Hi everyone, I am having some issues with MILs I need some advice about. I apologise this will be long.
This is our second baby and for our first my entire family and MHs came down (we live out of state for both). I had my Dad and his annoying girlfriend with us for the week before in case I went early since MH was working and i had off (DD decided to come a week late!). Because we had an induction everyone was able to be here the day she was born.
I didn't realize how much I would hate that. My FIL is a bit difficult and doesn't get social cues. Hs family was in the hospital room waiting for us as I was brought from the delivery room. I was high, bleeding, and couldn't walk and they were in the way and tried to take my daughter right away. The nurse thankfully kicked them out but they literally stood outside the door. I get they were excited but WTF!
I had to ask them to leave after an hour so my sisters could come in. We did not get anytime to rest the whole time in the hospital because people were constantly coming in and out. Now they are insisting they come a week early and stay with us. I told MH I just want it to be us. We have friends who can watch DD until family can get here. But I mainly can't handle my in-laws like that again. Am I being ridiculous? I think I can ban people if I want.
Post by PepperPottsJ on Mar 12, 2017 20:18:55 GMT -5
I do not think you are being ridiculous at all. I am fully aware I will have a battle on my hands with my MIL and am dreading the banning conversation. She has also already invited herself to stay will us to help, and that is a serious hell to the NO.
Is YH usually ok to stand up to his parents? I think him having a CTJ about your needs is going to be the only path, however curious what others think.
You are not being ridiculous. I'm probably going to have this battle with my own parents. Luckily we are delivering out of town (and closer to where they live)so I'll be happy to have them at the hospital but I don't want anyone coming to my house before or after the baby is born to stay with us. DH works from home so I just want it to be he and I and we will be fine. There's enough going on without people being in my space.
We don't live in the same state as our families, but with DS we did not have anyone at the hospital at all, except for one set of friends that came to visit once we were in recovery (and they brought us dinner). Our parents came to visit and meet baby after we'd been home for a week or two. I am 100% team set up the boundaries so that you can relax/rest as much as possible in the hospital.
With this one, the plan is for MIL to stay at the house with DS while I'm in labor. And then I guess we will have her bring him to meet baby once we are all settled in recovery. I don't love having extra people in the house when we are adjusting to a new baby and I'm recovering from childbirth, but we picked MIL because she is by and far the most helpful.
Speaking from experience, set boundaries now. As the years go by, it will only get worse and will trickle into other aspects of your life. There are a number of things that I still harbor resentment about and when it comes down to it, it is my fault because I didn't stand up for what I really wanted.
We live about 45 minutes away from family. With my older two, people came to the hospital and I was ok with it. I feel like I had time to recover before I saw people and it was fine. With my youngest, as soon as my parents found out that I was having the baby, they insisted on coming wait at my house until the baby was born. She ended up being born at 6pm and visiting hours ended at 8 so I felt super rushed and pressured into letting everyone meet the baby. I am still frustrated about it.
This time after the baby is born, my husband will go and get our kids and they will get to meet the baby first, without the rest of the family. Then, everyone else will get a chance to meet the baby. This is my last baby and for once I want it to happen how I want. I am prepared to deal with multiple guilt trips about it, but when all is said and done, it isn't about them.
Post by mrshall1027 on Mar 13, 2017 13:08:06 GMT -5
With my daughter, I was very clear with everyone that I didn't want anyone there until we were ready. I said it may be the same day, could be the next, didn't know. Luckily everyone respected my wishes, except my SIL. She walked into the room as they were prepping me for a c section (legs wide open and being shaved). I was so freaking pissed! And it was totally my H's fault and also the hospital staff not following my birth plan/requests. I had told them I didn't want anyone coming in and they still let her come in. I am still really upset about it and so this time, I've made it crystal freaking clear with MH that no one is to come up to the hospital until I am ready. With how upset I was last time, I think he understands how serious I am. Also, it's very likely I will have a scheduled c section with this one, so I will be able to better determine when people can come visit.
As for anyone staying with us, I would normally say hell no, but my recovery was so painful last time, I need the extra help. My MIL is going to stay with us for however long we need her to. I'm hoping it won't be for too long, because even though she's helpful, my house is always a mess after she leaves.
Thanks everyone, I thought I was going crazy getting all worked up about this! I have had several small conversations with MH about this and think it might finally being settling in. I think part of the problem is that last time I was pretty insistent that someone be with me when I went into labor. She was our first and the whole idea of giving birth freaked me out. Plus, MH was teaching a summer class over an hour away, and 2 1/2 hours from the hospital so in case there were issues, I wanted a person. But like someone said, I have done this before and I really do not want my hospital room to be grand central again. My inlaws are nice people but so rigid in their ways I just can't bear the thought of dealing with them, and coming home to my house full of them!
Even though this time around we will both be off from work, he was slow to pick up that I did not need another person here because HE would be home with me. The other issue is DD. We don't want to have to bring her to the hospital, but I think we have time before August to make arrangements with friends to watch her until family can get here. My sisters are pretty reasonable and have said they will stay away or come whenever I want. One can be here in 5 hours which I am ok with. MH has agreed to tell them not to come or at least not make plans to come until they get the ok from him. This is a good start I think.
I told my parents when I was going to the hospital last time and gave them updates throughout the day. After he was born, they asked when they could come down. They gave us a few hours and then came for an hour or so.
This time, I'll likely call them to watch DS when it's go time. It will take them an hour to get here. They'll bring him after baby is born and likely stay with him until we can get home. Hell no to people sitting in the waiting room. All of our family was respectful in only visiting for a couple hours at a time.
My parents did come down for a couple days after we were home because H had to go back to work. I hope we can make that happen again. It was nice to have an extra set of hands for a couple days. But again, it was all on our time table.
@ketchup, I think I opened the door to this inviting everyone in last time. We haven't hit the point where I think this will cause us problems, but I am glad I am addressing it early.
My MIL is quiet but has ideas and I think she will be offended but ill keep it to herself. My FIL is a bit more vocal and straight up crazy. I am so happy my family is cool and that we are all able to tell eachother what we want without judgement.
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