Yet another wedding etiquette question

[fancynewbeesly]

My BIL is getting married. A few days ago, my future sister in law called and asked me to be in the wedding party as a bridesmaid and DD to be in the wedding as well--to accompany the flower girl who is two down the aisle. I had no issue with it. She would be a semi-flower girl. It is a church wedding so will be longer, but she can handle it. 

I was talking to my MIL today and told her and she was shocked that they asked DD to be in it, because a few weeks ago they stated no kids at the reception. (Future sister in law didn't convey that to me.) I figured if the kid is in the ceremony, they are welcome at the reception. 

I told MIL and DH if it truly is a kid free reception (which I have no problem with a kid free wedding)-then I don't want DD to be at the ceremony. I don't want to spend the money on the dress, for her to sit through a LONG Church wedding, and then rush out of the ceremony to drive her to a friends house to stay over--especially since we will both be in the wedding and I am assuming pictures and everything. And she would probably disappointed to leave all her family and aunts and uncles, etc. 

Should I have DH talk to his brother about it and see what is actually going on? Is it odd for kids to be in the wedding party but not at the reception? 

[grumpycakes]

IME, the children in the ceremomy are welcome at the reception. It still kind of stinks, though, because you're the only parent wrangling your kid while everyone else is at cocktail hour.

[helenahhandbasket]

Yes, definitely have your H clarify.

But most kid free weddings make exceptions for any kids in the bridal party.

My wedding is kid free but my kid who is the flower girl and my best friend's son who is the ring bearer are both coming to the reception.

[erinkay]

I don't get the semi-flower girl thing. She wears a dress, walks down the aisle, appears in pictures I assume. What else would you call that?

[robotpcr]

Etiquette rules say they should be invited to the reception if they're in the wedding party, even if no other kids are. I would decline for my DD if she wasn't invited to the reception. It feels like making them a little bit prop-like to me.

[fancynewbeesly]

Feb 13, 2017 21:03:29 GMT -5 erinkay said:

I don't get the semi-flower girl thing. She wears a dress, walks down the aisle, appears in pictures I assume. What else would you call that?

So bizarre. Pretty much "assistant to the flower girl"---the flower girl is her two year old niece. I think BIL and future SIL were thinking that since DH and I are both in the wedding, it would be easier for her to be in the wedding. So she would walk with "the official flower girl"-holding flowers. I think it is incase the flower girl refuses to do it....sort of a back up because the actual flower girl is 2 years old.

[akraus2015]

I would just ask and see what they prefer. I had a kid-free wedding and reception, with the exception of the flower girl (my niece), my teenage niece, and the ring bearer. I gave no fucks about allowing those three kids and no one else's.

[fancynewbeesly]

Feb 13, 2017 21:09:16 GMT -5 @ismellbooks said:

I'm more offended that she's treating and talking about your DD as a fallback plan. Gee thanks.

She definitely didn't communicate her as a fallback plan. That was me word vomiting  

She did say she would walk with the flower girl holding her hand down the aisle and carrying flowers. 

[regal]

This is weird. You can have two flower girls.

My boys were ring-bearers at my cousins wedding. They were the only kids at the reception and it was weird since my niece and nephew weren't invited.

I don't know what I've added to this discussion, but, anecdote....

[erinkay]

Feb 13, 2017 21:11:13 GMT -5 fancynewbeesly said:

Feb 13, 2017 21:09:16 GMT -5 @ismellbooks said:

I'm more offended that she's treating and talking about your DD as a fallback plan. Gee thanks.

She definitely didn't communicate her as a fallback plan. That was me word vomiting  

She did say she would walk with the flower girl holding her hand down the aisle and carrying flowers. 

This role is known as "flower girl."

This is icky.

[briarrose]

I agree with the others who said have your H get the clarification. I totally understand where you are coming from, and I would want/need to know too.

[nymama917]

I feel like maybe they are saying assistant to the flower girl because they are worried she is too old tocwant to be the flower girl? That's how I read it. Like a bigger girl role because she gets to help the little one. I don't think I would be upset about that party. I do think she would be invited to the reception and if not that would be weird. It's one thing to have her come for a bit and arrange to have her picked up if it's a super late reception but not invited at all seems weird. If this were my MIL she would say the same thing and when we clarified my BIL would say of course she's invited just no other kids. I can totally see that exact thing happening to us actually. Have you husband clarify with his brother.

[ShtsNGiggles]

Have your H ask his brother if she's invited to the reception. If not, I'd decline so you can enjoy a kid free night.

I get why you're calling her an assistant flower girl since she's older. Maybe junior bridesmaid would be a better term? But either way, she's going to have fun.

[rvasc]

Isn't she, like, 6? That is not old for a flower girl.

This is all weird.

[ShamyCooler]

We just had a kid free wedding, but my DD, my two nieces and my nephew were in the wedding as well, and attended the reception too. DD was a combo "ring carrier" and flower girl because she wanted to be both. Lol.

