Post by scoutradley on May 16, 2017 8:23:22 GMT -5
It's obviously completely up to the grads and other participants, but personally I'm sure that they have knowledge that could be helpful to those of us on here now.
For me, CAL is defined by two primary characteristics: it's a safe space where we share an incredible depth of knowledge. We need grads to continue the second part of this legacy.
On a sidenote, I've seen a couple grads pop up in the feed who are TTC again but haven't returned to this board. Of course there's a million reasons why they might stay away, but I - for completely selfish reasons - want them to come play with us again!
All of this.
Also, I think it would be helpful with the side note part of this to clarify who qualifies as TTCAL. I've heard it clearly stated before that if you've had a rainbow since your loss(es) and a TTC another child, you don't belong on this board. That it's basically only for those who are "fresh" off a loss. But to me, that seems kind of like restricting things to only people who are actively TTC or who have no LC or some other unnecessary restriction. None of us are in the same space because we are different people living different lives, and how one person feels through their TTC process is not going to be exactly the same as another; creating these barriers as if being a loss mom goes away after having a rainbow just doesn't make sense to me.
I can say as both a grad and someone who has returned to this board that I didn't turn into some naive, loss-ignorant person TTC a 2nd rainbow. And now going into my 4th round of TTC, each and every time has been different and had its own challenges and difficulties. Since our first loss, though, the AL part has been consistent and thrown up it's ugly little head more repeatedly than anything else. I went to the TTCAL threads on GKU before this most recent loss because I needed a space where I could connect that AL piece with some other women, and I wasn't sure if I was welcome here.
Post by shandorfml2 on May 18, 2017 7:51:29 GMT -5
I posted in CAL while trying to conceive both my rainbows...I feel like TTCAL/CAL has been my "home" for four years, since I lost DD1. This board is much slower than TTCAL on the dump was, and I feel as long as LC aren't mentioned, it hasn't been an issue. I felt much more comfortable on the CAL board than GKU just because of the mind fuck of loss. Plus, I like to keep tabs on my AL ladies
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13 BFP #2 8/7/14 Rainbow DS born 4/2/15 Started adoption process July 2016 BF#3 8/29/16 DD2 born 4/21/17
At this point, with how slow the boards are, as long as LC are't mentioned, all should well welcome to post here.
This has been my feeling as well, but I have not wanted to step on any toes.
For those grads who do post here, instead of a siggy warning, there is the ability (on the computer and mobile, but not on Tapa) to disable your siggy.
If you can't do that, then I think a sig warning is still the way to go if there are tickers/pictures/etc.
*sig warning* *grad*
Can I ask a follow up to this? I'm almost always on mobile and don't see how to disable my siggy but do I still need a *warning* if my ticker is in a spoiler? I lurk and would love to continue chat with you ladies where appropriate (if people don't flee for SM) but don't know how to disable a sig and thought a spoiler was enough...
Post by therealbug on May 18, 2017 22:50:23 GMT -5
@elida, thank you for starting this
Who the fuck is saying grads who are TTCAL after having a rainbow are not welcome? This upsets me greatly. Being child free has never been a requirement of the CAL board. Period. We ask anyone who has an LC to just not talk about their LOs on here. It's not hard.
If you have had a loss and are trying to conceive, you are welcome. If you have had a rainbow and are trying for a second, you are still welcome because we understand that the fear that comes with being a loss mom does not magically go away just because you graduated. You are still afraid of having another loss. Miscarriage and pregnancy loss are things you do not just get over because you had a rainbow.
I think we have an issue with not being able to see siggies on Tapatalk that makes the AL welcome difficult to now use.
What if we stick with the general acceptance that grads can post on threads where they can give knowledge based answers?
They can start their post with ***grad/sig warning*** to clearing show they are a grad so people can skip their response if need be?
This is also recognizing that grads will use common sense in choosing when to respond.
