Deciding to try again

[sandj918]

We lost our daughter 6 weeks ago. She had a fatal birth defect and it was a very difficult pregnancy physically as well as emotionally. I am terrified to ever try again. My H wants more children but not necessarily right away. I am on the fence about deciding to try again. I just can't imagine risking having to bury another child. I'm wondering what your experience was if you're willing to share.
Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? Did you try right away? How was it emotionally during the pregnancy? What, if anything, helped the anxiety and worry?
Did trying again feel like a betrayal? If you decided not to try again what led you to that decision?

[fknhostile]

I don't have any advice I'm sorry but I am in the same position/mindset right now and have similar questions. Some days I want to try again but I'm hitting a roadblock. I'll be following.

[Deleted]

Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? I didn't struggle with wanting to try, but every time I got pregnant got harder and harder.

Did you try right away? We waited three years due to circumstances after Jackson was born, but after all my other losses we went back to trying right away.

How was it emotionally during the pregnancy? I was absolutely terrified until the anatomy scan, then when that came back normal I started to ease up a bit.

What, if anything, helped the anxiety and worry? I took Klonopin when it got bad. Lots of mindfulness exercises.

Did trying again feel like a betrayal? Not at all. I still honor Jackson. We celebrate his birthday every year and now I have my Molly Bear. He's still with us. My rainbow in no way replaced him.

If you decided not to try again what led you to that decision?

[bananas22]

((Hugs)). It's been an up and down journey for us. I wanted to try as soon as possible after our loss but had some complications that delayed us. We finally are in the middle of our first IUI cycle now after our June loss, so it's been about 7 months. I didn't want to have to wait but, looking back, I feel like we are in a much better place emotionally now than we were in the fall. However, that being said, I had a hard time when we started this cycle because I felt like I was completely leaving my son behind. I have PCOS so we are doing a medicated cycle and taking those first few pills was much harder than I expected. I'm not sure yet how this cycle will turn out but I have mixed feelings on it. I want to have another child and be pregnant again but I'm terrified of another loss, especially a late term loss. So, I don't really have any advice but I can commiserate. I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose.

[shandorfml2]

Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? Yes and that is naturally. I wanted another baby ASAP but was terrified of losing another.

Did you try right away? Yes we did, as soon as I was cleared at my PP check up. We tried for a year and a half until we finally got pregnant. It was a rough 1.5 years but emotionally I was not ready for another baby until after DD's first birthday. I felt an emotional shift after that.

How was it emotionally during the pregnancy? What, if anything, helped the anxiety and worry? Yes it was difficult, won't lie. A lot of anxiety. I was monitored a lot more which was great. Saw a specialist. I was also in therapy. I am currently pregnant with my second rainbow and I am also experiencing a lot of anxiety. I will tell you though, it is all worth it in the end.

Did trying again feel like a betrayal? If you decided not to try again what led you to that decision? Not the trying again, I don't think. It was more "weird" to have a different child in my belly. We lost our DD, and had a rainbow DS. So it was a little easier for me to differentiate the two because of the different gender. This time I am having a girl, and it has been a little more difficult. However, I have always wanted a lot of children and I know that my angel would want us to try again. I fully believe she has sent us her siblings so I have no feelings of betrayal about it, just miss her.

*siggy warning

[fikafairy67]

Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? Yes, especially because we KNOW it can easily happen again due to our circumstances.

Did you try right away? We are benched until 1 year minimum (so Sept 2017) since I had a crash c-section. We are in the process of exploring options to avoid the same issue. In some ways I wish we could try now, but I need time to physically heal as well as emotionally heal too.

Did trying again feel like a betrayal? I feel like our DD would want her brother to have living sibling(s) to play with, and I think somehow she will be involved in "sending" us our rainbow(s), however they arrive to us.

It's such a hard decision to make... but for us, we still feel like our family is incomplete. It will always feel partially incomplete because Kris.tina is missing, but it's just this feeling we have.

