I know most have moved over to Facebook but I thought if anyone was around we could discuss siblings?
Anyone thinking of that plunge yet? Is there an age gap you think would be best? Do you have plans?
For those with two or more already - how did you decide? In the same vein if you are one and done - are you sticking with that?
I have several pregnant friends and started having thoughts about when, if, etc this week. Not ready now (plus c-section, doctor recommended 1 yr) but the wheels are turning. Am I crazy? Has sleep deprivation got the best of me?
I have 2 kids - they are almost 3 years apart. I like the spacing. Goal was to have them 2.5-3 years apart, took 6 cycles to get pregnant, so I'm happy with the result.
Pros of this spacing in my opinion: -DS1 was potty trained, out of the crib, very verbal, done with all baby stuff by the time his brother was born -being 3, I'm comfortable leaving DS1 alone for a bit while I put E down for a nap, change his diaper, etc and know he will be fine. Wouldn't do that if he was much younger -the boys are still close enough in age to be friends -DS1 is old enough to be helpful, isn't too rough with the baby, gets that I have to do stuff for the baby -don't need a double stroller
Cons -3 year olds can be crazy emotionally. They can be scary. All of the positives I listed above can be thrown out the window on a dime. 3 is a tough age so it has been a struggle dealing with DS1 on little sleep at times.
ETA: Regardless of spacing, in my opinion, having 2 is really hard. It's been a big adjustment, and I've had many moments of what have we done? But I remind myself that I didn't have 2 kids to have a 3 year old and baby. I had 2 kids so one day they can be friends and play together while I watch. I'm looking forward to like 10 and 7. And we are 100% done with kids.
My July baby is the sibling. My kids are 2 years, 2 months apart. I didn't want two babies at the same time, but we didn't want to wait much longer because I'm older, we didn't know how long it would take to get pregnant, and we wanted to leave the door open for a third.
Dd was a pretty easy baby and is an easy toddler, helpful, loves her brother, and she's generally really well behaved. Ds has not been an easy baby and the transition to two has been rough at times - not sure what it would be like if dd weren't so easy going. Like rungirlrun I'm comfortable leaving her alone or asking her to play in another room if I'm feeding ds or putting him down for nap.
The biggest challenge has been feeling like I'm balancing my time and attention between them. Ds needed to be held pretty much constantly for the first 3 months, and he's still really needy at times. It makes it hard to play with and do things for dd sometimes. Other times the baby has to be left to scream so I can do something for dd, or he gets dragged along somewhere because I need to get dd time out of the house. Some days I feel like we've barely made it through and I didn't do well for either of them. There's also very little down time for me.
On the plus side, we do have some great days, and the kids really enjoy each other. I'm looking forward to them being able to play together more, and to having adventures with two toddlers when we're out of the baby phase.
At this time there are no plans for a 3rd. Maybe if ds grows up a bit and I forget what his infancy has been like I'll get baby fever, but right now I feel like we're complete, and I have no desire to start again with a new baby.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Feb 5, 2017 13:52:17 GMT -5
My July baby is also the younger sibling. They are about four years apart. He was a very big surprise after a long time trying for DD the first time. We were happy being OAD as I had a very traumatic birth and tons of PPA with her. But after the shock wore off, we were thrilled.
There are many great benefits to the four year gap: wiping only one ass at a time and not buying diapers for two, big sibling being in preschool and having their own emerging life, never paying two college tuitions at once. My niece and nephew have a four year gap and they still play together and they're close at 5 and 9.
I also understand why people choose closer. You're already in the thick of it, so why not press through and get all the baby parts over with. I think the difficulty of child #1 matters. Some kids are tougher to parent. My daughter hardly slept for 18 months and I was a ghost of a person. When people asked about a second, I sort of whimpered, recoiled, and snorted all at once.
My second is an easy baby. Only now do I understand how people have babies close together. He is a delight and I could do it again now. But we're are very much finished at two.
We're done. Mine are 4 years, 2 months apart. It was not by choice as it took nearly 2 years to conceive our July baby. Pretty much everything she said ^ the big kid is so independent (dresses herself, brushes her own teeth, can get her own snacks, independent with the potty, can buckle her own car seat) which makes it SO much easier not having to do all of the physical things for 2 kids. She's also in preschool so she gets a break from all things baby, and I get a break from her. Emotionally, she is needy and clingy, plus has a huge drama queen personality, so that part is hard and I'm not sure if it'd be better or worse at another age. Honestly, dealing with her behavior has been the hardest part of having two.
