So many thoughts...

[aprilz81]

I feel like I'm broken inside, but not because of grief but the relative lack of grief over losing Ava.  We mourned, we cried, we asked "why us" but it was in stages after we got the diagnosis and after every appointment and test after that.  Now that she is gone I mostly feel relief that the painful journey is over and yet I feel like it was all a dream.

We have nursery furniture, we have hand me down clothes and baby items, we have a mold of her feet, footprints and pictures.  I know I was pregnant and I know I gave birth (my still sore tailbone is proof), but it doesn't seem real.  I had a dream last week that I was looking at a picture of Ava and knew she was our daughter but that I couldn't remember her name.

I expected to spend weeks in bed or on the couch crying.  I do cry more easily these days, especially when talking about her, but otherwise I'm "normal" which I feel is NOT normal.

I know we all grieve differently and in stages, but seriously, is something wrong with me?  I'm hoping that we had so much time to prepare for her passing that it is like a sick older relative dying.  You are just thankful they aren't sick and hurting anymore...

On an unrelated note, my OB says we are safe to try again in 3-6 months.  I have PCOS and will need to see an RE to try to get pregnant again so we won't have the luxury of "let's just see what happens".  Physically I'm worried that that isn't a long enough spacing but emotionally I'm ready to try again.

Physically the pregnancy was pretty easy for me, only a week of nausea, not a huge weight gain and not a lot of aches and pains until about 30 weeks (Ava was born at 32 weeks). My only real complication was GD and that wasn't a shock due to my PCOS, pre-pregancy weight, age and family history.

I will be talking to my OB about risks of back to back pregnancies and talking to my RE about this as well, but I want some first hand experiences of what your decision making process was like if you decided to try for another child.

[rslh10]

((Hugs)) there is NOTHING wrong with you. Grief is all kinds of fucked up. It makes you feel things you didn't know possible, and honestly there are days where I feel "normal" too. I'm pretty sure most of us can say that, but in your case, is it s possibility that you and your husband grieved her after you got your DX? I mean to say, if you got your DX let's say 3 months ago (I'm sorry I'm not sure how far along you were when you found out) you have had the time to process what happened and fully expected the outcome- as opposed to going in and being blindsided by the news?

Not saying that is any easier, obviously, but saying this because you've probably processed a lot of your feelings about everything already.

Whatever you feel, is normal for your situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. ((Hugs)) friend!!!

[aprilz81]

Dec 6, 2016 13:08:39 GMT -5 rslh10 said:

((Hugs)) there is NOTHING wrong with you. Grief is all kinds of fucked up. It makes you feel things you didn't know possible, and honestly there are days where I feel "normal" too. I'm pretty sure most of us can say that, but in your case, is it s possibility that you and your husband grieved her after you got your DX? I mean to say, if you got your DX let's say 3 months ago (I'm sorry I'm not sure how far along you were when you found out) you have had the time to process what happened and fully expected the outcome- as opposed to going in and being blindsided by the news?

Not saying that is any easier, obviously, but saying this because you've probably processed a lot of your feelings about everything already.

Whatever you feel, is normal for your situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. ((Hugs)) friend!!!

We got the original news at 18 weeks and a few days, so we had almost 14 weeks to process and grieve.  I would suspect the long time to prepare is helping us, but again, I feel guilty that I'm "okay" less than 3 weeks after losing her.

Each appointment, each test, each phone call with test results and more bad news was so hard on us, me especially.  We definitely did grieve for most of that 14 weeks...

[rslh10]

Dec 6, 2016 13:17:49 GMT -5 aprilz81 said:

Dec 6, 2016 13:08:39 GMT -5 rslh10 said:

((Hugs)) there is NOTHING wrong with you. Grief is all kinds of fucked up. It makes you feel things you didn't know possible, and honestly there are days where I feel "normal" too. I'm pretty sure most of us can say that, but in your case, is it s possibility that you and your husband grieved her after you got your DX? I mean to say, if you got your DX let's say 3 months ago (I'm sorry I'm not sure how far along you were when you found out) you have had the time to process what happened and fully expected the outcome- as opposed to going in and being blindsided by the news?

Not saying that is any easier, obviously, but saying this because you've probably processed a lot of your feelings about everything already.

