally reasonable for you to be able to feel like you have some ownership over them too. You live in the house, and it's your future down payment too, and so you should have some input over when and how these things get done. With MH, I usually approach it like, it's really bothering me that this is not done, so what can I do to help us get this done? In the past I've even said, I'd like to take something off your plate - can we delegate this project to me and you'll just let me handle it? And then sometimes I'll hire someone to do it if I can't fix it myself. (At first he used to resist hiring it out in the moment, but at the end he's always glad that it's done.) And I try to remind him - often times done is better than perfect.

Amen to turnkey - we're in a rental now and it was SO nice to just move our stuff in and start living.

I'm also glad that you're going to talk to your OB and considering marriage counseling. Sometimes its easier to talk to a neutral party, and having a noninterested party's input can be reassuring.

[NellieOleson]

silverspoon - I'll add one more thing to this conversation....

When you sit down and have a conversation with him about getting a plan in place, I'd suggest letting him know just how much you are struggling. Not just with the unfinished projects around the house, but with adjusting to your new lives as parents, as well. I have a tendency to hold my emotions in, and a lot of times that leads to me feeling more and more tense inside, and building more and more walls around my inner core of freaking out. It's hard for me to admit that I'm having a hard time, and it's even sometimes hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable to my husband. But when I allow myself to kind of let go of my pride and defenses, it usually ends up being a much better conversation.


Becoming a parent is so disorienting - you are suddenly not in complete control of your life anymore. I'm sure feeling like you aren't in control of your home just magnifies that feeling.

[Lollipop]

silverspoon I think I would be angry about that stuff too. We've never bought a house, but I know for a fact that if I have to do more than throw on a coat of paint, we will not be moving into that place. We also won't be building. Everyone I know that has built a house has been told they could move in 2 months before the house was actually ready. Move in ready all the way for us. Plus my H is useless at home improvement type stuff

[NellieOleson]

I just found out Apple is recalling some iPhones because they shut off unexpectedly. I've been having this problem for a couple months, and thought I was just doomed to lame phone purgatory until next fall. Turns out my phone is one of the ones that will get fixed. I'm borderline irrationally excited about this. No more plugging my phone into the Apple display at Target when it dies for no reason with 40% battery left. How can I Amazon price match with dead phone?!

[dizzycooks]

Dec 6, 2016 14:25:55 GMT -5 NellieOleson said:

I just found out Apple is recalling some iPhones because they shut off unexpectedly. I've been having this problem for a couple months, and thought I was just doomed to lame phone purgatory until next fall. Turns out my phone is one of the ones that will get fixed. I'm borderline irrationally excited about this. No more plugging my phone into the Apple display at Target when it dies for no reason with 40% battery left. How can I Amazon price match with dead phone?!

Hmm how do you find out about this? My phone shut down a week ago at 30% and I have no idea why.

[NellieOleson]

Dec 6, 2016 14:55:54 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

Dec 6, 2016 14:25:55 GMT -5 NellieOleson said:

I just found out Apple is recalling some iPhones because they shut off unexpectedly. I've been having this problem for a couple months, and thought I was just doomed to lame phone purgatory until next fall. Turns out my phone is one of the ones that will get fixed. I'm borderline irrationally excited about this. No more plugging my phone into the Apple display at Target when it dies for no reason with 40% battery left. How can I Amazon price match with dead phone?!

Hmm how do you find out about this? My phone shut down a week ago at 30% and I have no idea why.

www.apple.com/support/iphone6s-unexpectedshutdown/

[Lollipop]

It is so freaking cold here this week. It's -19 before windchill. It feels like closer to -25 or so. They kept the kids inside yesterday at school and they probably will again today. When S gets home we're going to decorate for Christmas, at least inside. I doubt H will want to stand outside for the 10 minutes or so it will take to hang the outside lights lol. I can't even blame him, I'm cold and I haven't even left the house.

[dizzycooks]

Dec 6, 2016 15:06:58 GMT -5 NellieOleson said:

Dec 6, 2016 14:55:54 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

Hmm how do you find out about this? My phone shut down a week ago at 30% and I have no idea why.

www.apple.com/support/iphone6s-unexpectedshutdown/

Hmm I'll be making an appointment. Thanks!

[Lollipop]

I love my family. My mom and sister arranged their schedules for tomorrow and Friday so they can do drop off and pick up for S so I don't have to make him walk and drag the baby out. They're so awesome.

We got the inside of the house decorated, as much as we can, since we don't have many non-tree decorations. We also don't have stockings up yet. But we have the tree up and some things that my mom made on the mantle. I think H and S are going to set up H's mini star wars tree in the playroom next to the gerbil later this week.

