Attending funerals when PG. Discuss

[leenziepops]

I'm not superstitious. I will walk under ladders, open umbrellas indoors and don't give two shits if I see a black cat crossing my path. However, I do feel odd about being pregnant and attending funerals and cemeteries. My DH thinks I'm being silly. I will be attending a family funeral and attending the church ceremony. However, that's where I draw the line. I don't want to go to the burial and be amongst graveyards. My sister, who is also like me  & is PG, agrees that there is something unnerving about being PG and being at a cemetery. 

What are your thoughts about this topic? 
Do you have particular religious or cultural beliefs? 
Please share. 


Eta for clarity: My DHs family believe I shouldn't be going to the burial. This has strongly weighed into my decision since this is their family. This thread is more for discussion rather than advice.

[bendherova]

I've never heard this as a superstition before.

[Widget123]

If I was close enough to the person who died I wouldn't think twice about attending all funeral events.  If I wasn't that close to the person I wouldn't want to go, unless to support DH, but it has nothing to do with superstition.  I am generally not superstitious at all.

[ombradellarosa]

I hate funerals in general. I did attend a memorial for a family member at a cemetery a few weeks ago and it was unnerving all right, but I couldn't say whether it was because I was pregnant. I did feel particularly uncomfortable though.

[apollo11235]

I've never heard of this. I'm skipping the belated memorial service for my grandma next month, but that's just because it's across the country and I'll be 37 weeks pregnant. Aside from travel, the pregnancy wouldn't change whether I'd go or not.

[ravinraven216]

If it's because you're pregnant and feeling unwell, not attending is acceptable. Avoiding a funeral or burial while pregnant just because it gives you the heebie jeebies is less so. However, I would not attend a burial unless it was a close friend or relative because I think that only those closest to the deceased should be there.

[leenziepops]

This is DHs grandma's funeral. Both my mum and his mum have said it's part of their beliefs but I want to at least be there at the church to pay my respects. I also think the burial will be emotionally stressful for me in addition to the church ceremony. My DH is fine with my decisions. I think it's a common superstition among Asians and European cultures

[tiffbot]

I've never heard of that superstition before. I went to my grandpa's funeral and burial in January, it wouldn't have crossed my mind not to.

ETA: I actually find the burial to be when I can get closure.

[silv3rlining]

Never heard the superstition before, but cultural I could understand where it's coming from. My Pappy passed away when I was pregnant with DS and I drove out of state to be at his funeral. I even did the scripture reading during mass and put the photo boards together for the memorial.

[purpledaisy923]

I've never heard of this superstition before. I did go to a memorial service for one of DH's coworkers in February and I did feel awkward being there. However, I think the weird feelings were there because I had only met the guy who passed a few times (I was mainly there to support DH) and that the guy was unfortunately murdered, which is creepy on it's own.

[noname83]

I also haven't heard of the superstition. If it was someone close, as it is in your case, I would probably go. My husband's uncle's mother died about a month ago and while I offered to go to the funeral to be supportive of his family, my husband felt strongly about me not going. This was unusual for him, but he didn't like the idea of a pregnant woman around so many negative emotions. Since it wasn't a close relative, I didn't insist, but if his family had felt I should have been there, I would have gone.

In terms of going to the graveyard specifically, I would probably just ask what your husband/his family wants you to do and go with that.

[honeybunches101]

I will likely be going to a family funeral in the next week or two. I have never heard of this superstition before. I really don't like funerals, but I think it's important to go to this one to support DH and his family. I pretty much sob hysterically no matter how little I know the deceased and I worry that it's inappropriate, but I can't really help it. I'm sure pregnancy hormones will make it even worse.

[dmoney]

Apr 21, 2015 1:01:02 GMT -5 leenziepops said:

I'm not superstitious. I will walk under ladders, open umbrellas indoors and don't give two shits if I see a black cat crossing my path. However, I do feel odd about being pregnant and attending funerals and cemeteries. My DH thinks I'm being silly. I will be attending a family funeral and attending the church ceremony. However, that's where I draw the line. I don't want to go to the burial and be amongst graveyards. My sister, who is also like me  & is PG, agrees that there is something unnerving about being PG and being at a cemetery. 

