Help me with my toddler!

[ladytiffany24]

Any STMs (or more)...I need your help/advice. Or even FTMs who might still have some great advice.

As I mentioned previously, my 2 1/2 year old seems to be having a rough time all of the sudden. She did pretty good the first few weeks. We just noticed maybe a little more attitude than normal. Keeping in mind, she's pretty strong-willed to begin with so part of that comes with the territory. Also, terrible twos. But, for about a little over a week now, it's all gotten worse. She's being defiant, not listening more than usual, and is being more aggressive. Got a bad report from the sitter 1 day last week and got another text this morning that she was crying and hitting. This is not like her at all so I can only attribute it to her still trying to acclimate to having her brother around.

We're utilizing the "1-2-3 Magic" method of discipline at home and have asked the sitter to do the same. She's started using it this week. Sitter is a saint and adores DD. She's willing to help however she can. She also doesn't want us to just come pick her up everytime she has an "episode" because she doesn't want her to just start acting out thinking that every time she does that, mommy or daddy will come get her. So she's working with us which is great. She also keeps reassuring us that this is normal and it will pass eventually. That she just wants to make sure we're all being consistent and keeping each other updated.

Anyways, I'm just reaching out to see if any of you have experience with this and have any other ideas that we might implement. What else can we be doing with her? My husband thinks we've let her get away with too much for a while now and that's part of the problem so he's all about the discipline. I understand this, but I also know she's 2 1/2 and there's only so much we can do. At the same time, I won't tolerate hitting and the sitter won't either. I also don't want to just be punishing her all the time and have her think I don't love her. Or have her start resenting me.

What can I do?! Help!

I should add, she's not acting out at all towards her baby brother. She adores him. But I'm still a firm believer that this acting out in other ways has every thing to do with him and his arrival because it only started getting this bad when we brought him home.

ETA: TL;DR - My toddler's behavior has gotten pretty bad since we brought DS home. Help me try to fix it.

[kristhegirl]

How much time does she get with you alone, and with your husband alone? How are you talking about her emotions and reactions with her?

Toddlers are notorious for big emotions. New siblings are incredibly complicated to navigate. More punishment will, I think, backfire, if she senses that she's not allowed to process all this change around you guys.

Obviously, hitting is not allowed. She's old enough to listen, etc - but her whole universe just went sideways. She needs time with her parents so she knows you still love her, she needs consistency in routine, and she needs the space to work out her emotions. She won't really have the words yet, so behavior is her available place to work stuff out.

This was just on my FB feed this morning - I don't think you have to follow RIE for this to resonate:
www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/positive-parenting-in-the-tantrum-zone/

[ladytiffany24]

kristhegirl, She hasn't gotten much alone time with H or I yet so that's something we just discussed this morning. We're going to make it a habit to have mommy/daughter and daddy/daughter dates more frequently. I'm going to get away with her for a couple of hours this weekend.

We do try to talk things through with her and help her to understand right vs. wrong but I'd take all the advice on how to talk through emotions. That one is kind of lost on me.

She definitely has consistency in her routine and we haven't really changed much of anything. We did that purposefully in hopes that it would help with the transition. The only thing that's different is that B is around and I can't always help her or play with her right at the moments she wants me to, like when he's nursing. H tries to step in during those moments and helps out tremendously, but she's a mama's girl. Always has been, so I know I need to do better with getting that alone time with her.

I'm off to read that article.

Thank you for replying! I always find your advice super helpful!

[meggypoo1]

Sounds totally normal honestly. Does she get one on one time with you guys? What about time outs (I'm not sure what the "1-2-3 magic method is)? The key right now is as soon as the acting out happens your action happens. They don't have the ability to have actions come later right now.

[erinshelley21]

123 Magic was going to be my advice. Stay diligent with it. We did exactly what the book says we would do: use it and then get lax with it after it starts working. Keep it up when it starts working. That's awesome your sitter agreed to use it. We haven't even asked mil and SFIL to use it because we just can't see them doing it consistently.

That with one on one time with each of you will help. I think you're dealing with normal 2 yo behavior honestly.

[jnow]

We are only 8 days out and havent dealt with too much yet but I know it's coming. So I'll be following.

I'm trying to make sure the baby is in the rnp or somewhere when dd1 gets home so it doesnt feel like I'm always with the baby. Dd1 only cares about daddy at the moment so it's a little easier but i try to sit next to her when she is watching mickey or when she has her snack and just focus on her. I find she always ends up holding my hand or something so I think it's the little gestures that help.

[jnow]

Oh and dd1 just turned 2 last month... for reference.

[ladytiffany24]

jnow, Yea, B JUST started sleeping in his crib so I'm hoping that will help too. Until Monday, he was always napping in the RnP right next to me.

[elsmom]

I don't have any real answers for you, and my 2 year old is definitely throwing more tantrums than she was. Usually because she can't have my attention at the exact moment she wants it. She tells me "I need help" then cries while laying on the floor. For her I've found that redirecting her attention is helping: instead of saying "you can get up, you're fine" now I say "can you show me how you were jumping/playing:doing whatever she was doing before" and that seems to really help somehow. Also, as others have mentioned I'm trying to make sure she still gets one on one time so that she still feels important.
I had someone tell me that if both kiddos are crying and REALLY need you, to go to the toddler first because she will process/remember and it will mean something to her whereas it won't for the baby. Haven't really had this situation but it seems to make sense. Good luck! I think this is all super normal for their age but it doesn't make it easier.