Also on the pro side of a bigger age gap, I just love being a mom to babies and toddlers, so it's been nice to spread it out more so I get to enjoy it
On the con side, it feels like it'll be an eternity before we can do activities together as a family. At 3.5 we were starting to take DD1 to the movie theater as a family, went to Disney World, Six Flags, and were considering some other vacations. Now we are back to not doing stuff again (or splitting up, with H taking her to the movies and me staying home with the baby), scheduling stuff around naps, etc. To me, getting to do more activities as a family a huge pro to having them closer together.
I think the siblings closeness stuff is a total crapshoot and not worth worrying about. Everyone has an anecdote about how they and their sibling were x-years apart and it caused them to be super close BFFs/hate each other for 18 years and IMO it is entirely dependent on the individuals, not the age gap.
My July baby is also the youngest. We always wanted 2 or 3 kids. We didn't feel ready to start trying for a sibling until DD1 was 18 months. Then we had recurrent losses and secondary infertility and didn't get pregnant with DD2 until DD1 was almost 4. The age gap has been better than I expected because DD1 is more independent and understanding of the baby's needs. We may go for a 3rd but it won't be for a while. We do have frosties from IVF but I am nowhere near ready to go through that process again anytime soon.
Thanks for sharing all your experiences. Especially STMs who have been there, done that.
I'm 6 and 10 years older than my sisters and DH is 4 years younger than his brother. We have no experience with a small age gap and the codependency of two little ones scare me! Especially considering this one doesn't sleep and can be pretty needy at times (what is independent play?)
My BFF brought this up the other day actually. We had our babies 1 month 1 day apart. She mentioned they were gearing up to TTC again and if we were too. I was like NOOOOOO nope nope nope. Lol I am so not ready to be pregnant again. I absolutely loved my pregnancy, but birth was a lot more traumatic than I was expecting and I'm still really struggling with how my body was ruined (in my eyes). If I could, (we are probably like 99% sure done - DH has no interest in another) I'd like to TTC again in a couple years and have a 3 or 4yr age gap.
Fwiw my step sons are two years apart. They are 10&12 and play together all the time and can amuse themselves. That being said, although I've been with DH since they were 1.5&3.5, I never had to full time parent that age gap so I've got no wisdom to share there.
The large age gap between DHs kids and F is interesting. They'll never be super close I'm sure due to age and the fact that DHs ex has custody. But they absolutely dote on him and like trying to teach him things and kiss him etc when they are with us. I can deal with baby while they make themselves breakfast or go out and play at the neighbours or whatever.
We are most likely going to try once HK turns one. I'm not old but not a spring chicken either. One more and we are done so we decided to do them close together. I'm having mixed emotions since I'm so obsessed with HK but from everyone on here I think I'll be fine.
Married my rock - 04/29/2011 BFP - 06/04/2011; Super T born @ 37 weeks - 01/13/2012 Super T earned his angel wings after losing his battle with Stage IV high risk Neuroblastoma - 01/03/2014
BFP # 2 - Chemical Pregnancy confirmed 05/29/15 Diagnosed with PCOS After 1 cycle of Clomid and 2 cycles of Femara - BFP #3 - 11/10/2015 Sweet Baby Girl born 07/08/16
Post by jewelsofthenile on Feb 5, 2017 23:41:34 GMT -5
My July baby and his big sister are 2 years and 3 weeks apart. She was really thrown for a loop when little brother was born. She was a more high maintenence baby than he was/ is. Potty training got derailed by the new baby but 6 months later its coming along.
If we do have a third we won't start trying until Ds is close to 2. I want a little longer gap if there is a next time.
My husband and I don't want to have any regrets. Sometimes we slip up and say something about W having a sibling.
We really thought we were one and done.
In a 3 months. We will start trying again for a year. This time no temping, peeing on sticks, or fertility meds. Just the old fashioned way. For one year and then DH will be snipped. Trying so soon again is because DH is really worried about being over 40 and a father again.
Long story short: We will soon try for #2 for one year. Most likely we will still end up one and done.
B is our second, and they are exactly 2.5 years apart.
I got pregnant when he was 21 months old, he was still nursing and I didn't wean him until he was 2.
I had always thought I wanted them SSUUUUPER close in age, but DS1 didn't sleep well (shocker right? Lol).
