Boy-Girl Twin things

[schmella]

So this week, W has noticed A's penis.  Which has me thinking about all kinds of b/g twin issues and complications. Oh wise and experienced PoMs, tell me about the things you never thought you'd have to address, and how you handled it?  

1) W keeps trying to touch A in the tub.  What do I do?  Ignore it? Say no? Redirect?  Discuss it?  14m is a little early to explain the birds & the bees, or even good touch/bad touch, so... halp?

2) Do you find your b/g twins gravitating towards gender roles, gender specific clothing or toys, stereotypical behavior?  A was jealous of W's hairclip the other day (no wonder, we all tell her how pretty it is in an attempt to keep her from messing with it) so we put one on him and he was just beside himself giggling.  

3) When will you put them in separate rooms?  Separate for activities?  

[nomnom]

Following.

[richzep]

Mine aren't much older than yours so I'm interested in hearing the advice as well.

Right now, I ignore all the touching and pulling of penises. Olivia messes with Danny's all the time and even Charlie's (age 3). Charlie just giggles so I don't want to make him think that there's something wrong with it just yet. It's obviously still super innocent so I don't want to put in their heads that there's anything more to it. Maybe this is the wrong approach, I don't know.

As for toys, I completely let them do what they want. They all really just play with whatever at any given time so I let it be. When they're quiet, I don't interrupt.

I would think the same goes for behavior. Let them act how they want. They're not being gender specific so why should I be? They're not thinking about gender when playing or getting dressed so I have no reason to put it in their heads.

They're still super young and not asking any questions so it's easy to say all this now. Talk to me again when they're 4-5.

[schmella]

richzep, with the gender stuff, I'm really just curious. I wouldn't enforce any sort of gender norm on them, but I've noticed at 14m that my daughter hugs and kisses anything with a face and my sons primary attachment is to a whiffle golf ball. My pediatrician and I were discussing the behavioral differences between the two and her responses almost always lean towards "that's a boy/girl for you!" I just think it's interesting

[richzep]

schmella I genuinely don't think it's a girl or boy thing at that age. I'm curious about this too. My boy twin hugs and kisses everything. I bought a doll for my daughter because all we had are "boy toys" and she doesn't play with it at all. In fact, Charlie is the one who plays with the doll the most. But I think that's age appropriate for a 3 year old (to take care of and feed dolls). I don't know much about this stuff honestly. Olivia tends to only want to play with our train tracks (when I say play, I mean destroy). Danny loves his broom. Charlie loves his trucks and trains and Olivia's doll. And Olivia prefers to either destroy things or be carried.

I wasn't saying you would enforce one side or the other by the way. Hope that didn't come off that way.

I've just noticed with my kids there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to anything they gravitate towards. Lol. Not yet anyway.

[schmella]

Jan 2, 2017 18:25:35 GMT -5 richzep said:

I wasn't saying you would enforce one side or the other by the way. Hope that didn't come off that way.

Not at all! I just reread my post and wanted to clarify.

We got babies for them for their 1st birthday. Ash will play with one if prompted but more often than not Willow is carrying some combination of baby and stuffed animal around the house.

[richzep]

schmella I love that they carry stuff around. I'm like dude. You guys just learned to walk a few months ago. Why must you also carry stuff and try to balance yourself??

[schmella]

Okay, so I posted the penis question on a local forum and got a totally different response- everyone suggested a firm "no" and redirection, but I'm more in your camp, richzep.... hmm...

[richzep]

Jan 2, 2017 19:54:11 GMT -5 schmella said:

Okay, so I posted the penis question on a local forum and got a totally different response- everyone suggested a firm "no" and redirection, but I'm more in your camp, richzep.... hmm...

Oh really? Well I'd like to hear more answers. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is but yeah, I feel like ignore is kind of what we need to do. Who knows? This probably isn't the only way I'm screwing up my kids.

[schmella]

Jan 2, 2017 20:52:41 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

Jan 2, 2017 20:15:15 GMT -5 richzep said:

Oh really? Well I'd like to hear more answers. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is but yeah, I feel like ignore is kind of what we need to do. Who knows? This probably isn't the only way I'm screwing up my kids.

I obviously don't have kids but I am a pedi RN - I think the firm "no" is bringing too much of a negative connotation to it - almost like teaching them shame. Maybe a happy medium is in the middle? Redirect for now since they are so young but don't push it, and once older reinforce that we have to be respectful when we touch someone else's body? Especially these sensitive areas?

I like that a lot better. I was having trouble verbalizing other than it felt wrong. Someone said it was just like poking each other in the eye, but it's not! She's just interested and curious, not being aggressive or mean

[pbandj714]

Trying to absorb this thread to see what my future holds.

[aydee]

My b/g twins are almost 4 now.

