How to say no?

[katemonster]

What's the best way to turn down a baby shower? During an email exchange, an old coworker offered to host one for me. I'm flattered and grateful for the offer, but just don't feel comfortable. Any ideas?

[ECB]

Why exactly are you uncomfortable? With the idea of a shower at all, or who it is that is offering? That might help me formulate an answer.

But past that, I simple "Oh thank you so much for the offer. That's very generous of you. However, I'm going to pass.". That IS an answer! But if I know more about the 'why', I might be able to add on a sentence.

[katemonster]

Feb 24, 2015 9:17:53 GMT -5 ECB said:

Why exactly are you uncomfortable? With the idea of a shower at all, or who it is that is offering? That might help me formulate an answer.

But past that, I simple "Oh thank you so much for the offer. That's very generous of you. However, I'm going to pass.". That IS an answer! But if I know more about the 'why', I might be able to add on a sentence.

I guess I feel like we aren't close enough friends to warrant a shower. In thinking about it more, I guess it's more that I don't want to impose or for people to feel like they have to do it. I was closer with that group of friends a few years ago and we've sort of drifted apart. Maybe I'm overthinking it and should just agree?

[ECB]

Feb 24, 2015 10:17:51 GMT -5 katemonster said:

Feb 24, 2015 9:17:53 GMT -5 ECB said:

I guess I feel like we aren't close enough friends to warrant a shower. In thinking about it more, I guess it's more that I don't want to impose or for people to feel like they have to do it. I was closer with that group of friends a few years ago and we've sort of drifted apart. Maybe I'm overthinking it and should just agree?

O.k. - so tell me more, then.  How long ago did you work with her?  Who is it that she wants to invite to this shower?  Of these guests, who are they in your life and do you see/socialize with these women at all?  If yes, when/ how often?  If not, when was the last time you saw them and what kind of contact do you have?

I don't think you have to be best buddies w/ someone to have a shower, but at the same time, if you don't see this woman (or the women she wants to invite) often at all and/or don't even have much contact - I would feel uncomfortable too.  Because if you aren't close, there may be people who are invited who are a little "Um... why?" about it.   THAT is what would make me feel the most uncomfortable.  To be invited to a shower IS being asked to buy a gift, and I just couldn't see doing that with people who really aren't a regular part of my life.

[helenahhandbasket]

Why can't you just say exactly what you are saying to us?

You are flattered, but you don't feel comfortable accepting.

[Deleted]

"Susan, thanks so much for the offer. However, I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting, so I'm going to have to politely decline. I really do appreciate that you thought of me though."

[katemonster]

Feb 24, 2015 10:27:25 GMT -5 ECB said:

Feb 24, 2015 10:17:51 GMT -5 katemonster said:

I guess I feel like we aren't close enough friends to warrant a shower. In thinking about it more, I guess it's more that I don't want to impose or for people to feel like they have to do it. I was closer with that group of friends a few years ago and we've sort of drifted apart. Maybe I'm overthinking it and should just agree?

O.k. - so tell me more, then.  How long ago did you work with her?  Who is it that she wants to invite to this shower?  Of these guests, who are they in your life and do you see/socialize with these women at all?  If yes, when/ how often?  If not, when was the last time you saw them and what kind of contact do you have?

I don't think you have to be best buddies w/ someone to have a shower, but at the same time, if you don't see this woman (or the women she wants to invite) often at all and/or don't even have much contact - I would feel uncomfortable too.  Because if you aren't close, there may be people who are invited who are a little "Um... why?" about it.   THAT is what would make me feel the most uncomfortable.  To be invited to a shower IS being asked to buy a gift, and I just couldn't see doing that with people who really aren't a regular part of my life.

I worked there 7 years, but left 2 years ago. I have kept in touch with a few people, but not many. It was a close work environment when I was there and we were friends outside of work. I think if they kept it small it would be okay. I was just imagining people who I haven't talked to in 2 years getting an invite and thinking wtf...the person who offered I haven't seen in a out a year.

[ECB]

Feb 24, 2015 12:23:40 GMT -5 katemonster said:

I worked there 7 years, but left 2 years ago. I have kept in touch with a few people, but not many. It was a close work environment when I was there and we were friends outside of work. I think if they kept it small it would be okay. I was just imagining people who I haven't talked to in 2 years getting an invite and thinking wtf...the person who offered I haven't seen in a out a year.

I would say this much, then.  Tell her that you appreciate the offer.  Ask who was she envisioning inviting.  Then say that you've only kept in touch w/ a few people and wouldn't feel comfortable inviting anyone beyond them.  if she seems cool with that, then accept.  If she gives any pushback and starts to claim that "OH! Everyone would love to see you!" and what not, then politely decline. 

[katemonster]

Got this resolved - thanks everyone! I shared my concerns and we decided to skip it. I'm relieved.

[Deleted]

I'm glad you skipped it. I had to listen to someone complain that someone was throwing them a baby shower. Not sure why she didn't just decline- and I guess maybe she had fun in the end, but it was all people she hadn't seen in years, and she wasn't close with the host anymore, so that was why she was complaining about it. But who wants to go to an event hosted for them, if they don't actually want to go type thing.