Once I night weaned him and he started STTN (around 18 months), we started trying. It took about 4 months to get KU even though I was still nursing during the day.
I love the age gap they have. It was tough at first, but everyone is adjusted and doing really well.
My July baby is the youngest. They are just under 23 months apart. I didn't want a huge age gap for my kids. There is never a perfect time to have a kid, or another kid.
H works 12 hour night shifts so I am alone with the kids more often than not. The most difficult part is trying to give each kid enough attention so that they are content for a little bit. I don't get any time to myself, and I am okay with that. I knew that happen lol.
I didn't want to have DS (older child) get too far out of the 'baby/toddler' stage that when we did have another kid I would have a hard time adjusting back to life with a newborn. I would like to have a third child, but I would most likely wait until DD (July baby) is 2 to start trying.
I got pregnant a few months after DS turned 1, so he was just starting to get comfortable walking. By the time my belly was pretty big DS would only run, and take off any time his feet touched the ground. It was pretty comical trying to chase him (waddle) down the block.
DD was not planned & we were very young. She was a very difficult baby. I had PPD/PPA so so SO bad. Me & H both had super crazy work schedules. I couldn't even think about the idea of a second. Then when DD was around 4 and the newborn & toddler stage was behind us, I felt comfortable adding a 2nd one to the mix. I was thinking at that point we'd have a 5 year gap but 2 losses (the 2nd one being complicated & benching us for almost a year!) gave us the 7 year gap.
I love it. DD adores the baby & is so helpful with him, and independent enough that I can let her do her thing when I need to focus on E. Luckily he is a super chill baby for the most part, if she'd been this way we'd probably have done a 2-3 year gap.
Number One: Born 06.16.2009 BFP: 01.17.2014 / MC 02.05.2014 BFP: 03.08.2014 / MMC: 05.07.2014 Dx: Partial Molar/GTD. Benched until 01.2015 Number Two: Born 07.22.2016
Post by littlesthobo on Feb 6, 2017 8:09:24 GMT -5
L is my second. DH and I knew we wanted a second, but were on the fence about a two-year or three-year age gap. Then my sister called to tell me she was getting married in 2017 and since I didn't want to be pregnant for that, we went for the two-year gap! Luckily we got pregnant first try. Bonus is that I'll be on mat leave (one year in Canada) I don't have to fight for time off work for the wedding!
The first 4/5 months with L were hard. It was a lot of transition for DS1: new room, big boy bed, new baby! He was acting out a lot and I was exhausted. Keeping him in daycare 2 days/week helped. Now that L is on a good schedule and sleeping well, and DS1 is a little older, things are better. I can already tell that they will be friends
icaughtfire L turned 7 in January I think we are. It's neck and neck for largest age gap!
cavewmn I can understand not wanting to temp it get stressed about it. I wish you all the luck and sticky ute vibes.
This is kind of a sore subject for me so I will try to keep my response fairly brief.
We wanted to have about a 3 year age gap between kids. We didn't want 2 in diapers and we wanted the first to be pretty independent before trying for #2. So when all of our criteria had been met DS1 was 2.5 that's when we started trying. 4 years of losses and IF treatments later and we now have a 7 year old and a 6 month old.
This is not what we planned at all. However, with that being said DS1 is a great big brother and I love that he can reach over and help S with his pacifier or his toys in the car. DS1 can watch S for short bursts of time if I have to pee or put in a load of laundry. It's nice to have a sibling that is old enough to do those things. It is also hard though because of other factors but that's another conversation.
2 kids is hard no matter how you slice it and it's an adjustment even with a large age gap.
Hugs sarcaztic10. Age gaps were/are tough for me too. I try to just think of the positives now but we so wanted 2.5-3 years apart at most. We'll never know what that's like now and although I know it could be hard I sort of mourn that lost idea.
Wishing you luck cavewmn! I think that's a good plan.
My DD is 22 months younger than her big brother. I always knew that if I wanted kids that I would want 2 and we are donedoneDONE now. I also knew that I wanted them close together in age, which was especially reinforced after DS was born that I wanted to get all the newborn stuff over and done with. I was ready to start trying when DS was about 10 months old. It took us about 6 months to get pregnant and I am really pleased with how things are working out. It is not easy by any means, but I am looking forward to them being (hopefully) close as they get older. DS is not helpful in any way, shape or form, but I really didnt want to put off having another waiting for that to change.
