AW: non-IF related, very upset **all warnings**

[karenb676]

I can not give any advice on this topic, but will lend an "ear" whenever you need to vent on here.  I can only imagine how scary and stressful this must be for the both of you.   I will send you hugs and well wishes to your Stepson.  I hope your DH will be able to find him the help he needs and that this time will work for him.

[o2girl]

Jan 18, 2015 19:27:12 GMT -5 nomnom said:

*** all warnings ***

MH's younger son (19, recovering drug addict) just almost ODed on heroin. EmTs had to resuscitate him. ER gave the kid something that negateds the effect of heroin, so he's fine now and MH is apparently bringing him back to our house.

I didn't like thw kid for all he's spoiled in our lives already. Now on yhe heels of one of ghe happiest things in a long time, he does this? I cannot go back to MH checking on him multiple times a day and damn near having an anxiety attack if he doesn't hear from the kid for a few hours.

I just want the kid gone. Not dead, mind you, brcause that would hurt DH immeasurably... just have somone else watch after him so we can live our lives and be happy. And I certainly don't want him around while I'm pregnant or have a newborn.

I feel like i have no one to talk to IRL. At least I already have a counselong appt tomorrow afternoon.

Please tell me if I'm over reacting or whatever you think. I feel so lost.

ETA: I'm also afraid the sudden stress will harm whatever I have growing inside me. I have no idea if that is reasonable.

ETA2: I also dpn't feel like I can ask DH to get the kid out of the house because he has nowhere else to go.

Omygosh! This is just awful! Huge (((((hugs)))))

[lemonliz]

I'm so, so sorry nomnom. I know next to nothing about dealing with drug addiction but this added stress must just be eating away at you. All the hugs.

I hope for your step-son's sake, YH finally sees that long term rehab is necessary. Sort of clean is not clean at all for a drug addict.

As for the pregnancy, at this point embroys don't feel the feelings of the mother like they do later in pregnancy so I wouldn't worry about how it will affect your little tweety/ies.

Nonetheless, try to take care of yourself for your own sake! Big hugs.

[remylove1011]

So sorry that you're having to deal with this. I agree with previous posters about doing rehab again. I do think that the halfway house may be a better place for thin after leaving rehab than returning home. Returning home will only allow him to fall back into the same patterns and same group of people that he was in with before. Often time to truly overcome an addiction someone has to start over in a new setting. It's defiantly needed to have all the support that he can have from family, but cutting ties from friends that are also users is important.

[saysjess]

nomnom I'm so sorry for the stress that this is putting on you! Good luck with everything and keep us posted

[lovegrilledcheese]

Just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through all of this. Big hugs.

[bandm14]

Hey nomnom, I'm so sorry to read about what you and YH are going through. I work as an addictions counselor at an outpatient clinic, and we have a Suboxone program so many of my clients are in recovery from heroin/other opiate addictions. PPs have given you some great input. I know that the disease model can be difficult to accept, because we view the decision to start using drugs as a choice. This is true, but there is evidence that people who become addicted have a predisposition to developing dependence on substances... and once that dependence has been established, it is a life-long battle to stay sober.

While I absolutely would support YH's son going to rehab, the biggest thing that I will tell you is this: He will NOT get better unless he finds motivation within himself to do so. I see so many clients that are forced into treatment- whether by a court program, family member, probation officer, lawyer (for DWI cases), etc. As the therapist, I use a lot of motivational interviewing to help them come to their own conclusions about the potential benefits of changing, but in many cases the person will drop out of treatment (or get discharged due to non-compliance) when they just aren't ready. I am not trying to say it's hopeless for YH to try to get him help, but that it's important to recognize that there is only so much you both can do. Although the near-death experience may instill some will to change in him, it's also possible that it doesn't.... addiction is a hard thing to understand, and even facing death is not motivation enough for many people. For example, I have had several clients tell me that when they hear about people overdosing, they try to find the dealer that person used to get some of the same batch-- because if it's strong enough to kill, it's going to give a really intense high.

I hope that you and YH can find some relief, and that YH's son finds the will to fight his addiction. I hear how difficult this has been for you, but try to keep in mind that he is sick with a very devastating illness. One thing that I would suggest is Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings for YH, and you too if you are interested. These meetings provide support for family members, and focus on accepting powerlessness over addiction (much in the same way that AA/NA meetings do, but applying the same 12-steps for those who have addicted loved ones). I sat in on a meeting a few months ago as a learning experience, and found it very powerful.

