AW - Insensitive comments from my mom

[booklover811]

So on Thursday I was talking to my mom about where we are in our journey and what the progesterone I'm taking is doing to help. She got all excited and said "Then with that stuff you should be fixed!" I told her that was not how it worked and I wouldn't ever be "fixed." Then she started going on and on about how I need to be more open. And you always here stories about how couples are told they will never have children and then magically they do! And if I were more positive and open, something like that would happen for me to. I was an absolute mess. I was sobbing and told her that was so hurtful. I am so fucking open for a child, that I am shoving pills up my vagina. I am so fucking open for a child that I pee on endless sticks all cycle long. I am so fucking open for a child that I take my temperature every morning and am going in for endless amounts of testing. 

She then tells me that she had to try for 5 months to get pregnant with my brother and she totally understands where I am coming from. I told her that unless she has been trying for 16 months like I have, she has no idea. I told her that I am open, but I don't blindly get my hopes up every month, because then when I'm not pregnant, it hurts so bad every month. She continued with the stance that I just need to be more positive and open. I ended the call sobbing and just so upset. My mom is usually one of my best friends, who I talk about everything with. The fact that we are so close and she isn't even trying to be supportive just hurts so much.

Today she tried calling 3 times and I didn't answer. She left a VM saying she doesn't understand why I'm so upset and that she's sorry she hurt my feelings. I'm not ready to talk to her yet, everything still hurts too bad. Especially because AF came today.

Does anyone have any good articles or websites for family? I'm hoping if she reads up on IF a little more, maybe she'll get a clue? Ugh thanks for reading. If you made it all the way to the end, gold star for you.
 

[bluefairy5]

I'm so sorry booklover811. Resolve has some resources about how to talk to family and friends (but really from our angle, not family's). It's good that your mom apologized for hurting your feelings, but not understanding why you're so upset is obviously not what we're going for here! Not that you should NEED an excuse, but would it help to start her understanding at all if you point out that some of the SEs of progesterone supplementation (you know, the medical treatment you're undergoing for the diagnosed medical problem you have, mom) include increased emotionality?

[NariaDreaming]

Oh man, I'm so sorry. That seriously sucks


I'd suggest both this article www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html and maybe pointing her to the 8 Acts of Love facebook page www.facebook.com/8ActsofLove

[laurensc927]

I'm so sorry your mom doesn't get it. I know there are some good things on the resolve website www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/ maybe you print one of them out or send the link to your mom. Hopefully, she'll be better the next time.

[sammae]

I'm so sorry. My mom is also my best friend and I completely understand what it's like to be on a different page. I think the biggest thing that I've gotten out of having very raw conversations with my mom about dealing with IF is that they're still our mothers and all they want is to fix things. I really hope you guys can have a good, open conversation about things. I think the idea of giving her some IF resources to read is great. Big hugs.

[booklover811]

Thanks ladies. I knew there was a good site out there, I just couldn't remember what it was. I'll definitely be sharing it with her.

Bluefairy5 I'm sure the overemotional SE of the progesterone was a big culprit in this scenario.

[k1111k]

I'm so sorry...I'm sure your mom loves you and would never want to hurt you and I'm sure she feels bad for making you upset but she also needs to become more informed, clearly. Those link suggestions above sound great, perhaps along with an invitation for her to go head-to-head with your doctor/s to see who really knows what they're talking about when it comes to diagnosing and "fixing" infertility - I really don't think your doctor/s would have a lightbulb moment of, "Oh! All I need to do is tell my patients to be more positive and open!"...if so, all those years in med school and paying off student loans would be pretty darn embarrassing for them

((((hug)))))

[Ann612]

It is so disappointing when people make comments like that. If only we could just adjust our attitudes!! I'm so sorry she made you upset. There is a huge difference between 5 months and 16 months. Hopefully the links will help her to understand a bit more.

[luchich]

I.m so sorry that conversation went down like that. It's so hard to explain to people what we are going through. No one will ever understand as much as they think they do or try to. And this is why I decided not to tell my mom, she just wouldn't get it. It's frustrating to keep having to explain things. Hang in there, maybe she will do some research on her own since she realized that you were upset.

[lillee]

I'm so sorry, it always stings more when comments like that come from close family. I think unless someone goes through it or reads more about it they don't realize comments like those hurt. I hope she looks over those links so she can understand a little better and provide better support to you.

