Control Issues and TTC

[locopollo]

I feel the same way as the rest of the ladies that have posted. I am type A to a fault. I plan and I follow the rules. I drink water and different teas, plus the pom juice. I've tried the pineapple. It's so frustrating that you can follow all the recommendations and all the "rules" and 8 months comes and goes. This month I may just say fuck it and not obsess about anything other than hitting the FW a few times.  I think someone else mentioned not temping during the TWW which I have often thought about not doing, but I think I'd cave after a few days!

[SheilaTheTank]

Apr 8, 2015 15:21:04 GMT -5 twinkie0612 said:

I've always had some control issues, which sometimes worked in my favor, like succeeding in school and earning college scholarships. Sometimes I go a little overboard on things that are not quite necessary, like the extremely organized binder I make for our tax return. We claim lots of medical expenses because of infertility treatments and I obsess over organizing everything with spreadsheets and plastic sheet protectors. It's overkill. Other times my control issues are a huge detriment, like when I am dealing with TTC and infertility. When we were trying on our own, I temped, did OPKs, charted CM and sometimes CP, and timed sex around ovulation. I had beautiful charts and we had perfectly timed sex, but never got pregnant. I think the one thing that kept me sane while trying on our own was that charting gave me a sense of control, even if it was a false sense of control. I had an outlet for my need to control things. I couldn't control if we got pregnant, but I could track every potential sign of ovulation and have it all neatly organized into a chart. Charting was a slight obsession for me.

I started seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility and women's issues. Which has been helpful. It's been hard for me to deal with infertility because I have no control. I can put in the work, do everything perfectly and still the treatments can fail. This is something that has been hard for me to accept, and really I am still working on it.

I am so jealous of your tax binder. I wish I had the focus to complete something like that. 

[URMySunshine77]

SheilaTheTank, I just want to chime in and echo everyone's feelings. I've checked every box for more than 13 months now and it boggles my mind that we are still trying. I hate the loss of control, especially when we feel that we are doing everything right. My age adds an extra layer of anxiety.

If I wasn't TTC, then I might look into medication for anxiety and OCD leanings. Maybe ending this journey would cut out a lot of anxiety.

akraus2015, I didn't get the chance to respond to you the other day, but I was really feeling your post. Hugs to everyone.

[twinkie0612]

Apr 8, 2015 15:25:07 GMT -5 SheilaTheTank said:

Apr 8, 2015 15:21:04 GMT -5 twinkie0612 said:

I've always had some control issues, which sometimes worked in my favor, like succeeding in school and earning college scholarships. Sometimes I go a little overboard on things that are not quite necessary, like the extremely organized binder I make for our tax return. We claim lots of medical expenses because of infertility treatments and I obsess over organizing everything with spreadsheets and plastic sheet protectors. It's overkill. Other times my control issues are a huge detriment, like when I am dealing with TTC and infertility. When we were trying on our own, I temped, did OPKs, charted CM and sometimes CP, and timed sex around ovulation. I had beautiful charts and we had perfectly timed sex, but never got pregnant. I think the one thing that kept me sane while trying on our own was that charting gave me a sense of control, even if it was a false sense of control. I had an outlet for my need to control things. I couldn't control if we got pregnant, but I could track every potential sign of ovulation and have it all neatly organized into a chart. Charting was a slight obsession for me.

I started seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility and women's issues. Which has been helpful. It's been hard for me to deal with infertility because I have no control. I can put in the work, do everything perfectly and still the treatments can fail. This is something that has been hard for me to accept, and really I am still working on it.

I am so jealous of your tax binder. I wish I had the focus to complete something like that. 

I am pretty sure my accountant thinks I am nuts. 

[Deleted]

Over the years I have discovered that my anxiety is inversely proportionate to (perceived) lack of control. I do what I can to minimize this on an everyday basis. Things were going quite well, then we decided to try and have a baby. Hello, anxiety!! 

It's amazing how little control you truly have over something that is so important. Sure, you can do some things to help out, but for the most part it's simply going to happen when it happens. 

So, I do what I can to "gain control". If I feel like I'm doing something to help the process along, it tames the crazy (slightly). I chart BBT, CM, etc. I take my PNV like it's my job. I exercise, eat healthy, try to get lots of sleep. I eat pineapple and drink pom juice... not because I think it's the magic ingredient in getting KTFU, but rather because it gives me something to do. On days that I'm feeing especially anxious I'll read books about TTC. Does any of this really make a difference?? Probably not; however, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Doing something is easier than doing nothing, for me at least.

