But weren't they only together a few months? That's quite a torch to carry. I also wonder if he knows the extent to which she is considering all this stuff.
Also, I met DH the summer before my senior year of high school. We lived together before we got married and waited 8 years to get married. I am now 33. We have grown together. Just because she and her H were young when the met and married doesn't mean that it can't work out. Jesus.
Aaand if DH told me he didn't think I was giving him all the love he deserved or I could, my reaction wouldn't be "be done with me then" It would be oh shit let's fix this.
To the bolded - not sure if that was directed at my post, but I meant my post to mean that getting married and having a kid in the same year was just one of mine and MH's contributing marriage stressors. I didn't mean it applies across the board to all couples.
No, it's about the greatest amount of happiness for your daughter.
It's so sad this has to be pointed out.
Obviously, if someone is miserable in their marriage, even if they have children it's perfectly right to divorce and try to find personal happiness elsewhere.
But the children should be the primary focus, above all things. You find your happiness around doing what's best for them. These don't have to be mutually exclusive, but it takes pulling your head out of your ass and putting your child first.
In all things, this is about what POW wants and the DD is just along for the ride. That is...tragic.
At this point, this is what is upsetting for me. I think if she's not happy, then she needs to get out of an unhappy marriage. But she should also focus on, given that she needs to be out of her marriage to be happy, what is best for her DD.
but why do you have to leave? I get that you hate the place, but I think you hate more than just the place. If you get a chance to become happy with your job, with yourself, with your relationship, location means very little.
I don't see why you couldn't go home to see your fam in LA anytime, married or divorced.
I can understand wanting family support if your ex-H doesn't co-parent and help out. It's pretty damn hard to parent on your own in a place you hate and have no connections.
But if the ex-H wants to be involved and active, then yeah. He should be given the chance to do so.
oh yeah, for sure. I got the sense that he is a good dad and does want to co-parent.
And this would result in DD and I leaving. If it weren't for DD I would already be gone. So it comes to what is going to create the greatest amount of happiness for the greatest amount of people. Stay for DD to have her dad or move for us to have family and I stop complaining about being in this place. Let DH tell it I have been complaining since I got here and even before DD was born.
but why do you have to leave? I get that you hate the place, but I think you hate more than just the place. If you get a chance to become happy with your job, with yourself, with your relationship, location means very little.
I don't see why you couldn't go home to see your fam in LA anytime, married or divorced.
Because if a major issue is family and not having any family support system here then why would I stay. DH doesn't trust DD going to stay with his family. I have said to him that when I moved I anticipated more career opportunities. It's not really happening so I have nothing hold me. He doesn't have a career that can't be transferred. DH is not going to get a divorce with me still being here.
I do visit my family and my mom comes here. She and my grandma and aunts are coming up in June as a matter of fact.
I don't have a problem with being alone but now it would be alone as a mother and that's where the fear is. If it were only me it would be a simple choice.
but why do you have to leave? I get that you hate the place, but I think you hate more than just the place. If you get a chance to become happy with your job, with yourself, with your relationship, location means very little.
I don't see why you couldn't go home to see your fam in LA anytime, married or divorced.
I can understand wanting family support if your ex-H doesn't co-parent and help out. It's pretty damn hard to parent on your own in a place you hate and have no connections.
But if the ex-H wants to be involved and active, then yeah. He should be given the chance to do so.
Right, if your X is a raging douche and has not desire to be an active parent, then you go get family support. But if the father wants to co-parent and be involved, then it's best for the kid to have her Dad around.
I am not sure why I am still replying. I think you want to go to LA, so you are going to make whatever reasons or excuses why it's the best because it's what you want to do.
but why do you have to leave? I get that you hate the place, but I think you hate more than just the place. If you get a chance to become happy with your job, with yourself, with your relationship, location means very little.
I don't see why you couldn't go home to see your fam in LA anytime, married or divorced.
Because if a major issue is family and not having any family support system here then why would I stay. DH doesn't trust DD going to stay with his family. I have said to him that when I moved I anticipated more career opportunities. It's not really happening so I have nothing hold me. He doesn't have a career that can't be transferred. DH is not going to get a divorce with me still being here.
I do visit my family and my mom comes here. She and my grandma and aunts are coming up in June as a matter of fact.
I don't have a problem with being alone but now it would be alone as a mother and that's where the fear is. If it were only me it would be a simple choice.