I would definitely check with BIL because I'd bet your future SIL is planning on the kids in the wedding party to be there the whole time.

[kbw12]

Feb 13, 2017 21:37:00 GMT -5 rvasc said:

Isn't she, like, 6? That is not old for a flower girl.

This is all weird.

Out minister actually requested that flower girls and ring bearers be over 4 so that they could actually get down the aisle.

[kbw12]

I'd have your H check but I think it's strange. I also wonder if she didn't mention it to you because she knew that it didn't apply to you since she would be in the wedding party.

[ghostmonkey]

Your MIL needs to STFU about this and your H needs to talk to his brother- the person who actually has a say- about what their expectation is.

This is so something my MIL would do- make assumptions and start telling people what's going on without actually checking with the people in charge of what's going on.

[cadien]

DS was in a wedding with a kid-free reception about a year ago. We didn't mind. For kids who are part of the family, they can all go somewhere to play together. A room in the hotel, in this case.

DH and I wouldn't have enjoyed the reception nearly as much with DS there.

[ldubhawksfan]

Feb 13, 2017 20:55:59 GMT -5 thirdtimemomma said:

In my opinion if the kid is in the wedding they should be at the reception.

This. Usually there is an exception for the kids in the wedding party, but if B&G really want a kid free reception, I would not allow my daughter just to be a prop for the ceremony and then have to cart her back home to a babysitter. They can't have kids in one part of the wedding day and not the other.

[somerandomchick]

You should talk to them before getting spun up about it (family drama by the telephone game = the worst). So just ask them. I would not want to bring my kid to a wedding ceremony of they can't go to the reception (and in general it's rude to invite anybody to the ceremony only and not reception... even a kid/toddler)

[Deleted]

Every no kid wedding I've been to has made an exception for the flower girl / ring bearer.

[Sparkly]

This is kind of what my SIL did with their wedding in September. She wanted all the kids in the family (three nieces and three nephews ages 9 months- 8 years) in the wedding party, but then she didn't want them at the reception. It was really confusing and awkward for all involved because she wasn't super clear with her expectations up front, and she got a lot of pushback about the older boys who's feelings were hurt they weren't invited to the party.

She initially wanted all the kids to be taken off site after the ceremony but that was a logistical nightmare, so they were sort of part of the early part of the reception, then she hired a babysitter to hang out with them in the bridal dressing room at the venue for the duration. We sent our girls home with my parents after dinner and cake.

Okay, so it worked out but honestly was so much more stressful to me. H & I were both in the wedding party and I spent most of the day wrangling my girls and being on edge that one or both of them was going to melt down at any minute. I know your DD is older so that might be less of a concern, but definitely clarify her expectations, and if she's flat out not invited to any part of the reception, I think I would decline.

[ECB]

Ditto ghostmonkey and somerandomchick - talk to them and clarify. This is absolutely a game of telephone.

And then yes, I agree with you. If your DD actually is NOT invited to the reception, I would decline her involvement in the ceremony.

[FieryMama]

My SIL has a kid-free reception, except for her kids and her other SILs kids (they weren't really a part of the wedding, but were dressed to match...eye rolls for days). I'd get clarification, but my assumption would be if they are a part of the ceremony, they are a part of the reception.

[lucilleaustero]

My brother and SIL just had a kids free wedding. Exceptions were my DD, who was the flower girl and their nephew, who was the ringer bearer.

[k3am]

Feb 13, 2017 22:13:51 GMT -5 cadien said:

DS was in a wedding with a kid-free reception about a year ago. We didn't mind. For kids who are part of the family, they can all go somewhere to play together. A room in the hotel, in this case.

DH and I wouldn't have enjoyed the reception nearly as much with DS there.

This is probably the ideal route for a kid free wedding, assuming the bride and groom are footing the bill. DNW to pay for a babysitter for my kids that were REQUESTED to be there but not invited to the reception. If B&G are the reason the kids are there and I'm not coordinating my own childcare, B&G can take care of the cost. 

[spooko]

Not really relevant to the actual etiquette, but I feel like she should have a title of "flower girl mentor" instead of "assistant."

[ghostmonkey]

Feb 14, 2017 11:02:20 GMT -5 spooko said:

Not really relevant to the actual etiquette, but I feel like she should have a title of "flower girl mentor" instead of "assistant."

No, she is the correct age for a flower girl. The 2 year old is the "helper".

"Pain in the ass" is probably a more correct title.

[spooko]

Feb 14, 2017 11:05:36 GMT -5 ghostmonkey said:

Feb 14, 2017 11:02:20 GMT -5 spooko said:

Not really relevant to the actual etiquette, but I feel like she should have a title of "flower girl mentor" instead of "assistant."

No, she is the correct age for a flower girl. The 2 year old is the "helper".

"Pain in the ass" is probably a more correct title.

I wasn't saying she isn't the right age, just that since she wasn't going to be given a primary designation they could have at least made it a more appealing and inclusive request.