Mental Health Checkin

[avswolf]

I haven't done this in a long time, and I apologize for that. After all the crap that went down I figure we can use it. We'll make this first a general vent.

So, let us hear it. We're here to listen.

[avswolf]

As you know, I've been in a funk lately. I can't begin to know how to describe it. Things are getting better slowly. I was able to dance and sing with my daughter yesterday, but then I crashed almost immediately after. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I'm this way. The drama in "Mordor " really got to me more than I thought possible. These gals are my friends. What happened is nothing short of heinous. It broke my here that we had to uproot and move. And then I feel silly for that because it's just the Internet, right??? Sigh

[suzyqq02]

Big ((HUGS)) avswolf. I feel like there's no rhyme or reason to depression so much of the time, and that's what makes it such a hard spectre to deal with.

I'm jumping in here late in the game, I hope you guys don't mind. I'm having a hard time and I'm hoping this is a place to turn. If it doesn't make sense, I understand!

I'm dealing with some pretty frustrating health stuff, and it's bringing me way down hardcore. I already posted about this on the board on the "other place," so I apologize if this is a repeat for some/most. I've been breaking out in hives all over my body intermittently for weeks now. It's scary (I have food allergies so I've had breathing trouble from rashes before) and really uncomfortable. But taken with a lot of other symptoms that I've explained away because of my thyroid issues (Hashimoto's disease) like extreme cold hands and feet, fatigue (more than normal mom fatigue), frequent but dull headaches, ect... my docs think this could be something more serious. Lymphoma was put out there, but is HIGHLY unlikely. Lupus, however, seems to be a real possibility.

I've been a mess since my doc appt last week, and I go back on Tuesday for more tests. I lost it sobbing on my poor boss on Wednesday, but she's been amazingly supportive... one time when it's great to work with therapists! ;-) But she's reminded me that if it is autoimmune, stress only makes that worse... and she's right.

So even though I'm supposed to be the pro here... any of you ladies managing chronic health problems? How do you handle the emotional side of it?

[tenniscourt]

suzyqq02 My cousin has lupus so if you do get that diagnosis, I could probably give you some first-hand information. Let us know when you find out! I've been thinking of you!

[suzyqq02]

Thanks, tenniscourt. If that's what's going on here, I will definitely take you up on that. Thanks for thinking of me!

[avswolf]

suzyqq02 hugs. I don't ha e health issues but my moms best friend has Lupus. She's doing ok with the mess she's on, even adopted and raised a daughter alone. Not trying to downplay what you're going g through by any means, but I really hope it turns out to be a fluke.

[jessasaurus]

Hi. Mind if I join? I'm glad to see this check-in back.

First, ((hugs)) avswolf. I don't have any advice, but I certainly feel for you! I'm thinking about going back to my Dr to talk about my anxiety myself.

suzyqq02 - I don't have a chronic condition, but I can imagine how frustrating and scary this must be for you. I hope you get the answers you need soon and that they find a treatment plan that you're happy with!

I've been really anxious lately and slightly depressive. I'm trying to wean myself off the pump (I EP). I think my hormones are wack because of the weaning. I'm also just really emotional about E's bday (Feb 20th). I had a really traumatic birth experience and the closer the date creeps, the more anxious I become. I'm extremely lucky to be alive and I very nearly bled to death during delivery. I went to therapy in the months following E's birth and it helped immensely... I just wish the anxiety wouldn't start creeping back in now.

[monkey1980]

suzyqq02 and avswolf I don't have any advice but want to offer hugs.
I struggle a lot with insecurities and on a whole feel inadequate as a mother. It's kind of embarrassing. It really flares when I'm with my SIL. She's one of those too good to be true people. And she looooves being the center of attention. She moved about a month ago, and it's been much better. I feel horrible admitting that. But it's been nice having a break.

[suzyqq02]

jessasaurus, big ((HUGS)) to you, too. I was past a mess when I was weaning off the pump at 6 months. Like, spent a week crying in the shower and white knucking it driving because I was so convinced I was going to get hit. The hormones are NO JOKE... almost as bad as the PP crash for me. Be kind to yourself!

[monkey1980]

suzyqq02 and avswolf I don't have any advice but want to offer hugs.
I struggle a lot with insecurities and on a whole feel inadequate as a mother. It's kind of embarrassing. It really flares when I'm with my SIL. She's one of those too good to be true people. And she looooves being the center of attention. She moved about a month ago, and it's been much better. I feel horrible admitting that. But it's been nice having a break.