What are your thoughts about this topic? 
Do you have particular religious or cultural beliefs? 
Please share. 

  In Judaism ( I am Jewish) it is actually very bad luck (im semi superstitious) about going into a cemetery while pregnant.  I am not an expert on it, but I found this on the reasoning behind it. 

"Question:



I heard that there could be a problem with a pregnant woman visiting a cemetery. Is that true?



Answer:



There is no clause in Jewish law that forbids pregnant women from entering cemeteries. However, there seems to be a longstanding custom to avoid this.



Why is this?



I have heard it said that this is out of concern for the health of the mother and fetus. A pregnant mother's emotional state has a strong effect on her unborn child, and cemeteries often invite the type of negative feelings which are potentially unhealthy for the baby.



In addition, it is said that certain negative spiritual forces found in a cemetery may attach themselves more easily to a pregnant woman as she is more vulnerable than others. To prevent this, pregnant women are accustomed to stay away. To date, I have not found either of these reasons written in any reliable source.



Rabbi Yitzchak Yaakov Weiss1 (1902-1989) suggests a novel reason for this custom:



The Torah2 describes the fascinating ritual of the Parah Adumah (red heifer) whose ashes mixed with water were used in the ablution of one who came in contact with the dead and was thus ritually impure.



Many precautions were taken to ensure that whoever handled the ashes and the water was absolutely pure. In fact, the Mishnah3 tells of a colony of children in Jerusalem who lived in an area specifically constructed to prevent their contracting any sort of ritual impurity. These super-pure children would then have the honor of drawing water to be mixed with ash.



Rabbi Weiss posits that the women who chose to raise their children in this colony would take care not to come in contact with anything impure—including cemeteries—for the entire duration of their pregnancies. He suggests that even though we are now in exile and there is neither Parah Adumah nor a special colony of children to draw the water, pregnant women still avoid going to cemeteries out of faith and hope that the era of Moshiach will come soon, and their children will be the first to enroll in the special colony.



In addition, there is a custom that women married to members of the priestly Kohen families, whose male children will be Kohanim as well, do not enter cemeteries during their pregnancy. This is because it is forbidden for a priest (even a very little one) to come in contact with the dead or enter a cemetery. While there are strong halachic grounds for leniency in this case, some women married to Kohanim are careful nonetheless.



This is not law, however, but a time-honored custom. So if you are pregnant and need to go to a cemetery, talk to your rabbi concerning how to proceed."


With that being said, I typically go to visit my grandparents every year around the anniversaries of their death, and so far I have missed both of my grandmothers because I wont go in.  When my parents go they have said "hi" for me and filled them in on what is going on in our lives.  Now with my Grandfather, the anniversary of his death is actually my due date. So while it is a sad day for my mom, I am hoping that I am able to make it a cheerful day for her.  If this does happen, then Once I am able to drive I will be going to the Cemetery to visit and to introduce them to their newest great granddaughter.


Hope this little bit helps!!

[wifedeangel]

While I understand respecting the traditions of your families, the superstition of evil spirits attaching themselves to a fetus is silly. There's no way a loving and merciful God would allow an innocent like that to be hurt.

[mrskblack11]

Apr 21, 2015 7:45:54 GMT -5 wifedeangel said:

While I understand respecting the traditions of your families, the superstition of evil spirits attaching themselves to a fetus is silly. There's no way a loving and merciful God would allow an innocent like that to be hurt.

I don't believe in superstitions. I do believe in God. I don't think you can say that God wouldn't allow an innocent to be hurt. Innocent babies are hurt and die all the time.

OP, If you don't feel comfortable going to the cemetery due to your beliefs, then you are under no obligation to go. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem going especially if it were for close family member.

[leenziepops]

Apr 21, 2015 7:45:54 GMT -5 wifedeangel said:

While I understand respecting the traditions of your families, the superstition of evil spirits attaching themselves to a fetus is silly. There's no way a loving and merciful God would allow an innocent like that to be hurt.