I get it. you're pissed at your H for not being more flexible. I would be too. But step outside of yourself and look at your daughter. She deserves to have two parents in her life who love her. If that's possible (i.e. your H is a good dad and wants to be in her life), you have to be an adult and grit your teeth to make that happen.
And this would result in DD and I leaving. If it weren't for DD I would already be gone. So it comes to what is going to create the greatest amount of happiness for the greatest amount of people. Stay for DD to have her dad or move for us to have family and I stop complaining about being in this place. Let DH tell it I have been complaining since I got here and even before DD was born.
You are putting so much on your DD with this statement. DD alone is NOT a reason to stay married, given all the other factors you have revealed in this thread. Staying married and making DD the 'reason' would be doing her a huge disservice.
Get a divorce. Work with exH to coparent and both be involved in her life. This is a perfectly reasonable thing that many people do.
Staying married 'because of her,' meanwhile either moving her thousands of miles from her father or carrying on a relationship with another person, which she will doubtless figure out and which will doubtless affect her, is NOT reasonable by any measure. And to say you are doing so 'for her' is complete bullshit.
Post by pearlofwisdom on Apr 22, 2015 9:52:26 GMT -5
@bruxannie, DH thinks it is possible to be involved and co-parent from a distance if that's the route we take. He won't get to see her daily but he will still show her he loves her and plan visits. It's not a simple case for sure but it's not like it never happens in any person's life.
mack, La is not the end game it's just an opportunity. Before the offer came up DH had decided I would be here for a while until I got some things taken care of and then I could make a move. And it is a possibility in some years he would be ready for a move. He doesn't want to go now until he feels he has finished his lessons or whatever.
To the bolded - not sure if that was directed at my post, but I meant my post to mean that getting married and having a kid in the same year was just one of mine and MH's contributing marriage stressors. I didn't mean it applies across the board to all couples.
Oh god no triplea598, I am sorry. It was because POW said they were 25 when they got married and she's 30 now or whatever. I know everyone will grow differently as people no matter when they get married but it sounded like she was blaming it on that and that pissed me off.
Oh okay, lol. I really don't even understand what the hell is going on in this thread anymore anyways. It's probably time I step away because I just keep coming up with more and more questions that will probably be followed-up with even more confusing answers.
@bruxannie, DH thinks it is possible to be involved and co-parent from a distance if that's the route we take. He won't get to see her daily but he will still show her he loves her and plan visits. It's not a simple case for sure but it's not like it never happens in any person's life.
mack, La is not the end game it's just an opportunity. Before the offer came up DH had decided I would be here for a while until I got some things taken care of and then I could make a move. And it is a possibility in some years he would be ready for a move. He doesn't want to go now until he feels he has finished his lessons or whatever.
This is not the same as having a parent in your life daily. It's just not.
Taking a step back, you have always seemed extremely self centered and unable to empathize or connect in a typical fashion. This might not be your intentions, but I would guess it's something that is innate within you. Some people aren't naturally proficient at typical social interaction or communication, and that's ok.
I hope you do actually see a counselor who can provide you with a rational third party position and offer guidance.
I guess I am not stuck with PoW staying in PA because of the "culture" or religion that her DH is now embarking on. I know PPs have brought up "well she isn't worried about it."
However, it the little bit that I read, it seems very extreme. Maybe it hasn't been an issue now - because he is new to it, because her DD is young, etc. But if he is ok with it then I would most definitely take this opportunity to move back close to my people. Because no one knows where is mindset will be down the road.
*I do concede that I only read a little bit about it so my opinion about the religion could be ignorant.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
DH has given you opportunities to come to the right decision on your own and you are failing those tests.
Also, TX making you think some of these options more attractive than they are.
Andplusalso super long distance and phone parenting never the optimal choice.
I guess I don't know why he is even still with me. Sure I have never physically cheated but I'm not all in.
I admit that I am not sure how much I would be considering the move at this very moment if not for Tx but I did want to eventually move. I don't actually want to live in La forever but since the opportunity is there it would be a stepping stone.
It's not optimal. I don't want it to be years later and we're still stuck in this cycle.
I think you are unhappy in yourself and looking for feelings outside to fill a void. Because you have a husband that loves you so much apparently, that he just wants to see you happy, even if it is heartbreaking for him.
feels more like a sociopathic lack of empathy and singular focus on herself...
This is not brand new information. She has been posting for years and doesn't know most of the regulars.