[sandj918]

Thanks for sharing. Our daughter had anencephaly. The risk of having one child with anencephaly is around a 1 in 5000 chance. But having one child with this neural tube defect raises the risk of having another to a 2-4% chance. Of course 2-4% seems small but so did 1/5000 and we were the unlucky 1.

[iheartbroccoli]

Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? Absolutely. The innocence of pregnancy has gone, and I'm terrified of something happening again and not knowing something was wrong. I'm scared of losing another child post birth (SIDS, etc.), but I try to keep in mind the love for my child outweighs that fear.

Did you try right away? We were cleared 1-2 months after, but didn't start trying again until 6-7 months after. It was discovered Theo had an incredibly rare genetic condition that had not been reported before, so the doctors wanted to test MH and me for the same condition.

**Trigger warning**
How was it emotionally during the pregnancy? It's been so tough. I had a completely normal and healthy (by current medical knowledge) pregnancy with Theo. Every test came back normal, every scan showed he was doing just fine. You can't see lungs on an ultrasound, hence why it was never caught with him. This has made me so terrified this pregnancy--knowing there are fatal conditions that can't be caught during pregnancy, no matter how much prenatal care you have. It's been up and down, bonding and then getting fearful and withdrawing a little. There's been good and bad times.

What, if anything, helped the anxiety and worry? Walking, having friends to turn to for help, taking it one day at a time, trying to appreciate what time I have.

Did trying again feel like a betrayal? Sometimes yes. We always thought we would be "one and done", and had Theo lived we most likely wouldn't have tried for a second at all, let alone so soon after. But I remind myself that I love Theo just as much as this baby, and this one is in no way a replacement for Theo.

[peaseblossom55]

Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss?
I wanted to try again right away the need to have a living child was so strong. The triploidy they said was a fluke and would not happen again. Of course I was still so worried something would go wrong.
Did you try right away? 8 weeks later
How was it emotionally during the pregnancy? I was a mess and a loss still happened which was just shocking and devastasting.
What, if anything, helped the anxiety and worry? I took it one day at a time. I got extra monitoring through my OB and MFM. I also saw my therapist twice a month
Did trying again feel like a betrayal? If you decided not to try again what led you to that decision? No not a betrayal. I thought of it as just making her a big sister.

[professormcgonagall]

I don't have any first hand knowledge but have been thinking about it a lot lately.
For the first month after Alex died, all I could think about was getting pregnant again. But I had a c section with a classical incision and have been told to wait two years between deliveries. I am actually so grateful for this because right now I am not in a good place to be pregnant. I am still too entrenched in my grief. I am scared of another loss and feeling like I failed my husband again.
I think if it feels right, then you should go for it. But don't rush yourself

[mommytoava]

*Siggy warning*

Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? Yes and I'm still terrified. Since my daughter was 3 1/2 almost 4 when she passed, I worry everyday about my rainbow.

 Did you try right away? No, we were in no shape to start right away. It took us about 18 months to start trying again.

 How was it emotionally during the pregnancy? What, if anything, helped the anxiety and worry? The pregnancy was pretty easy.  I did have some spotting at 17 weeks which freaked me out but turned out to be nothing. 


Did trying again feel like a betrayal? It sometimes does.  I don't know if we would have had another baby if Ava was still with us though I did want one more.  She would have wanted us to have another, she had asked where her little sister was a few months before she passed. 

[aprilz81]

Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? To an extent yes. We have lost two pregnancies (one at 5 weeks and Ava at 32 weeks) so if we get pregnant again I'm not sure if I will ever be able to relax until the baby is safely in our arms (and maybe not even then). Right now the desire to get pregnant again outweighs the terror, but I'm sure that will change the minute I get a BFP.