[tumbleweed]

I'm so sorry for this. This is so unfair. I'm going to give you some blunt advice, because that's the only way I know how to talk about addiction. There are three ways this is going to go for your SS: jail, institution or death. If he is not willing to go to inpatient rehab, for at least 30 days, if not longer, he will continue down the path he is on.

Addiction is a terrible illness that destroys everything it can reach. Like all diseases, it wants to win, and will take out everything in its path. I have been trough this with family members and friends and some of the stories end well and some do not.

You and your H deserve to have this amazing time to enjoy each other and your pregnancy. You cannot be responsible for your adult SS who refuses help. I would highly recommend that you and your H attend some Al-Anon meetings. (al-anon is for friends and family of addicts.) You might find support there, and advice on ways to balance supporting your SS vs. destroying your life.

Here's a link in case you ever want to take a look. www.al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-illinois

I'm so sorry this continues to happen, and especially for the extremely shitty timing. I'm thinking of you and sending strength and hugs.

[tumbleweed]

bandm14 I cross posted with you -- but yes to everything you said!

[lilyharper]

nomnom have you expressed to DH that SS is making you feel unsafe in your home? Also, AlAnon is a great resource, as bandm14 and tumbleweed said. It does sound like DH needs to stop rescuing, as hard as it is. Heroin's no joke, SS isn't getting caught smoking pot at school anymore, he's taking something lethal. So far he's nearly wound up in jail and now he could have died. And the fact that the police won't prosecute or insist that he be given more treatment is ridiculous. I'm really sorry, this must be so hard, especially since he isn't your son, and I'm sure that makes it more difficult for you and DH.

[nomnom]

DH and my counselor agreed to have DH come to my appointment tomorrow. I've told DH that I cannot live with his son given his recent conduct and I don't think it is healthy for DH or his son. I advocated in-patient rehab leading to a halfway house as the best option. We cannot make his son do any of it, so I suggested to DH that he think about other options and consider if he can/will enforce a change if his son is unwilling or drags his feet.

bandm14 Thank you for your suggestions. I will talk with MH about them.

tumbleweed Blunt is fine. Easier to understand and more concise :-). I've been afraid of going down with him to some degree for a long time now. DH says he doesn't want to face that either, but his actions do not always follow that. I hope an hour with the counselor is enough tomorrow.

lilyharper The drug problems in our town have increased in recent years. We are trying to leave. Thanks to the state of Illinois, MH's son's legal and medical expenses, and the cost of IVF, it will take us 2-3 years of working and renting out 2-3 rooms in our house to make it fiscally viable to leave.

[LavishPeach]

I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with! I don't really have any new advice to add, but I wanted to show my support.

I hope I'm not out of line here, but as a former step-daughter, it often hurts to hear step-parents say their step-child is getting in the way or has spoiled something for the "new" family. The children of divorced/widowed/etc. parents did not choose this and often put aside their own feelings about the new spouse because they want their parent happy. But it is always upsetting for a child (no matter the age) if you feel your parent has started a new life and there's no room for you in it.

You mentioned some serious incidents that occurred around the time of some big life events for you and YH. Is there any chance your SS is "acting out" because he's having a hard time adjusting to the new family dynamic? Perhaps in addition to in-patient rehab and a halfway house, you could look into some family counseling. If he is afraid of being left out of his father's "new life", it could help him see that you both want to include him.

Again, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I hope your family can come together and that your SS accepts the help he needs. **Hugs** to you.

[tumbleweed]

nomnom I hope it goes well with the counselor today. Thinking of you.

[nomnom]

@lavispeach Thank you for your perspective. You are not out of line in stating it. I've considered the possibility several times. If that plays any role, there is a lot that is beyond acting out. Please let me know if you disagree with that statement.

For one, I don't think he's acting out against specific events. His mother started him on cigs, booze, and pot before DH and I started dating. He decided that mom was cooler than dad (i.e. let him do whatever he wanted) and started spending most of his time at her house. Her POS boyfriend started him on heroin and was trying (and failing) to cook meth. DH's son removed himself because dad was/is a square.

