Post by somebabiesmom on Apr 18, 2017 7:13:14 GMT -5
1. My kneejerk answer to this is loyalty, but reflecting on it more - it is generosity. You should be generous in all ways with your partner - with your time, the benefit of the doubt, kindnesses, your true self, etc.
2. Honesty. If I were with someone else, I expect it would be kindness and selflessness.
2. That they will always be there and that they are able to take care of themselves. For my kids, I currently take nothing for granted.
BONUS Q: who is driven crazy by the fact that I misnumbered these questions? Haha...
1. Mutual respect and partnership. We're each in this 100% and I'm so thankful for that.
2. Same- respect & partnership. I would be very unwilling to consider a relationship with someone where that wasn't present.
2. Hmmm. I can trust my immediate family, including my older kids, about big things and I'm grateful for that. Not a lot of other things I can take for granted due to some ongoing health issues right now- but I'm glad their morals are in the right place.
1. What is the most important thing to you for a successful marriage/relationship with your SO/relationship with your hypothetical SO? Open communication
2. What do you feel is the most important thing that you bring to the marriage/relationship/hypothetical relationship? Would that be different if you were with someone else? When I’m committed to a relationship I’m all in. This has been a pattern with previous relationships so I don’t think it would be different with someone else.
2. With regard to your immediate family (your parents, your siblings, your kids - or whoever filled/fills those roles for you), what are you most grateful to be able to take for granted? Both my parents have always supported me. I’m so thankful for them.
1. I want to say respect. What I have noticed in previous relationships is that my BFs would let me walk all over them. I need someone who pushes back and makes me respect them. Not in a controlling way, but enough so that I don't see them as a doormat. The flip side is that they have to respect me too. I won't be walked over either. I had one BF who tried that. It was not good.
2. Want I bring to the table that he needs; Honesty. In two of his past serious relationships he has been cheated on. The fact that I am an open book and loyal to our nuclear family it extremely important to him in our relationship. I think with someone else it would not be as important.
3. Probably that no matter what happens my DH will have my back. During our relationship we have had some stressful situations. I lost my job right after we bought a house. We got pregnant much quicker that anticipated which hurt our financial situation as well. I almost died having our son and he was there and was able to take care of our child without freaking out. We had a insurance problem and was looking at over 100K in medical bills at the same time his ex was getting into physical fights with her husband in front of the kids and we took her back to court. This was all in about a 3 year period. He was a rock through it all. DH is solid and dependable and great in a crisis.
Post by CoverGirl82 on Apr 18, 2017 8:35:35 GMT -5
1. This is so hard because it seems like there are so many things that are important! For most important, I would say it's a tie between respect and trust.
2. I guess I would say appreciation/gratitude. I try to show DH that I am appreciative of how hard he works, that he is a true partner with parenting and chores.
3. I am grateful that my parents live so close and are happy to come down to spend time/take care of the kids, even on short notice. When DS had his confusional migraine last fall, they dropped everything to come stay with DD so DH and I could stay at the hospital with DS. I am grateful that DH is open to me exploring natural living, because it shows he trusts and respects me. I guess I wouldn't say I take anything for granted with my kids, I feel so blessed they are here and healthy.
1. For us, it's teamwork. We always work together or divide and conquer, but things work best when we both have the same goals. 2. Honesty - H has some trust issues, so I'm an open book. Probably too open. I think that would be expected and similar in any relationship 2. That the grandmas will always send us presents for her! We have done so little gift buying, and our families just handle it for us. Literally two boxes showed up on Saturday and they turned in to the stuff in her Easter basket.
Post by erinshelley21 on Apr 18, 2017 9:41:19 GMT -5
1. Respect for one another. 2. The confidence I have in him. He is one of the smartest, hardest working people I know. He has a lot of doubts of what he is capable of despite his achievements at work and through paramedic school especially. He is the type of guy that knows a little about a lot of things and I trust him to guide us through nearly any situation. 3. Everyone but my mom is a 5-7 minute drive away. My mom is only 45 minutes. It makes holidays busy and packed but it's so nice to have such a large and full village.
