Family that purposely won't stick to registry.

[madelyndaphney]

Let me give you some background first.

My parents are divorced, so it's always been mom's family vs dad's family. So I'm having two showers. One with my mom and all of my friends, and another my step-monster is throwing for her family and my dad's. Along with just plain ol' not getting along with my dad and stepmom for a plethora of reasons, they have never in the history of my life given a crap about my wants or needs. They always know best, no matter what.
So my dad has made it clear on several occasions that he and my grandparents on his side have no intention on gifting me anything on my registry because, "well most of it is online only, so how can we touch or feel it and decide if we like it or figure out why you would like it?" and "we're going with a sort of theme, i think you'll like what we picked out."

Background on me: unexpected first pregnancy and BD wants no involvement. I had to stop working pretty much at the start of my second trimester because of pregnancy complications, so saving money has been impossible for me. So my entire family KNOWS this, and knows and have acknowledged that the reason for my shower is to help me out with basic needs that I otherwise would be able to afford on my own, but can't.

So I'm irritated, because I spent a lot of time researching/comparing the things on my registry and picked it all for a reason. It's all basic: bottles, stroller, car seat, crib, mattress, none of froofy "fun" stuff. And my dad refuses to stick to it, because he/the family don't know if THEY will like the items? I mean, doesn't it only matter if I will like them? Since I'm the one who'll be using them for DD?

Obviously I seem ungrateful. Maybe I am? I am lucky that anyone wants to help me out at all, but it's the history of them not giving a crap about my thoughts/concerns that bothers me about the situation. Does that make sense? It's not "the thought that counts" with them, because they do these types of things purposefully without giving my thoughts/needs/wants a second thought.


Have any of you experienced anything like this, and how did you handle it? After I *tried* to talk with my dad about it and he responded with the junk above, my mom told me to just can it and we can return stuff later.

Thanks for reading & for any advice you have to share!

[speedymarie]

Either decline the shower from your dad's side, or grit your teeth, say thank you, and return what you can't use.

You can't tell people what to get you and no matter your financial situation, it is your responsibility to get what you need. Aside from a car seat and crib and bottles, yoy can get pretty much everything else used. Shop Craigslist, and look to see if your area has a spring baby consignment sale - i got a lot of great stuff at mine. There is also a consignment store called Once Upon a Child that has stores in some areas.

[Bluedaisy]

IF you think they don't care about your needs I'd decline the shower.

[xcrissx]

Yes, you sound ungrateful. You cannot dictate what people give you. That is why they are called gifts.
I understand that you've done a lot of research on just basic things-- and so you should know for most basic baby things-- it depends on the baby. Diapers, bottles, pacifiers, etc. -- One that is great for one baby will be hated by another.
I understand that you don't have much money right now so I assume you aren't registering for gear that is super expensive and are rather registering for more basic models? Most basic gear is almost identical except for color/design and bells and whistles.

IMO you should smile, thank people profusely, and be grateful. None of these people are required to provide for your baby.
If you receive something you have found to be unsafe (or if you receive duplicates, or something unnecessary) you can return it and get store credit to buy something you do need.

[madelyndaphney]

I appreciate the input, thank you. Talking me off the ledge and a voice of reason is exactly what I needed to hear!

[Deleted]

Decline the shower or accept, smile, thank people, then return whatever you don't like and get what you do want.

There's no law that says that everyone must stick to your registry when buying you a gift. It's merely a list of suggestions/a list of what you yourself plan to buy (it acts as a reminder so you can keep track). No one is even required to buy you anything at all and trying to dictate how those people spend their money is not acceptable. Again, smile, thank people, donate or return what you don't like or need.

Believe me, I get the frustration of people thinking they know better than you. If it's advice, smile, nod, and ignore it. But for gifts, there's really not a whole lot you can do.

[ECB]

Ditto all the above. My additional advice is to start working WITH who you know your dad to be. not who you want him to be. It will help with the frustration.

[madelyndaphney]

I am a total brat. I don't even know if I can blame this on hormones. Your advice kind of kicked me in the ass and I needed it, I don't know why on earth I was so frustrated with my family. Thanks everybody!

[knitnut]

I'm sure your family can be legitimately frustrating. I agree though that you can either decide to not deal with them and decline or to go in knowing that they probably will get you whatever they want and find ways to return everything you don't need/want. You'll get it all back as a gift card, but it's really easy.

[madelyndaphney]

knitnut,it's the reasons they give me that are frustrating, I guess. And how they go about it. For example my grandmother asked what kind of stroller I'd like to have, and I told her I'd like a Jogger because I frequent all terrain trails. And she purchased a regular 4 legged beast with the reason "you don't jog", and "it was on clearance". So, frustration ensues, haha. I mean, why ask me what I would like then?

[helenahhandbasket]

Gracioulsy accept the shower and any and all gifts you get.

Keep your registry intact, and then cross reference it after your showers so you know what you have still to get.

There are so so so many ways to get baby things on the cheap. Garage sales, Ebay, borrow from friends, consignment shops, second hand stores, online mom groups that trade things back and forth.

But, really these things are trivial in comparison to actually raising your LO. Will you go back to work once baby is here? Who will watch him/her? Daycare can be prohibitivly expensive.

Going forward, make no mention to your dad or step mom about your registry.

And trust me when I say I understand strained relationships between step parents, but if your SM is willing to throw you a shower, she's looking out for you. Take all the help you can get. Being a single mom is hard.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 26, 2015 15:29:14 GMT -5 madelyndaphney said:

knitnut,it's the reasons they give me that are frustrating, I guess. And how they go about it. For example my grandmother asked what kind of stroller I'd like to have, and I told her I'd like a Jogger because I frequent all terrain trails. And she purchased a regular 4 legged beast with the reason "you don't jog", and "it was on clearance". So, frustration ensues, haha. I mean, why ask me what I would like then?

Let it go.  Take the "regular" stroller since it's better than the stroller you had before (which was no stroller).

[jesster88]

If they are shopping at BBB or bru returns will be really easy.

Jogging strollers are pricey so maybe your grandmother was trying to buy you a stroller in her budget so that you would have a stroller at least. Jogging strollers can be really heavy and cumbersome as a primary stroller. You could always return the one she got and buy a used jogging stroller if you really don't like the one you have.

[krissybeck]

I completely understand your frustration because I also have a strained relationship with my dad and his wife.
However, be grateful for what you receive and return what you don't like. They don't have to know that you don't like their gift.

[littlesthobo]

I understand that you are frustrated, and PPs have given great advice to be gracious and return what you don't need. I just wanted to add that at my shower I received items not on my registry, and a lot of them turned out to be really great and super useful! Things I hadn't even thought of as a FTM.

[madelyndaphney]

Thanks again, everybody. It certainly doesn't help that the only person I've got to vent to or talk to about this is my mom, who hates my dad with rage from hell, and kind of encouraged me being a brat about this situation.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 27, 2015 11:02:56 GMT -5 madelyndaphney said:

Thanks again, everybody. It certainly doesn't help that the only person I've got to vent to or talk to about this is my mom, who hates my dad with rage from hell, and kind of encouraged me being a brat about this situation.

I get it, but don't discuss this with your mom any longer either. 

Time for grown up decisions and grown up thoughts.

[knitnut]

Returns at target or Wal-Mart are also incredibly simple. The only down side to target is they have a maximum on how much you can return without a receipt.

[hurricaine]

While I don't think there is anything you can do about this, I understand the frustration. I think you should just grin and bear it, write lovely thank you cards and swap things as needed. Good luck.