He was smoking skunk, an extremely potent form of pot that maybe should be considered a hard drug, before our wedding. About six months before our wedding he stole DH's car and crashed it into a truck in a trailor park at about 40mph, narrowly missing a pedestrian. He amazingly avoided charges then because he fled the scene (could not prove intoxication at the time) and hit an illegal immigrants truck (technically no victim). The car was totaled and no one was injured.

I do not want to talk about the circumstances of his bigger arrest online (he'd already been arrested one for theft of alcohol from a grocery store).

Our honeymoon was eight months after our wedding. We thought he learned enough after all the trouble he'd been in, especially since he'd *just* been given probation for offences that normally carry a hefty prison term. Nope, our absence was a chance to swipe keys to my car so he could practice driving and nearly engage in behavior that was very similar to the reason for his big arrest.

This time he does not know I'm KU, so to his knowledge there is nothing specific to react to.

He totaled another car by driving it 90mph+ down the freeway for drug deals. Then a few months ago he crashed a third car while drunk and taking a turn too fast (sound familiar?). That car is at least still driveable. I'm convinced the only reason my car is still undamaged is because I refuse to let him drive it alone and he knows it would be far worse to cross me that his father.

I have never told DH's son that he ruined anything. If anything I avoid interaction with him these days because I'm too angry to be civil with him. I only mentioned this string of connections to MH last night.

DH's son shows a lot of difficulty in looking outside himself. Example: When he got home from the hospital last night, DH's son started hitting and throwing things because the police took his pot and "life savings" from the past few weeks, among several other items. He carried on, swearing and banging around for a couple of hours, though it lessened when DH told him to knock it off. DH's son did not seem to recall that he was extremely lucky to be alive and disagreed that a few hundred dollars was a small price for that (though I'm sure DH will end up paying much more than that for the hospital bill). DH's son never considered how much he hurt or scared DH. It was all about him. I think the amount that he even considers his dad's happiness varies, though it is most often quite low.

All comments welcome, blunt, positive, negative... whatever you've got. It is very helpful to me to hear all sorts of outside views.

[bluefairy5]

Jan 19, 2015 9:38:21 GMT -5 nomnom said:

DH's son shows a lot of difficulty in looking outside himself. Example: When he got home from the hospital last night, DH's son started hitting and throwing things because the police took his pot and "life savings" from the past few weeks, among several other items. He carried on, swearing and banging around for a couple of hours, though it lessened when DH told him to knock it off. DH's son did not seem to recall that he was extremely lucky to be alive and disagreed that a few hundred dollars was a small price for that (though I'm sure DH will end up paying much more than that for the hospital bill). DH's son never considered how much he hurt or scared DH. It was all about him. I think the amount that he even considers his dad's happiness varies, though it is most often quite low.

You basically just bullet-pointed the major interpersonal markers of addictive behavior. Not having been through addiction firsthand, I of course can't say what it is that flips the switch in some addicts and not in others, but with all the addicts in my family, this is very familiar pre-rock-bottom behavior. And I don't want to "diagnose" from my armchair (and without any professional knowledge whatever) but the way you phrase it "told him to knock it off" immediately brings to my mind all the enabling behavior I and other family members have engaged in with addicts in our own lives. I think that's the main reason I hope YH will get on board with the idea of inpatient-to-halfway. Judging by patterns I've seen in my family, at this juncture I've seen there be most hope when the addict is removed from anyone who might enable them, whether knowingly or not. bandm14 is 100% right: no amount of rehab will do the trick if your SS doesn't reach a point of change on his own steam. But sometimes people reach that point in rehab when they wouldn't have in an outpatient setting that more or less keeps their environment the same as it was. Heroin is unspeakably cruel, but it's beatable.

[bandm14]

Jan 19, 2015 9:38:21 GMT -5 nomnom said:

@lavispeach Thank you for your perspective. You are not out of line in stating it. I've considered the possibility several times. If that plays any role, there is a lot that is beyond acting out. Please let me know if you disagree with that statement.

For one, I don't think he's acting out against specific events. His mother started him on cigs, booze, and pot before DH and I started dating. He decided that mom was cooler than dad (i.e. let him do whatever he wanted) and started spending most of his time at her house. Her POS boyfriend started him on heroin and was trying (and failing) to cook meth. DH's son removed himself because dad was/is a square.

