How are you all doing?

[aprilz81]

The last few weeks were tough for me.  Trying to get pregnant again has brought back all the feels and the BFN was more heartbreaking than I expected.

I'm also not looking forward to Mother's Day.  My husband is not the most empathetic guy (he has many good qualities but that is not one of them) and while he doesn't think I should "just get over it" I suspect he will ignore Mother's Day.  I can't imagine what would be worse, him ignoring it or him getting me something.

I'm also struggling what to get him for Father's Day.  For Christmas I got him a wood engraved keychain with Ava's name and heartbeat so the special momento of our time with her has already been given.  

[Deleted]

*hugs* April. Sorry for the bfn.

***TW: LC mentioned***




I'm doing meh. Some days are better than others. As we quickly approach my rainbow's first birthday I'm having a lot of emotions. I'm really missing Jackson and it makes me even more sad that he's missing out on all these things he should be here for. And all the things R is missing out on that her brother should be here for. Ugh. I don't know that those feelings will ever go away, though.

[Deleted]

Also not looking forward to Mother's Day. I get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. I don't know that it'll ever be a happy holiday.

[aprilz81]

May 5, 2017 12:26:24 GMT -5 @led said:

Also not looking forward to Mother's Day. I get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. I don't know that it'll ever be a happy holiday.

Last year didn't bother me (after a loss, near the due date of that loss) but I was also pregnant with Ava and hopeful.  I thought about our miscarriage and that we should have a new baby, but it was an early loss so wasn't quite as painful as I think this year will be.

[heartpresidents]

I'll join the "not looking forward to Mother's Day club". It falls on Lincoln's angelversary this year and I'm just dreading it.

[aprilz81]

May 5, 2017 13:46:31 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

I'll join the "not looking forward to Mother's Day club". It falls on Lincoln's angelversary this year and I'm just dreading it.

That is just cruel...  (((heartpresidents)))

[Deleted]

May 5, 2017 13:46:31 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

I'll join the "not looking forward to Mother's Day club". It falls on Lincoln's angelversary this year and I'm just dreading it.

I'm so sorry. That's so tough that they fall on the same day. *Hugs*

[heartpresidents]

Thanks ladies I needed to get that out today.

[iheartbroccoli]

Hugs to everyone.

heartpresidents Ugh, I'm so sorry the anniversary falls on Mother's Day this year. Hugs.

I'm doing ok, Easter was pretty hard for me. Knowing that Theo would have been old enough to be participating in some of the Easter activities was really hard, harder than last year. Also have no idea what I'll be doing for MH for Father's Day. He says he doesn't want anything, but he says that about every holiday/birthday and I don't want to overlook him.

[heartpresidents]

iheartbroccoli Sorry Easter was rough, holidays are so hard. And it especially sucks that it doesn't get easier.

[professormcgonagall]

I will be thinking of everyone this Mothers Day and wishing you a peaceful and gentle day.

I've been doing ok. May 7 was the day I found out I was pregnant last year so yesterday was a little rough.
I started taking Zoloft which has been helping a lot.
I'm starting a new job as a barista on Weds so hopefully that will help me keep my mind busy.
DH mentioned to me yesterday he wants to start trying again as soon. As we can. We were told two years in between deliveries so we have about 6 or so months until we have the ok. The thought of trying again scares me. I know what happened to Alex was a one in a million thing that shouldn't happen again but it's scary to think I could go through that heart break again.

[heartpresidents]

professormcgonagall, trying again is so scary.

***lc mention***



But whatever you do, don't forget we're here if you need support through it. I don't know if I could have gotten through my rainbow pregnancy without the support of other loss moms. It's a difficult journey to be sure.

[peaseblossom55]

So sorry for the BFN aprilz81, I hope you soon get your BFP.

Two weeks ago we went to the Remember the Children event for the second time at the hospital where we lost Anne.liese. I am so glad we made the time to go and honor her memory.

*****TW LC*****
I look forward to Mother's Day and having a child to celebrate this with, even though she has no clue. I feel like lately my grief has been more on Maggie. I should be worrying about two babies right now. I wonder what she would look like and how similar to E she would or wouldn't be. I spend too much time sometimes in that awful world of 'what ifs".

