How are you today? The bad and the good

[nikolie93]

This is a great idea, theophania!

Hope everyone is doing well today *hugs*

Edit: I wanted to do a shout out to cabgirl and let her know we are thinking about her while she has her d&c today. I hope things go well, please let us know how you're doing when you feel up to it! 

[Ann612]

theophania, I hate that out of control feeling.

How are you doing today? Okay. I have the saline sonogram later so I'm focusing a lot of energy on getting through that.

What are your struggling with? Yesterday was tough. I was traveling for work, and I had the trip planned when I was still pregnant. So of course I thought I would be pregnant on it. It was hard to stop the constant thoughts of "I was supposed to be pregnant on this trip"

Tell us something good in your life? Sunday I have some fun plans with 2 great friends. We are all looking forward to it!

[followthesun]

theophania, this is such a wonderful idea. Thank you for starting this.


How are you doing today?
Not so hot. Puffy eyes and overtired from crying at bedtime.
What are your struggling with?
Yesterday one of the teachers brought in gender reveal cupcakes that I had to walk past all day. The EDD was five days after mine. Held it together all day but cried to my running partner and my hubs. A lot.
Tell us something good in your life? I am back to working out and eating right. T25 is awesome and I appreciate the endorphins!

[Ann612]

theophania enjoy that drink at least!

[chiapet]

Great idea theophania! I hate the out of control feelings. They are overwhelming. ((HUGS)).

How are you doing today? I am tired. Still not sleeping and having horrible nightmares. Plus, I might have a UTI so back to the doc I go at some point.

What are your struggling with? The reality. I think it is setting in that I am no longer pregnant and we have to do the whole TTC thing again. I also have no appetite and am worried about that... called my therapist from California, just waiting on his call back.

Tell us something good in your life? Tomorrow there is no school and we get the day off. I am taking a "Me Day." Going to the city and getting my hair done and a massage. Plus there will be some shopping involved and probably a lunch date with myself. I need this day and have been looking forward to it all week.

[chiapet]

followthesun, endorphins are the BEST!! Good for you for getting back out there. I am going to buy new running shoes tomorrow and hopefully start running again. It's the best natural high.

Ann612, I can relate to your struggle. I keep thinking how I was supposed to be pregnant during my birthday and wasn't going to be able to drink, or we were going to have our bundle of joy for the holiday season. Ugh, it's killing me.

[Ann612]

chiapet, exactly! I don't know why, but that kills me more than a lot of other triggers. We were invited to a wedding 2 weeks before I was supposed to be due and I lost it because we shouldn't be able to go (it requires travel)!

Enjoy your me day!

[jumpingpuddles]

Thank you for this! I need it today. Fought with my H last night over scheduled sex TTC which sucked because I'm tired and cranky today, and also because we have shitty timing now. But, the bigger issue that kept me up is me thinking how it is not fun right now TTC and I'm just so bitter at how happy I was last time. I should be pregnant, I shouldn't be dealing with this shit, and I'm so mad. And I'm mad that he clearly isn't as invested in this as I am and it makes me feel even more disconnected and alone. I'm close to just throwing my hands in the air and saying fuck it and taking a break, but I want it so bad.

I guess my one thankful in this is my body has bounced back quick and cycles are normal.

Hugs all around for listening and for everyone else's struggles.

[Ann612]

jumpingpuddles, I'm sorry you are feeling that way and you and your DH are "off".

As excited as I was to get my period and to start trying again, now that I am over that little bit of a honeymoon, I am feeling the anger. I was supposed to be DONE with the cycles of timing, blood tests, and ultrasounds.

[Ann612]

Feb 19, 2015 13:12:38 GMT -5 theophania said:

*hugs* jumpingpuddles, I felt that way TTC after my loss as well. TTC on its own is suck a mind fuck to add in TTC after loss and everything involved with that, it's just a mess. I'm sorry you're struggling. It's good your body seems to be bouncing back well though.

I feel this exactly.  I'm happy I got pregnant, but it does make it somehow harder now.  

[followthesun]

chiapet,it sounds like things are not easy, but you should be proud of the steps you are taking to care for yourself. One foot in front of the other!

jumpingpuddles, Ann612, for what it is worth I think the two of you are incredibly brave for making the leap back into TTC. I'm already panicked at the thought, despite the fact that I also desperately want to try again. I'm still benched for now, so I will try to get my courage up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you both.

