Post by requiressnacks on Jan 8, 2017 22:16:02 GMT -5
Hi ladies, this post might be a bit AWish, or a ramble....but I need to get your advice, hair pats, perspective on something I'm dealing with. Please don't judge me too harshly.
I'm having a really hard time bonding with my babies. They are 8.5weeks old and I love them...in the "they are related to me and I love them" sort of way. They are also a ton of work, as you all know. I find myself just trying to get through the day making sure everyone is fed, happy, clean and on-schedule. There isn't a ton of snuggles, cuddling, gazing into each other's eyes....or basically anything that most of my BMB talks about. To get through the day without losing my shit I usually view them as my job for the day and do everything i can to get to 8 pm.
I wish I felt this instant bond with them that I was expecting/hoping for when I first found out I was pregnant. Sometimes I actually get pissed that I was dealt the twin card as my first kids. It's like I got cheated out of those moments that other FTMs get to experience. (Ex. People on my BMB talk about having their baby fall asleep on them. This literally would never happen to me because I'm all about swaddling, getting in the RnP and shushing until they fall asleep. )
I'm not depressed, so I don't think that's the issue here.
Huge hugs requiressnacks. I agree with @wineandcupcakes that this is normal and happens sometimes with singletons too. I am a big BMB person but one major downfall is that sometimes you feel like the odd duck. They can be so skewed as to who is there and what they share/how they share it, and sometimes that's not representative of real life at all, but how would we know that? I know you know all of this but... relevant. On my DD1's BMB I remember having this conversation, and a handful, maybe 4-5 moms felt like they didn't have that googoo gaga love/bond they felt they were supposed to feel at first.
As true as it is for singletons, it's even truer with twins, and you're right. It sucks sometimes... or even sucks often, especially at the stage you're at now. If life with a newborn is about survival, then life with 2 newborns is about I don't even know what. It's so hard that it becomes rote, or assembly-line like, whatever it takes to get through the day.
I guess what I want to say is that it's ok to allow yourself to feel that disappointment/jealousy/etc. It's real. But moments will come soon (really soon) where you realize you got a whole extra human to make your heart explode and it's pretty great. More hugs, we are here for you!!
First off, hugs, since I've been in your shoes and I know how hard it is to feel that way. Bonding can happen at any time. It's a total misconception that it has to happen at birth. For twin moms, the first year is all about survival. It does get easier as you make your way through those first few months, and eventually you'll be able to start focusing on more than just basic needs. You'll also start to get more interaction from the babies. They won't just be blobs with continual needs, lol.
For me, I bonded faster with my son because he was nursing, but I had a much harder time with my daughter. She wouldn't latch, so she was exclusively bottle fed, and my H and I often took a divide and conquer approach to feeding. When she was around 6 months old, I had a bit of a breakdown when I realized that I still didn't feel like I had a good bond with her. It sort of felt like she was somebody else's baby because, indeed, somebody else was almost always holding her, feeding her, etc.. because DS was a colicky mess and only wanted mommy. At that point I decided I needed to do things differently. So I made it a point to start holding her more, doing some of her feedings, rocking her, soothing her, and just generally trying to enjoy her more. It made a huge difference and we now have an awesome bond.
Just know that you haven't missed the opportunity to bond with your babies. They will soon start to become more fun and more interactive, and that helps tremendously. Is there anyone who can help you out with some of the caregiving tasks so you can spend a little time playing, snuggling, etc..? Even a mother's helper for a couple hours a week could make a difference.
As far as missing out on the singleton experience, I felt that too, pretty acutely. There's no way around it, as twin moms, we do miss out on certain experiences, but we have other ones that singleton moms will never get. When you're snuggling two babies in your arms in the rocking chair at bedtime, or your twins start spontaneously hugging one another, or giggling together, or saying one another's names, or chattering together, it's incredibly awesome. It's been hard as hell but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I just this weekend got a glimpse of what it's like to really get to bond with my babies. It was awesome and I'm definitely looking forward to more times like that. Having two babies at once is overwhelming at times and for a while, I didn't want to hold W (at all) because I hated the fact that the only time I held him was when he was screaming. We're better now and they're both getting to be so much more fun to be with.
