Thursday Family/In-Law Rant

[angelasashes]

Let's hear 'em! I can't be the only one heavy-sighing over here!

[angelasashes]

I'll get the ball rolling...

So this weekend we are celebrating DH's birthday. Much of his family is local, and his overly involved mom still likes to plan him birthday parties. Not ONE, but TWO parties. One with just immediate family, and another with extended family. She of course has all kinds of strong opinions about when these parties should take place, and tries to make sure her gifts are the biggest and most expensive. DH is her youngest and they're now empty-nesters, so I get that she's struggling to find her place in his life. But seriously, the woman just cannot let go. When put on the spot I managed to "claim" Saturday for just DH and I, in between "family dinner" Friday and huge, exhausting extended family extravaganza Sunday. Since putting my foot down about Saturday, she has tried 3 times to change her plans to Saturday. QUIT IT, LADY!!!!!!!!!!

I just feel like I've signed myself up for a life of struggling to create my own little family with DH and our little one. His family is enmeshment city, and I really want to kinda do our own thing sometimes and not get grief and guilt over it!

[veenie]

H is pissed because he found out his dad (77 yo) won't retire because he has to pay SIL'S rent. Every.single.month. She's a single mom, I get that things can get tight from time to time. But stop giving your 2 year old 50oz of organic milk every day. You want to know why she can't poop. Because she needs FOOD with fiber, not milk. In a bottle, nonetheless, the that is another rant.

MIL needs to stop bailing her out. She makes enough money to support herself and a child 99% of the time. I just realized that when her parents are no longer able to bail her out she is going to come to us for money and help. HELL NO. You are 42 years old. Figure it the fuck out, that's what adults do. She has already lived in a place of ours rent free for almost a year, and asked for money for groceries. We have our own family and bills, we aren't supporting your too.

That was probably long winded, bit it feels good to get it out.

[rocksforludo]

Feb 19, 2015 13:02:18 GMT -5 veenie said:

H is pissed because he found out his dad (77 yo) won't retire because he has to pay SIL'S rent. Every.single.month. She's a single mom, I get that things can get tight from time to time. But stop giving your 2 year old 50oz of organic milk every day. You want to know why she can't poop. Because she needs FOOD with fiber, not milk. In a bottle, nonetheless, the that is another rant.

MIL needs to stop bailing her out. She makes enough money to support herself and a child 99% of the time. I just realized that when her parents are no longer able to bail her out she is going to come to us for money and help. HELL NO. You are 42 years old. Figure it the fuck out, that's what adults do. She has already lived in a place of ours rent free for almost a year, and asked for money for groceries. We have our own family and bills, we aren't supporting your too.

That was probably long winded, bit it feels good to get it out.

My mom mentioned in passing that MIL once told her she's going to give all her assets away so she can qualify for Medicaid.  I don't know if this is true or not and we're going to talk about the IL's financial planning in depth soon.  I'm preparing myself to tell MIL: do what you want, but when you're in a shared room in a crappy nursing home at the age of 80, don't come crying to us because you hate it.  We won't have any money to give you.

[angelasashes]

veenie, WOW! That's ridiculous. 42 years old and relying on her parents to pay for everything? Ugh.

[brose1117]

I'm too tired to type a vent about my in laws but I'm right there with you ladies. They drive me crazy! Last night DH and I had a holiday talk regarding how things will change after LO arrives. I hate that I know they are going to give us such a big deal about our decisions but you live 3.5 hrs away and make no effort to see us other than on holidays! Because of this we have always given them all holidays basically, but LO is not spending all his holidays traveling to see them and away from my family. Can't wait to have a discussion with them. Yey! :/

[veenie]

angelasashes 2 family birthday parties for any adult is ridiculous and over the top! I hope he supports finding a balance!

[veenie]

Feb 19, 2015 13:07:07 GMT -5 rocksforludo said:

Feb 19, 2015 13:02:18 GMT -5 veenie said:

H is pissed because he found out his dad (77 yo) won't retire because he has to pay SIL'S rent. Every.single.month. She's a single mom, I get that things can get tight from time to time. But stop giving your 2 year old 50oz of organic milk every day. You want to know why she can't poop. Because she needs FOOD with fiber, not milk. In a bottle, nonetheless, the that is another rant.

MIL needs to stop bailing her out. She makes enough money to support herself and a child 99% of the time. I just realized that when her parents are no longer able to bail her out she is going to come to us for money and help. HELL NO. You are 42 years old. Figure it the fuck out, that's what adults do. She has already lived in a place of ours rent free for almost a year, and asked for money for groceries. We have our own family and bills, we aren't supporting your too.

That was probably long winded, bit it feels good to get it out.