My favorite bystander TTC comment is, "Just relax, it will happen." This shit infuriates me. But, I got to thinking--maybe these assholes have a point. I wish just relaxing was easy for me. Alas, I'm trying to work on it. 

I wish I could tell you how to get rid of your control/anxiety issues, but I don't think it's an easy feat. I can tell you that I'm here if you need someone to talk to that can relate. Though, I'm starting to realize that a lot of ladies on this forum deal with anxiety. It makes sense though. The super, laid back, type B personalities are probably not the ones that are jumping on a TTC forum

A number of people were confused about that thread (what you're doing to GKU or something) because they thought it was a what are you doing to keep sane thread. I'm inspired to start one. Let's see how the masses cope with this bananas life adventure!!

[teenybenoit]

SheilaTheTank I have control issues too and feel like I'm full of anxiety the minute my temp makes a slight rise and then I obsess over every last slight queasy feeling or stitch or super tired day. Finally I start thinking I feel cramps or pms coming and I start analyzing every last thing from my mood to my boob pain and I think my hubby is about ready to toss me when suddenly AF shows up and I start crying and am a blubbering mess because yet again I feel I failed.
I do find since coming here and chatting with you lovely ladies I'm not as obsessed as I normally would be, the book club helps me bide my time, I'm still scrap booking and now I'm doing the gym all of which help and thus far I'm still married.
Hugs to you. I totally get how you feel.

[longhornwino0907]

Apr 8, 2015 16:11:38 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

Over the years I have discovered that my anxiety is inversely proportionate to (perceived) lack of control. I do what I can to minimize this on an everyday basis. Things were going quite well, then we decided to try and have a baby. Hello, anxiety!! 

It's amazing how little control you truly have over something that is so important. Sure, you can do some things to help out, but for the most part it's simply going to happen when it happens. 

So, I do what I can to "gain control". If I feel like I'm doing something to help the process along, it tames the crazy (slightly). I chart BBT, CM, etc. I take my PNV like it's my job. I exercise, eat healthy, try to get lots of sleep. I eat pineapple and drink pom juice... not because I think it's the magic ingredient in getting KTFU, but rather because it gives me something to do. On days that I'm feeing especially anxious I'll read books about TTC. Does any of this really make a difference?? Probably not; however, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Doing something is easier than doing nothing, for me at least.

My favorite bystander TTC comment is, "Just relax, it will happen." This shit infuriates me. But, I got to thinking--maybe these assholes have a point. I wish just relaxing was easy for me. Alas, I'm trying to work on it. 

I wish I could tell you how to get rid of your control/anxiety issues, but I don't think it's an easy feat. I can tell you that I'm here if you need someone to talk to that can relate. Though, I'm starting to realize that a lot of ladies on this forum deal with anxiety. It makes sense though. The super, laid back, type B personalities are probably not the ones that are jumping on a TTC forum

A number of people were confused about that thread (what you're doing to GKU or something) because they thought it was a what are you doing to keep sane thread. I'm inspired to start one. Let's see how the masses cope with this bananas life adventure!!

I assure you they do not have a point. There is little to no connection between stress and conceiving. Personally, I've had to learn to just tell them that if it were that easy, if it were just about relaxing, I'd have had a baby by now.

I know that's not helpful for the conversation we're having here. But I had to jump in. As someone who is Type A and is struggling to conceive, I can tell you that it is not because I can't relax. And when people tell me that now, I tell them that they're wrong. My FIL thinks we (read: I) should just relax. But we remind him that we have doctors telling us that we need medical help. It's not just about relaxation, unfortunately.

ETA: Sorry, this is a hot button issue for me. I don't mean to come across as rude or insensitive or anything else.

[Deleted]

Apr 8, 2015 16:37:12 GMT -5 longhornwino0907 said:

Apr 8, 2015 16:11:38 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

Over the years I have discovered that my anxiety is inversely proportionate to (perceived) lack of control. I do what I can to minimize this on an everyday basis. Things were going quite well, then we decided to try and have a baby. Hello, anxiety!! 