Whatever you feel, is normal for your situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. ((Hugs)) friend!!!

We got the original news at 18 weeks and a few days, so we had almost 14 weeks to process and grieve.  I would suspect the long time to prepare is helping us, but again, I feel guilty that I'm "okay" less than 3 weeks after losing her.

Each appointment, each test, each phone call with test results and more bad news was so hard on us, me especially.  We definitely did grieve for most of that 14 weeks...

Don't feel guilty. I know that's easier said than done, but you are allowed to feel whatever you do. ((Hugs))

[professormcgonagall]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes our reality is different than what we imagined.
I have felt the same way and my counselor told me there is no certain way to grieve. Sometimes I feel as though I don't think about her enough or cry enough. We all imagine the grieving mother to be someone who spends weeks in bed, doesn't eat or sleep or leave the house and that is not simply the case. Some days you can feel normal and others can knock you down. It certainly doesn't mean you love her any less or miss her any less. I agree with the thought that you might feel this way because you had the time to process your grief after her diagnosis.
Please be kind to yourself. Whatever way you grieve is the right way for you and there is nothing wrong with feeling normal some days.
I have no experience with trying for another child but I think if it feels right then go for it. If you don't feel ready, then there is nothing wrong with waiting a little longer.

[sandj918]

Grief comes in all forms and there's no right or wrong way.
I met with a friend a few weeks ago whose daughter got a fatal diagnosis at 20 weeks but survived to term. They buried her 2 years ago. She actually said something very similar to what you're feeling. She said the devastation after her diagnosis and the waiting in limbo before she was actually born and died were some of the darkest days. She also said that she felt unnaturally ok for months after her burial because the days when she was pregnant and waiting for her death had been so hard that the aftermath felt slightly better when they had closure. She did mention that she started to feel the loss more after the initial months.
So much love to you and your husband. Your love for Ava is apparent to everyone.

[iheartbroccoli]

There is nothing wrong with you. Everybody grieves differently, but I've also had some days that are normal. We were blindsided by Theo's condition when he was born, and I can say I had days soon after his birth and death that I felt normal. Grief for me, especially in the beginning, changed hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute. Some moments I felt normal and fine, others I didn't. I think it's common to have this idea of what grief should look like, but often that idea is far from the reality. And that's ok. We all grieve differently, and it doesn't mean you don't love Ava as much as you do.

I sometimes I feel like my pregnancy with Theo was a dream. Though we had a completed nursery and everything he could possibly need, sometimes I felt like the pregnancy was just an extended dream of mine and it never happened. For me, I think part of that feeling is because we never got to take him home and only saw him in the hospital and not "real life".

I was cleared to start trying again soon after Theo died, within a couple of months if I remember correctly. I also had an easy pregnancy, with no complications. I had an emergency C-section after 28 hours of labor. My OB said that if I wanted to go for a VBAC, I would have to wait longer, but I knew I would want a RCS so that wasn't something I needed to consider.

We knew immediately after he died that we wanted more kids. It was one of the first things we said to each other after we left the hospital actually. For us, we just knew our family wasn't complete yet. Theo made us parents, and we wanted that chance to parent a living child.

We ended up waiting almost 7 months to start trying again. Theo had a rare genetic condition, and we wanted to know if it was hereditary or a random mutation before we started trying.

[bananas22]

Grief can be so unpredictable. There are days I feel fine, days I feel upset for no reason at all, and days where I'm feeling fine but then something reminds me of Everett and being pregnant and I'm a mess. I think that it's not the same for everyone and there is no real path anyone should (or shouldn't) take. I also think there's no getting through grief but it becomes part of who you are and you began to live with it, but not necessarily in a negative way.

We had hoped to be trying again by now (it's been just over 5 months) but I got diagnosed with Asherman's syndrome so that has delayed us. I also have PCOS, so I've been working with my RE to hopefully cycle in January. My ob gyn didn't give us any restrictions on when to try again but we were going to wait at least three months anyway just to give my body time to heal and recover. In a way I'm kind of relieved that we were forced to wait. After we lost Everett, I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again right away. However, waiting awhile has forced me to mourn what we lost and hopefully have my head in a better place for a (hopeful) future pregnancy.