Finally, grads can love tit to their hearts content. That is the rule and it never changed. You just see a name and no siggy. It's a great way to let those people who have not graduated know that we still are here, rooting for you and that we have not abandoned you.
therealbug I honestly think that is a carryover from TB. I definitely remember when I was new to TTCAL (so March-April 2012) a poster being told she had had her rainbow and to go to TTGP while TTC.
Thanks - I just don't remember it here at all. Even at TTCAL we had people trying for a second rainbow. It just blows my mind.
+1 to everything therealbug said. I never got the impression that those ttc a second rainbow weren't welcome here. In fact several of our former regular posters had LCs they just we're never discussed (and if it was completely necessary to mention them appropriate warnings we're given) and it was never an issue. I also agree with @wickedcandy that with how slow this board has gotten it may be helpful to have grads chime in more if they gave knowledge to share on a topic.
Also, you all know I lurk and love tit my ass off over here and I don't have any plans to change that (unless we all leave, then I'll just do the same on SM).
I'm always mobile. Always. I have no idea what's in my siggy, lol. I'm not sure it's been updated in forever. That being said, I will say that I've felt a certain unwelcome vibe about posting, adding knowledge, etc. Admittedly, I've not been as active because lyfe, so it may have changed.
I'm always mobile. Always. I have no idea what's in my siggy, lol. I'm not sure it's been updated in forever. That being said, I will say that I've felt a certain unwelcome vibe about posting, adding knowledge, etc. Admittedly, I've not been as active because lyfe, so it may have changed.
Your sig has a spoiler with loss history. Just an FYI.
therealbug I honestly think that is a carryover from TB. I definitely remember when I was new to TTCAL (so March-April 2012) a poster being told she had had her rainbow and to go to TTGP while TTC.
I don't remember it from TB, but I wasn't near that point so I may have ignored mention of it. After we came here, though - and I was a grad at that point - I remember it coming up and it was made clear by one or two longtime members. It stood out to me because I was very surprised.
therealbug I honestly think that is a carryover from TB. I definitely remember when I was new to TTCAL (so March-April 2012) a poster being told she had had her rainbow and to go to TTGP while TTC.
I don't remember it from TB, but I wasn't near that point so I may have ignored mention of it. After we came here, though - and I was a grad at that point - I remember it coming up and it was made clear by one or two longtime members. It stood out to me because I was very surprised.
I'm sorry. If you are trying to conceive after a loss then my understanding as the mod of this board is that you are welcome here. It does not matter how long ago that loss was and if you had a rainbow in between because you are still trying to conceive after a loss. There is not a time limit on being mentally fucked up by a loss and the fears that go with trying to conceive.
If you are a grad and are not TTC then CAL has protective rules in place. Grads could post on threads started by people with AL welcome in their sigs where they could offer knowledge. Sig warnings are required as well as no tickers or pictures of babies in siggies. Because of the lack of being able to see siggies on tapatalk, I think going to a general "grads can post where they can provide knowledge with proper warnings".
It really would be like telling someone that had a LO, then had a loss, that they could not post here because they already had an LO. NO!!!!! What does it matter the order the loss and child came in? A loss is a loss is a loss.
renegadewhit, you mean grads who are TTC again after a rainbow or just grads in general? I'm not trying to discredit your feelings just want to make sure I'm understanding. For me, I don't think TTC after a loss would be any different as far as the need for support even after having a successful pregnancy. Obviously, grads who are returning would have to follow the rules and not mention LCs or have tickers in their siggies, but beyond that I think they are still experiencing the mind fuck of TTC after a loss and still need the support of this community. This is especially the case for those who are AL and having IF issues, because in those cases TTC could be a very long process. I just don't think having a rainbow would significantly change my AL mindset when TTC again. I do understand that it hurts to be lapped because it happened to me several times during my time here as well but as long as it's not being rubbed in my face I do think they belong here. Also, I too was so happy to see a bit of a revival of this board with some new members joining several weeks back but the activity seems to have significantly died down again recently. I think this place could benefit from more activity and I hate the idea of anyone who is struggling with TTC after a loss not feeling welcome here.
renegadewhit, I don't want to speak for everyone but I would guess a lot of people feel sad/hurt when they see a grad come back and know they've been lapped. I know I did! So no, you're not alone at all. I just don't think the solution is not to let grads come back because I know they need this place too. I also don't want to tell people who would be hurt that they have to deal with it. I just don't know the right answer.