It's amazing how little control you truly have over something that is so important. Sure, you can do some things to help out, but for the most part it's simply going to happen when it happens. 

So, I do what I can to "gain control". If I feel like I'm doing something to help the process along, it tames the crazy (slightly). I chart BBT, CM, etc. I take my PNV like it's my job. I exercise, eat healthy, try to get lots of sleep. I eat pineapple and drink pom juice... not because I think it's the magic ingredient in getting KTFU, but rather because it gives me something to do. On days that I'm feeing especially anxious I'll read books about TTC. Does any of this really make a difference?? Probably not; however, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Doing something is easier than doing nothing, for me at least.

My favorite bystander TTC comment is, "Just relax, it will happen." This shit infuriates me. But, I got to thinking--maybe these assholes have a point. I wish just relaxing was easy for me. Alas, I'm trying to work on it. 

I wish I could tell you how to get rid of your control/anxiety issues, but I don't think it's an easy feat. I can tell you that I'm here if you need someone to talk to that can relate. Though, I'm starting to realize that a lot of ladies on this forum deal with anxiety. It makes sense though. The super, laid back, type B personalities are probably not the ones that are jumping on a TTC forum

A number of people were confused about that thread (what you're doing to GKU or something) because they thought it was a what are you doing to keep sane thread. I'm inspired to start one. Let's see how the masses cope with this bananas life adventure!!

I assure you they do not have a point. There is little to no connection between stress and conceiving. Personally, I've had to learn to just tell them that if it were that easy, if it were just about relaxing, I'd have had a baby by now.

I know that's not helpful for the conversation we're having here. But I had to jump in. As someone who is Type A and is struggling to conceive, I can tell you that it is not because I can't relax. And when people tell me that now, I tell them that they're wrong. My FIL thinks we (read: I) should just relax. But we remind him that we have doctors telling us that we need medical help. It's not just about relaxation, unfortunately.

ETA: Sorry, this is a hot button issue for me. I don't mean to come across as rude or insensitive or anything else.

No, no, no. I do not mean that if you relax, you'll have a baby. I mean, it's just better in general to be relaxed. This whole trying to have a baby thing could take awhile, so it's better to be relaxed vs an anxious mess for months. Maybe you'll have a baby, maybe you won't. In either case, it's better to be chill. That's my point. 

[longhornwino0907]

Apr 8, 2015 16:41:13 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

Apr 8, 2015 16:37:12 GMT -5 longhornwino0907 said:

I assure you they do not have a point. There is little to no connection between stress and conceiving. Personally, I've had to learn to just tell them that if it were that easy, if it were just about relaxing, I'd have had a baby by now.

I know that's not helpful for the conversation we're having here. But I had to jump in. As someone who is Type A and is struggling to conceive, I can tell you that it is not because I can't relax. And when people tell me that now, I tell them that they're wrong. My FIL thinks we (read: I) should just relax. But we remind him that we have doctors telling us that we need medical help. It's not just about relaxation, unfortunately.

ETA: Sorry, this is a hot button issue for me. I don't mean to come across as rude or insensitive or anything else.

No, no, no. I do not mean that if you relax, you'll have a baby. I mean, it's just better in general to be relaxed. This whole trying to have a baby thing could take awhile, so it's better to be relaxed vs an anxious mess for months. Maybe you'll have a baby, maybe you won't. In either case, it's better to be chill. That's my point. 

Got it. Apologies for my rant

[Deleted]

Apr 8, 2015 16:46:08 GMT -5 longhornwino0907 said:

Apr 8, 2015 16:41:13 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

No, no, no. I do not mean that if you relax, you'll have a baby. I mean, it's just better in general to be relaxed. This whole trying to have a baby thing could take awhile, so it's better to be relaxed vs an anxious mess for months. Maybe you'll have a baby, maybe you won't. In either case, it's better to be chill. That's my point. 

Got it. Apologies for my rant

It's cool. I get it. I really do. 

[SheilaTheTank]

Apr 8, 2015 16:11:38 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

Over the years I have discovered that my anxiety is inversely proportionate to (perceived) lack of control. I do what I can to minimize this on an everyday basis. Things were going quite well, then we decided to try and have a baby. Hello, anxiety!! 

It's amazing how little control you truly have over something that is so important. Sure, you can do some things to help out, but for the most part it's simply going to happen when it happens. 