Even with that, as soon as they're asleep, I put them down and go do things because when they're both asleep is the only time I have to do things. I really don't get to cuddle with them or let them sleep on me.
requiressnacks It took me 3-4 months to start feeling like my kids are actually mine and take care of them because I care about them rather than because I'm supposed to. Even though I've come to love them dearly, I still treasure when they're sleeping to do non-kid stuff.
Also, they've started playing with each other. R has been very sick with RSV the last few days. When he was lying limply under his blanket jest being a miserable little boy, G walked up to his feet and started playing with them and cackling. R smiled a bit and let out a little roll of laughter despite being exhausted from being unable to eat and sleep well and running a fever.
I hope the early months will be easier the second time around because I know what to expect. My older pair shows me what to look forward to.
I am glad that you put that out there requiressnacks, as you can see you are not alone. I feel like it is likely that we all have felt this way from time to time. And you will get there. I was not alone with my babies until they were about 2.5 months so I had individual time with them, and that helped for sure. But life with babies and definitely twins is not like TV and all happy, happy, easy, easy, full of instant love. Love sometimes needs time to grow. And right now when all is just like a factory and survival. Once you see more interaction from them to you, when you can see their love for you in their eyes. You start to feel it easier! Hugs lady, time will help it all get better.
Me: 36, DH 32 Bfp#1 June 2014 edd: Feb. 22, 2015,mmc: Aug. 5,2014,D&C Bfp#2 Feb. 2015 edd: Oct.12, 2015, mmc: Mar. 7,2015, D&C
DX: Me: slightly hypothyroid, taking meds DH: SA Showed all low levels, urologist appointment showed all was normal, so no reason why the levels were bad.
Plan: IUI #1 Aug. 25mg clomed, to help boost egg quality - BFN IUI #2 Sept. 25mg clomed, BFN IUI#3 Dec. BFP!! TWINS Edd: Aug. 22, 2016
My husband and I used to talk a lot about how the early days barely feel like parenting at all; they're mostly about "managing" the kids with very little reward because they're barely interactive (if at all). With multiples, it's much, much harder because we're dealing with two or more newborns instead of just one. Although I love my twins a great deal, I honestly don't recall the newborn phase fondly. It definitely wasn't some sort of euphoric life-stage characterized by overwhelming love. I felt it was just really, really hard work, and (like you) I worried about whether my attitude toward them was somehow deficient. I realize now that it wasn't. My two will be 4 months old on Saturday, and I have no concerns at all about my bond with them. They are amazing, interactive little humans who play and sleep way more than before and who have wonderful personalities that I am loving getting to know. Hang in there and know that a) you're not at all alone, and b) it gets so, so much better with each month.
Oh honey I'll be back for a real response at nap time. But yes, to all of that. And along with aydee, I didn't really bond with A until he was much older, so please cut yourself some slack. I couldn't participate in my BMB without biting my tongue or rolling my eyes and I avoided friends with singletons for a LONG time. Hugs mama, you're in good company
Not yet any true help from a twins perspective but I think a lot of moms actually fell this way. I certainly did with LO1 and she was a singleton. I think it's one of the misconceptions passed along by social media and new moms only posting the sunshine and rainbows after birth and not the full story.
Post by requiressnacks on Jan 9, 2017 11:19:42 GMT -5
Thank you, all. It is very comforting to know that I am not alone and am actually in good company. I thought for sure that my feelings were because I had two babies, and it's interesting to hear that people with single babies have felt this too. And the feelings of jealousy toward singletons is real and present in my life.
I am going to do my best to be more mindful during my day and enjoy the quiet moments when I have just one baby to deal with - even if it is a diaper change or someone wakes up early from a nap.
We are getting close to smiles that aren't poop related so I am hopeful that good times are right around the corner.
