How Do you Handle Crazy ILs?

[Lollipop]

My BFF (B) has a 10 month old baby (C) before C was born, they had a normal relationship, MIL (L) came over when invited, did not drop by unannounced or at a moments' notice, and saw them once or twice a month. Since C was born, L is always hovering around, dropping by with little or no notice, almost always when B is home alone with C, constantly asks for "recent" pictures, and makes snotty comments like "when *I'm* watching C we're going to take her to the museum, science centre, and definitely NOT a pride parade". B has been stressing about leaving C with L since this summer because of these comments, and it's only getting worse.

L wasn't like this before C was born, but she seems weirdly obsessed with C. I have no advice because I have pretty much the opposite problem with my ILs. Any thoughts?

[dizzycooks]

Why is she leaving the baby with her? If she's not comfortable with it, I wouldnt do it. Id also be busy if I was alone and she was asking to come over. As far as taking him places, she can only do that if allowed. We don't have car seats for anyone, they stay where we put them unless otherwise planned. Obv. It's easier bc three car seats is hard to switch around, but still, we didn't allow it before either bc no one seems to get how to strap them in tight.

[scorpioscuba]

What dizzycooks said. Why is she leaving the baby with her if she is not comfortable with it? This is her child. She must be comfortable with her care provider and set clear boundaries and expectations and hold them accountable to that. If she can't do that, then she shouldn't leave her child with them. Also, 2nd the nobody is driving my baby. My H, sister and I are the only ones to drive DD around. That is it. And my sister isn't traipsing around town with her. She needs to pick up her kids from school, etc so she has a carseat for DD for when she is with her.

[Lollipop]

C is staying with L because they really have no other choice. Daycare would essentially eat up B's whole income, and they can afford to have B not work. Which is why I offered to take C if L doesn't work out. As for the car seats, I believe that the plan is for L to pick ups, and B's H will pick up. Either that or L is insisting because she doesn't want to be housebound with a toddler 5 days a week.

But isn't fully comfortable with the plan for a few reasons. One is that she's just not ready for C to be away from her, another is how obsessed L is, and L has a big dog that is poorly trained. I just don't know what to tell her.

[Lollipop]

B also agreed to L keeping C while she was still pregnant. She didn't realize how weird L was going to be with C, nor how she was going to feel about it, and now feels like she can't back out without upsetting her MIL and her H.

[dizzycooks]

I'd be finding alternate care. Or a different job with hours that would reduce the time care is needed.

[Lollipop]

That's why I offered. The job market here isn't great right now, so finding a different job isn't really an option, unless she takes a significant pay cut or changes fields completely. And almost everyone else in her circle works. It's kind of a no win situation.

I'm honestly willing to bet that I'll end up keeping C after all is said and done. Between L's weirdness and her giant untrained dog, I think that B will end up telling her H that it's not working.

[scorpioscuba]

Communication. If she has reservations or concerns she should sit down with her H first to discuss and then MIL. Discuss the concerns and set boundaries and expectations. If MIL can't or won't agree to them then she can shift care to you. Or perhaps a compromise where you have the baby a couple days a week and the MIL has a few days or something like that. But ultimately she isn't going to solve anything by venting to you. She needs to address her concerns up front now before she has to go back to work.

[crimsonandclover]

If L watches C, why does she constantly need new pictures? And why is she dropping by unannounced? I would stop that asap. It doesn't need to be rude, just, "Listen, I appreciate you wanting to stop by and see how we're doing, but sometimes I just really need some downtime with C by myself at home. Please just give me a quick call before you come over to ask if it's ok."
Or depending on the type of person B is, she could go a little more drastic/humorous with "L, sometimes I like to walk around my own home in my underwear. I don't want you just dropping by. I want to hang out in my underwear with my baby without worrying whether my MIL is going to come by unannounced."

[14joa31]

Feb 1, 2017 0:08:48 GMT -5 scorpioscuba said:

Communication. If she has reservations or concerns she should sit down with her H first to discuss and then MIL. Discuss the concerns and set boundaries and expectations. If MIL can't or won't agree to them then she can shift care to you. Or perhaps a compromise where you have the baby a couple days a week and the MIL has a few days or something like that. But ultimately she isn't going to solve anything by venting to you. She needs to address her concerns up front now before she has to go back to work.

This x 1,000. I have a whack-a-doodle MIL. But she didn't suddenly become whack-a-doodle, she always was/is. Thank God she is a nine hour drive away!!

When she crosses a line, I discuss it with DH, and then he talks to her about it. It's his mother - he needs to be the one to talk to her.

Your BFF is lucky to have you. I am so glad you offered to watch her baby so she doesn't have to deal with this bullshit. If my MIL started stopping by unannounced you bet your ass I'd move to Djbouti!

[Lollipop]

crimsonandclover L isn't watching C yet. B is still on mat leave until a couple of weeks before C's birthday, which is at the end of March.

I'm going to suggest she talk to her H again, maybe he can get his mom to back off. I would not be cool with my MIL dropping get by like that. I'm not really cool with anyone dropping by. Give me at least 2 hours notice.

[silverspoon]

Your friend needs to have her husband say something. It's his mother. He can deal with her.

I'm not really sure I can get behind the idea that MIL can't take the toddler anywhere, especially if this is indeed free childcare. I wouldn't want to be housebound with a toddler. I would buy her a carseat and install it myself.

[Lollipop]

Feb 1, 2017 13:59:16 GMT -5 silverspoon said:

Your friend needs to have her husband say something. It's his mother. He can deal with her.

I'm not really sure I can get behind the idea that MIL can't take the toddler anywhere, especially if this is indeed free childcare. I wouldn't want to be housebound with a toddler. I would buy her a carseat and install it myself.

Yeah, maybe it's just because I can't drive myself, but I just don't worry about people driving my kids around. Mostly I'm just grateful when they offer. And since I was housebound the whole time S was little, I totally get why L wouldn't want to be stuck at home all day.