[icequeen]

silverspoon, I just refreshed the thread from last night and posted over there so I didn't see that you started a new one here. Anyway... You are totally justified in being angry. I would be furious, resentful, and hurt. It is not fair for you or your son to live in these conditions that you are clearly unhappy with and were promised something entirely different. I think it would be good if you could see a marriage counselor to mediate the conversation because I know all too well how each conversation with my husband can turn into an argument. Maybe you have already tried this but how about sitting down during an amicable time and planning out a realistic timeline and some shared responsibility in fixing the house? It seems like it is too overwhelming for YH, which is something he should have considered earlier. I am so sorry that you and your son are paying the price for his carelessness. We are all here for you any time.

[scorpioscuba]

Did you end up sleep training, 14joa31?? How did it go?

[scorpioscuba]

H's last final is tomorrow at noon. He will be out of school until Jan 9th. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. 😳

[kcrkcs]

scorpioscuba my hubs will have a big work hiatus starting probably this week as well. My level of ambivalence is high.

[14joa31]

scorpioscuba - your timing is impeccable - she slept through the night for the first time last night! She has always gone to bed super easily - but she would wake up at midnight and again around three and we would just offer her the bottle. We did the wait five minutes and then comfort - she learned to self-soothe! FX she keeps it up! How is sleep training going for you?

silverspoon - that must drive you nuts to come home every day to a half-finished flip. That would certainly cause a ton of resentment. I agree with icequeen that maybe you should ask a third party - like a counselor - to help you on this one. Sometimes dudes just need to hear it from someone else. Sending you all the good vibes!!

[silverspoon]

His snowsuit should come today. Trying it on should be fun. He gets mad when I put him in his fleece to go in the car.

I still need to find boots. This whole babies out in the snow thing at daycare seems to be way more trouble than it's worth. I do not envy his teachers that have to get 7 10-18month olds dressed and outside.

[scorpioscuba]

So happy to hear ST is going well, 14joa31!

We have been working on ST for a couple of weeks now and we have made some significant progress. I sort of came up with my own method that I could live with and limited the crying to something bearable for me and her. She is now self soothing for most wake ups if you want to call them that. Sometimes I think she just cries out in her sleep because by the time I look at the monitor she is out. She wakes up fully around 2am now and I'm still nursing her then. I'm going to go with this for a few more days and then possibly try to cut that out as well and hope she can fully STTN. I'm in a much better place with this though!

[NellieOleson]

Ugh. I need to sleep train again. Do not want to, but also do not want to keep sleeping with a baby who wakes up eleventy billion times a night.

[scorpioscuba]

Dec 7, 2016 10:25:15 GMT -5 NellieOleson said:

Ugh. I need to sleep train again. Do not want to, but also do not want to keep sleeping with a baby who wakes up eleventy billion times a night.

Seriously. I honestly wonder what the point of ST is when you just have to do it..over...and over...and over again. I find ST infinitely harder the older they get and more aware they are that you are just in the other room. Ugh. It sucks. Sorry, mama! I was hoping your DD had kept up her good sleeping habits!

[Lollipop]

I've been putting off sleep training in the hope that she'll just figure it out herself like S did. It doesn't seem to be happening. She still wakes up once or twice a night. Last night she only got up once, but S got up at 2:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep. He laid in his bed moaning for 20 minutes.

[silverspoon]

Sleep training for us began in July and is still ongoing. Even with wake-ups, it is so much better having him sleep in his crib instead of in the rock n play next to our bed. He wasn't going to be able to stay in it much longer anyway.

I'm trying now to not jump out of bed to soothe him and find his pacifier. This week I started lying there and waiting it out. It's never taken him more than 10 minutes to settle.

[NellieOleson]

Dec 7, 2016 10:45:27 GMT -5 scorpioscuba said:

Dec 7, 2016 10:25:15 GMT -5 NellieOleson said:

Ugh. I need to sleep train again. Do not want to, but also do not want to keep sleeping with a baby who wakes up eleventy billion times a night.

Seriously. I honestly wonder what the point of ST is when you just have to do it..over...and over...and over again. I find ST infinitely harder the older they get and more aware they are that you are just in the other room. Ugh. It sucks. Sorry, mama! I was hoping your DD had kept up her good sleeping habits!

She was doing so well for a while, but she had a really bad stretch with her tummy, and started sleeping terribly. I put her back in bed with me because I just couldn't let her cry not knowing if she crying because she didn't want to go to bed, or because her tummy hurt. Then we went to Minnesota for a week, then we all got sick once we were back home, and now she is teething.....

And you are so right. It feels so futile going through the whole ST thing only to have to do it again. And it would be MUCH harder to leave her in her crib to cry now than a few months ago. My motivation to tackle this is very, very low right now, but then I think *what if it works???!* and the thought of having a bed to myself and baby that STTN gives me a glimmer of hope.

How is your dd sleeping, kelltothekell?

[silverspoon]

Honest Overnight diapers have been purchased. EVERYTHING is crossed these work.

I tried using his Pampers Cruisers he wears during the day and only had a 50% success rate at night. It's 100% during the day.

I did buy one size up so I'm hoping this is it. Could it be the way he sleeps? I can't change that. He sleeps on his belly, but with his legs folded under him and his butt in there  the air. The pee just kind of seems to flow downhill.