My mom mentioned in passing that MIL once told her she's going to give all her assets away so she can qualify for Medicaid.  I don't know if this is true or not and we're going to talk about the IL's financial planning in depth soon.  I'm preparing myself to tell MIL: do what you want, but when you're in a shared room in a crappy nursing home at the age of 80, don't come crying to us because you hate it.  We won't have any money to give you.

Whaaaaaaaat? That's her retirement plan? Wtah?

[Powermom]

This weekend is the 5th anniversary of FIL's passing. We are going out to a big dinner with the whole fam on Sunday night (during a rain/sleet/ice storm) and I'm already dreading it. MIL gets hammered and all pilled up at all of these occasions (including when we have to go out for his bday as well as their wedding anniversary). It's been 5 years and you have a boyfriend. We all miss FIL so much but is it necessary to be hammered for all of these occasions?! You were so annoying last time that DD told me "mommy Grandma keep noying me" (annoying me). When a 2yo says you're annoying, it's time to stop

[angelasashes]

Feb 19, 2015 13:18:54 GMT -5 veenie said:

angelasashes 2 family birthday parties for any adult is ridiculous and over the top! I hope he supports finding a balance!

I totally agree. And the same situation is in play for every other member of the family. His mom plans 2 parties for BIL, FIL, SIL, me, grandkids, and...herself. It's AWESOME! SIL and BIL have 3 kids of their own, and "mama" is still planning and hosting parties like they're 5 years old. : / I don't think anyone has the heart to take the party planning away from her. "Luckily," for alllll the other extended family members (and their kids), we only do one party each. Don't even get me started on the madness that is holiday time. 

DH is always very supportive when I voice my feelings about all the family functions, but since he's grown up with his mom he doesn't see things like I do, and things don't bother him. I'd love it if from now on we could combine parties into one per person, but I think MIL may string me up for that. 

[rocksforludo]

Feb 19, 2015 13:26:32 GMT -5 angelasashes said:

Feb 19, 2015 13:18:54 GMT -5 veenie said:

angelasashes 2 family birthday parties for any adult is ridiculous and over the top! I hope he supports finding a balance!

I totally agree. And the same situation is in play for every other member of the family. His mom plans 2 parties for BIL, FIL, SIL, me, grandkids, and...herself. It's AWESOME! SIL and BIL have 3 kids of their own, and "mama" is still planning and hosting parties like they're 5 years old. : / I don't think anyone has the heart to take the party planning away from her. "Luckily," for alllll the other extended family members (and their kids), we only do one party each. Don't even get me started on the madness that is holiday time. 

DH is always very supportive when I voice my feelings about all the family functions, but since he's grown up with his mom he doesn't see things like I do, and things don't bother him. I'd love it if from now on we could combine parties into one per person, but I think MIL may string me up for that. 

That's nuts. 

[rocksforludo]

Feb 19, 2015 13:21:07 GMT -5 veenie said:

Feb 19, 2015 13:07:07 GMT -5 rocksforludo said:

My mom mentioned in passing that MIL once told her she's going to give all her assets away so she can qualify for Medicaid.  I don't know if this is true or not and we're going to talk about the IL's financial planning in depth soon.  I'm preparing myself to tell MIL: do what you want, but when you're in a shared room in a crappy nursing home at the age of 80, don't come crying to us because you hate it.  We won't have any money to give you.

Whaaaaaaaat? That's her retirement plan? Wtah?

That's what I said.  I'm just hoping my mom misunderstood or something.  They have money.  To do that takes resources away from people who are on Medicaid that really need it and have no other options. 

[veenie]

Feb 19, 2015 13:26:32 GMT -5 angelasashes said:

Feb 19, 2015 13:18:54 GMT -5 veenie said:

angelasashes 2 family birthday parties for any adult is ridiculous and over the top! I hope he supports finding a balance!

I totally agree. And the same situation is in play for every other member of the family. His mom plans 2 parties for BIL, FIL, SIL, me, grandkids, and...herself. It's AWESOME! SIL and BIL have 3 kids of their own, and "mama" is still planning and hosting parties like they're 5 years old. : / I don't think anyone has the heart to take the party planning away from her. "Luckily," for alllll the other extended family members (and their kids), we only do one party each. Don't even get me started on the madness that is holiday time. 

DH is always very supportive when I voice my feelings about all the family functions, but since he's grown up with his mom he doesn't see things like I do, and things don't bother him. I'd love it if from now on we could combine parties into one per person, but I think MIL may string me up for that. 

Are these combined for people that have birthdays close together? That is so much time and money!

[angelasashes]

LOL! Powermom, if something's obvious to a 2-year-old, it should be obvious to EVERYONE. Wow.

[scattered]

disclaimer: I usually really like my MIL. I don't care for my FIL and I really cannot stand my H's older sister.

So in September, like before my pee stick was even dry, my SIL (H's little sister) asked me to be in her wedding. I did the math and declined, because I would be 34 weeks. I have been on bed rest twice at 34 weeks. She wanted me in it anyway, just in case, blah blah blah. So, both my kids are in it, and so is H.