He was smoking skunk, an extremely potent form of pot that maybe should be considered a hard drug, before our wedding. About six months before our wedding he stole DH's car and crashed it into a truck in a trailor park at about 40mph, narrowly missing a pedestrian. He amazingly avoided charges then because he fled the scene (could not prove intoxication at the time) and hit an illegal immigrants truck (technically no victim). The car was totaled and no one was injured.

I do not want to talk about the circumstances of his bigger arrest online (he'd already been arrested one for theft of alcohol from a grocery store).

Our honeymoon was eight months after our wedding. We thought he learned enough after all the trouble he'd been in, especially since he'd *just* been given probation for offences that normally carry a hefty prison term. Nope, our absence was a chance to swipe keys to my car so he could practice driving and nearly engage in behavior that was very similar to the reason for his big arrest.

This time he does not know I'm KU, so to his knowledge there is nothing specific to react to.

He totaled another car by driving it 90mph+ down the freeway for drug deals. Then a few months ago he crashed a third car while drunk and taking a turn too fast (sound familiar?). That car is at least still driveable. I'm convinced the only reason my car is still undamaged is because I refuse to let him drive it alone and he knows it would be far worse to cross me that his father.

I have never told DH's son that he ruined anything. If anything I avoid interaction with him these days because I'm too angry to be civil with him. I only mentioned this string of connections to MH last night.

DH's son shows a lot of difficulty in looking outside himself. Example: When he got home from the hospital last night, DH's son started hitting and throwing things because the police took his pot and "life savings" from the past few weeks, among several other items. He carried on, swearing and banging around for a couple of hours, though it lessened when DH told him to knock it off. DH's son did not seem to recall that he was extremely lucky to be alive and disagreed that a few hundred dollars was a small price for that (though I'm sure DH will end up paying much more than that for the hospital bill). DH's son never considered how much he hurt or scared DH. It was all about him. I think the amount that he even considers his dad's happiness varies, though it is most often quite low.

All comments welcome, blunt, positive, negative... whatever you've got. It is very helpful to me to hear all sorts of outside views.

Addiction is not just characterized by using drugs, but by so many other behaviors: lying, stealing, manipulation, extreme self-centeredness. The good news is that when someone gets into a recovery program and the drug use stops, they are able to work on changing a lot of those behaviors as well. I really hope that your SS gets help immediately, as it seems like this is a truly life-or-death situation.

In the meantime, you and YH need to decide what's best for the both of you. One of the common phrases of Al-Anon is "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." I know that YH only wants to help his son, but he has no power to force change on him. And sometimes (not saying YH is doing this necessarily) attempts to help can turn into enabling (such as repeatedly giving a person with an addiction money). I think it's great to offer support and to try to link the person with all of the resources that are available to them, but placing the entire burden of someone else's recovery on oneself isn't fair to you the addicted person or their loved one.

As a side note, I'm absolutely shocked that there is no court order for your SS to be in treatment, or that it isn't a requirement of his probation. If he was arrested for any one of those driving offenses that would be enough in many areas to mandate him to treatment, and a single positive urine screen would likely be enough of a violation to send him to prison.

[LavishPeach]

Since this started before you and YH even started dating, I agree that this couldn't be the only cause. My heart aches for the pain this young man has caused YH. I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your child do such outlandish and dangerous things.

I hope your visit with the counselor goes well today and helps you and YH figure out a plan of action.

[deelopi9]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Addiction is hard, it takes over and for some people once they make a decision to completely walk away it easy and for others the co-dependency is just too strong and that's where treatment comes in. If you can research how to help support your DH in this situation whether it is talking to a therapist/counselor/professional who handles addiction.

[snd1231]

I am so sorry. I wish I had some advice but that is an extremely difficult situation to be in! I'll keep yall in my thoughts and prayers!

[daydreamsam]

tweetyknicks - I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It is so difficult to be in a situation like this ((HUGS))

From the perspective of an alcoholic, I understand the anger and lack of understanding for the harm being caused by your SS from his perspective. When I was at my worst, I DGAF about anyone else's feelings or needs. All I wanted was to drink and I was a horrible bitch to anyone who got in the way of that. Thankfully I was never as bad as it sounds like your SS is, but I was inconsiderate and mean and I hurt a lot of people. Now, seven years sober, I still feel bad about how I treated people when I look back.