I also get worried b/c of what happened to my previous babies, that something bad will still happen to E and we will loose her somehow. It doesn't happen often but sometimes it does creep into my mind.

My therapist is moving and while I most have been doing ok, it worries me she won't be around if I do need an appointment. I'm not really going to find another one at this point.

[Deleted]

May 8, 2017 8:50:14 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

I also get worried b/c of what happened to my previous babies, that something bad will still happen to E and we will loose her somehow. It doesn't happen often but sometimes it does creep into my mind.

*hugs* This happens to me all the time. I hate it. It's so hard to shake that feeling.

[peaseblossom55]

May 8, 2017 9:26:25 GMT -5 @led said:

May 8, 2017 8:50:14 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

I also get worried b/c of what happened to my previous babies, that something bad will still happen to E and we will loose her somehow. It doesn't happen often but sometimes it does creep into my mind.

*hugs* This happens to me all the time. I hate it. It's so hard to shake that feeling.

I'm so sorry it happens to you.  It's an awful feeling, but I am glad I am alone in that though.

[heartpresidents]

May 8, 2017 10:18:05 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

May 8, 2017 9:26:25 GMT -5 @led said:

*hugs* This happens to me all the time. I hate it. It's so hard to shake that feeling.

I'm so sorry it happens to you.  It's an awful feeling, but I am glad I am alone in that though.

Same here. I try so hard not to let myself go down that road for too long because it's a dark place for me, but it's hard.

[peaseblossom55]

May 8, 2017 11:24:05 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

May 8, 2017 10:18:05 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

I'm so sorry it happens to you.  It's an awful feeling, but I am glad I am alone in that though.

Same here. I try so hard not to let myself go down that road for too long because it's a dark place for me, but it's hard.

The second the thought creeps in I try to get rid of it. It's a dark and scary place.

[shandorfml2]

May 5, 2017 13:46:31 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

I'll join the "not looking forward to Mother's Day club". It falls on Lincoln's angelversary this year and I'm just dreading it.

Big hugs honey...that sucks. 

[shandorfml2]

I'm OK. Haven't though to terribly much about mother's day yet. As the years go by (four years since my DD died) it gets a little easier....or different. *LC warning* I just had my second rainbow, a girl. It has given me all the feels about not having DD1 here....everything I missed, and how I want all three of my children here together. It has been hard. I am however, so very blessed. It was not an easy journey to get my two rainbows. I am also struggling with being "done" having babies. I always wanted three...and I have three....but, DD isn't here and I will only be raising two on earth. My c-section was rough and my OB recommends no more babies. It's just all so hard to manage. Though, I think even if I went on to have 1, 3, 5 more babies, I'd still feel incomplete because Ana is not here.


sending love to everyone

[heartpresidents]

May 9, 2017 5:25:38 GMT -5 shandorfml2 said:

I'm OK. Haven't though to terribly much about mother's day yet. As the years go by (four years since my DD died) it gets a little easier....or different. *LC warning* I just had my second rainbow, a girl. It has given me all the feels about not having DD1 here....everything I missed, and how I want all three of my children here together. It has been hard. I am however, so very blessed. It was not an easy journey to get my two rainbows. I am also struggling with being "done" having babies. I always wanted three...and I have three....but, DD isn't here and I will only be raising two on earth. My c-section was rough and my OB recommends no more babies. It's just all so hard to manage. Though, I think even if I went on to have 1, 3, 5 more babies, I'd still feel incomplete because Ana is not here.


sending love to everyone

Congratulations on #3!
I understand the struggle with the number of children, but I agree with your point about always feeling incomplete. Sometimes I think I want one more, then I think two more, then I realize that no matter what, my family will never feel "complete" here on earth. It's just so hard.

[peaseblossom55]

shandorfml2, hugs I struggle with whether or not I am done on an almost daily basis. I don't know if my family will ever feel complete really. It's really hard no matter what.