And for reals, I can't wait until they tell me they love me and start interacting with each other.
So I'm hopeful for the future, but doing my best not to wish away my maternity leave.
Things will be so much better once they start smiling and really interacting with you. They will also get better at independent play, which helps in terms of one-to-one time. I can leave one baby on the activity mat or in a swing while I spend time with the other. Everything you're going through is normal. It's so hard, but I promise it gets better!
It's not just a twin thing. I felt the same way with DS (who is a singleton). Those first few months can be hard, and I imagine even harder with twins.
Keep in mind that a lot of people/new moms say what they think they're supposed to say and don't necessarily share the hard parts of parenthood.
It does get better and easier and you will feel the bond. The fact that you're worried about it just means you'll make sure it happens.
But cut yourself some slack. They're only 8.5 weeks old and a Hella a lot of work right now.
I'm so glad you asked this requiressnacks Being a FTM is hard enough and I feel like being a FTM to multiples is damn near impossible. I shared some of this on my BMB the other day but basically I feel like there's never 100% to give to any one baby. First, one baby currently needs more of mom than the other. So she gets more one on one time and more holding. But even then, that time is further diviided (or not "wholesome") because it's tending to reflux issues, choking episodes, fussiness, etc.
H went back to work last week and it has been an absolute nightmare. If they're on the same schedule it sucks. If they get off schedule it sucks. No just laying around with Netflix on and gazing into their eyes - it's an around the clock production line of feeding, burping, cleaning bottles, making bottles, changing, bathing, getting them to nap, etc etc etc.
I have felt so much sadness that I missed the singleton mom experience, and then I feel guilty that I feel that way. It's a little better when H is home, but not even bc Adeline still gets more of my attention bc she's more fussy and specific about what she wants/needs whereas Alec is more easygoing so I usually pass him to H.
I've made it a point to try to bond with each, even if it's just taking five minutes during a diaper change for him.
I don't know when it gets better, but I have to believe that it does.
I will agree that now that I get real smiles, I at least know I'm reaching them as I can make them smile with my face, or saying something, or kissing them. I love for those smiles to assure me that I'm doing ok. Just wait for that and you'll *know* you're doing a-ok.
Post by requiressnacks on Jan 9, 2017 20:32:34 GMT -5
aydee, I do think BFing would have helped form the bond sooner. (This entire topic is a source of agony and guilt for me) I love how I can share the burden of bottle feeding with others, but it may have delayed the connection a bit.
Post by requiressnacks on Jan 9, 2017 20:34:03 GMT -5
Squishy622, the jealousy is real. Which is so ironic because I was over the moon when I found out we were expecting twins. But the reality of it is super duper hard.
Post by requiressnacks on Jan 9, 2017 20:37:41 GMT -5
@feegan, I love your advice and I took it to heart and made a greater effort today. I found that there was so much more I could be doing to interact with them if I just took a little bit of time.
Well now that @feegan made me cry...seriously...once I didn't feel like I was sinking constantly, making the effort to tell them that I love them and why made such a huge difference. Vocalizing that I do in fact love these little crazies somehow makes it truer.
In the beginning I had such a methodical mindset. They were my job. Sometimes a tiring job and sometimes a complete shit show, wanting to run screaming from the house job. I struggled to find the love and bonding when I was on maternity leave. Weeks 6-8 were probably the hardest next to the first few days. I think I've mentioned it before, but I think I started to enjoy my kids more once I went back to work. Some people may judge me for that, but having a job to focus on, and my kids not being that job, makes them feel like more of a reward after a day of work than being the work...if that makes any sense. Hang in there, requiressnacks.
I took longer to bond with L than with G. G was more needy in the early days, and L was easygoing, so I found myself leaving her in the swing or bouncer more because she was content while I tended to G. Then cue huuuge mom guilt when the pedi mentioned that the back of her head had a flat spot at her 2 month well visit. If I only had one kid, she wouldn't have a flat spot. I've failed her. Etc. For feedings, DH took her more often because she was easier. Anyway. We eventually got to a time where they were both manageable, and she and I have developed a relationship that is so dear.