As far as a solution to the subject of grads with rainbows and TTC again posting on CAL, I believe a sub board was created for those who were TTC a sibling after a loss and/or rainbow, but it died out pretty quickly.
Yeah, that's kind of the problem I think. There are not currently enough members from either group to make up an active board. I hate to see this group die. I also hate that you feel like you have nowhere to go.
So, the statement about grads not being able to come back when ttc again rubbed me wrong. I was TTCAL forever. Yes, it hurt being lapped, but I was always genuinely excited when one of my mamas graduated. Why? Because this shit is hard and if we can't celebrate each other why are here? I want to feel like that if we decide to ttc again that I have a landing spot. I want to be able to rejoice with mamas that have good things happen and hold them when they don't.
I am not trying to stir the pot or devalue anyone's feelings, I am stating how I feel I the subject. I want to know that this can be a safe place for me too.
Post by sarcaztic10 on May 19, 2017 16:22:33 GMT -5
I lurk this board a lot because it has always felt like home but I only LT occasionally because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I will start LTing everything again if everyone wants to know I am spying on them.
I have often wondered if I should/would come back here when/if we start actively TTC rainbow #2 (we are basically NTNPing now so I don't belong yet) but I think I would because again this is home. I spent 3 years on the TTCAL board and it will always be a great support with people who get it. I get that ladies feel a certain way about being lapped and I get that, I really do. I was lapped a few times but I know that they deserved to be here because their fear is just as real as my fear was.
Just voicing my dissent - I felt really uncomfortable with grads coming back to be active CAL members. I had been on CAL for a long time, and getting "lapped" and constantly reminded of it was really hard. I personally wouldn't be comfortable coming back to CAL as a grad because I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.
I still lurk CAL all the time, and I'm happy to provide insight where I can if the post has AL welcome in the title. And of course I lovetit it seems like there's been a recent influx of new members, and while I hate that anyone would have the need to join the loss boards, it makes me so happy to see more posting in this community.
This is why grad posting needs to be discussed, so thank you for sharing your feelings. I sincerely hope that none of what I say comes across as minimizing that pain, because it's valid and it matters. This is an important discussion to have.
TTCAL 6+ is sort of the response to this issue (grads/lapping), because it affects those who have been here the longest. It's a specific issue/set of issues that doesn't apply to everyone on CAL, so in theory the main CAL board hosts the threads that apply to anyone/most people here, and then 6+ gives that safe space within a safe space. It's obviously not a perfect solution to avoid all of that potential pain, but I think it has an important place in this discussion.
But my main point is that I think telling certain AL parents that they can't be in their safe space when TTC violates the spirit of these boards in a big, big way. Returning grads certainly need to be thoughtful and sensitive, but we have board rules for that. A lot of things hurt AL; we are all in different places and different things will be painful or tolerable to each of us. So this board does its best to minimize those things for the majority of people, but we can't get rid of all of them. And I don't think that barring some people from the board because of life circumstances is a good solution.
Can we get some current TTCALers perspective? I feel like a lot of grads are posting, but we aren't hearing from you. So, how do y'all feel? Be honest, we are all friends.
Can we get some current TTCALers perspective? I feel like a lot of grads are posting, but we aren't hearing from you. So, how do y'all feel? Be honest, we are all friends.
Just voicing my dissent - I felt really uncomfortable with grads coming back to be active CAL members. I had been on CAL for a long time, and getting "lapped" and constantly reminded of it was really hard. I personally wouldn't be comfortable coming back to CAL as a grad because I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.
I still lurk CAL all the time, and I'm happy to provide insight where I can if the post has AL welcome in the title. And of course I lovetit it seems like there's been a recent influx of new members, and while I hate that anyone would have the need to join the loss boards, it makes me so happy to see more posting in this community.