[remylove1011]

I'm so sorry about your fight with your mom. It's so hard when family and friends do not understand. I think they often try to make comments and tell stories that they think you will find helpful or "hopeful", but don't understand that they are more hurt than anything else. {{HUGS}}

[lemonliz]

I'm so sorry

I haven't ever used the resolve links but I hope you have some luck getting through to your mom with those resources.

[kensie5226]

booklover811, that sucks. Fertiles just don't understand. This place is such a wonderful refuge. Hugs from me.

[LavishPeach]

My mom is also one of my best friends, so I feel for you. It's really hard when the one person we really need support and understanding from has a hard time understanding and supporting. I'm sure she never meant to be insensitive, but that doesn't make it any easier to forgive/forget.

Hopefully the information at RESOLVE will be useful to you both. **hugs**

[calindi]

*** Grad / BFP briefly mentioned ***


Ugh, I could have written this same post 14 months ago! It's so hard when your Mom is your go to for emotional support and she just does NOT get it. I am so sorry!

I wrote my Mom a long email after we had pretty much the exact same conversation you are describing. I linked the RESOLVE info that others have linked. I shared statistics and information - that even with X procedure, our chances per cycle are only X. I told her my biggest fears - that we'd go broke chasing a dream that might never happen. I told her exactly what I needed her to say and do (and not say and not do - she had to stop telling me about her friends' grand babies, for example). I told her I needed her more than ever, that this was the toughest thing I had ever faced, and that I knew she meant well but making light of my issues and chances just made me feel so alone.

It did the trick - she was my biggest advocate, sometimes even more than DH. When I "came out" on Facebook during National Infertility Awareness Week last March, she shared my posts. She's become an advocate for infertility awareness in general, petitioning her employer to consider coverage and a more flexible leave policy for doctors appointments after finding out one of her younger coworkers is doing IVF. She acknowledges fully and openly that we finally got pregnant thanks to science and hard work and heartbreak. All she needed was a firm shove in the right direction!

I hope with some guidance your Mom learns how to support you as you need during this time. And I really hope your BFP is right around the corner!

[BunnyBerry]

I've heard a lot of the same from my mom. I think after a lot of tears she has figured out how to say more of the right things but she doesn't really believe in it. I have to always remind myself that this us a sad experience for her too and she is trying to cope in the ways that work for her. She does try but when I need someone who really understands I just have to come here! I'm so sorry because it sounds like you two are really close. I think calindi's advice is amazing and hopefully your mom will be similarly responsive!

[lindy04aggie]

Ugh... I'm so sorry. I'd definitely check the 8 Acts of Love facebook page. There have been some really good articles on there. I sent one to my mom (who knows my whole story) and I think she really understood that she has no idea what I am going through after reading that. She got KU with me on BCP (I'm stubborn like that), so there is no way she can understand. That's why I'm so glad to have this community. I've "met" some great ladies and made an IRL friend for life (paging annaclaire256). It's nice to have someplace to go where people really do understand what you're going through. I hope the articles help!

[sportschick79]

I'm so sorry. Your mom sounds like my sister. And being that my sister and I are like oil and water.... yeah, there was almost punching going on.

I recently posted this to my FB page (I too came out last March) www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-angeline-beltsos/17-things-not-to-say-to-people-with-infertility----and-what-to-do-instead_b_6194688.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

[Martinis&Medicine]

I'm so sorry your mom is making insensitive comments to you. I would have flipped my shit on her.

Here is an article a friend of mine sent me. I love it because it corrects the thought that we should 'never give up' and 'always have hope', and that it's wrong if we chose to have the mindset of "this may not work".
Those are great messages in theory, but sometimes the best thing for your mental and emotional health is to stop hoping. I'm at the point where it's easier for me to accept that I'm not getting pregnant with IVF and even then may never have children. My husband doesn't understand why I 'gave up', but this article helped him understand that hope is hard and it hurts sometimes.
When it comes to IF, there is little worse than false hope. 
::hugs::

www.huffingtonpost.com/justine-brooks-froelker/acceptance-in-infertility_b_6413924.html


eta: I'm speaking from my situation, I'm in no way implying you should "give up hope" or anything. Hope it didn't come across that way. 
::moar hugs::

[bluejoan]

Everyone covered the resources to send her way but I wanted to give some support too. My mom does the same thing repeatedly so I just cut her out of the equation. They knew we were doing IVF since I sent a family email out with vague details but nothing specific at all. I also told her point blank that she wasn't going to get all the information.