[cabgirl]

nikolie93, thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and checking in on me. It means a lot.

How are you doing today? I had my D&C this morning. I feel empty and hopeless.
What are your struggling with? I'm so angry. Angry at the nurse in recovery who had a photo of her baby pinned to her shirt next to her badge. Angry with my husband because he's going out of town the first week of April, and I might be fertile then (I had forgotten he was going til he reminded me several minutes ago, and now I don't want him anywhere near me). Angry that I did everything I could, everything I was supposed to do, to the point of meticulousness, and loved my baby more than I ever thought I could love anything, and it died anyway. Angry at myself for being angry and not grieving with my husband like a normal woman would.
Tell us something good in your life? I know there's plenty, and I should be grateful, but I just can't today. Maybe for the Norco my doctor prescribed.

Edit: Wrote March instead of April!

[jumpingpuddles]

Feb 19, 2015 14:12:00 GMT -5 followthesun said:

chiapet,it sounds like things are not easy, but you should be proud of the steps you are taking to care for yourself. One foot in front of the other!

jumpingpuddles, Ann612, for what it is worth I think the two of you are incredibly brave for making the leap back into TTC. I'm already panicked at the thought, despite the fact that I also desperately want to try again. I'm still benched for now, so I will try to get my courage up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you both.

Thanks you- but while it may seem like it's courageous, I kinda feel like waiting is more courageous. Giving yourself time to fully heal is admirable. I wish I knew when was the right time- all I know is my impatience won't let me wait, and since my doctor said to go for it, here I am....

[nikolie93]

Feb 19, 2015 14:33:16 GMT -5 cabgirl said:

nikolie93, thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and checking in on me. It means a lot.

How are you doing today? I had my D&C this morning. I feel empty and hopeless.
What are your struggling with? I'm so angry. Angry at the nurse in recovery who had a photo of her baby pinned to her shirt next to her badge. Angry with my husband because he's going out of town the first week of March, and I might be fertile then (I had forgotten he was going til he reminded me several minutes ago, and now I don't want him anywhere near me). Angry that I did everything I could, everything I was supposed to do, to the point of meticulousness, and loved my baby more than I ever thought I could love anything, and it died anyway. Angry at myself for being angry and not grieving with my husband like a normal woman would.
Tell us something good in your life? I know there's plenty, and I should be grateful, but I just can't today. Maybe for the Norco my doctor prescribed.

Please know that this anger can be very normal, and it will pass and then you will grieve. You just had your d&c, you can't be so hard on yourself please? *hug*

[jumpingpuddles]

Feb 19, 2015 14:33:16 GMT -5 cabgirl said:

nikolie93, thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and checking in on me. It means a lot.

How are you doing today? I had my D&C this morning. I feel empty and hopeless.
What are your struggling with? I'm so angry. Angry at the nurse in recovery who had a photo of her baby pinned to her shirt next to her badge. Angry with my husband because he's going out of town the first week of March, and I might be fertile then (I had forgotten he was going til he reminded me several minutes ago, and now I don't want him anywhere near me). Angry that I did everything I could, everything I was supposed to do, to the point of meticulousness, and loved my baby more than I ever thought I could love anything, and it died anyway. Angry at myself for being angry and not grieving with my husband like a normal woman would.
Tell us something good in your life? I know there's plenty, and I should be grateful, but I just can't today. Maybe for the Norco my doctor prescribed.

It will get better, I promise it will. Until then, be easy on yourself. You should be angry, it sucks. I still feel angry at the world sometimes. But there will come a day that you won't need to cry, and then 2 days in a row, and you'll make it through. You'll be forever changed, but you'll heal.

[cabgirl]

nikolie93 and jumpingpuddles, I don't know either of you, but your kindness means more to me right now than I can say. Thank you.

[nikolie93]

That's what we are here for!

[jumpingpuddles]

I know how hard it is, and how much the kind words of others helped me. I'm happy to pay some of that forward.

[Ann612]

Feb 19, 2015 14:34:09 GMT -5 jumpingpuddles said:

Feb 19, 2015 14:12:00 GMT -5 followthesun said:

chiapet,it sounds like things are not easy, but you should be proud of the steps you are taking to care for yourself. One foot in front of the other!

jumpingpuddles, Ann612, for what it is worth I think the two of you are incredibly brave for making the leap back into TTC. I'm already panicked at the thought, despite the fact that I also desperately want to try again. I'm still benched for now, so I will try to get my courage up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you both.