Sam is our first. Our talk about having another baby has consisted of "we'll talk about it when Sam turns two." I always knew I wanted to wait a couple years between kids so that each one could have a chance to be the baby and the older one would be (hopefully) out of diapers. Plus we'll be moving back to CT most likely spring/summer 2018 and are hoping to buy a home soon after, so I want to wait until we're back there to have the second. Before Sam came my H wanted 3 kids and wanted them back to back (which I laughed at and said HELL NO) and now he's come back down to earth and is fine with waiting a couple years before starting to try. I really didn't enjoy pregnancy so I'm not exactly counting down the days, which helps!
Post by tikoberry99 on Feb 6, 2017 14:16:49 GMT -5
Great post mcktymck! We are planning to transfer our last embryo when M is 1.5 yrs old, but will be trying on our own "just in case."
I want the boys close in age and if the second transfer doesn't work I'll still be a decent age for fertility treatments if we start trying for another soon.
Judging by my questions and post we have no clue what our plans are. Maybe when I'm not sleep deprived we can have a serious discussion.
Everyones unique experiences gave me a lot to consider.
cavewmnjenn83 good luck TTC! I'm not looking forward to temping opks and that jazz.
mcktymck I did not enjoy pregnancy either and that's definitely a consideration when thinking about our number (as well as having more c-sections blah)
Mine are 3.5 years apart and it is fabulous. DD1 is so nurturing to her baby sister and she is a great helper. Like, she is an actual help. She'll fetch pacis, diapers, she will entertain the baby while I leave the room for a minute, etc. DD1 had been potty trained for over a year already, including night trained, so I didn't have to worry about regression. Honestly, I can sing the praises about our age gap all day. If we have a third, which is probably 50/50, I'd want at least 2.5 years between them. The self sufficiency is just so worth it to me.
@comicsans - emergency (deceleration). I'm happy to hear there's s difference. It wasn't great but I just wanted us both to go home safely so I had not given it much thought prior too.
Most of my fear comes from my mom having 3 which ended with a lot of scar tissue and a hysterectomy.
Post by madamewaffles on Feb 7, 2017 21:15:09 GMT -5
Well A technically has 7 siblings on ice, all conceived on the same day, lol. I was not anticipating having that many embryos at all. We are 97.9% OAD but there is still a sliver of "maybe" in MH and I. So we keep paying the storage fee every year and will until we have closed the door completely. But if we did decide to add to our family, I can't see doing it before A turns at least 3-4.
@comicsans - emergency (deceleration). I'm happy to hear there's s difference. It wasn't great but I just wanted us both to go home safely so I had not given it much thought prior too.
Most of my fear comes from my mom having 3 which ended with a lot of scar tissue and a hysterectomy.
That's exactly why I had a c-section with my first, and I was not at all prepared, but like you just wanted my baby safely in my arms.
Would vbac be an option for you? I had wanted to try with my July baby but he was determined to never come out so we had to go in and get him. My first recovery wasn't bad, but I think the second was easier because I was well rested and my spinal block wore off quickly and I was able to get up and get moving sooner. May depend on how you heal and how good your ob is, but it seems like csections have come so far now, your experience should be better than your mom's. Guess you've got time to not worry about it though.
koritto I hear you on not looking forward to opks, temping, scheduled sex, all that stress when the time comes to try for a second. I think when we decide to start trying I'd like to avoid all of those things for the first few months and just see where it gets us. Although I say that now and knowing me, once the time actually comes I'll be peeing on all the opks and just as gung-ho as I was with the first baby haha
comicSans when I brought up a vbac with my OB she seemed less than thrilled with the idea. I will need to discuss this with her if and when the time comes. Her reaction was very different than I expected. I know I would like to avoid at 19 hour labor that ended with a csection which was part of my recovery problems. Cart before horse much huh?
mcktymckrungirlrun with Vi we planned to NTNP. That lasted 1 cycle and then I needed ALL the data. My thermometer can keep on collecting dust.
comicSans when I brought up a vbac with my OB she seemed less than thrilled with the idea. I will need to discuss this with her if and when the time comes. Her reaction was very different than I expected. I know I would like to avoid at 19 hour labor that ended with a csection which was part of my recovery problems. Cart before horse much huh?
mcktymckrungirlrun with Vi we planned to NTNP. That lasted 1 cycle and then I needed ALL the data. My thermometer can keep on collecting dust.
I hear you koritto. I laboured 38hrs and then had to have a Csection
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