Post by justcheckingin73 on Apr 18, 2017 9:49:54 GMT -5
1. I'd say teamwork - working toward a common goal. I appreciate that we both have our "own" chores but if I'm busy or dealing with something else, I'd expect DH to pick up where I left off so that neither of us feels we are doing all of the work. Sometimes I don't feel this teamwork from DH and it's something I will bring up now that tax season is over. Not that I expected him to help much during tax season - its the lack of help in the off season that bothers me.
2. I would say flexibility. It might be different with someone else.
3. I feel that this will be (and is) changing but that our parents are in good health and can visit us, watch the kids, etc. My FIL was just diagnosed with cancer and my parents have had a smattering of health problems lately so while I take it for granted, I am thinking more and more that this is not going to last.
Regarding my kids, I love the fact that I don't have to keep an eye on them all the time. They can feed themselves, go to the bathroom by themselves...it's magic This is brought to you by all of my neighbors and parents of my son's friends who are having babies or have little ones. DNW want to go back to that time.
1. That we are best friends and know what each other is thinking/doing/feeling so we can appropriately support each other. If we aren't communicating enough, this becomes a struggle and we end up on different pages focussed on our own selfish needs.
2. Probably affirmation and companionship...and (my best attempt at) unconditional love til the end.
2. Probably that my parents got their shit together before they had kids. My mom was a major hippie/druggie before she met my dad and thankfully they really turned their lives around quick. I am lucky to have stable supportive parents who have always supported me.
1. Freedom. Not that I think I have a ton of it per say, but I make a lot of decisions myself without asking permission.
2. I am the responsible one and also the planner. I take care of a lot of administrative tasks such as scheduling appointments, paying bills, arranging activities, making to do lists for the whole family, identifying and buying needed things. I might be more spontaneous or carefree if I didn't do all of these things.
3. From my parents- My education. My parents put me in good schools and contributed a decent amount to my college education so that it didn't take me long to pay the rest off. For my family in general- Trust. I trust pretty much everyone in my immediate family including IL's except for BIL and SIL.
1. Shared values. 2. Laughter. I can make that man laugh like nobody's business. 2. I'm grateful that my mom has her personal/financial shit together. She's not in the best health, but we know that she's got things taken care of. We won't be having a windfall if/when she passes away, but we won't be struggling if she needs long-term care. I can not say the same thing for DH's parents. I'm apparently morbid since that's what I'm most grateful about right now, but on today of all days (my mom's birthday), that is what springs up first.
Bonus: I didn't even notice. I numbered mine the same way without thinking about it.
1. Teamwork and commitment - no matter what happens, we have each other's back and we are in this together through good times and bad. We have a 50/50 partnership as it relates to cooking, cleaning, child rearing, outside employment, etc. Our parents did not do things this way so I'm grateful for it.
2. Probably open and honest communication. He's more quiet and will just go with it so relies more on me to start the conversation if we need to make a difficult decision. I tend to lead the conversations - have we thought about xyz, etc? If I don't, he just lets me make all the decisions which gets overwhelming.
2. How much our parents do for us and are always here to help.
Post by librarychica on Apr 18, 2017 12:37:05 GMT -5
1. Respect. Respect for each other's boundaries, needs, wants, thoughts and efforts.
2. Bluntness. I have had to learn to say bluntly and loudly what I need because H isn't very good at intuiting that kind of thing. It's a trait I have developed and not one that comes naturally. He listens, though, and I don't mind so it works out fine.
3. Love. It sounds sappy, but I never have to worry that even when my family isn't getting along (as we aren't right now) that we will work it out because we all love each other and no one wants to hurt or take advantage of anyone else.
1. Teamwork/understanding. I feel like you have to jump in there and do whatever needs to be done, especially once you have kids. Nothing is my job or his job. Also, I've learned to just show him some grace. Sometimes he gets cranky, sick, etc. and that's ok. I try not to dwell on it because he is pretty awesome the majority of the time. He does the same for me and it's nice not to have to be perfect.