As time passes, the smiles and interaction go a long way. I feel like I "know" them now, and it's awesome. Trust that there are still rough days, but it gets so, so much better.
I could probably keep rambling on and on. But basically what I want to say is that you are not alone. We are all here for you!! Brighter days are ahead!
ETA: formatting to make that ramble more readable.
aydee , I do think BFing would have helped form the bond sooner. (This entire topic is a source of agony and guilt for me) I love how I can share the burden of bottle feeding with others, but it may have delayed the connection a bit.
I honestly don't know how much of a difference breastfeeding made with the bond, with the exception that I always ended up feeding DS because I was the only one who could, whereas DD would take a bottle from anyone. So I spent more time with DS, but I think the bond was just the same as if I spent that same time feeding him a bottle. Does that make sense? It was more about the time and less about the method of feeding.
Truth be told, breastfeeding nearly caused me to lose my sanity. I struggled with it in so many ways on top of the difficulty of parenting newborn twins. I think I would have been much better off emotionally if I hadn't done it with my twins and that I probably would have been a better parent to both of them.
Don't beat yourself up about your decision to bottle feed (easier said than done, I know). I now have an amazing bond with my bottle fed DD. What matters is that your kids are fed and healthy!
aydee, I do think BFing would have helped form the bond sooner. (This entire topic is a source of agony and guilt for me) I love how I can share the burden of bottle feeding with others, but it may have delayed the connection a bit.
BFing made me miserable, so I decided it was best for everyone if I was less unhappy and had more time to take care of the babies instead of pumping. I even had something like a gallon or two of BM in the fridge that MH had to dump because we were afraid to use it since the bsbies seemed to tolerate formula better. I nearly cried every time I saw it, so I begged MH to get rid of it when I wasn't around.
Tl;dr: The benefits of BFing don't always outweigh the burden.
Post by fightersince83 on Jan 10, 2017 0:41:59 GMT -5
I worry about this with my triplets. Just don't push PPD off your radar, I've had so many friends say I didn't realize it until x months later but I guess I was going through PPD. I don't say that to invalidate the totally valid feels you're having. I've just heard so many people realize what they were going through much later. I've read it's much more common with multiples and it's a concern that I have for myself once these boys are here.
That being said, the newborn stage is rough. There is so much "take" on the babies part (now times that by two) and no real give. My baby first smiled at me at 8 weeks and that was the first moment that I felt like this might become a reciprocal relationship. Like I'm exhausted and could use a break, but your smile just made me forget that right now and it feels worth it. There are so many milestones they will be hitting and each one felt like we were getting more out of the relationship. First smiles, first laughs, first time reaching for you. So many small firsts that will feel rewarding.
Post by fightersince83 on Jan 10, 2017 0:55:18 GMT -5
requiressnacks don't beat yourself up about BF. I honestly found it to be stressful and ended up EP'ing for my own sanity. The nurses and lactation consultant had recommended this huge production of pumping then attempting to BF then offering formula to supplement each time and the whole ordeal took so long that I barely got more than 30 mins to try to sleep in between before I had to pump before the next feeding again. It was F'ing exhausting and DD didn't take right to BFing and it just felt stressful and not fun for both of us. Plus ow for my nips. A week or so into being home I took a minute and asked myself why am I doing this? I realized I'd feel so much better if I only worried about pumping and supplementing. It saved me a lot of sleep and stress
Post by requiressnacks on Jan 10, 2017 9:03:56 GMT -5
nomnom, fightersince83....my BFing experience was a combo of yours. With one baby in the NICU and another baby at home, the LC wanted me BFing DD, supplementing with formula and then pumping for DS (oh, and delivering it to the NICU in my spare time). The whole thing was so overwhelming and there was *literally* no time scheduled for sleeping. So I EP'd for 4 weeks and eventually quit.