[fikafairy67]

*LC mentioned*

@led, heartpresidents, peaseblossom55, I get those same feelings of anxiety that somehow something will happen to our sunshine LC. Even completely irrational ones - I can't tell you how many days/times I look back his booster seat on my way to work after dropping him off, JUST to make sure.

I'm doing about as well as all of you. I'm not really looking forward to Mother's day either, despite our sunshine DS. We announced to my parents last year on Mother's day about DD (well before we knew she was a girl), and I just kind of want to stay put with my DH and DS. I may go set up a consult for the tattoo I want to get for her.

I think we are going to wear our fundraiser shirts and have photos taken sometime soon, maybe this weekend or next weekend. My cousin designed a shirt for us to help raise funds towards IVF/PGD, and since our Molly Bear is here now too, I think it would be a great photo. The shirts are a deeper purple, with the quote "Where there is love, there are always miracles" on it, with angel wings, a halo, and tiny little feet, all in white. Our Molly bear is lavender with purple feathers stitched to the front, so I think it will match really nicely.

I'm trying to stay positive about IVF working for us, I just go through phases where I have a hard time holding onto the hope that it will work, and that we will ever have our rainbow baby. We have been given a pretty scary outlook if we were to conceive again on our own, with the same blood type.

[jrun2013]

I would say that I'll have a stretch of a few good days, then some bad days. Today marks exactly five months since Ha.llie was born. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my IUI. I just miss her and I wish that she was here with us.

[sandj918]

LC mentioned

I would say I'm sinking deeper into depression. I started Prozac a month ago but it's just giving me a IDGAF attitude. H wants more kids and I'm getting even more entrenched in my desire to not ever try again. We're coming up on one year since I found out I was pregnant with Eli.zabeth and I'm just so sad she's not here. It's been hard seeing my oldest (12 yo) mourn the loss as well.

[heartpresidents]

sandj918, I'm so sorry the depression is getting worse. Did you let the doctor know the Prozac isn't exactly helping things? Is talking to a counselor an option? This journey sucks.

cardhard, The first birthday is terrible, I'm sorry. They all suck, but I feel like the first was the worst. Such a punch in the face. I wish I could help, but all I can do is send hugs!

[sandj918]

May 12, 2017 13:34:28 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

sandj918, I'm so sorry the depression is getting worse. Did you let the doctor know the Prozac isn't exactly helping things? Is talking to a counselor an option? This journey sucks.

cardhard, The first birthday is terrible, I'm sorry. They all suck, but I feel like the first was the worst. Such a punch in the face. I wish I could help, but all I can do is send hugs!

Thanks for asking. I am currently seeing a counselor. I probably need to see a psychiatrist for medication. My OB prescribed my meds but I think she's probably out of her realm.

[heartpresidents]

May 19, 2017 21:32:11 GMT -5 sandj918 said:

May 12, 2017 13:34:28 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

sandj918, I'm so sorry the depression is getting worse. Did you let the doctor know the Prozac isn't exactly helping things? Is talking to a counselor an option? This journey sucks.

cardhard, The first birthday is terrible, I'm sorry. They all suck, but I feel like the first was the worst. Such a punch in the face. I wish I could help, but all I can do is send hugs!

Thanks for asking. I am currently seeing a counselor. I probably need to see a psychiatrist for medication. My OB prescribed my meds but I think she's probably out of her realm.

I feel the same way about my OB. Whenever we talk about how I'm feeling about things I just feel like he's out of his realm. I'm so far outside his regular patients. Let me know if you find a type of doctor who you find more helpful!

[jennifer123]

I can understand how hard this must be for you. Just don't lose hope. It is indeed a very difficult journey. One has to be strong! I know it is easy said than done. However, to be motivated is very important. Good luck to you. I know such days can be really disturbing. The journey is like a roller coaster in itself. There are soo many highs and lows. However, I believe one thing that really helps the situation is a good clinic. Therefore, research properly. Make sure the clinic you visit has a high success rate. They should be operating legally as well.

[hindee]

Hey, your post made me emotional. I am really sorry to hear about your loss. I can understand how recovering after that can be really hard. However, I am sure things will be fine. Just take care of yourself. It is important to eat healthy food. Also, start doing light exercise. This will really help you and your body.