On Monday my OB basically said no way to traveling for her wedding (it's about three hours away). So, I called my MIL and told her, because I wanted to see what she thought I should do re: the rest of us being in the wedding.

HOLY EPIC FREAK OUT BATMAN! She hints that Ava wasn't going to be the flower girl anymore, because if I wasn't there then no one would be able to watch her. Ahem. HER FATHER WILL BE THERE. Instead of telling me this directly, she turns it around and is all "Oh, Ava cannot be away from you from that long, we know she's so attached to you, it'll be too hard for her....etc etc etc."

So my H calls her and says Ava will be fine and he plans to drive down with the kids the day of the wedding, which is Saturday. Nope. MIL insists no one will watch her and she'll miss me too much. H basically says he can handle his own daughter and if she is implying otherwise then none of us are coming. MIL's response? "Oh, well I'm not saying she can't come, I'm just saying no one will be here to watch her. But you should still come Friday and bring Jack."

Uh, okay.

[angelasashes]

Feb 19, 2015 13:36:54 GMT -5 veenie said:

Feb 19, 2015 13:26:32 GMT -5 angelasashes said:

I totally agree. And the same situation is in play for every other member of the family. His mom plans 2 parties for BIL, FIL, SIL, me, grandkids, and...herself. It's AWESOME! SIL and BIL have 3 kids of their own, and "mama" is still planning and hosting parties like they're 5 years old. : / I don't think anyone has the heart to take the party planning away from her. "Luckily," for alllll the other extended family members (and their kids), we only do one party each. Don't even get me started on the madness that is holiday time. 

DH is always very supportive when I voice my feelings about all the family functions, but since he's grown up with his mom he doesn't see things like I do, and things don't bother him. I'd love it if from now on we could combine parties into one per person, but I think MIL may string me up for that. 

Are these combined for people that have birthdays close together? That is so much time and money!

To their credit, they did recently start to combine parties for people within the same month. The battle being waged now is whether or not to buy gift (really gift cards, which to me is just like trading money with absolutely no thought behind it) for adults. It created an absolute uproar that some people didn't want to shell out money for adult gifts. We somehow settled on "you can bring a card if you want, candy, and lottery tickets." Side eyes for days. 

[meandmylove]

I just don't want to go out to eat with DH's grandparents this weekend. they are not my cup of tea but I try to be nice for DH.

[mrstwiddy]

So we had my daughter's birthday party a couple weeks ago, and I was talking to the girl who took pictures for us (she's a coworker and a friend.) She said "How is your relationship with your mil? Is she really sensitive?"

I asked her why and apparently my mil managed to work into conversation several times at my daughter's birthday that they (my in laws) are "strangers" to my daughter, and she doesn't know them. I make every effort to involve them at every turn but I am not a fucking cruise director and I do not have the time or patience to set up weekly play dates and roll out the red carpet. They are welcome to come visit any time they want, but I am sick and tired of the pity party.

[frig0018]

I had to listen to my SO's mother talk about how awful her trip to Mexico was and how having a "bowel movement" gave her "cramps in her anus." For 2 hours. On Valentine's Day.

[viola]

Feb 19, 2015 13:37:57 GMT -5 scattered said:

disclaimer: I usually really like my MIL. I don't care for my FIL and I really cannot stand my H's older sister.

So in September, like before my pee stick was even dry, my SIL (H's little sister) asked me to be in her wedding. I did the math and declined, because I would be 34 weeks. I have been on bed rest twice at 34 weeks. She wanted me in it anyway, just in case, blah blah blah. So, both my kids are in it, and so is H.

On Monday my OB basically said no way to traveling for her wedding (it's about three hours away). So, I called my MIL and told her, because I wanted to see what she thought I should do re: the rest of us being in the wedding.

HOLY EPIC FREAK OUT BATMAN! She hints that Ava wasn't going to be the flower girl anymore, because if I wasn't there then no one would be able to watch her. Ahem. HER FATHER WILL BE THERE. Instead of telling me this directly, she turns it around and is all "Oh, Ava cannot be away from you from that long, we know she's so attached to you, it'll be too hard for her....etc etc etc."

So my H calls her and says Ava will be fine and he plans to drive down with the kids the day of the wedding, which is Saturday. Nope. MIL insists no one will watch her and she'll miss me too much. H basically says he can handle his own daughter and if she is implying otherwise then none of us are coming. MIL's response? "Oh, well I'm not saying she can't come, I'm just saying no one will be here to watch her. But you should still come Friday and bring Jack."

Uh, okay.

WTF? Is there an ulterior motive there? Do they have a different flower girl lined up or something? That is sketchy as fuck

[veenie]

I thought the same thing viola!