So, I do what I can to "gain control". If I feel like I'm doing something to help the process along, it tames the crazy (slightly). I chart BBT, CM, etc. I take my PNV like it's my job. I exercise, eat healthy, try to get lots of sleep. I eat pineapple and drink pom juice... not because I think it's the magic ingredient in getting KTFU, but rather because it gives me something to do. On days that I'm feeing especially anxious I'll read books about TTC. Does any of this really make a difference?? Probably not; however, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Doing something is easier than doing nothing, for me at least.

My favorite bystander TTC comment is, "Just relax, it will happen." This shit infuriates me. But, I got to thinking--maybe these assholes have a point. I wish just relaxing was easy for me. Alas, I'm trying to work on it. 

I wish I could tell you how to get rid of your control/anxiety issues, but I don't think it's an easy feat. I can tell you that I'm here if you need someone to talk to that can relate. Though, I'm starting to realize that a lot of ladies on this forum deal with anxiety. It makes sense though. The super, laid back, type B personalities are probably not the ones that are jumping on a TTC forum

A number of people were confused about that thread (what you're doing to GKU or something) because they thought it was a what are you doing to keep sane thread. I'm inspired to start one. Let's see how the masses cope with this bananas life adventure!!

If I could "just relax" I wouldn't have control issues and anxiety. It's so hard not to flip out on people who say "relax" or "calm down". Don't you think I know I need to relax and calm down?!  Part of the freak out is knowing this but not being able to get enough control of your emotions to actually do it.

Also one of my favorite memes regarding TTC:

[icequeen]

Hi y'all. I just wanted to say, SheilaTheTank, that I also empathize with your feelings and I appreciate you bringing up this topic. I'll first tell you what I experience, how I deal with it, and then give try to give you any insight I have that might help your particular situation.

I have general anxiety with panic attacks and OCD. Also an ED, but that's not too relevant here. Type A and controlling just skim the surface of describing my nature. I have to have a plan, have to follow through, need a predictable routine and outcome otherwise shit hits the fan. I know, I'm just boat loads of fun! Right now I am seeing a psych every 6 weeks and am on 3 different medications for my anxiety and OCD including Prozac, Topamax, and Naltrexone, and I alternate seeing my therapist and dietitian every week. I believe the therapy and medication plays an enormous part in my ability to control my anxiety while TTC. I was not medicated and not seeing a therapist for anxiety or my ED at the beginning of 2015, when I really hit rock bottom and became suicidal over the fact that I couldn't get pregnant. I completely lost it one night and all I could scream at DH was "You need to have sex with me right now otherwise this whole cycle will be ruined and I will kill myself." It was terrible and I even scared the shit out of myself, so DH and I agreed that we needed some kind of outside help. Since then, everything in all aspects of our lives has been on the upswing.

Other than the meds, psych, therapist, and dietitian, I have a journal that I write in every day. I write down all of my feelings and what I'm going through. I have two devotional books that help me stay focused on God (DH and I try to prioritize our faith) and staying strong and hopeful for recovery and peace. Coming on the boards is a godsend to me. I don't know how I could handle this without y'all. Talking to DH can help sometimes, but TBH I try not to talk to him all the time about my ED because he worries too much and I want to leave it up to my treatment team to lead. It's a very complicated disorder and I don't want to burden him. I do talk to him about my anxiety and he is helpful sometimes because of how calm and rational he is. I know this is extremely irritating to some, and to me too sometimes, but DH encourages me to stay faithful and to keep praying and trusting that our time will come again to have another baby. Sometimes I want to punch DH in the face, other times I realize this is why I married him.

Do you talk to DH about your feelings? Does he do anything to help balance you out? I know it's hard not to be compelled to want to have sex ED and be on top of all the things you can be with TTC, but how do you feel when you read the studies that specifically state the facts on when to have sex for the optimal chance for fertilization? Maybe you should keep a set of notecards with sayings on them that are the "truths" about TTC and read them whenever you are feeling anxious. Or journal, or come on here and vent and we can talk you down. Sometimes hospitals or community centers or churches have anxiety workshops or support groups that are little to no cost that you could look into, if you can't afford a private therapist at the moment that is more consistent. I also agree that exercise and getting outside and eating healthier is a big part of feeling better emotionally and mentally.