[avswolf]

jessasaurus you should go and talk to your doctor. Traumatizing anniversaries are difficult, and a neutral party might help get you through. It's understandable that you're feeling anxious. I have a couple such anniversaries. Hugs

[avswolf]

monkey1980 I think the key thing you need to remember is that she APPeARS to be perfect, but I bet you under all that, behind closed doors, she's a wreck. People who present themselves as perfect normally are worse off than the people they are fronting for.

[jessasaurus]

avswolf and suzyqq02 - Thanks. I'll probably call the Dr soon just to check in. These hormones coming down are crazy. Much more so for me than the post partum hormones.

[blondemum]

((Hugs)) all around ladies.

@suzygg02, I had hive breakouts for years, it was terrible and I'm so sorry you are going through that. I didn't have the other symptoms though, I hope they can figure out what's wrong and help you.

I've been struggling with my emotions/PPD some still. I've had a lot more good days than bad though so that's a plus. I just have some triggers that set me into a spiral and it's hard to get out. I'm working on that with my therapist. DH and I have also been going to therapy together and I think that is helping me too, and us.
I've never posted this here, but he is an alcoholic. He was drinking a lot during pregnancy and I thought it stopped when DS was born but I found out he was hiding it and a lot of shit went down. Between the PPD and dealing with that, it was a rough time. But he's almost 90 days sober and we are doing really well. He's such a great guy/husband/father when he's not drinking, I'm so proud of him for stopping, it makes me want to try even harder to not let myself get to far into a funk for no reason, you know?

[innanni]

I feel odd lovetitting here, but it always seems that talking about what is weighing on you is the hardest part. I think having the courage just to admit you are struggling is awesome.
avswolf and everyone in general. I think that depression/anxiety is an insidious disease. It can be hard to separate who you are vs what you feel vs what you really think. When I'm at my worst, I wish I'd never had a kid and I wish DH would just go away. When I feel better I'm appalled that I felt that way.

My initial PPD has gotten so much better, but I still have days where I struggle back and forth. I did not have a difficult labor, but my first few months post partum were brutal and my baby had horrible colic. If he was awake he was crying, and recovery for the c section was really awful. Anyway, the point is I'm so paranoid about a repeat pregnancy it is killing our sex life, which is in turn wreaking havoc on our relationship. I have no idea how to deal with this anxiety.

monkey1980. I feel like a terrible mom sometimes too,. I find that looking at pictures of my smiling little guy help.. Also, I think if my kid is clean, fed, and reasonably happy then I think I'm doing my part in the scheme of things. My new mantra is that it doesn't have to be perfect to show my love. Like if his birthday isn't Pinterest worthy it will be fine. Momming is not a competition.

[caer]

Hi ladies, hope it's ok that I jump in here.

avswolf - (((hugs))) lady. I know you've been struggling lately. We're here for you.

suzyqq02 - I am so sorry you're dealing with that. I imagine not knowing what is going on is difficult. I hope they find answers soon.

(((Hugs))) jessasaurus, monkey1980 and innanni.

blondemum - *poof* for privacy. If you ever want to talk about it, please feel free to PM me. Have you thought about trying some Al Anon meetings?

As for me, I'm still struggling with PPA. I've been on meds for a few months now, which has helped, but I have good days and bad. A lot of my anxiety is health related. I have a minor-ish surgery scheduled for February 4 so I'm kind of freaking out about that.

[caer]

innanni - I wanted to add that my LO also had colic and I honestly think it scarred me. Those first couple of months were terrible - between the constant screaming, no sleep, PP hormones and tough recovery, it was awful.

I was still a lurker then but I really, really wish I had started a support group for the colic/high needs mamas. I think it would have helped to know that we were not alone. I have no advice, just sympathy and understanding.

I bookmarked this article when I was going through it, it made me laugh. It's called "My Son Got Over Colic, We Haven't."

www.babble.com/baby/colic-dealing-with-crying-baby-harm-to-parents/

[innanni]

caer I've read that article a few times and it is right on point. I still get nervous committing to public events because what if he cries all the time?

[blondemum]

caer, thank you. DH actually suggested Al Anon meetings, but I haven't gone to one yet. It's been such a long road and we are working through a lot in therapy, i'm just nervous to go to one I guess.

[caer]

I understand that blondemum. I was nervous the first time I went but I did find it helpful. They're really sweet to newcomers. The first time I just listened.

innanni - I have the same issue. I pretty much didn't leave my house for the first few months. I still feel sad that I never got the real newborn experience. My friend brought her 4 week old to our office before I left and he didn't make a peep. The one time I attempted that, I left in about 4 minutes because of the shrieking. Anyway, just wanted to say I get it!