If LA isn't where you want to be forever, then don't make the move. In three short years, your daughter will be in school. I think it's best for a kid to spend their childhood in one place, not having to always be the new kid in school.
If LA isn't where you want to be forever, then don't make the move. In three short years, your daughter will be in school. I think it's best for a kid to spend their childhood in one place, not having to always be the new kid in school.
Speaking of school, that was one of my concerns right now. She loves it and enjoys it and has friends there. She hugs her little "boyfriend" when she gets there every morning. There is nothing like that where we would be going in La. La feels like an extra step that I didn't necessarily want to take and I hadn't planned to make the move until I figured out a plan.
POW has never been on my radar previously, that I can remember. This is all out of left field for me.
I hardly ever talk about DH good or bad. No complaints. He doesn't piss me off. He is just giving in to anything I want and not speaking up until now. Like he didn't think I was serious. We don't have much time together. He works nights, sleeps days, sometimes I work until about 40 minutes before he has to go back to work.
Speaking of school, that was one of my concerns right now. She loves it and enjoys it and has friends there. She hugs her little "boyfriend" when she gets there every morning. There is nothing like that where we would be going in La. La feels like an extra step that I didn't necessarily want to take and I hadn't planned to make the move until I figured out a plan.
...they don't have preschool in LA?
In my hometown there is a headstart which she is too young for. She's too old for early head start. I sure I would not financial qualify for either. I think there is one daycare that is likely full. She would stay with my grandmother doing the day but I am not sold on that. I could put her in the daycare in the city that I would work in but then I would be doing all of that myself during the day. My job would be flexible.
In my hometown there is a headstart which she is too young for. She's too old for early head start. I sure I would not financial qualify for either. I think there is one daycare that is likely full. She would stay with my grandmother doing the day but I am not sold on that. I could put her in the daycare in the city that I would work in but then I would be doing all of that myself during the day. My job would be flexible.
Yes, if you get a divorce/leave your husband and move 16 hours away from him, you will have to do most of the parenting ALL BY YOURSELF. What else do you expect? I'm concerned that you haven't thought that through.
I guess I don't know why he is even still with me. Sure I have never physically cheated but I'm not all in.
I admit that I am not sure how much I would be considering the move at this very moment if not for Tx but I did want to eventually move. I don't actually want to live in La forever but since the opportunity is there it would be a stepping stone.
It's not optimal. I don't want it to be years later and we're still stuck in this cycle.
Your DH is in a very confused state himself. This is why you need a grounded, independent third party.
Back in the day DH just was so determined to be married and prove that it was a good man to everyone. Now he is in the nation and his views have changed. Not saying he wouldn't want to be with me but the dynamic would be different. I on the other hand don't have the same views and would have *never* had a child by someone I wasn't married to. Not judging anyone put that's my preference and not saying that it can't be done without being married. I wouldn't have moved here if we were not married.
If LA isn't where you want to be forever, then don't make the move. In three short years, your daughter will be in school. I think it's best for a kid to spend their childhood in one place, not having to always be the new kid in school.
A lot of children move and aren't broken. I am not going to stay in one place forever that I hate just so my kids aren't the new kid. Shit happens.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
Post by owlishbookish on Apr 22, 2015 10:22:37 GMT -5
I'm just going to say one thing and step back again. As a person whose parents "stayed together for the kid," I can tell you that it is an incredible amount of pressure for said kid to take. The parents' relationship doesn't have to be a contentious one. If they're not all in it and are obviously dissatisfied, the kid will eventually pick up on that. In my case, my parents were unhappy for years and almost divorced when I was in middle school, then decided to not move forward with it "for my sake." They obviously weren't happy and that put a lot of weight on me. I wound up going through major depression throughout my teen years. They were distracted enough to not notice that I needed professional help and I didn't know who to ask for it or even how to speak up about it. I've since gotten professional help, but I will be honest and say that it impacts my own relationship takes a lot of ongoing effort to combat.
TL, DR: Just remember your DD in all this. She deserves two happy parents. It's better to give her two happy parents apart than two unhappy ones in the same house.
If LA isn't where you want to be forever, then don't make the move. In three short years, your daughter will be in school. I think it's best for a kid to spend their childhood in one place, not having to always be the new kid in school.
A lot of children move and aren't broken. I am not going to stay in one place forever that I hate just so my kids aren't the new kid. Shit happens.
I don't disagree. I just think that this LA plan is a whole lot of cart before the horse. Moving, just to move again because it wasn't well-thought out in the first place, isn't the best idea.
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