How do I get out of this?

[supertrooper1]

TL;DR: My coworker sent me an email for a character reference because she thinks it will help her discipline case and I don't want to do it for a variety of reasons. 


The back story:
In October, my coworker was placed on modified duty while an IA investigation was being conducted. Officially I was told it was a scheduling issue but the rumor mill said it was because she forged a doctor's note. In my 12 years at work, I have never seen anyone placed on modified duty for something like this, which leads me to believe there is more to the story. 

When she was placed on modified duty, I had only spent a week training her for my work unit. Before that, I had only worked with her about a handful of times and had never had many conversations with her, just a couple of work related exchanges. So not only do I feel like I don't know her very well, my first impressions of her were that she is lazy. 

I have a good reputation at work for being a hard worker and honest, speaking my mind for what is right. Since I don't know the whole story, I don't want my reputation to be put into question. I also don't have a lot of respect for her work ethic.

But on the flip side, if I don't write it, she could end up back in my work unit when this whole thing is over, with hard feelings because I didn't write it. How do I get out of writing it without creating hurt feelings? 

[somebabiesmom]

I would probably tell her that I don't feel comfortable writing it because I don't know what her discipline case is about. Then see where the convo goes from there.

[sudokufan]

If she's asking you to write a reference based on that little interaction, she's either really clueless or really desperate. I think no matter how nicely you phrase it, there's going to be some level of hurt feelings because you're saying no. I'd still go with "I'm sorry, I don't feel that I've known you long enough or well enough to write the kind of reference that you're asking for." and then suggest a previous supervisor or someone you know who has worked with her more. There could be a good reason she hasn't asked them (like, she knows it will be a bad reference), but it would be weird of her to confess that to you after asking you to write a good reference, so she may just accept that as a good suggestion.

[welly01]

I would just be honest and tell her that you don't feel like you've worked with her long enough to give an accurate opinion of her work/skills/etc. I agree it will be awkward if she ends up in your work group again. Is it an option to submit a truthful character reference or does she want you to email it directly to her?

[supertrooper1]

I should add, she asked about 20 people to write one. I was thinking I could fade into the background and hope she didn't realize I didn't write one for her, but she wants them sent to her. So that rules out a truthful one sent to someone else.

[mlee116]

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it. I'd be wondering if she was only asking me because everyone who knows her well would not give a good reference.

I agree with PPs and just tell her simply "I'm sorry, but I don't feel like I've worked with you long enough to give a good reference." If it's awkward, it's certainly not your fault, it's her fault for asking someone she barely knows.

[mlee116]

Ok, I see your update that she asked a bunch of people. Nope, still wouldn't do it. She clearly doesn't understand how character references work. I would just keep my explanation simple and I wouldn't even get into her disciplinary stuff.

[sudokufan]

Mar 30, 2017 9:46:05 GMT -5 supertrooper1 said:

I should add, she asked about 20 people to write one. I was thinking I could fade into the background and hope she didn't realize I didn't write one for her, but she wants them sent to her. So that rules out a truthful one sent to someone else.

Oh hell no to that, then.  Did she start a Facebook campaign to get Likes too?
Save

[mlee116]

supertrooper1, is that normal for where you work to have references sent to the person they are about? She sounds so shady.

[somebabiesmom]

After asking for 20 recs, I'm sure she's expecting to be turned down for some. I would tell her no.

[Widget123]

References shouldn't be directly sent to the person who is being written about. I think it is fair to tell her that you don't know her well enough. If she is mad at you because of that, so be it.

[2chatter]

I would respond with actual policy if it's available. Like, where references are to be sent and who can write them. Guidelines for things like that are available here and I would cut and paste with a nice note of good luck. "Unfortunately I am not qualified to write a reference, as per the guidelines..."

[frozenpeas]

I agree you should decline to write the letter. Be prepared, though, that when you tell her you don't know her well enough, she may continue to push. She might tell you it's ok if it's not detailed or strong--anything will help. Or she may feed you what you should include ("remember how I did this when we worked together for a week?"). It sounds like she's desperate enough to beg. Just make sure you're ready for that because it's easy to become weak and back down in the moment.

Or maybe that's just me 😀

[supertrooper1]

mlee116, it's not normal for people who are being disciplined to ask for reference letters, so there is no standard of who they get sent to.

2chatter, I wish there were guidelines to follow, but there aren't any.

I think she is asking for letters because another coworker was just cleared in an investigation and that is what he did. But he asked in person and had them sent to his union rep. But it was a completely different situation. I might have even written one in his case if he had asked. Her, not so much. I unfortunately think that her union rep would share the letters with her if I sent it to him, so I feel like that option is out if I did write a truthful one.

[indyrowergirl]

Seeing that she asked 20 ppl, I wouldn't write the reference, and I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her why. If she pushes, I'd go with not knowing her well enough/not having worked with her enough, but I wouldn't say sorry! That just opens the door for more pushing. Shut it down.

And can I say WTH for wanting them sent to her? That's totally inappropriate. SMH.

[k3am]

To whom it may concern,

I am writing this reference letter solely at the request of Jane. I have known her for 6 months, of which she was on probation for 1 month, and we had limited work interactions for approximately one week. During that week, I can confidently compliment her on her ability to make it to work on time most days, utilize her full lunch break, and passably complete basic duties assigned to her.

Regards,
supertrooper1

[akafred]

Frankly I would ignore the request. If she asks you directly, say that you thought you were erroneously included since you haven't known her long enough to be a reference and would not be comfortable giving one.

[mommyatty]

I wouldn't do it, wouldn't say anything to her, and would just wimp out and pretend none of this was happening. If she comes back, I'd say that since you didn't know the charges, and haven't known her very long, you didn't think you could write a letter that would make a difference in her case.

FTR, I used to be a labor and employment lawyer for a federal agency. 1) these letters don't do much beyond maybe mitigating the punishment under the theory that whatever she was caught doing was out of character, and 2) there's no one else to send them to but her or her lawyer or her union rep. She gets to see them regardless. This isn't like a job reference. It's more like a statement in a criminal trial where you say "I've known Josephine for 17 years, and she's an honest, loving, church-going, God-fearing woman. I know if she was actually prostituting herself, it must have been to buy medicine for the impoverished orphans she built a clinic for last May on our mission trip to Guatemala."

[ECB]

If she approaches you directly about this, then I would go w/ the advice above. Just say that you don't know her well enough and don't feel comfortable being a refernce. Period.

Outside of that... I wouldn't do anything.