[monkey1980]

That article hits home. My DD had reflux and even with meds she was difficult. It was hard for me to pass her off to people knowing they'd have energy for her and I was exhausted and at times resented her. Hence the shitty mom feeling.

[likethewheels]

Thanks for starting this again, avswolf. I heart you!

((Hugs)) to the ladies needing them. Add me to the list of not wanting to commit to things because of the potential for a meltdown.

Considering the circumstances, I'm doing surprisingly well for "me". We moved a month ago from WI to MA and I haven't considered picking up and leaving yet. We moved for my h's job, and it was the right thing to do, but I've never been in a place where I know literally no one. Add on my fear of driving (holy traffic) and fear of a meltdown on LO's end, and we're not getting out of the house much.

I do have an interview on Friday for a nursing position I think I'm pretty well qualified for, so that's a self esteem booster. I don't want to get my hopes up though in case I don't get it, but then I have bad thoughts about if I DO get it, too. Will I miss out on milestones if I work full time? What if I can't handle it? What if I don't like the people I work with? All these what ifs.

I think my biggest problem is my pattern of negative thinking, and I need to work on that if I'm going to start enjoying my life.

[avswolf]

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. This thread got away from me. I feel like I let you down by not being here, but it sounds like you've reached out to each other. I have hugs to offer everyone. And I want to remind you that, no matter where you are mentally, or what you think about yourselves, in my eyes each and every one of you is amazing and strong.

[5ofthem2ofus]

** I am the artist formerly known as mamahollywood27**

So I'm not sure if I can share here or not? I am struggling emotional and mentally with a situation that has arose via my ex (the father of my 9 and 5 year old) it has recently come out that he is an addict- he has been blaming me for years for his addiction because I didn't do this or that- he was found in his vehicle unresponsive w a needle in his arm- he apparently has gone to Heroin- to be clear he doesn't see or visit w our common children on his own accord. I have a functional co- parenting relationship w his parents (always have). Anyways after he was found and put into a sort or rehab were he was diagnosed w Personality disorders anti-social and narcissistic. I'm completely beside myself. I suffered years if physical and emotional abuse at his hands until I left and don't know how to process this information as I did take some of the blame for his addictions and dysfunction. And to add fuel to the fire I have a degree that is used form AODA and domestic abuse counseling so I know how I "should" be processes and dealing and I'm not---- ugh

[avswolf]

5ofthem2ofus I feel I have to say that none of his issues are or ever were your fault. They are his to own and change. I do get that being with an addict you take on some of the responsibility. I think it's a way to have a little control over it. Does that make sense? I always blamed my ex's drinking on myself because it was easier than not having any reason. You need to allow yourself time to process this in your own way. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Hugs hon. And post here anytime.

[5ofthem2ofus]

Thanks avswolf my current coping skill is to look at my husband and just smile- this man is a true blessing our children and my boys love him and adore him. I guess the light I see is that I'm not in a toxic relationship anymore- he is self destructing and that is his own fault not anyone else. My heart just aches for my boys.

[caer]

5ofthem2ofus - avswolf gave good advice. I'm so sorry - that must have been very difficult to hear. NONE of this is your fault. I hope time brings you some peace. (((Hugs)))

[codypup]

Hugs to everyone. I've definitely been struggling with anxiety lately too, and I hate it. Mine seems to be centered around driving these days. Le sigh.

But I'm mainly popping in to give a hug to blondemum. Not sure if you know this but I'm in recovery myself and work in the addiction recovery field. I'm here if you ever need to talk! Also ditto what PP's have said about Al-Anon.

[djtippietoes]

avswolf Lots of ((hugs)) to you.
suzyqq02 I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that figuring out what exactly is going on will help ease the “what if” anxiety.
5ofthem2ofus I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of that. None of it is your fault.

My anxiety has been pretty bad lately. It’s been almost two years of, “there could be wrong with your baby but there might not be.” The not knowing just leads me into a panicked state where I scrutinize everything he does and I worry that it’s interfering with our mother and son bond. It’s also interfering with my marriage.

I’ve mentioned to DH on more than one occasion that I think I should see a therapist and every time I mention it, he says something to the effect of, “Maybe you should run more. Maybe you should buy a book about coping with stress.” and I feel very unsupported. I mean, I don’t need his permission to see a therapist, but I just feel like he’s so skeptical about something that i think I need right now.

[caer]

(((Hugs))) djtippietoes. I hope that won't stop you from seeing someone. I think therapy can be very helpful. My DH and I went for awhile after he completed rehab and it was great. I'm sorry he isn't being more supportive.