Intro- very early, but I'm freaking out

[lucylou]

Hello. I think I'm jumping the gun here posting on this board, but I could really use some hair pats from BTDT moms. Warning: this is going to be a novel.

I have a 2.5 yo DS and my H and I were thrilled to find out I am pregnant again (very planned and wanted). I'm only 5+2, but was having a lot of cramping in my side so the doctor had me come in yesterday for an early scan to rule out an ectopic.

The first tech couldn't find a sac in the uterus, but saw something on my ovary that she thought could be an ectopic. She brought in a more experienced tech who thinks that was a cyst on my ovary and she found not one, but two, gestational sacs. It was such an emotional roller coaster.
She let it be known that since it's too early to see yolk sac/fetal pole/heartbeat that this isn't a sure thing, but I'm still freaking out.

There is not one part of me that wants twins. Aside from the "oh shit, I can't handle 2 newborns/2 toddlers, etc," my main concern is DS who will have just turned 3 when they're born. He's a great kid, but I SAH with him. We are very much into our routine and he's used to having me to himself at all times. I felt confident working another baby into the family and making the adjustment smooth. But that all just went out the window. I'm scared I won't have enough time for him. Especially if I ever want to sleep again. I'm also worried as they get older he'll feel like the "odd man out" since everyone knows twins have such a close special bond.
I'm an only child and hated it. I was so excited to give him a sibling that he could be close with. Now I feel like it all backfired and he's going to feel worse being left out, ignored, etc. These pregnancy hormones aren't helping anything.


Other concerns the more thought I've given it- even though I wanted 3 kids, I wanted to be able to take my time and enjoy each one. Now I feel like I'm getting robbed of an entire newborn period (which I loved). Two, really. I won't even get to enjoy this one. It will be such a blur. I also didn't want this to be my last pregnancy. I feel cheated out of a few more years before an empty nest since both will likely leave for college at the same time (I told you I'm going crazy). I know I should be greatful. 2 babies are better than no babies. This just isn't how I wanted our family to be. I feel like it's ruined now.

I really hope this doesn't come out sounding insulting. Me listing everything bad I can think of about multiples. I'm just assuming people feel different when they get to the other side and I could really stand to hear that right now.

TL;DR: tell me it will be ok with twins and a 3yo

ETA: forgot to mention, I had high blood pressure and was on bed rest for a month with my first pregnancy. I gained a ton of weight and had a lot of swelling. Physically, I feel like twins might do me in.

[mc13]

It will all be ok! My oldest was 19 months when our spontaneous/total surprise twins were born (now 24 months and almost 5 months). I also SAH and had a lot of the same feelings. I cried a lot during my pregnancy. I worried about every single little thing. Heck, I had never even been away overnight from DD1 until the night I had the babies. But, we're now almost 5 months in and I literally could not even imagine my life any different. These babies will fit right into the space in your heart and lives that you didn't even know was empty. Yes, it's crazy and busy and sometimes you feel really spread thin over the kids but we make it work. DH takes the babies some weekend mornings and her and I get to go out together. And sometimes he does the same with her. We're trying really hard to give each girl special time with each of us and it would be even easier if you had family nearby to help. Both of our families are 5-6 hours away but we're still surviving and even starting to enjoy them all.

[lastkiss]

First, take some deep breaths.

Second, I think it's normal to feel what you're feeling. It's a huge change to your plans but you have 9 months to get used to it and plan for it.

You'll figure out how to make it work. And you'll figure out how to make sure your DS doesn't get the short end of the stick for too long.

[twobananas]

You'll be ok! My husband is a twin and he is a lot closer with his older brother than his twin... try not to worry too much about how your family dynamic will end up, maybe they'll all be super close!

[bocaburger]

Deep breaths! I freaked out when we found out it was twins. I think that's normal. We did IVF and actually only transferred one embryo specifically because I was not comfortable with the idea of twins. We live in a 440 Sq ft apartment, we were already in debt, and I had to drop out of school when I got pregnant. None of that matters now because they are the biggest blessing and I could never imagine my life without either of them.

I'm not saying it won't be hard, because it will. Twins are logistically much more challenging than singletons. But you will figure it out! And you have the advantage of having raised one baby already, so you won't be learning everything as you go.

I can't speak to the older sibling because this was my first pregnancy, so paging richzep and dke2010.

In terms of the pregnancy itself: take care of your body. Do not push yourself harder than you need. I had a remarkably easy pregnancy for twins, much of which I attribute to prioritizing self-care (and having a husband who did the same).