Did you try right away? My OB said we could try again in 3-6 months. I just finished my last pack of BCP and should start my period any day and we will start TTC this cycle. I have PCOS and usually don't ovulate on my own, but I think I did the first month off of BCP when we first started (I only got dotted crosshairs) so I'm hoping I do again. If we aren't successful we we will be going back to the RE on cycle 2 (I'm 36 and saw him to get pregnant with Ava and the miscarriage). We waited three months to allow my body to recover a little more but emotionally I felt like I was ready before then.

Did trying again feel like a betrayal? I don't feel it is a betrayal yet, but that could change. We would have wanted a second child if Ava had made it so it doesn't feel weird yet. I struggle a lot with how we will manage to keep Ava's memory alive without making any new child/ren feel like a substitute. I don't want future children to be blindsided when they are older by the fact we lost their sister before she was born but I also don't want to talk about her so much that they feel like they will never live up to her memory. And yes, I realize this is putting the cart way before the horse...

[angelsnight]

***warning, rainbow mentioned***






I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Have you spoken with your OB yet about trying again? Our doctor stressed that it was up to us once she cleared me to try again from a medical standpoint (6 weeks following my daughter's stillbirth) but she recommended 6 months to a year for both physical healing (pregnancy is rough on your body, of course, regardless of the end result) and the emotional side.

Since you said you had a difficult pregnancy both physically and emotionally, speaking with your doctor first, if you haven't already might be a good idea. That being said, everyone's situations will help form when they are or are not ready. When we lost Kayla, we had already been trying and facing interfility (and one early loss as well) for a year and a half, and I was about to turn 34 so we didn't feel like we had a ton of time to wait. Had I been younger, and/or we had not experienced such troubles already, we might have been more comfortable waiting.

Also, as I mentioned we struggled with infertility and I wasn't ovulating on my own. The first two months we started trying once we were cleared to try again, I was ovulating on my own around CD18 (even the few times I did O on my own before, it was like CD60 or CD80). I don't know if it's true, but I have heard that your body is the most fertile after having a baby; and it was true for me at least, so I also felt the need to try while my body was still cooperating and we didn't know how long it would last.

So we ended up trying right away, and got pregnant with our rainbow on the second cycle. I had guilt, I still do to this day. My rainbow will be 3 next month and I feel guilty a lot, worrying that my angel will think we don't miss her now that we have our rainbow. Trying after a loss is HARD, but the best advice I received was, you'll know you're ready when the desire for another baby outweighs the fear of another loss.

Thats not to say the fear wasn't there, but it was something we were willing to risk, to hopefully get a take home baby. I can say for myself that advice was spot on, because I've struggled for the last 3 years as to whether or not we wanted to try for another baby. Sometimes (even now that we've pretty much decided MH will have a vasectomy soon) I really really wanted another, and sometimes I decided for many reasons that we were done...it all boiled down to the fact that I was not willing to go through more pain, even an early loss, to potentially get another child. I have my rainbow, that's enough for me.

There was also the issue of, would it happen again, the reason we lost our angel. In our case, I had an incompetent cervix so the chance was definitely there that it could happen again. Even with a cerclage (operation that sews the cervix shut till delivery) there was still a 20% chance of it failing and losing our baby. It was hard...had our loss been due to something that very likely wouldn't happen again, it would have been easier to some extent, but I also was terrified of ANYTHING happening, so I was scared during first tri about an early loss, I was worried about pretty much any reason under the sun, and even once our rainbow was here, I was very nervous about SIDS, I think more so than I would have been had I not experienced a loss...it was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But in the end, it was all worth it. It was hard for sure, but I never regretted trying again, not in the beginning or along the way. Having a good support system is huge, as is having a good doctor. Our OB was very caring and I knew she grieved with us when we lost our daughter, and was so happy for us when I got pregnant again. She was more than happy to have me come in to listen to the heartbeat any time I wanted, she was understanding when I called after hours freaking out about something, and when I went to OB triage twice before I was in labor. She made sure that she was the one that delivered our rainbow.