2. I bring the fun stuff, lol. DH is awesome at doing all the practical things, but I'm the one who does the extras. I make our house a home, plan and schedule activities/trips, make holidays special for the kids, coordinate social/family stuff, buy what we need, etc. Sometimes I drive him crazy but he also says that I make him look good.
3. That I can count on them at any moment. If I needed somebody to come get me now, they'd drop everything and be here. If I needed money, it'd be mine in a heartbeat. I have an awesome home team.
1. What is the most important thing to you for a successful marriage/relationship with your SO/relationship with your hypothetical SO? --Kindness in all aspects of our life. If we can be kind to one another, then we can do anything. God, that sounds like one of those motivational posters.
2. What do you feel is the most important thing that you bring to the marriage/relationship/hypothetical relationship? Would that be different if you were with someone else? --I am very good at seeing the big picture, it works well now, because H can't see the whole picture, but can figure out the logistics when I explain it. I don't know if that's my best trait, but it works for us.
2. With regard to your immediate family (your parents, your siblings, your kids - or whoever filled/fills those roles for you), what are you most grateful to be able to take for granted? --My mom and step dad moved across the country to be closer to us and be able to have a relationship with their grandchildren. I am eternally grateful for them and so thankful my kids will know, actually know, their grandparents.
1. What is the most important thing to you for a successful marriage/relationship with your SO/relationship with your hypothetical SO? Respect. Everyone in a relationship should feel respected.
2. What do you feel is the most important thing that you bring to the marriage/relationship/hypothetical relationship? Would that be different if you were with someone else? I would say my selflessness. I'm always giving which can be a great thing for H but it isn't always great for me though. I'm not sure if it would be different. I'm naturally a giver and put my feelings aside so it would likely follow me.
2. With regard to your immediate family (your parents, your siblings, your kids - or whoever filled/fills those roles for you), what are you most grateful to be able to take for granted? the relationship DS has with my parents and brother. The bond they all have is wonderful and I'd be sad if they didn't have that.
1. What is the most important thing to you for a successful marriage/relationship with your SO/relationship with your hypothetical SO? Shared values and a shared vision of our future path.
2. What do you feel is the most important thing that you bring to the marriage/relationship/hypothetical relationship? Would that be different if you were with someone else? Selflessness/hardwork. I'm both type A in wanting to be on top of things and fairly other-focused in wanting to go above and beyond. I think this would come out in any relationship, but DH definitely brings this out in me because he is more type B and oblivious/lazy. I could see myself being more laid back if my SO were more type A and did more giving and less taking.
2. With regard to your immediate family (your parents, your siblings, your kids - or whoever filled/fills those roles for you), what are you most grateful to be able to take for granted? I take for granted that are families are a big help. My parents are retired and live 10 minutes away, which is a big part of how DH and I are both able to pursue careers and have kids.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Apr 18, 2017 21:45:01 GMT -5
1. Teamwork. I like to think we're on a team together.
2. Being able to organize big things needed for our future - education, finances, large purchases. Also being able to explain what's going on in any social interaction to him. He's so clueless about both sometimes. On both of these things I take the lead because I'm stronger there relative to him. If I was with someone who had either of these things as a strength, I would be happy not to take the lead. But then I'd probably have to do more dishes and laundry. I have a hard time imagining that.
2. With regard to your immediate family (your parents, your siblings, your kids - or whoever filled/fills those roles for you), what are you most grateful to be able to take for granted?
It's not too difficult getting a baby sitter or other similar support because our family is close. That's really really nice. Actually my parents used to be closer more able bodied than they are now, and I'm realizing how that makes things much much harder and more complicated. But they are still a wonderful support network.
1. Being all-in. It hasn't always been that way, but I know both DH and I are completely committed to our family and making it work.
