Post by professormcgonagall on Mar 22, 2017 8:24:44 GMT -5
I hope this thread is ok. The board has been quiet for a while and I wanted to see how everyone is. If anyone needs any extra thoughts and prayers or encouragement, I am here to offer that.
Hey! I'm doing meh. I've got a lot of chronic pain issues and this weather isn't helping. I've had a really hard time moving lately and I'm sick of crying just because I try to put a pair of pants on. But other than that I'm pretty okay.
In more related news, I've been really missing Jackson and it's hitting me kind of hard lately that I'll never have a little boy. He was my chance. I don't know. Maybe that's silly.
Post by fikafairy67 on Mar 22, 2017 10:25:00 GMT -5
@led that's not silly at all. I'm majorly missing Kristina, and wondering if she was my only shot at having a daughter.
We had an RE consult this morning to discuss options, and my head is spinning. Financially, I don't know if we can ever afford the IVF. Emotionally, we can't handle potentially going through the same thing again with a 50/50 shot. Getting a sperm donor is less taxing on me physically, totally doable financially, but I don't know where we land emotionally on it.
DH's job contract also unexpectedly ended 3 months early, so now he's job searching on top of everything else.
It will be 6 months on Friday. I originally wanted to get my tattoo for her on that day, but with DH's job situation, all unnecessary things are on hold.
Post by professormcgonagall on Mar 22, 2017 10:32:02 GMT -5
LED, I am so sorry about your chronic pain issues. That sounds terrible. It's not silly at all to be sad about that. I feel like the same about possibly never having another daughter. It's hard to give up something you were so looking forward to.
Fikafaiy67, that sucks about IVF. I wish it wasn't so damn expensive so more people could do it if they needed to. I understand being anxious about taking that risk. 50/50 is no small odds and that is a terrible decision to have to make. Sending hugs and hoping one option works for you.
I feel like one day I am as good as I could possibly be, given the circumstances, then the next day I am a mess. We got the autopsy report finally and it really just speculated that it was a problem with the placenta that happened shortly before she died. She was healthy, which is so hard to deal with.
I feel like one day I am as good as I could possibly be, given the circumstances, then the next day I am a mess. We got the autopsy report finally and it really just speculated that it was a problem with the placenta that happened shortly before she died. She was healthy, which is so hard to deal with.
jrun2013, I definitely get that. Some days are good and some days I feel like I lost her yesterday. I lost Alex due to an infection in my placenta. She was perfectly healthy and the reason she did not live was because the infection had spread to her. I have dealt with so much guilt over this even though I know I couldn't have done anything. But it's so hard when the problem wasn't with our babies but with our bodies.
I am doing ok. I just starting taking antidepressants, not sure if it is helping yet. We just did an international move about a month ago and it's still pretty lonely. My car is still in transit so I'm stuck at the house all day with no one to talk to but my dog. I'm hoping things will get better once I'm able to get out and get a job.
We are doing good all things considered. It has been four months and we go back to the RE tomorrow to start medicated cycles. I'm actually looking forward to it but I'm sure the nerves will creep in at some point.
DH's parents are coming into town this weekend and we plan on going to the cemetery. We haven't been since Christmas.
For me the hardest moments are on Sundays when there is an infant baptism. I am sad that we never got to baptize Ava (but we know she is in Heaven) and seeing the baptismal bowl reminds me that our pastor was there in the waiting room with the bowl at the ready in case she survived the birth. We are in a growing church with lots of babies so this happens about every 1-2 months and sometimes more frequently.
@led, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time, both physically and emotionally. Hang in there!
fikafairy67, I can't imagine IVF either so I hope you can make a decision that you guys are comfortable with on all levels. Hopefully your husband finds work soon.
jrun2013, I'm glad you have answers, even if knowing those answers doesn't change anything.
professormcgonagall, I think the meds take awhile to build up in your system and get you to feeling better so hang in there. I'm glad you were able to get some help since you are so far from home.
aprilz81 that's the problem, we didn't really get too many answers, just some vague answer that something unknown happened to the placenta. I wish I knew what, but I don't. Seeing baby girls in church or anywhere really is so hard on me. Mine should be here, healthy, but she's not.
We're back at the RE too, in the middle of our first medicated cycle. I'm actually looking forward to it and am much more relaxed about it than I was last time.
Meh, some days are good and some (like Wednesday) I'm a hot mess. It's been just 3 months since Elizabeth died but it feels simultaneously just like yesterday and like an entire lifetime ago. I just started back to work and I miss her so much. I've been seeing a counselor for anxiety. There's speculation that I have some degree of PTSD from her birth. Her birth was incredibly difficult and her birth defect (anencephaly) was so severe and cruel. No one should have to see their child that way. Sometimes I'm fine and then others I'm right back in the delivery room with her being laid on my chest. It takes my breath away and makes the world a terrifying place. I hate what it did to her.