No one can tell you when and if you'll be ready, but six weeks is a very short amount of time and you're still very much in the beginning stages of your grief. It doesn't sound like you're ready right now, but give it time. You may find that you're ready again in a few months, or you may find that you never want to try again. Just try to stay as open an honest with your husband as possible so you're both on the same page.

Bug hugs to you, I'm sorry that you had to join us, but I am glad you found us.

[rosiejames]

It's been a great journey for us. We wanted to conceive as soon as possible after our miscarriage. We went for IVF but ended up in a chemical pregnancy. I did not want to give up. So, I tried hard for the success. I faced serious difficulties when I started my first cycle. We tried every possible thing. We took pills and other supplements. Nothing was working there. I wanted to have a child very badly. But there was not any chance for us to get success. But at last, we went for surrogacy and it really worked. Thanks to the clinic and the surrogate mother too. Best wishes to you!

[alicedy]

Hello. So Sad to hear that you have lost your baby. But Don't lose hope. I had three miscarriages after my marriage. Due to which I was left infertile for almost 5 years. I had no idea what to do. But then Someone told me about Surrogacy that by this method you will have your own biological baby. I chose the best clinic for that in Europe. They provided a healthy and a cooperative surrogate. Today I am a blessed mother. I suggest you go for Surrogacy without any delay. Stay blessed.

[rihannadennis]

Feb 6, 2017 11:17:00 GMT -5 sandj918 said:

We lost our daughter 6 weeks ago. She had a fatal birth defect and it was a very difficult pregnancy physically as well as emotionally. I am terrified to ever try again. My H wants more children but not necessarily right away. I am on the fence about deciding to try again. I just can't imagine risking having to bury another child. I'm wondering what your experience was if you're willing to share.
Did you struggle with wanting to try but being terrified of another loss? Did you try right away? How was it emotionally during the pregnancy? What, if anything, helped the anxiety and worry?
Did trying again feel like a betrayal? If you decided not to try again what led you to that decision?

Hi darling! I'm extremely sorry to hear that. You really deserved better! I know how a loss hits like. I've had 3 MCs in my life. So, yeah! I know. But, still, I want you to remain bold and strong. I'm still trying this year via an IVF in Kiev. This is my 6th year as a TTC since after my marriage. But, I'm not giving up. So, that's what I'd recommend you. Wish you all the best honey. xoxo KEEP TRYING!

[debra]

Life is a bumpy track. You cannot expect that everything happening will turn out to be bad. Time never stays the same. If you had some bad moments in your life, it does not mean that you will witness it again and again. There must have been some reason behind the birth defects. If everything was diagnosed and treated then there is nothing to worry. This thought should not prevent you from planning your family.

[sarahmay]

I am so sorry to hear your loss. Losing a child is difficult. I have experienced three miscarriages. Which literally had put me to a suicidal stage. But DH has been very supportive and considerate. We consulted with fertility counselor. I advise you to see one. Because constant grief does affect the ability of conceiving. And depression is fatal to your fertility. You must consult with a good RE. You would be able to find out that how much are the chances of the birth defect you may have if you tried for another. I have seen many cases, where the child has been aborted due to a birth defect and the woman convinced right after, carried to the term with a healthy pregnancy. If you are still afraid, go for gestational surrogacy. I know it is not cheap and legal but surrogacy abroad is an economical and legitimate process.

[scarlett9999]

hey dear. tears rolled down my face. it must've been so hard for you. but you know it's better you consult a doctor. there has to be some reason. saying no is also not a good option. just try taking the precautionary steps. good luck.

[lindajames998]

Hey there. I hope you are doing great. I am really sorry to hear about your problem. I know it must have hurt a lot. This is not an easy thing to do. But you should not stress your self. You should try again. It will work out. Just be strong. There is nothing wrong with trying again. I wish you good luck. Take care. Lots of prayers for you. Love.