Interesting that you would call certain superstitions silly, yet you completely turn a blind eye to the fact that innocent babies die all the time. I'm not trying to turn this into a religious debate but your post did not make any sense to me.

[billyhorrible]

I've never heard this. And I definitely made trips to the cemetery when I was pregnant with my first to "show" my dad his first grandchild. I'm also much more into the tradition of cemeteries being a place of family and community not creepy.

And I attended my grandmother's memorial service this weekend.

[leenziepops]

Kristykristyleelee I'm doing what I feel comfortable with and what DH and his family feel comfortable with. His MIL actually suggested I don't attend the burial. This thread was more for discussion than advice because I have already decided.

[leenziepops]

Apr 21, 2015 8:17:08 GMT -5 billyhorrible said:

I've never heard this. And I definitely made trips to the cemetery when I was pregnant with my first to "show" my dad his first grandchild. I'm also much more into the tradition of cemeteries being a place of family and community not creepy.

And I attended my grandmother's memorial service this weekend.

I agree with cemeteries being a place of family. We have a yearly tradition where we actually have a meal at the grave of loved ones. This is only a tradition on my side of the family.

[wifedeangel]

Without getting into a debate, babies dying is only a tragedy for the remaining living. The dead return to Heaven and don't have to suffer the trials of mortality. That's all.

[Deleted]

I had no idea this was a thing. I have learn something new today.

[sugarkissed]

Add me to the list of never having heard of this before. I attended a funeral on Friday and never thought twice about it.

[alayne926]

Apr 21, 2015 8:45:16 GMT -5 wifedeangel said:

Without getting into a debate, babies dying is only a tragedy for the remaining living. The dead return to Heaven and don't have to suffer the trials of mortality. That's all.

What about the poor babies that are abused and then die from that trauma? I would certainly consider that a tragedy for the child.

[wifedeangel]

All done. Not hijacking this thread.

[Deleted]

Apr 21, 2015 8:45:16 GMT -5 wifedeangel said:

Without getting into a debate, babies dying is only a tragedy for the remaining living. The dead return to Heaven and don't have to suffer the trials of mortality. That's all.

I would find this ridiculously patronizing and insulting if someone said this to me after I lost a baby, because I don't even remotely believe it, and would have to restrain myself from punching them in the face.

[alayne926]

Apr 21, 2015 10:05:18 GMT -5 wifedeangel said:

All done. Not hijacking this thread.

No hijacking going on.  leenziepops asked for a discussion.  Personally, I think it makes our board a little more interesting when there's some debate going on.

[Girlymama79]

I've never heard of this. When I was pg with dd2 my grandpa fell ill one day. It was discovered it was a large bleed in his brain and he would never recover. They pulled the plug that day. I was in the room when he passed. Per my grandpas wishes there was no funeral. It was really stressful. My dr told me to severely limit my activity to compensate for the extra stress since my body loves preterm contractions (thankfully not preterm labor though!)

[missjenniebean]

I have actually never heard of this being a superstition but could see why in some cultures, it would be something to be cautious about. I'll have to ask SO about his culture, it is a very interesting.


ETA: leenziepops, this might be a good topic on the Interracial/ Interfaith Families Board, they might have some more insight on the superstition as a lot of them have Asian backgrounds somewhere in their relationships. Nothing against the ladies here, just thought it might be a good idea!

[Deleted]

Oh the opposite spectrum of this, I actually found that going to the graveside and service of my FIL, I felt deeply connected and attributed a lot of it to being pregnant. I can't explain it, but I just felt like I knew FIL is watching over us. For me, it was a positive experience in that regard, minus the obvious devastation that he had passed.

[leenziepops]

Apr 21, 2015 10:25:21 GMT -5 @kej0004 said:

Apr 21, 2015 8:20:29 GMT -5 leenziepops said:

Kristykristyleelee I'm doing what I feel comfortable with and what DH and his family feel comfortable with. His MIL actually suggested I don't attend the burial. This thread was more for discussion than advice because I have already decided.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of heritage/background is this tradition from?

My DH is Serbian. I'm Chinese. If there were no concerns on DHs side, I would have brushed aside my feelings but me being at the burial makes some of them uncomfortable.