From the perspective of a person who is dealing with my husband's sister's addiction (she is a needle junkie meth addict) I understand your frustration in wanting YH to put his foot down and not allow his son's choices to impact your life negatively. It is a tough spot to be in. DH and I have chosen to completely walk away from his sister until she chooses to get better, my MIL and FIL have not which IMO directly impacts her continued drug abuse (they are always there to rescue her).

I agree that your SS should go to rehab but it will only really help him if he is ready to quit. Otherwise, he will go, probably stay clean for a little while and then go back to using. I echo bandm14 and tumbleweed in everything they said and am glad to hear YH is going to the counselor with you today. If your counselor isn't already, I would highly recommend going to a counselor that specializes in addiction that way YH has someone besides you, explaining how important tough love is in this situation. Not to knock YH but bringing his SS back into your home last night was just enabling your SS, I know he did it out of love but it's only making matters worse. My MIL and FIL do this all the time with SIL which is why she keeps going back to using - she knows they'll put up with it. The bottom line is that this is her choice and she is choosing to use but their continued support allows her to make that choice.

Again, I am sorry you have to deal with this and hope things go well with the counselor today.

[bandm14]

daydreamsam Congratulations on 7 years sober!

[tumbleweed]

Congrats on 7 years, daydreamsam !

[nomnom]

Just finished counseling. DH did most of the talking. I interjected when DH missed something or painted too rosy of a picture. The counselor's conclusion was similar to mine/ours. In-patient rehab would be the best. The alternative if he refuses in-patient is the sticking point and we got little additional guidance. I pointed out that last night was not the first time DH told his son that he can't live in our house if he's going to use drugs. If there's no follow through on his previous statement, all subsequent statements carry no weight and this continues indefinitely.

I have no idea what DH is going to do with all this. He doesn't think he got anything new out of today's appointment. I think he got confirmation that we are out of good options, but he doesn't want that. Maybe it needs a little time to sink in. I don't know where we go from here. At what point do I remove myself from the situation for my own health if DH refuses to do anything? Is that even on the table?

I feel like we are stuck in a dichotomy of hope and dread for the future. Hope of building a family and life together and dread that we will never escape the present.

ETA: DH talked briefly with his son. DH now says son is moving out. I hope that is true and I really hope he does well. I don't want SS to fail, but I also feel like DH and I have been skirting a breaking point, both individually and as a couple. I also hope DH can find some peace in what lies ahead.

[bluefairy5]

nomnom I hope your SS will stay as safe as possible. And I also wonder if, should he follow through on the moving out, it'll be what finally gets him to a point where he realized he has nothing to fall back on but his addiction... and that you can't fall back on an addiction at all. Hopefully this will be a good thing, and yes, I really hope YH can find peace with the upcoming steps. You guys will all be in my thoughts. Addiction sucks for everyone.

[MellyKnu]

Ugh, I'm sorry, Tweety!  My family is chock full of addicts (mostly meth but some heroin, too), so I get it.  Fortunately for me, I moved across the country from most of them so I don't have to deal with that stress directly.  I'd say he needs to at least go into a detox program and get it all out of his system.  I wouldn't want a heroin addict detoxing in my house.  They can be dangerous.  I get your husband's reluctance, but I really think it would be better for all three of you if he checked in somewhere, even if only for a few days.  Best of luck to you and your family.

[vballbaby]

nomnom just sending you some positive vibes. I totally forget to mention in my initial post, DUH, the biggest addict I've had experience with is my dear old ex husband. Started with pain pills, which led to heroin. I jumped ship after he did a 3 yr stint in jail so I got away from him before it got real bad (I know he was going downhill fast). He was one of those big time manipulators who was in constant denial. He did clean up here and there, and I don't keep tabs on him anymore but his addiction was bigger than anything else in his life that was good, daughter, wife, etc. I hope your SS will get to a point where he wants help and things can turn around. It's probably the most difficult for your DH as that's his own flesh and blood he has to watch destroy himself; it's gotta be killing him. I just know it's hard to deal with addicts and their behavior so I'm sorry you and your DH are going through this. That is wonderful that you were proactive and went to counseling and DH went with you. Stay strong!

[cinzink]

I just wanted to stop by and give my apologies. You don't deserve the stress and drama that's surrounding you right now. Unfortunately, most other people hardly even care about the affect they have on other's lives.
I hope that you and YH are given some comfort right now. FX that this effects you as little as possible and may be there is someone else that can help care for him right now.
((((HUGS)))) lots of hugs and you're in my thoughts.