****Loss/baby Mentioned*****

She was really unsupportive of our loss and the timing of it relating to other family obligations (nephew's baptism). The ladies on the loss board and everyone from 3T and my therapist were the best support I could have asked for during that time. As much as we love our family they really don't get how their actions can hurt and sometimes don't want to change their ways.


Hugs

[longhornwino0907]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this kind of insensitivity from your mom. I understand the closeness and that would be devastating to me, too. It looks like these ladies have given you a lot of resources, so all I have are [[hugs]]

[annaclaire256]

I am so sorry you're going through this. I have no doubt that your mom loves you and wants nothing but happiness for you. I think that people generally think what we want to hear is rainbows, happiness and a butt load of "it will happen"s. No one can wrap their head around how IF makes us feel unless they've lived it. Attempts to sympathize and relate are just so off putting because they usually end up minimalizing our struggle. Most of the time I end up so upset that I wish more than anything I could go back to the beginning and tell no one. I think you're doing the right thing giving it some space until your hurt feelings aren't so raw. Hopefully the articles shine some light on things for her. ((Hugs))

[ldubhawksfan]

I'm so sorry your mom hurt you and doesn't understand why she hurt you. I hope the resolve articles help shine a light on it. All I have to offer is ((hugs))

[kariann12]

I'm so sorry for having to have that conversation with your mom. Hopefully she reads up a bit on infertility and realizes its not just something that you can fix by changing your mindset. Big ((hugs)) and hopefully things turn around with your mom.

[Deleted]

Oh I'm soooooo sorry. My mom is like this too - only add in the "that date doesn't work for me" (yes, she likes to schedule her grandchildren!!)

My mom doesn't understan medical procedures and often equates the IVF process with a single shot (never mind she was told there were several per day) and thinks I'm overreacting and I'm not that desperate to have a baby. Yup. I've heard it all.

I just am very thankful there's only her and not more to deal with.

You're not alone. Just try to avoid these conversations with the offending party. I've found that my mom means well but just can't grasp the concept. She really believes doctors wave magic wands and make everything better. No amount of eye rolling can change her.

H

[booklover811]

Thank you everyone for the understanding and kind words. I emailed my mom this morning with the links some of you provided and just asked her to read them. I'm going to wait for her to call or respond, but she hasn't yet. Now that most of the progesterone I was on is out of my system, I'm not as sensitive, but it definitely still hurts. I'm really hoping she will understand after she reads the articles because I know I will need her through this whole journey.

Thanks again! *hugs* to you all for the support!

[yorkielove83]

I'm so sorry. That sucks. Mom's mean well, but mine is the same way. When I'm having a bad day or complain about someone being KU or having a kid she tells me to just quit. Stop being so sensitive, it'll happen when it's supposed too... I'm thankful I've found people who understand the heartache and don't try to hush the pain away. ((hugs))

[booklover811]

Here's an update for anyone who cares. I dseny my mom an email with a few links on Sunday. She never replied and never made an effort to contact me in anyway. This is odd because we talk basically every day. So tonight while I was on my way to the airport to pick up H I called her. She answered with a very short, snippy "hi." I replied "hi, how are you?" She said fine and asked about me. I said I was on my way to pick up H for his long weekend home and she replied "oh. Well I can't talk because I'm still working. I'll have to talk to you some other time. Bye." And promptly hung up.

Now I am double hurt. I'm hurt she made the initial comment and hurt now because she appears to think I am in the wrong somehow! I'm guessing she took offense to the links I sent her, but I cannot fathom why. And besides being hurt, now I'm pissed too. How unfair that I am the one dealing with all of IF's bullshit, but now one of my biggest supporters isn't aupportive at all? Ugh I'm just so frustrated.

Do I just leave it and wait for her to contact me now? We've never really been in a fight like this before. I don't know how to deal with this situation.

[bluejoan]

booklover811 - I'm sorry you didn't get the response you had hoped for. I would wait it out a bit and see if after a cooling down period you can talk about it with clearer heads. I know it's hard not having IRL support but know we are here. Sometimes when you open up to someone it backfires and other times the most supportive people are the ones you least suspect.

[cateyes]

Oh I am so sorry. If you ever want to share my video/blog with her feel free. She may not understand the pain and saddness she caused you and for that I am super sorry. I would give her the info and let her understand the best she can and know that we are here for you! Lean on us as we can be here for you! Hugs!!!!!