I hope this is helpful. I know it's long-winded but you can PM me any time if you want to talk! (((HUGS)))

[Andrea]

Apr 8, 2015 16:11:38 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

Over the years I have discovered that my anxiety is inversely proportionate to (perceived) lack of control. I do what I can to minimize this on an everyday basis. Things were going quite well, then we decided to try and have a baby. Hello, anxiety!! 

It's amazing how little control you truly have over something that is so important. Sure, you can do some things to help out, but for the most part it's simply going to happen when it happens. 

So, I do what I can to "gain control". If I feel like I'm doing something to help the process along, it tames the crazy (slightly). I chart BBT, CM, etc. I take my PNV like it's my job. I exercise, eat healthy, try to get lots of sleep. I eat pineapple and drink pom juice... not because I think it's the magic ingredient in getting KTFU, but rather because it gives me something to do. On days that I'm feeing especially anxious I'll read books about TTC. Does any of this really make a difference?? Probably not; however, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Doing something is easier than doing nothing, for me at least.

My favorite bystander TTC comment is, "Just relax, it will happen." This shit infuriates me. But, I got to thinking--maybe these assholes have a point. I wish just relaxing was easy for me. Alas, I'm trying to work on it. 

I wish I could tell you how to get rid of your control/anxiety issues, but I don't think it's an easy feat. I can tell you that I'm here if you need someone to talk to that can relate. Though, I'm starting to realize that a lot of ladies on this forum deal with anxiety. It makes sense though. The super, laid back, type B personalities are probably not the ones that are jumping on a TTC forum

A number of people were confused about that thread (what you're doing to GKU or something) because they thought it was a what are you doing to keep sane thread. I'm inspired to start one. Let's see how the masses cope with this bananas life adventure!!

You took the words out of my mouth! All of us are probably here because we are not the laid back, let things happen kinda peeps.

I am relieved that my DH is not the only one that has taken to the "go with whatever you want to do, supportive but not very stressed" route. He tries really hard to be empathetic, but I don't think he gets how anxious and disgusted I am with my ovaries and their strike.

Hugs to all of you. Thank you for not making feel like a nut job.

Also, if one more person tells me to fucking relax, imma lose my shit.

ETA: fixing weird wording

[Deleted]

Apr 8, 2015 17:29:26 GMT -5 SheilaTheTank said:

Apr 8, 2015 16:11:38 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

Over the years I have discovered that my anxiety is inversely proportionate to (perceived) lack of control. I do what I can to minimize this on an everyday basis. Things were going quite well, then we decided to try and have a baby. Hello, anxiety!! 

It's amazing how little control you truly have over something that is so important. Sure, you can do some things to help out, but for the most part it's simply going to happen when it happens. 

So, I do what I can to "gain control". If I feel like I'm doing something to help the process along, it tames the crazy (slightly). I chart BBT, CM, etc. I take my PNV like it's my job. I exercise, eat healthy, try to get lots of sleep. I eat pineapple and drink pom juice... not because I think it's the magic ingredient in getting KTFU, but rather because it gives me something to do. On days that I'm feeing especially anxious I'll read books about TTC. Does any of this really make a difference?? Probably not; however, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Doing something is easier than doing nothing, for me at least.

My favorite bystander TTC comment is, "Just relax, it will happen." This shit infuriates me. But, I got to thinking--maybe these assholes have a point. I wish just relaxing was easy for me. Alas, I'm trying to work on it. 

I wish I could tell you how to get rid of your control/anxiety issues, but I don't think it's an easy feat. I can tell you that I'm here if you need someone to talk to that can relate. Though, I'm starting to realize that a lot of ladies on this forum deal with anxiety. It makes sense though. The super, laid back, type B personalities are probably not the ones that are jumping on a TTC forum

A number of people were confused about that thread (what you're doing to GKU or something) because they thought it was a what are you doing to keep sane thread. I'm inspired to start one. Let's see how the masses cope with this bananas life adventure!!

If I could "just relax" I wouldn't have control issues and anxiety. It's so hard not to flip out on people who say "relax" or "calm down". Don't you think I know I need to relax and calm down?!  Part of the freak out is knowing this but not being able to get enough control of your emotions to actually do it.

Also one of my favorite memes regarding TTC:

Bahahah! Solid gold!!