When they started to notice one another's bodies, we would acknowledge and name the body part (yes, that's his penis) and just explain that you don't touch someone else's penis, vagina, bottom, etc... It was all very neutral (even cheerful I would dare say) but very consistent, and then we would redirect attention elsewhere. They're going to explore body parts just like they explore anything else at this age. It's their job to be curious about the world and it's our job to calmly teach them what is appropriate and what is not. They won't know that private parts are off limits unless we help them learn.

The general rule of thumb I always use when trying to figure out how to handle a particular behavior, is to ask myself if I would want them to do that at school or on the playground. If the answer is no, I need to find a way to redirect or change the behavior. Basic and consistent explanations go a long way, even at age 1.

As far as gender roles, yes, they most certainly gravitate towards stereotypical things. Our home has plenty of gender neutral toys as well as things like dolls, trucks, etc... They've always had free access and encouragement to play with whatever they choose. This is just who they are and what they like to do.

Sometimes my son likes to wear the princess dresses or try on the high heels. My daughter spends plenty of time playing with the garbage truck. We generally don't place any limits on their play. I've allowed my son to try on his sister's hair bows, but I wouldn't take him out of the house like that because I don't want him to be teased. The one limit I have set is that I don't paint his nails. We just recently started that with DD, and in order to help DS feel special too, we'll let him choose stamps to put on his hands or his feet. He's been satisfied with that so far. We're also careful to comment on how cute or handsome he looks, so he's getting just as many compliments as his sister.

They are still in the same room with no plan to separate any time soon. I may re-evaluate things around age 5 or 6 depending on the house we are in and whether DD and my youngest are ready to room together yet.

[nomnom]

I wonder now if daycare is imposing any gender norms for play time.

[schmella]

aydee, thanks for the response! I like the calm explanation concept without punishment. I'm a teeny tiny bit concerned that my little parrot will repeat penis a billion times but I figure it's payback for what I put my mother through!

nomnom, I wouldn't be terribly concerned at a D.C. Center but with at home it could go either way- I think the tough part is recognizing WHAT is gender specific.

[nomnom]

schmella I'm also not sure it matters if it isn't reinforced anywhere else, or even how to tell.

[anakah]

My b/g twins are 5.5 now. When they first showed interest in each other's parts in the tub we calmly named the part and explained that we don't touch other ppl there. i did have an interesting pickup from dc one day a little over 2 when their teacher said to me "I see your kids know their body parts." I casually responded oh yeah, we've been working on arms, legs, head etc. the teacher gave me a look and said umm yeah, I was referencing "those other body parts." Lol. We approached the situation the same way when ds2 was old enough for group bath and became interested in ds1's penis.

As far as gender stereotyping and toys, ds1 seemed to be interested in whatever DD has regardless. His favorite lovey turned out to be a stuffed pink giraffe his sister got even though he has an identical blue giraffe. During the toddler years DD had no interest in stuffed animals, babies, dolls etc and preferred cars and building blocks. Ds2 "gifted" each of the twins a baby doll upon his arrival and ds1 "cared" for his while DD tossed hers to the side. These days they play with whatever they feel like with no regard to the gender of the toy.

I do think daycare played a large role in introducing gender roles. We've always let them play with whatever at home but DS1 came home one day sad that he wasn't allowed to play in the home center because it was for girls. They also talked him out of getting a pink star face paint to match his sister because again, it was for girls. Words were had with the teachers but I don't think it helped much.

Ds1 just wants whatever his sister has to an extent but he still maintains a good sense of self identity. He'll pick cars over princess shoes because that's what he likes. But if his sister gets a pink flower cookie, he's going to want that one too so they can match. I'm not worried about it and try to roll with it as much as I can.

Hopefully all this made some sense, it's way late and I should be sleeping.

[anakah]

Forgot to add, the twins shared a room until they were 4. At that point we transitioned ds2 into a twin bed. Since the twins room was more baby proofed than the spare room, we made the decision to give DD her own room and have the boys share. If not for ds2 the twins would probably share until they asked to be separated. DD says she gets lonely in a room by herself.

[aydee]

Jan 3, 2017 0:18:15 GMT -5 schmella said:

aydee , thanks for the response! I like the calm explanation concept without punishment. I'm a teeny tiny bit concerned that my little parrot will repeat penis a billion times but I figure it's payback for what I put my mother through!

You might not have to worry about that as much as you might think. Since we never made a big deal about private parts and label them just as casually and matter-of-factly as any other body part during bathtime, our kids don't really talk about them much or think it's funny to say penis or vagina.

Of course, we are now starting to get the "poop" talk at the dinner table that they've picked up from preschool. They find any mention of poop to be hilarious, us not so much.  

[robertjane33]

My b/g twins are two, and I have dealt with this a little. Basically, a calm re-direct (Only your brother gets to play with his penis - not you.) Seemed to go well.

For rooms, we live in a two bedroom apartment, so they will share a room for as long as we can so we don't have to move.