TL;DR: Everything will be ok!

[richzep]

My exact thoughts when I found out we were having twins! And mine was planned twins, like we transferred two embryos. So I'm not sure what my shock and fear was all about. But it was very much there. My son was almost 20 months old when they were born. No help from anyone but me and dh. I'm a sahm as well.

DS went through all sorts of phases but looking back, I feel like they were a result of his age more than the fact that he had siblings. I just blamed it on that because I didn't know better.

He ignored them in the beginning. Then he loved them. Then hated them. Now loves them. I think it's pretty typical. At least that's what I tell myself.

The twins are 17 months and my son just turned 3. We're all home. Nobody is in preschool so there are damn difficult days and seriously awesome days.

If one twin is in a mood, then my oldest can play with the other. One likes books so they "read" together and the other likes trucks so they play with trucks together. He's developed a different bond with each twin and it's so sweet to see.

As a matter of fact, were the same way. There is such a strong bond with all three kids. I don't feel like I missed out on any part of their infancy. In fact I remember every freakin diaper change and middle of the night scream fest. I cherished each and every cuddle because my daughter wouldn't ever get the hell off of me (till today) and my son was pretty chill and preferred his swing over me anyway.

It all worked out and I absolutely love our family dynamic. Do I wish I could have had three pregnancies? Yes. But the third wasn't a guarantee anyway so I feel like I got a bonus kid out of it. Do I wish they were more spread out in age? Yes and no. Yes for the sake of making my life a bit easier. And no because they're going to grow up together and hopefully have a strong connection and friendship.

It's going to be fine because this is what's meant to be.
Some pictures of my trio showing their awesome bond (in my opinion). Lol.

[bocaburger]

richzep I'm obsessed with those pictures!!!

[richzep]

bocaburger thank you! seriously, each month gets better than the last. I never thought I was going to like having twins so much but it really is awesome.

[lucylou]

Jan 21, 2017 17:04:42 GMT -5 twobananas said:

You'll be ok! My husband is a twin and he is a lot closer with his older brother than his twin... try not to worry too much about how your family dynamic will end up, maybe they'll all be super close!

This seriously makes me feel a lot better. Thank you for sharing

[lucylou]

Thank you ladies so much. I'm feeling a little better tonight. I wrote my OP during a 5am insomnia/freak-out session.
It makes me feel better to know a lot of you felt the same way and I'm not just some awful person.
I'm going to try to take it one day at a time until the next ultrasound. I may be getting way ahead of myself (although there was no denying there were 2 gestational sacs).
Thank you all for sharing with me.

richzep your pictures are precious!!

[bocaburger]

Jan 21, 2017 22:48:23 GMT -5 lucylou said:

Thank you ladies so much. I'm feeling a little better tonight. I wrote my OP during a 5am insomnia/freak-out session.
It makes me feel better to know a lot of you felt the same way and I'm not just some awful person.
I'm going to try to take it one day at a time until the next ultrasound. I may be getting way ahead of myself (although there was no denying there were 2 gestational sacs).
Thank you all for sharing with me.

richzep your pictures are precious!!

You are definitely not an awful person! That first day when we told our families, I wanted to punch anyone who said "congratulations". By the time we got to our next ultrasound (a week later) I had calmed down enough to at least enjoy hearing both heartbeats. By the time we started with our MFM (10 weeks), I was still a little shell-shocked but beginning to get excited. And by second tri I was nervous but thrilled. This is my 3am rambling way of saying, it's a process, and that's ok.

[lucylou]

Thank you bocaburger!

[dke2010]

My advice would be to take things one day at a time and try to stay positive. Twin pregnancy is definitely challenging, but you can do it!
My husband and I went through fertility treatments but we were told there was a very low chance of multiples because I only had one mature egg when we did the IUI. When I got pregnant, my first ultrasound only showed one heartbeat. A week and a half later we got a huge shock when we saw two heartbeats. Apparently the fertilized egg split and one baby was hiding behind the other. We were thrilled about having twins but it was a major mental adjustment. It took weeks to wrap our minds around the idea.
Now, we wouldn't change a thing. Our older daughter was four when the girls were born. She has been an amazing big sister. She has experienced very little jealousy. I stay at home and it's been wonderful seeing her grow and change since her sisters have been born.

[requiressnacks]

Deep breaths....it will all be ok. The other, more experienced moms have given you great advice and anecdotes. I promise you can handle it. You got this mama!

I did chuckle a little when you said you enjoyed the newborn phase with your singleton. I have nothing to compare it to, but the newborn phase with twins is a bit challenging. But manageable if you have a good sense of humor. And some patience.