[Deleted]

I know a few ladies recommended the Feeling Good handbook by David Burns. I'm waiting for it to come in the mail. In the meantime, I've started reading this and so far it's very interesting.



I hope that's not huge, I'm mobile and cannot see.
ETA: holy shit it WAS huge

[SheilaTheTank]

Apr 8, 2015 18:01:02 GMT -5 icequeen said:

Hi y'all. I just wanted to say, SheilaTheTank, that I also empathize with your feelings and I appreciate you bringing up this topic. I'll first tell you what I experience, how I deal with it, and then give try to give you any insight I have that might help your particular situation.

I have general anxiety with panic attacks and OCD. Also an ED, but that's not too relevant here. Type A and controlling just skim the surface of describing my nature. I have to have a plan, have to follow through, need a predictable routine and outcome otherwise shit hits the fan. I know, I'm just boat loads of fun! Right now I am seeing a psych every 6 weeks and am on 3 different medications for my anxiety and OCD including Prozac, Topamax, and Naltrexone, and I alternate seeing my therapist and dietitian every week. I believe the therapy and medication plays an enormous part in my ability to control my anxiety while TTC. I was not medicated and not seeing a therapist for anxiety or my ED at the beginning of 2015, when I really hit rock bottom and became suicidal over the fact that I couldn't get pregnant. I completely lost it one night and all I could scream at DH was "You need to have sex with me right now otherwise this whole cycle will be ruined and I will kill myself." It was terrible and I even scared the shit out of myself, so DH and I agreed that we needed some kind of outside help. Since then, everything in all aspects of our lives has been on the upswing.

OMG! That is terryfying! I am so, so happy that you and your husband decided to seek help for this. Anxiety and suicidal thoughts are no laughing matter and I have seen more than one friend greatly affected by them. My mother was institutionalized for a short time because of it so I know how scary it can be. 
 
Other than the meds, psych, therapist, and dietitian, I have a journal that I write in every day. I write down all of my feelings and what I'm going through. I have two devotional books that help me stay focused on God (DH and I try to prioritize our faith) and staying strong and hopeful for recovery and peace. Coming on the boards is a godsend to me. I don't know how I could handle this without y'all. Talking to DH can help sometimes, but TBH I try not to talk to him all the time about my ED because he worries too much and I want to leave it up to my treatment team to lead. It's a very complicated disorder and I don't want to burden him. I do talk to him about my anxiety and he is helpful sometimes because of how calm and rational he is. I know this is extremely irritating to some, and to me too sometimes, but DH encourages me to stay faithful and to keep praying and trusting that our time will come again to have another baby. Sometimes I want to punch DH in the face, other times I realize this is why I married him.

It sounds like you and YH make a really great team. T is my rock as well. I completely get wanting to punch him in the face sometimes. Those are the days where even though I know he is being the voice of reason, I don't want to hear it even though deep down I know I need to. 

Do you talk to DH about your feelings? Does he do anything to help balance you out? I know it's hard not to be compelled to want to have sex ED and be on top of all the things you can be with TTC, but how do you feel when you read the studies that specifically state the facts on when to have sex for the optimal chance for fertilization? Maybe you should keep a set of notecards with sayings on them that are the "truths" about TTC and read them whenever you are feeling anxious. Or journal, or come on here and vent and we can talk you down. Sometimes hospitals or community centers or churches have anxiety workshops or support groups that are little to no cost that you could look into, if you can't afford a private therapist at the moment that is more consistent. I also agree that exercise and getting outside and eating healthier is a big part of feeling better emotionally and mentally.

I talked to MH when I got home from work today. I showed him the thread and what I wrote. I'm not good with talking about feelings so showing him helped. We had a talk and he understands where I'm coming from. He's understands my anxiety stems from my lack of control and that if having sex ED helps with that he doesn't mind doing it. 
I like what you said about writing the facts down. It may help as I do have a science background and I like facts. I've been repeating the facts (can take up to a year, only need to have sex 1 in FW, etc.) to myself when the irrational sides starts to creep up again but I think maybe writing them will help them sink in as well as calm me down.
I signed up for a mindfulness workshop at my therapist office. It was an 8 week course and you had to go every week. I got my job on board and they were even going to pay for it as it was also a way to help me manage people better. I went to one session and then my boss said I had to miss two of the sessions for work travel. I was beyond livid as I had made sure they knew about it before I signed up. The next one I can go to won't be until the fall but I will definitely be going.  

