Texas DFPS Info Session

[CurlySu717]

Hey y'all!  Long time, no post!  I've been taking an intentional break and trying to get my act together after ending fertility treatments last fall.

We went to the Texas DFPS info session on Tuesday.

...It was quite the eye-opening experience.

The presenters were very blunt, which I appreciated on the one hand.  On the other hand, it was very clear that they are looking for foster families and not adoptive families. 

Even though I have 3 friends who had children placed with them as infants under 12 months old and went on to eventually adopt them, I was told this is very very very rare, and we should have no expectations of adoption.  

When I asked what percentage of foster situations become adoptions situations, they told me they didn't know (DH thinks that based on how quickly they brushed off the question, they do know but don't share the statistic).

On a logical level, I understand their approach.  And yes, DH and I were only interested in foster care as a means to the end of adoption, which is perhaps not the correct reason to become a foster parent.  But emotionally, I felt totally rejected.  "Oh, you want to adopt?  Well, we don't want you, then.  We want foster families."  It was one more door slammed in our faces.  I left with exactly zero sense of hope that working with the state would ever result in us successfully adopting.

We are still eyeing Abrazo Adoptions (private agency) in San Antonio, TX, but honestly, I think we're going to circle back to IVF.  The idea of IVF kind of terrifies me, and our odds of it being successful aren't great, but at least I have slightly more than zero hope!   

[lobster]

I'm sorry CurlySu717! That sounds rough!

We are almost finished with our pre-service training now. It has definitely been an eye-opening experience for us as well. I think she told us the statistic is something like 70% of children will be reunited with their birth parent(s). Both of our instructors are foster parents and have adopted multiple children though, so I don't know that I'd say it's "rare". At least in my state (MO). I'm sure it varies. Babies are definitely harder though. I think all, but 1 or 2 couples in the room (of probably 15) want to adopt as well. They just say we need to be supportive of the "case goal". So as long as it is reuninfication, we need to be supportive of that birth parent relationship. But if it switches to adoption, the foster family gets first dibs.

I know it's a hard process. We are in the first phases of trying to diagnosis our infertility. So, it will definitely be a juggling act to handle foster children and infertility testing.

[CurlySu717]

Thanks lobster! I'm just not sure that state adoption is the best option for us right now. I don't think I can be fully on-board with the goal of reunification -- I have ulterior motives.

[ceejay]

In our training classes (in IL), they really stressed the idea that the goal for almost all foster children will be reunification and not adoption. I think they know that many people start fostering because they hope to adopt, but they want foster parents to go into it with an open mind and know that the kids in the their care may likely return home.

I've since heard that in my state, only about 50% of kids end up returning home, so it really could go either way.

[kj1013]

So I am in Texas as well and we ate Foster to adopt.
I think in Texas the statistic is more 50% reunification. Texas is 47th of the 50 states in how quickly they remove children which means that when they remove the cases are more serious (imo). Having said that we have had 2 placements and they are both going to be moved to kinship placements within the first 60 days but you don't have to take emergency removals (both of ours have been). Our friends licensed at the same time are going to be adopting their first Foster placement.
This is tl;Dr but I can pm if you would like to hear what theyou told us during training.

[CurlySu717]

Thanks, ceejay and kj1013! Fifty percent is higher than I thought it would be!

I was really quite set on adoption and I don't have a good reason for the 180-degree change of heart. I mean, the info session was disheartening, but I thought I was more dedicated to the idea than this. If you lurk on 3T/IF you may have seen my other post about circling back to IVF...I'm also having a harder time letting go of the idea of being pregnant than I thought I would after our last failed IUI with donor sperm last fall.

At any rate, I'm trying to trust my gut. I do think maybe we could pursue foster-to-adopt in the future if we had a child or children that were already ours at home (either via successful private adoption or successful IVF). I know it can be hard to complete a second private adoption.