[isabella]

I am so sorry for your condition. I know this must be so hard for you. I am so sorry for everything. I know this is hard for a woman. A woman always wanted to be a mother. But sometimes it is not easy. I have faced 10 years of infertility. It is a long time to wait. But nothing happened in my favour. So I decided to go for surrogacy. I have a baby now. I think it was the right decision I took.

[rilwa]

I am so sad for your condition. I know this must be so difficult for you. I am so sad about everything. I know this is hard for a lady. A lady wants to be a mother. now and again it is difficult. I have 40 now. I have gone for IVF after I realized that I am infertile. Nothing occurred to support me. Iw as so worried because many cycles of IVF failed in my case. I am deciding to go for surrogacy soon. I am choosing a clinic in Europe. I hope that you all will pray for me.

[alicedy]

Hey. So sad to hear. But don't lose hope. Try again. I also tried to conceive for a long time but all in vain. I had uterine polyps which made me go through Hysteroscopy. That's why I Couldn't conceive. I tried to Conceive for 4 years but all in vain. I and my Husband wanted babies badly. Then, we searched for alternatives. One of my friends suggested me to go for Surrogacy. We searched for an affordable clinic for us. We went to Europe for the clinic. Today, I am a blessed mother.

[isla28]

Hey. So sorry to hear about your friend. I know it would be so hard for her. But she shouldn't lose hope. She shoud go for Surrogacy. It's the best Unnatural method to have your own biological baby. I was a sportswoman and I had fatigue injury due to which I was left Infertile. My family was not accepting me. But my husband was supportive enough to help me out. We both wanted a baby badly. It is a great blessing for every couple to have babies. Then we went to Europe for the suggested clinic. Now i have baby and it feels great.

[alice99]

Hello darling. How are you? I hope you are well. I lost a baby once too. This has made me so terrified this pregnancy--knowing there are fatal conditions that can't be caught during pregnancy, no matter how much prenatal care you have. It's been up and down, bonding and then getting fearful and withdrawing a little. There have been good and bad times. But I will try again. Life goes on and things change. I will try again because I believe I will have a baby one day. Take care.

[rosie]

hi first of all .dont be nervous just keep calm .if at first u face loss it does not mean that second will also be a failure. if you will think good hopefully good things will happen to u. After few months of marriage, I got pregnant but lost my child due to miscarriage .i was upset. I talked to a friend of mine who is a psychologist. she asked me to be positive and after few months I tried and took the risk. now I am blessed with a beautiful kid. My wishes are with u. all will be good at the end .and now u can also go through the process of surrogacy.

[ezabel]

I can feel your words because someday I was on the same path. I was nervous, devastated. This loss is greater than anything. And no one can understand the fear we have after such loss. It is so easy for anyone to say that everything would be alright but it's not that easy. It is so difficult to move on. I know dear! Maybe you can wait for sometime. I know this loss cant to be forgotten. But memories do fade by time. For a time being just forget all the things. That you got to try again an all. Stay calm. Give yourself some time. And when you would feel like yes this is the time. Then you shall move on to that path. Good luck till then. Stay happy.

[lucyjones]

hey dear. how are you? I am so sorry for your loss. that is so devastating. tears rolled down my face. ill pray for you. but giving up is not the way. I mean take your time. but don't say no to being pregnant again. its good to have a family. go to a doctor. and take care of yourself. avoid all the things that could result in the same incident. lots of love. keep me updated. sending you baby dust.

[debra]

It is sad that you lost your most precious thing. Nothing can match the happiness of having a child. It was unfortunate that you had the joy for just six weeks. It is great that you want to try again. It is good, but you should go for the tests that can suggest the problems. It will save you from having another loss.

[alyssa]

hey there! I hope you are doing great.you should definitely try again. make sure you are healthy. I miscarried as well. and was able to conceive twice after that. it was an amazing yet painful experience. but I am really I tried and didn't give up.