[viola]

I had a really awkward conversation with my mother yesterday in which I informed (reminded?) her that she wont be living with us forever. We'll be buying her a condo in a year or so. Lady, you're in your 50s and will probably live forever. GTFO. That was never the plan anyways! This was a temporary situation until we got her established. Now she's all passive aggressive and "hurt" like I told her we're kicking her out and she has to live on the streets. I can't even follow her thought process. Did she really think I would want to live with my mother for the next 20+ years?!

[veenie]

Feb 19, 2015 14:51:00 GMT -5 @blackpearl08 said:

Feb 19, 2015 13:02:18 GMT -5 veenie said:

H is pissed because he found out his dad (77 yo) won't retire because he has to pay SIL'S rent. Every.single.month. She's a single mom, I get that things can get tight from time to time. But stop giving your 2 year old 50oz of organic milk every day. You want to know why she can't poop. Because she needs FOOD with fiber, not milk. In a bottle, nonetheless, the that is another rant.

MIL needs to stop bailing her out. She makes enough money to support herself and a child 99% of the time. I just realized that when her parents are no longer able to bail her out she is going to come to us for money and help. HELL NO. You are 42 years old. Figure it the fuck out, that's what adults do. She has already lived in a place of ours rent free for almost a year, and asked for money for groceries. We have our own family and bills, we aren't supporting your too.

That was probably long winded, bit it feels good to get it out.

Hey, did sister talk y'all into adopting her?

I feel like she's my child sometime. Like the time she asked us to buy her a Halloween costume, and got pissed when I said no. She was 36 :eek:

[veenie]

Feb 19, 2015 15:14:47 GMT -5 @blackpearl08 said:

veenie my sister turns 51 this year. About a decade ago I told her that I was giving her no more money but my mom makes up for what I don't give.

That's aggravating! At least you got out! My mom was a single mom, so it simultaneously makes me feel sorry for her and get pissed at her.

[kgnordman]

MIL informed BIL that she will need knee replacement surgery (no she hasn't seen a doctor for this) and will need to recover where the BR is on the first floor. I love this since she has a new extreme ailment every few months. (My fave so far was last year when she started sobbing to my H that she has vaginal bleeding, which is cancer and she's going to die. Her son was 30, took the day off from work to bring her to OBGYN and u/s. 1.5 years later, she has yet to get any results.) Also, times like these that I love that I have a small house. No way is she living with us.

[kudlica]

These alway make me feel better... Without them I would feel like I'm the only person with crazy in laws....

My MIL suggested we send our child to daycare so DH doesn't have to watch the baby one day a week. She thinks it would be too much for him.

She's also throwing me a baby shower, which is nice, however.... I have never met over half the people on the list (her friends.)

[Starbuck128]

Powermom Were you the one who played designated driver for your plastered ILs and after the drive found out your MIL had an open container in your car? If so, that's one heck of a mid life crisis she's having. Good luck with that.

[mariisz]

Today I found out my brother and SIL have planned to spend the last week of April at Disney to celebrate my nephew's first birthday. I love my nephew to death but he is 1. He has already been to Disney and I highly doubt he will remember it.
I am due May 2nd and my family has always been just my brother and my mom. She raised us on her own so I have a different bond with my brother. If I go into labor and he is 5 hours away in Orlando it is not really convenient to go rush to the hospital.
They even invited my mom and she was like "um no, if your sister goes into labor I have to be there".
Maybe I'm overreacting but I always pictured my older brother being there. Obviously my SO being there should be enough.
Ugh. Hormones.

[Powermom]

Feb 19, 2015 17:08:18 GMT -5 Starbuck128 said:

Powermom Were you the one who played designated driver for your plastered ILs and after the drive found out your MIL had an open container in your car? If so, that's one heck of a mid life crisis she's having. Good luck with that.

Yup, that would be me. Designated driver while she sang "the wheels on the bus" while drinking a stolen glass of vodka in my car. I know you're jealous of me and my amazing MIL

The sad part is, she's been like this for 10 years.....but until 5 years ago, FIL was always there to bring her back to reality. Now he's gone and she's a disaster

[viola]

Feb 19, 2015 19:26:43 GMT -5 mariisz said:

Today I found out my brother and SIL have planned to spend the last week of April at Disney to celebrate my nephew's first birthday. I love my nephew to death but he is 1. He has already been to Disney and I highly doubt he will remember it.
I am due May 2nd and my family has always been just my brother and my mom. She raised us on her own so I have a different bond with my brother. If I go into labor and he is 5 hours away in Orlando it is not really convenient to go rush to the hospital.
They even invited my mom and she was like "um no, if your sister goes into labor I have to be there".
Maybe I'm overreacting but I always pictured my older brother being there. Obviously my SO being there should be enough.
Ugh. Hormones.

I hope he makes it back in time