[redandblue]

Sorry that your info session was so disheartening. I do believe that they want to ensure that they give some of the 'worst case' (not the right wording i know, because if reunification is the best for the child, then it's not the worst case....but you know what I mean) so that families go into fostering and/or adopting with their eyes open of possible scenarios, and not feeling like a match or placement are guaranteed. I know nothing about how the system works in your state, as I'm in Canada, but I wanted to say that this whole process is definitely a journey, specifically a journey into understanding and knowing ourselves. So with that in mind, I think it's brave of you to recognize where you are at, and if you bigger goal or hope is to experience pregnancy, then that is probably where you should focus your energy. Children coming into families from the foster system come from hard places, and need families who are going to be there completely for them. That being said, it doesn't mean that you stop exploring adoption (whether that be private or public). Anyways, big hugs to you. I know it is such a complicated and emotional journey.

I also want to add something that I often think about in my opinion (so please feel free to totally disregard, as I am just giving my point of view and not intended to be judgy or insensitive). I 100% understand the desire to experience pregnancy. I totally get why you would want that, and I know that some people have a very hard time moving past not having that experience. But at the end of the day, my goal was to become a parent. And now that DS2 is 19 months, I don't even think about or concern myself with that fact that he was not from my womb. I'm his mother. And the older our children get, the less we focus on those pregnancy experiences, and focus on the parenting experiences. Again feel free to tell me to FO, but I wanted to provide you with my thought process about it.

Hugs to you.

[Deleted]

I read in an adoption book that it is important to grieve for your infertility and the loss of biological children before adopting. And now, after experiencing infertility and loss while fostering, I would reiterate that sentiment completely. I would also add fostering. I had a moment similar to yours while in foster care training. While I wouldn't go back and do anything different, there were some really hard moments on this journey because I was going through all of it all at once.

And because of the goal of reunification it is hard to adopt a child younger than 12 months if you aren't already fostering them. But in my state, you can just adopt from foster care and either adopt a waiting child or be on a waiting list for children who cannot be reunified and where the foster family does not want to adopt. From my experience, your chances are higher if you are open to siblings.

We ultimately decided not to pursue IVF but please PM me if you have questions about fostering or adopting from foster care while dealing with infertility. I think you are smart to push pause on it right now but I know how scary and sad it is to close a door that could lead to parenting.

[butlerfan]

The end goal is always reunification in foster care cases-does it lead to adoption-sometimes. They like to give the worst case scenario in a lot of the training classes to try to prepare you. I agree with PP about grieving your IF first (as much as you can at least). Do I have days where IF slaps me in the face-absolutely! Do I wish I could become pregnant-absolutely! But where I was when I got my IF diagnosis and where I was when we started on the licensing path (and where I am now even!) are different people. That is why we didn't jump into foster care right away for my own sanity.

Our current placements may only be with us for a few months-or could be forever depending on what happens. We have to be ready for anything and that is what they are trying to tell you so you don't get your hopes up of automatically adopting.

[CurlySu717]

Thanks, redandblue, @helgahufflepuff, butlerfan!

Circling back to IVF isn't really about being pregnant for me. Our IF journey has been weird, and I think the best way to describe it is trying to find the path of least resistance. We started with IUI with donor sperm. When that didn't work, I thought adoption would be easier than trying IVF. Having explored adoption more, it looks like IVF is easier (if it works). If IVF doesn't work, I'm sure we'll circle back to adoption.

...And yes, I realize how completely effed up that paragraph is, to look at this as "What's the path of least resistance?" We've been so paralyzed by indecision, we're literally grasping at straws to try to figure out what to do.

[Deleted]

CurlySu717 sorry if I didn't tag right, I'm mobile. I always assumed adoption was easier than IVF but you're right, it really isn't. Even if you get matched, a bio parent has a window of time to change their mind and it all costs the same! I think if you are open to "older" kids or siblings adopting waiting children can be that "path of least resistance." But there is a grieving period associated with that too, giving up on parenting a child from birth.