[kristhegirl]

ladytiffany24 talking through emotions is sort of helping put into words what is going on during a tantrum. Here's a random example: you are feeding the baby and your toddler wants to play with you. You tell her no and why you can't play right then, and she reacts strongly. You might say something like, "you are very mad that I can't play with you right now. You want to play with your cars with me. I'm feeding the baby and can't play. We will play together once the baby is fed."

It feels odd when you start, but naming emotions and talking through situations can really help, because so much from a toddler perspective is big and confusing. If you aren't sure, you can always talk about being upset, rather than specifically mad/sad/etc. She may be too loud to hear you, but you can do the same thing as a sort of recap after she's calmed down, too.

I'd also try telling her what's about to happen, like "the baby is crying, and that means I need to feed him. I'm going to be feeding him and won't be able to play right away. We can play again after I feed him." I want to reiterate that these are not scripts! Just examples.

Another thing - If I'm going to feed Max in the same room as Elena, I invite her up to sit next to me. She hated this and would throw a fit when I first tried it, but now she'll often scramble up and lean against me. She can still be close to me that way - plus super bonus, she can point out all of Max's facial features to me. Nose!!

[amacbaby]

This might be long, sorry....

I really like kristhegirl examples. Naming feelings is very important and useful at this age. I try to start with a feelings statement during the actual tantrum/incident (I see you are frustrated that....) then usually one more statement giving them a way to do what they were trying to do. For instance "if you need to hit, come hit this pillow." Anything more than that, I save for after the tantrum. This includes the specific teaching/incident stuff like "we don't hit our friends because that hurts them, owie. If you want their toy, you can ask to share. Why don't we try now, ask Susie "can I share please?" Then have them actually practice the positive behavior you want. One mistake parents make is trying to do this all when they are still upset but it's much harder for them and not as effective. Sticking to a few simple statements of feelings/consequence can get you through the outburst. As for the attitude specifically, I would just give them the kind words and wait to do what they want until they are kind. Example: "if you need ----, you can say: I need ---- please" then wait till they are kind (with reminders)

Another tool that I find helpful is "breaks." It will sound like a timeout a bit but it's not meant to be punitive, more of teaching a life skill. When they are having a hard time you start with feelings like above but if it continues (like they keep hitting) you can say "it looks like you (or your body) needs a break." Then you take them to a safe place (we do their room with the door open but it can be next to you or wherever) and say "let's take a break/stay here/etc.. until you are ready to be gentle (or desired behavior)" you can add that they can hit the pillow/yell into the bed/etc.., if they need at this point too. Then let them come back when they feel they are ready. When they come back you can ask "you are back! Are you ready to be gentle now? That's great!" I like this because it's building a skill even adults use (or should) when we can't quite control ourselves as well, and they get to own it by being done when they feel they are ready.

Also, + whatever to giving them some alone time with you throughout the day. I've noticed this makes a huge difference with my girls.

I will also add that kids are unique people. Most of the tools people have mentioned work with most kids if you stick to them. It's worth it however to try and pay attention to specific triggers and responses of your child and sometimes try new things. Personal example: my Lexi has also been really difficult since baby too. If we yell (literally even once during the day), she spirals out of control and yells all day(or week)/gets more attitude etc... we tried our usual tactics but she wasn't getting better so when she started yelling/getting angry we just said "I see you are really angry... would you like a hug?" And put our arms out. She wants the hug and it dissolves the situation about 90% of the time (sometimes after a few more seconds of tantrum and we just wait with our arms out). Not saying that specific tool will work for you but sometimes getting creative is necessary ☺️

Overall I think naming feelings and being empathetic while giving them concrete ways to deal with the situation or do what they need to do have worked the best long term for me.

[amacbaby]

Omg that was so long 😳 sorry!

[ladytiffany24]

Apr 13, 2017 14:32:15 GMT -5 amacbaby said:

Omg that was so long 😳 sorry!

No need for an apology! That was all super helpful! Thank you.

[bookish]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say #toddlermomsolidarity. We are experiencing acting out (although around food and other normally fine situations) but not towards the baby. Toddlers are weird.

[elsmom]

Everything amacbaby said sounds just like what we have learned in "parent ed" at E's preschool. It reminded me of one other thing we have talked about (that I still need to try to keep in mind). The teacher said that toddlers tend to picture things in a concrete way and they don't have a picture of "don't" so if we say "don't hit mommy" they just hear/picture "hit mommy". So instead try to use words like "be gentle with your hands" or something like that. I really need to work on this, but definitely have found naming emotions to be helpful like PP mentioned

[amacbaby]

elsmom that is great advice! Framing things as what they should do can make a big difference!

[britab]

My almost 3 year old hasn't been listening very well. It's hard to say what is sibling related and what's toddler behavior.

One on one time has helped, even if it's running to the store for 10 minutes with just her.

Also Daniel Tiger! They have a lot of good episodes about a new sibling, jealousy, getting mad, etc. It's a great way to name feelings!