Thank you for sharing this. This is my biggest fear and why I've refrained from being active on this board again. I know this has been brought up more then once in the past and I sincerely want to be sensitive to all members of our loss community.
I am currently TTCAL, but I don't know where to go and I certainly don't want to cause any additional hurt to anyone. For now, I'll lurk and offer support when I can (with Siggy warnings of course).
And this hurts my heart. For the newbies, @mattsgirl2004 is an oldie who spent a long time on TTCAL/CAL and provided tons of support. I'm not going into her history since graduating but she absolutely should feel that this board is a safe landing place while she is TTCAL again.
And I'm not trying to minimize renegadewhit's perspective or feelings. Being an oldie on this board year after year and being lapped sucks big time. It really does but we cannot stop offering support to one group because they had a rainbow. It is just wrong.
And it bothers me because this was not the culture on TTCAL/CAL when I joined in 2012 or when we migrated here.
As far as the TTCAL a sibling board, that came about because there were some members who either had LOs pre-loss or we're trying for a second rainbow who were not willing to leave their LOs out of the board (and for the most part is was non-grads). By that I mean the board was littered with LO trigger warnings and certain posters bitching about daycare issues and SOs not stepping up. Comments that I think we can all agree were not appropriate on this board. The creation of that sub board was never meant to exclude people that had LOs whether grads or not. Many stayed on our board and posted with some people having zero idea that they had a LO at home. It was to give a landing space for those who were TTCAL but refused to exclude comments and pics of LOs from their daily/weekly posts.
Post by sarcaztic10 on May 19, 2017 19:33:56 GMT -5
Can I just say that I love that we can all have a conversation with differing opinions but in the end we still come together and love and support one another.
Seriously gives me all the warm fuzzies. I may have even shed a tear thinking about how much I love you all and this community.
Post by oldbaylover1024 on May 19, 2017 19:36:40 GMT -5
*** grad, siggy warning ***
Let me start by saying that CAL and TTCAL hold a special place in my heart. I was lapped a bunch on TTCAL on TD and it's really hard. Super hard. I hope my comments below don't hurt anyone.
I found tremendous support from grads when I was TTCAL. The women were respectful, gave warnings, listened, and provided advice no one else could. I would not have had the testing I did or asked the questions I did without their information. They changed my life.
I know other grads want to be there for you in a similar capacity. I know they want to answer questions and help. But there is always a fear of hurting feelings. Since moving here from TD, I haven't felt comfortable doing that. Maybe it's because it was a new board. Maybe I felt disconnected.
But I think with the right warnings or even thread titles so we know when we can comment (ex.: Testing Question, grads welcome), grads CAN help. We want to follow the rules. And I know I would love to pay it forward, so to speak.
The ultimate decision regarding grad input is yours. But please please know that we're here for you.
PAL May '17 Siggy Challenge: Picnics - Feminist Picnic
Two MM/C 1/09/12 & MM/C 4/26/12 BFP#3 - Rainbow #1 born 5/11/13 via unplanned C-section Two CP 11/23/15 & 5/13/16 BFP#6 - Rainbow #2 born 2/10/17 via planned C-section
Well I'm new here so I'm going to go with the diplomatic answer and say whatever the other posters decide.
Andplusalso due to health problems, H and I decided tonight to bench TTC for who knows exactly how long, so I guess I don't really go here anymore.
Nope. You belong here. I belong here. There are a few of us here that are not ttc. If you've had a loss..recent, long ago, ttc, or not..this is home. By this, I mean the community of AL.
I guess as a grad and someone who is TTC at some point in the near future, I felt like this was the place I wanted to be. I didn't realize until all of the mentions of siggies that I may have had one and I don't remember if there were spoilers or not or what was up there. So I sincerely apologize if it was up there. The loss community is a place I never imagined i would belong, but I hope you all know that I would never leave it up there purposefully. I know how painful that is. I made the switch to Tapatalk and thought nothing more of it bc I'm a doofus. 😞
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