@led, I'm so sorry you've been missing Jackson more recently. It's not silly to miss him, and the opportunity to have a boy. I can relate to that SO much.
fikafairy67, Like I said to LED, I can relate to the "only chance at having a boy/girl". I am DOR and when we lost Kenley I thought all was lost because I didn't think we could afford IVF.
jrun2013, If you're interested, there is a doctor at Yale who studies the placental slides and looks for a more in-depth answer to what went wrong. I know someone personally who sent her information to him and found an answer to her daughters death that was other wise over looked. Here is the link if you want to check it out
aprilz81, I wish you luck with your medicated cycles. I know you're in good hands! I love Dr.Jain
sandj918, I know we can all relate to the PTSD feelings. I have been on medication since losing Kenley because of it. I often found there were times that I couldn't function properly without feeling PTSD over EVERYTHING. So, I knew I needed help. At 3 month mark for me personally, I was extremely sad. It was my worst month, I think? It was about the time where I wanted to just die and be with her the most. I hope you are able to find a way to allow some light into your darkness; i know it gets so so dark. We are here for you. ((hugs))
I am happy to announce that our rainbow baby arrived screaming on 3.15.17. I am so thankful that she is here safely. I had a really REALLY hard pregnancy with Alden in terms of PTSD, anxiety etc. Now that she is here I am struggling with feelings of guilt, and sadness over losing Kenley and not knowing something was wrong. Its hard to look at Alden and feel complete joy, so I'm assuming it will just be a learning process. I really thought Alden would come out looking like Kenley, and she didn't. That was actually pretty hard; I think it's probably for the best though. She looks just like her older brother, and we couldn't be more in love with her. If you would like to see pictures you can click here that way if you're having a hard day you can make the choice to look when you're ready if you'd like!
rslh10 thank you for the recommendation. I don't know how I would go about getting the slides, but I am going to look into it. Also, congratulations. She is beautiful.
rslh10 thank you for the recommendation. I don't know how I would go about getting the slides, but I am going to look into it. Also, congratulations. She is beautiful.
I'm pretty sure you would call your hospitals medical records department and tell them what you need. They will be able to help or direct you to where you need to go.
Post by peaseblossom55 on Mar 25, 2017 22:01:06 GMT -5
TW rainbow mentioned throughout. I struggled to post b/c of TW. I am sorry if it offends.
I am doing ok. Every April the hospital has memorial service for babies lost at the hospital. I wanted to go again to celebrate Anne.liese. I almost feel like life is too busy and we won't make it. It was so beautiful last year.
I find I struggle more with missing M.aggie now. I didn't have as much time to focus on grieving her since I had other focuses and hope. Now I miss her so much, she should be here with her sister and I keep going through the what ifs and what should be's. It breaks my heart.
It truly is bitter sweet. My therapist who has been amazing and who I've been with since my loss of Anne.liese is retiring and moving. I will miss her so much. She was a lifesaver.
Hello dear, I am new in this forum. I am 40 years old. I never planned on marrying. I know it is late but I got married at 35. I never had plans to have kids also. But now we want to have children to bring joy to our lives. I cannot conceive. It has been hard for the both of us. He says it is alright but I can tell that it is not. I really want to do something about it. I have heard about surrogacy but do not know the details. I want to know more about it. I need help. Can someone tell me more about surrogacy? I will be really thankful.
Thank you for this post. For me, this journey has been a roller coaster. There are soo many highs and lows that I have gone through. However, during all of this, I have learned so much. So basically all my previous cycles failed. When the last IVF cycle didn't work out a friend talked to me. She told me the importance of a good clinic. She herself had been in a similar situation and told me she knew how it felt. However, she pointed out two things. She said its important that the doctors are experienced. Also, the clinic is reliable and responsible. I searched on the clinic she was visiting and was in fact very much impressed. We are now visiting them and I am really enjoying my experience so far. I hope things remain like this. Hoping for the best.
Hi there! I m glad you started this post. I also wanted to read different stories. I m doing great btw, my second surrogacy was a success as well so I m quite happy. There's one thing that I want to share with everyone is that it's possible if you try. In this journey, it's important to stay strong and patient. Things look easy but they are not. Nowadays treatments are much successful. I had both babies through surrogacy, but to make it work it's important to opt for a clinic with a high success rate. A good clinic can make a huge difference in your treatment. I had to travel a long way for my treatment but I m glad I did. So do anything in your power for this, because it's worth it. I hope everyone is doing great. Good luck to everyone trying to conceive out there. Stay blessed!
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