I hope this is helpful. I know it's long-winded but you can PM me any time if you want to talk! (((HUGS)))
Once again you have made me smile.

[icequeen]

Apr 8, 2015 18:44:22 GMT -5 SheilaTheTank said:

Apr 8, 2015 18:01:02 GMT -5 icequeen said:

Hi y'all. I just wanted to say, SheilaTheTank, that I also empathize with your feelings and I appreciate you bringing up this topic. I'll first tell you what I experience, how I deal with it, and then give try to give you any insight I have that might help your particular situation.

I have general anxiety with panic attacks and OCD. Also an ED, but that's not too relevant here. Type A and controlling just skim the surface of describing my nature. I have to have a plan, have to follow through, need a predictable routine and outcome otherwise shit hits the fan. I know, I'm just boat loads of fun! Right now I am seeing a psych every 6 weeks and am on 3 different medications for my anxiety and OCD including Prozac, Topamax, and Naltrexone, and I alternate seeing my therapist and dietitian every week. I believe the therapy and medication plays an enormous part in my ability to control my anxiety while TTC. I was not medicated and not seeing a therapist for anxiety or my ED at the beginning of 2015, when I really hit rock bottom and became suicidal over the fact that I couldn't get pregnant. I completely lost it one night and all I could scream at DH was "You need to have sex with me right now otherwise this whole cycle will be ruined and I will kill myself." It was terrible and I even scared the shit out of myself, so DH and I agreed that we needed some kind of outside help. Since then, everything in all aspects of our lives has been on the upswing.

OMG! That is terryfying! I am so, so happy that you and your husband decided to seek help for this. Anxiety and suicidal thoughts are no laughing matter and I have seen more than one friend greatly affected by them. My mother was institutionalized for a short time because of it so I know how scary it can be. 
 
Other than the meds, psych, therapist, and dietitian, I have a journal that I write in every day. I write down all of my feelings and what I'm going through. I have two devotional books that help me stay focused on God (DH and I try to prioritize our faith) and staying strong and hopeful for recovery and peace. Coming on the boards is a godsend to me. I don't know how I could handle this without y'all. Talking to DH can help sometimes, but TBH I try not to talk to him all the time about my ED because he worries too much and I want to leave it up to my treatment team to lead. It's a very complicated disorder and I don't want to burden him. I do talk to him about my anxiety and he is helpful sometimes because of how calm and rational he is. I know this is extremely irritating to some, and to me too sometimes, but DH encourages me to stay faithful and to keep praying and trusting that our time will come again to have another baby. Sometimes I want to punch DH in the face, other times I realize this is why I married him.

It sounds like you and YH make a really great team. T is my rock as well. I completely get wanting to punch him in the face sometimes. Those are the days where even though I know he is being the voice of reason, I don't want to hear it even though deep down I know I need to. 

Do you talk to DH about your feelings? Does he do anything to help balance you out? I know it's hard not to be compelled to want to have sex ED and be on top of all the things you can be with TTC, but how do you feel when you read the studies that specifically state the facts on when to have sex for the optimal chance for fertilization? Maybe you should keep a set of notecards with sayings on them that are the "truths" about TTC and read them whenever you are feeling anxious. Or journal, or come on here and vent and we can talk you down. Sometimes hospitals or community centers or churches have anxiety workshops or support groups that are little to no cost that you could look into, if you can't afford a private therapist at the moment that is more consistent. I also agree that exercise and getting outside and eating healthier is a big part of feeling better emotionally and mentally.

I talked to MH when I got home from work today. I showed him the thread and what I wrote. I'm not good with talking about feelings so showing him helped. We had a talk and he understands where I'm coming from. He's understands my anxiety stems from my lack of control and that if having sex ED helps with that he doesn't mind doing it. 
I like what you said about writing the facts down. It may help as I do have a science background and I like facts. I've been repeating the facts (can take up to a year, only need to have sex 1 in FW, etc.) to myself when the irrational sides starts to creep up again but I think maybe writing them will help them sink in as well as calm me down.
I signed up for a mindfulness workshop at my therapist office. It was an 8 week course and you had to go every week. I got my job on board and they were even going to pay for it as it was also a way to help me manage people better. I went to one session and then my boss said I had to miss two of the sessions for work travel. I was beyond livid as I had made sure they knew about it before I signed up. The next one I can go to won't be until the fall but I will definitely be going.  