[fknhostile]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or the way you are grieving. I thought I would be out for months. But I felt better well before I thought I would. I asked MH what was wrong with me. Am I doing something wrong? He made a point that I usually hold emotions inside and never let them out. I'm not usually a crier. But after losing our son I let it all out. I cried, screamed, everything. And that helped me.

I am also learning through all this that everyone grieves differently. Hugs ***

As for trying again, we are waiting until the due date passes to even start the conversation.

[peaseblossom55]

Grief comes in all shapes and that shape can depend so much on what is going on around you. It may be fine one day and then in a few weeks you may not want to get out of bed. We were told we could try again 6 weeks after Anne.liese was born. We went to the RE at that time because like you PCOS and no natural cycles. We knew we wanted to try again and expand our family, make Anne.liese a big sister. In a way it helped me heal and gave me something to focus my energy on.

[aprilz81]

Dec 12, 2016 15:50:14 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

Grief comes in all shapes and that shape can depend so much on what is going on around you. It may be fine one day and then in a few weeks you may not want to get out of bed. We were told we could try again 6 weeks after Anne.liese was born. We went to the RE at that time because like you PCOS and no natural cycles. We knew we wanted to try again and expand our family, make Anne.liese a big sister. In a way it helped me heal and gave me something to focus my energy on.

Wow, 6 weeks?  That seems like it isn't nearly enough time for your body to recuperate. I'm thinking we might try again in March, that would be 4 months and even that seems quick from a physical perspective (emotionally I feel like I could do it now).  I also want to make sure that if we would get pregnant quickly that delivery would be more than 12 months after Ava so I would be eligible for FMLA and short term disability again, both policies say you can use it once per 12 months.

[peaseblossom55]

Dec 13, 2016 12:14:58 GMT -5 aprilz81 said:

Dec 12, 2016 15:50:14 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

Grief comes in all shapes and that shape can depend so much on what is going on around you. It may be fine one day and then in a few weeks you may not want to get out of bed. We were told we could try again 6 weeks after Anne.liese was born. We went to the RE at that time because like you PCOS and no natural cycles. We knew we wanted to try again and expand our family, make Anne.liese a big sister. In a way it helped me heal and gave me something to focus my energy on.

Wow, 6 weeks?  That seems like it isn't nearly enough time for your body to recuperate. I'm thinking we might try again in March, that would be 4 months and even that seems quick from a physical perspective (emotionally I feel like I could do it now).  I also want to make sure that if we would get pregnant quickly that delivery would be more than 12 months after Ava so I would be eligible for FMLA and short term disability again, both policies say you can use it once per 12 months.

I forgot I was cleared at 6 weeks. I didn't start back on femara until almost 9 weeks, I had a hysteroscopy prior to starting to TTC again. Perhaps rushing into it wasn't best. You have to do what is best for you, it seems like some time ( & a vacation) are what is best. I kind of wish we had waited a bit longer or taken a nicer vacation. At the time I was so focused on getting pregnant asap I thought that would cure all the hurt and sadness.

[aprilz81]

Dec 13, 2016 12:42:12 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

Dec 13, 2016 12:14:58 GMT -5 aprilz81 said:

Wow, 6 weeks?  That seems like it isn't nearly enough time for your body to recuperate. I'm thinking we might try again in March, that would be 4 months and even that seems quick from a physical perspective (emotionally I feel like I could do it now).  I also want to make sure that if we would get pregnant quickly that delivery would be more than 12 months after Ava so I would be eligible for FMLA and short term disability again, both policies say you can use it once per 12 months.

I forgot I was cleared at 6 weeks. I didn't start back on femara until almost 9 weeks, I had a hysteroscopy prior to starting to TTC again. Perhaps rushing into it wasn't best. You have to do what is best for you, it seems like some time ( & a vacation) are what is best. I kind of wish we had waited a bit longer or taken a nicer vacation. At the time I was so focused on getting pregnant asap I thought that would cure all the hurt and sadness.

Yes, a nice long, relaxing vacation is planned for February.  That is giving us something to look forward to until we go back to the RE.

[shandorfml2]

I agree with what everyone has said, there is nothing wrong with you. I wanted to be pregnant right away. We were cleared right away too, literally 6 weeks after giving birth. I have PCOS as well. we tried and it took us a year and a half. I am glad it did in retrospect. I was not emotionally or physically ready until about a year after her birth.