Thanks you- but while it may seem like it's courageous, I kinda feel like waiting is more courageous. Giving yourself time to fully heal is admirable. I wish I knew when was the right time- all I know is my impatience won't let me wait, and since my doctor said to go for it, here I am....

This is almost word for word what I would have replied myself!

[Ann612]

cabgirl

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through what you did today. That nurse can go suck an egg. How insensitive.

I was angry too. Still am from time to time. And then I get angry that there is no one to direct my anger at.

As for your DH, don't beat him up too much on the timing. He didn't know, and your body could be so wonky after the D&C you can't really predict that you will be ovulating then. And even if you were, I think most doctors would advise against getting pregnant before at least one period. And that first period can be very hard to predict.

Anyway, I do promise it gets better. Not great yet, but some days are pretty good. We are all here for you no matter what. Take care of yourself today.

[cabgirl]

Feb 19, 2015 16:38:03 GMT -5 Ann612 said:

cabgirl

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through what you did today. That nurse can go suck an egg. How insensitive.

I was angry too. Still am from time to time. And then I get angry that there is no one to direct my anger at.

As for your DH, don't beat him up too much on the timing. He didn't know, and your body could be so wonky after the D&C you can't really predict that you will be ovulating then. And even if you were, I think most doctors would advise against getting pregnant before at least one period. And that first period can be very hard to predict.

Anyway, I do promise it gets better. Not great yet, but some days are pretty good. We are all here for you no matter what. Take care of yourself today.

Thank you so much. You're absolutely right; I actually mis-typed. He's leaving the first week of April, not March. However desperate I feel now, I know I need to wait for a period. It was just my sadness talking. I apologized to DH for getting upset with him.

[chiapet]

cabgirl, ((hugs)) it gets better.

[vivela]

How are you doing today? Not great today. Very hung over after a fun night with family and a lot of wine, but the hangover is just reminding me that I wouldn't be drinking if things were different. And that I should be taking better care of myself rather than the "fuck it, I'm doing what I want" attitude I'm slipping into.

What are your struggling with? I'm struggling with taking care of things in my life. The house just seems to get messy ten minutes after I clean. I'm having trouble denying myself anything I want, which is basically leading to a lot of terrible eating and drinking. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for a follow up, and I'm not excited to have a conversation about my u/s and what we should do about the retained tissue.
I'm on a week vacation from school right now, which is actually probably part of the problem. I tend to do better with structure, so I'm just kind of floating right now. I think going back to work on Monday will be good for me.

Tell us something good in your life?
My sisters and mom are in town, so I went to dinner with them, DH, and my sister's boyfriend. We had a really good time, they are all fun, supportive people. I didn't think about my miscarriage once for the whole dinner, and it has only been a couple weeks.
At this point, I feel like my life was smashed up, but now I'm rebuilding it, which makes me feel productive. I'm hoping that the one redeeming part of this whole experience is that I'll be a better, stronger person at the end of it. It can be hard not to give in to anger or resignation, but I do think that in the long run those emotions are not going to win.

[vivela]

P.S. I like the idea of this thread. I think this is the kind of board people are mostly on temporarily, so it is good to foster a sense of community for ourselves, but also the people who will end up here in the future looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

[followthesun]

vivela, I can so relate to these issues. I gained 5 lbs just from eating and drinking after my miscarriage, and my house and desk at work were a wreck. Only now, over a month out, am I able to get myself back into gear. But, I still have my moments. Be kind to yourself, feel what you feel when you feel it, and keep hoping for better days for all of us.

[kristikayy26]

Thanks for posting this. I took some time away from the boards, as I just felt very bitter and not supportive at all. But, I'm feeling better. Big (HUGS) to all who need them.

How are you doing today?
Today I feel good. I haven't cried in 2 days. We spoke with the doctor about TTC and DH and I forgave ourselves, even though we both know it wasn't anything we did.

What are your struggling with?
Struggling with the "when". Doctor said we can go ahead and start TTC as soon as I get a period, and DH would like to start then, but I don't know if we will. Too much struggle.

Tell us something good in your life?
DD2 is thisclose to taking her first steps. It is unreal on how fast this first year went. Also DD1 is finally making some good progress in speech therapy.