2. Hard work. I make all the money and still carry a decent load at home. I sometimes think it would be nice to not be the major breadwinner, but honestly I'm not sure I could handle that. I'm a control freak, so not being in control of our major income stream? Um, no.
2 again. Health. My dad had multiple sclerosis. He walked with a cane and suffered from a lot of pain and double vision. He died in his 40s, when I was a teenager. I am acutely aware every day how lucky we are to be healthy. Also, I take for granted that DH will absolutely 100 percent support my career ambitions. I know I'm lucky in that.
1. Open communication- talking about problems, getting things out in the open rather than festering with resentment. Talking about ways you can be more supportive for your partner and make their life easier and vice versa.
2. Organization and time management skills- DH is way too into ignore-it-and-it'll-go-away about certain things (not relationship things, but concrete house/home/health things). DH has said i've helped his confidence a lot since we met, so maybe from his perspective it'd be supporting him and believing in him through grad school and his career. i think this would definitely change if i was someone else, depending on his personality.
3. i'm grateful that we live in the same town as my mom and that she picks the kids up from DC and is available for all those oh-shit-who's-going-to-watch-the-kids moments. she's our only dependable grandparent.
Post by somebabiesmom on Apr 20, 2017 13:54:56 GMT -5
So...this was kind of a S/O of last week's discussion about monogamy. I noticed that no one said monogamy was the most important thing about their relationship with the SO. Anyone have any thoughts about that considering that it's a dealbreaker for so many people? Based on whatever you answered for the first question - if that thing was absent, would that be a dealbreaker? Also if you couldn't bring what you bring to the relationship (in question 2), would that be a dealbreaker?
Of course, no one has to answer this. I'm just having deep thoughts today. If anyone is feeling cerebral, I'm your girl! I'm also home with a sick kid so I have some time...
To answer my own questions: I answered "generosity" for the first Q. It has come close to being a dealbreaker for me, but we haven't gotten there yet. MH has become more generous over time. Hoping that continues. Monogamy is deeply problematic, but not a dealbreaker for me. I answered "honesty" for the second Q. If I couldn't be honest, that's an absolute dealbreaker. I don't know how to be anything but honest (unless I'm deluding myself which happens often enough...).
1. My first answer was respect. I feel like if he respects me then he will be monogamous. If he didn't then he wouldn't. That might be a very black and white view of the situation, but It is what I believe. We have discussed what would be a deal breaker for us and infidelity is definitely one for both of us. If respect wasn't there it would be a deal breaker. My second question was honesty. If I wasn't honest with him it would be a deal breaker as well. He has trust issues.
Post by judyblume14 on Apr 20, 2017 14:48:57 GMT -5
Follow-ups: 1) Would it be a deal breaker if (partnership and appreciation) were absent? Probably not. I'd be considerably less happy, which I suppose, could end up snowballing. While my H is usually an outstanding partner, he very seldom verbalizes his appreciation. I've actually only just recently realized how important that is to me. We talked. He's shown appreciation much more lately.
2) If I didn't always show gratitude, would that be a deal breaker? LOLno. He doesn't care. Which probably means that I did a prro job answering this question to begin with.
Monogamy. Ugh, that's tough. I just can't imagine it being an issue (I'm sure EVERYONE says that). If my husband were to cheat on me, I don't know if I'd ever forgive him. But I also don't know if I'd leave. Three years ago, I probably would have without question. But kids... they complicate things. He's an incredible father. And I realize he could continue to be an incredible father even if he were no longer my husband. But man - 15 years. Maybe I'm just too lazy to think about starting over? On the other hand, I wouldn't want my girls to think that breaking marriage vows is an okay thing to do. But on my third hand, I want to teach them forgiveness as well.
Post by billybumbler on Apr 21, 2017 14:09:39 GMT -5
Re: monogamy, I don't think it's a deal breaker. I would probably forgive a one time thing, just sex. I wouldn't forgive him being in a relationship with someone else, sharing things that are intimate to us and our family, a long time affair, that sort of thing.
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