[callmeKD]

Congrats & Hang in there! We were shocked to find out I was carrying twins. We also have a 3.5 year old. It's been a tough pregnancy & I'm freaked out about what it'll be like once they are here. But there is so much support from this group.

[LydiaDeetz]

I was so shocked to see twins, that I actually fainted on the table! I'm 30 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 19 month old, so I can totally relate to what you're feeling. Sometimes I still can't believe that this is happening and get really overwhelmed. I've found the ladies on this board to be welcoming (obviously) and a wealth of information and friendship. I am also nervous about how our family dynamics will be changing in the next couple months, and I hope as time passes it will get easier for you to "deal with," for lack of a better term. ((hugs))

[schmella]

I think every PoM-to-be has a moment (or week, month, trimester, whatever) of absolute terror. You're not alone, and not a bad person- on the contrary, I think you're showing that you'll be a GREAT mom to your LO and twins. Because you care.
And I, too, giggled at the idea that someone could "enjoy" the newborn phase... but I actually know tons of parents of singletons who hated it, too, which makes me think that if you enjoy one newborn, you'll enjoy two. I don't even enjoy other people's newborns .
Deep breaths, you'll figure it out. Because you have to. And then you'll wonder why you were so worried in the first place.

[nomnom]

Re: enjoying the newborn phase...

Just today I was laughing at a video I took of both babies wailing in their seats as I got their bottles ready around 1.5 months old. I laughed then too because they were so heartfelt in their demands, but there's no way all their yelling was going to speed up making bottles. Sorry babies. :-P

Try to find the humor in it and keep your standards low. Clean, fed, rested, and loved to the best of your ability for all your kids, yourself and SO.

[lucylou]

Thank you so much for the support everyone. I'm feeling a little better each day that goes by (or at least I'm telling myself to stay calm for now).
Regarding enjoying the newborn phase- I guess I should clarify. I was definitely stressed at times. I had a great newborn who slept pretty well (at least for the first few months), but we struggled with breast feeding and I definitely had my "idk what the hell I've gotten into" moments. But looking back, those days were great, I just didn't always realize it at the time. With that under my belt, I was really looking forward to just enjoying it all this time around and being more relaxed. As soon as I heard "two," I felt like that all went out the window.

[lindy04aggie]

Breathe honey! It will all be okay! I don't have an older kiddo, just the twins, so no experience there... but you will be fine! You will adjust and figure out how to work your schedule, I'm sure of it.

As for the older sibling... maybe get him involved in helping? Maybe he can hand you diapers when you're changing them, or bring the bottles to the couch/chair when you feed them? Something small like that so he feels like he's helping and involved? Like I said, I don't have experience with it... that's just my two cents.

GL with your next appointment!

[nomnom]

lucylou It's hard to enjoy something when you are sleep deprived and feel inept. I expect that my second time around will be better since I know what to do with a newborn now, some outside stressors have at least partially subsided, and I'm committed to at least partial formula feeding to preserve my sense of self and sanity. Many MoMs manage to breastfeed, but that's just not where I want to put my energy.

[DVMmomma]

Can I confirm for you that it will all be ok once mine come out and I have the twins and an almost 3 year old who I largely stay home with? Because right now I'm with ya and often in panic mode. Though I will say, at 26 weeks, I am finally getting excited. I found out about the twins at 8 weeks though and I'm just recently having the warm and fuzzies about them so I can assure you have plenty of time to be angry, annoyed, terrified, frustrated, etc etc and you're not a bad person for it. Truthfully, two babies WAS worse than no babies for me for quite a while. We'll get through it. I think. I'm pretty sure. Yes. Yes we will.

[lucylou]

Jan 25, 2017 0:08:33 GMT -5 DVMmomma said:

Can I confirm for you that it will all be ok once mine come out and I have the twins and an almost 3 year old who I largely stay home with? Because right now I'm with ya and often in panic mode. Though I will say, at 26 weeks, I am finally getting excited. I found out about the twins at 8 weeks though and I'm just recently having the warm and fuzzies about them so I can assure you have plenty of time to be angry, annoyed, terrified, frustrated, etc etc and you're not a bad person for it. Truthfully, two babies WAS worse than no babies for me for quite a while. We'll get through it. I think. I'm pretty sure. Yes. Yes we will.

I thought about you when I first found out. I'll be really nosy to hear how your LO reacts when the babies come. I'm glad you're getting excited! I think I will too. Eventually