Now, 8 weeks later I feel I could have tried a little harder. But, I'm also not sleep deprived and trying to figure out life with newborns. If I could start BFing NOW, I probably would.
Post by requiressnacks on Jan 10, 2017 9:14:23 GMT -5
fightersince83, I just started getting a couple smiles here and there, which finally does make me feel like this is a reciprocal relationship! (good way to put it!) There's so much take in the beginning and no give. And it always the squeaky wheel getting the grease. (in my case DS is the squeaky one, when it comes to feeding)
I hope you figure this out with the triplets. Certainly going to be a challenge for you. Then you can LOL and roll your eyes at all us twin moms complaining.
Post by requiressnacks on Jan 10, 2017 13:32:55 GMT -5
pbandj714, I forgot to respond this morning but I can totally relate to the job thing! I compartmentalize my day into all the things I need to get done and there wasn't much down time.
Going back to work is going to be stressful for me, but I welcome the opportunity to leave the house, talk to adults and get a change of scenery.
Also, this time at home gives me a new found respect for SAHMs and underpaid daycare workers.
Just wanted to add to the support. I had what I consider a high maintenance kiddo the first time around. I used to count down the minutes until DH got home from work and there were a few days I just up and left for a bit when he would get home so I didn't go nuts. Infants are a JOB. The memories of this time are now vague (thank god) and I cant imagine loving a human more than I love my daughter. But as an infant I can remember thinking that I totally understood shaken baby syndrome and didn't judge the moms that did this as hard as I once had. That's TERRIBLE and I know that. But I remember one day as she was screaming, and screaming, and screaming some more, that I got it. I got how some moms might crack. My only advice is to be real with your feelings as silly as you might think they are. It might not be PPD but the hormonal fluctuations are real and need to be acknowledged I think. Whenever I felt sad or angry or whatever the heck else, I made sure I talked about it to someone. Just to get it out there and clear my mind. Dont dismiss any emotions as "silly" or "irrational".
Post by requiressnacks on Mar 17, 2017 9:33:30 GMT -5
I am bumping my own thread to let you ladies know that at 4+ months, I am doing much better now and I definitely feel the parental bond that I was anticipating. For some reason it kicked in when I went back to work. They are STTN now, I am feeling a lot more balanced between baby time and "me" time and I have an opportunity to miss them. I pick them up at daycare and the sight of them immediately makes me happy. Like, "Hey humans that I've created, I love you so much!"
It was a long road to get here, but I am so happy now. Thanks again for all of the kind words and support.
PS. and if any new POMs aren't feeling that instant bond, know that you are not alone. Newborn twins are hard AF.
I am bumping my own thread to let you ladies know that at 4+ months, I am doing much better now and I definitely feel the parental bond that I was anticipating. For some reason it kicked in when I went back to work. They are STTN now, I am feeling a lot more balanced between baby time and "me" time and I have an opportunity to miss them. I pick them up at daycare and the sight of them immediately makes me happy. Like, "Hey humans that I've created, I love you so much!"
It was a long road to get here, but I am so happy now. Thanks again for all of the kind words and support.
PS. and if any new POMs aren't feeling that instant bond, know that you are not alone. Newborn twins are hard AF.
I am bumping my own thread to let you ladies know that at 4+ months, I am doing much better now and I definitely feel the parental bond that I was anticipating. For some reason it kicked in when I went back to work. They are STTN now, I am feeling a lot more balanced between baby time and "me" time and I have an opportunity to miss them. I pick them up at daycare and the sight of them immediately makes me happy. Like, "Hey humans that I've created, I love you so much!"
It was a long road to get here, but I am so happy now. Thanks again for all of the kind words and support.
PS. and if any new POMs aren't feeling that instant bond, know that you are not alone. Newborn twins are hard AF.
Putting my kids in daycare helped me too. I think the early lack of connection makes adjusting to parenthood even harder. Regaining some of my old life and finding accomplishment outside of keeping babies alive gave me some sense that they hadn't completely usurped my life.
Then Comes Family, LLC is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising
program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.