I hope this is helpful. I know it's long-winded but you can PM me any time if you want to talk! (((HUGS)))
Once again you have made me smile.

The workshop sounds like an amazing opportunity. This was exactly something I was referring to. I think it would be so awesome if you could go but it sucks that it's not until later. Maybe if you feel like you can't verbalize your feelings often with YH, it might be a good idea to write them down and read them back to yourself to see if they make sense and then go over them with YH. Sometimes I need to write all of my thoughts down before I confront MH because I get so frazzled and get anxious just by confronting him. You can do this!

[paloslee]

I think we all have that feeling of trying to "control" TTC. DH does have OCD and anxiety. He stresses a lot more than I do. We were doing everyday sex during FW but now DH is willing to do EOD because he was like well let's try something different.
Hugs to u. Hopefully you can find other activities to keep u distracted. I try to go to the gym regularly. I like to go to zumba class or go out for hikes. I also enjoy doing weekend outings with DH. We'll have date nights and have drunken moments

[Deleted]

Apr 8, 2015 11:17:52 GMT -5 mugster said:

I also love being in control, and hate that I can't "earn" getting pregnant by doing all the things.

I just bought the Circle and Bloom guided meditations. I don't think that they are going to help me get pregnant, but I do find guided meditation helpful as a way to deal with my stress and anxiety in general. I also run as a way of working out some of those feelings.

Hey, mugster -

Have you done any of the circle and bloom meditations yet? What do you think?

[mugster]

Apr 9, 2015 17:07:03 GMT -5 @303sunshine said:

Apr 8, 2015 11:17:52 GMT -5 mugster said:

I also love being in control, and hate that I can't "earn" getting pregnant by doing all the things.

I just bought the Circle and Bloom guided meditations. I don't think that they are going to help me get pregnant, but I do find guided meditation helpful as a way to deal with my stress and anxiety in general. I also run as a way of working out some of those feelings.

Hey, mugster -

Have you done any of the circle and bloom meditations yet? What do you think?

I've done three and I like them. That said, I imagine any guided meditation would be about as useful, and imagine that I could have found something similar for cheaper if I hadn't wanted the fertility focus.

All of the Circle and Bloom meditations follow the same basic pattern. For five minutes or so, the guider asks you to take deep breaths and then focus on different parts of your body and release tension there. She always moves either from the head down to the feet or the reverse, but there have been different visualization techniques: imagine a blanket is covering you, visualize the energy moving through you etc.

Then there is a longer (seven minutes or so) visualization that has to do with where you should be in your cycle. The program assumes a 28 day cycle, and has you imagine that everything is moving according to that pace, although it does suggest that you don't have to be exact. Somebody in a review I read complained that it was really disconcerting to be imagining the embryo implanting, and then get their period later that day, so I imagine if your cycles are very short or very long you would need to tweak it in order to imagine that there was a connection between what you were thinking about and what was happening. Anyway, you mostly just imagine that parts of your body are doing their job. The hypothalamus and pituitary are regulating your hormones just right, your fallopian tubes are open and cushiony, your lining is thickening (you can tell where I am in my cycle...). Part of the theory behind this is that what you visualize can become truth (again, not sure how far I'm willing to go with that, but...).

Finally, there is a often another visualization that has to do with other things related to TTC, like the energy you are getting from other people, or just imagining yourself planting seeds in fertile ground and then growing into a flower. Then she counts you out and that is it. Each session is about 15 minutes.

The biggest negative for me so far is her voice, which is not the most soothing one I've ever heard. I also know that there is some strange meditation coming where you recall a time you didn't want to get pregnant in order to let go of the block you might have created then (or something). I'm not sure how I feel about that one.

TLDR: It is relaxing in a yoga lite kind of way. I don't regret the $$, but you can probably get the same benefits for less.

[Deleted]

Thank you, mugster. I'm having an especially anxious day today and I'm willing to try just about anything

Next stop, voodoo hippie circle and bloom meditation

For the record, I think we need to do a stand up comedy routine about TTC... Once we're old and have all the babies we could ever want. Between putting my legs up in the air like a dead bug after sex and envisioning your cushy lining, I think we have some killer material!