Look, if you can't answer that basic question, you're shit out of luck on the rest of it.
I don't know. He's a good guy, husband, and father so my mind says it is the right thing to stay married. My heart not so much.
The only reason I even thought about the other guy is because DH asked me if I ever actually had feelings for anyone I had been with it.
I guess I look at the fact that you DO want other romantic involvement as a big factor. It would be "fine" to stay for the above reasons if you weren't in love anymore if you didn't want to seek other relationships, but you do. And you're young. You're not an old lady keeping up appearances. And since you want to move so badly and he absolutely doesn't, I can't see a reason to stay married.
Post by pearlofwisdom on Apr 21, 2015 16:03:45 GMT -5
Oh and DH doesn't believe in the Europeanized idea of legal marriage so if we met each other later in life we would have never actually gotten married. He would have a committed relationship without the "paper."
I guess, I am not sure that I really think he's totally cool with it. Emotional affairs are really devestating. And even if you guys end up in a divorce, you are going to create pain and hurt that is going to cloud your friendship and coparenting relationship going forward. They are just really are bad, bad news.
I think he legit does not care because he is: 1- just as checked out if the relationship as she is, and 2- so into his new culture that it has become his life so the kid and wife are kind of an inconvenience at this point. Easy out for him.
Oh and DH doesn't believe in the Europeanized idea of legal marriage so if we met each other later in life we would have never actually gotten married. He would have a committed relationship without the "paper."
.....
You aren't describing a committed relationship now. Who *cares* about the legality?
Oh and DH doesn't believe in the Europeanized idea of legal marriage so if we met each other later in life we would have never actually gotten married. He would have a committed relationship without the "paper."
You are clearly feeding on the drama of this. No wonder you aren't even trying to answer the difficult questions - the drama disappears once you make a decision.
What else do you want me to say? I'm pretty sure I answered everything.
Oh and DH doesn't believe in the Europeanized idea of legal marriage so if we met each other later in life we would have never actually gotten married. He would have a committed relationship without the "paper."
.....
You aren't describing a committed relationship now. Who *cares* about the legality?
Not saying with me. So he would never get married again if we divorced. I would.
The other time we lived apart as a married couple was before DD so I realize this is a much different situation. If it weren't for DD I would already be gone.
Don't stay married just for your DDs sake. She will grow up and know you're unhappy.
My main consideration about DD is what her opportunities are in LA. I would hate to take her from her dad but she would also have family in Louisiana.
To me any sort of family relationship doesn't make up for not having her dad around in a meaningful way. What would your intentions be if you moved? Visit a lot isn't specific enough. One weekend a month plus summers? What about holidays? Or would you get visits when you got around to it?
Also, whether or not he would have gotten married if he met you later in life is irrelevant to the situation. You are married now.
To me, the change in religion would be enough to leave. If you were worried about your daughter's safety being exposed to the religion, that would be reason enough to move, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Everyone has given you great advice. Counseling, decide if you really want to be married, divorce and co parent if you don't.
Oh and DH doesn't believe in the Europeanized idea of legal marriage so if we met each other later in life we would have never actually gotten married. He would have a committed relationship without the "paper."
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
What else do you want me to say? I'm pretty sure I answered everything.
I mean, you aren't willing to do the work to answer - for yourself, not us - if you WANT to stay married, what's best for your daughter, are you being driven by the belief that the grass is greener, what's the benefit to staying married v. getting divorced, etc.
You are simply, as someone else said, floating along, hoping circumstances force you into a decision so you can say, "It was out of my control, I had to do it this way." You don't want to take responsibility and make a decision as an adult.
Staying married would be for my daughter and we would stay in PA. I am not driven by the grass is greener. I have talked to DH about the many reasons it probably wouldn't work with the other guy. Moving to Louisiana would actually make it less likely. Sure we would see each other but it could get old. If I were moving to TX it would be different but still not guaranteed. The difficult part of the divorce would just be the process of it all.
DH is not trying to fight for me to stay. He now knows about the offer and is gone to the gym. He feels like it is his fault from taking me from LA in the first place and feels like he has no say. When I ask him what he wants me to do he says he doesn't want me to put it on him.
What if he's just letting you build up a pile of evidence so he can fuck with you when he files for divorce?
This. You're talking about moving your kid across state lines while you're having an affair with someone (sex or no sex, that's what it is). Do you know how dumb that is? Legally, you're exposing yourself to all sorts of trouble.
If you want to move with your daughter to LA to be closer to your family, I get that 100%, but if you do, you need to talk to a lawyer NOW and be prepared to go to the mattresses over custody issues, because it is incredibly difficult to set up custody agreements across state lines, especially if it does end up in divorce, because a divorce that involves affairs and all the other foolishness going on between the two of you can turn nasty in a hurry. You need to CYA and start thinking with your head, not with your twat.
I'm not even going to go into the absurdity of staying married to someone you aren't in love with, don't live with, and have no other connection to other than your child OR getting into some online affair with an old flame, shipping out to another state to be closer to him, and leaving your kid with your mom so you can go shack up with him. Honey, you should know better, and you need to know that if your husband has a lick of sense and lawyers up while you're carrying on like this, you could very well lose your daughter.
What if he's just letting you build up a pile of evidence so he can fuck with you when he files for divorce?
This. You're talking about moving your kid across state lines while you're having an affair with someone (sex or no sex, that's what it is). Do you know how dumb that is? Legally, you're exposing yourself to all sorts of trouble.
If you want to move with your daughter to LA to be closer to your family, I get that 100%, but if you do, you need to talk to a lawyer NOW and be prepared to go to the mattresses over custody issues, because it is incredibly difficult to set up custody agreements across state lines, especially if it does end up in divorce, because a divorce that involves affairs and all the other foolishness going on between the two of you can turn nasty in a hurry. You need to CYA and start thinking with your head, not with your twat.
I'm not even going to go into the absurdity of staying married to someone you aren't in love with, don't live with, and have no other connection to other than your child OR getting into some online affair with an old flame, shipping out to another state to be closer to him, and leaving your kid with your mom so you can go shack up with him. Honey, you should know better, and you need to know that if your husband has a lick of sense and lawyers up while you're carrying on like this, you could very well lose your daughter.
This. You're talking about moving your kid across state lines while you're having an affair with someone (sex or no sex, that's what it is). Do you know how dumb that is? Legally, you're exposing yourself to all sorts of trouble.
If you want to move with your daughter to LA to be closer to your family, I get that 100%, but if you do, you need to talk to a lawyer NOW and be prepared to go to the mattresses over custody issues, because it is incredibly difficult to set up custody agreements across state lines, especially if it does end up in divorce, because a divorce that involves affairs and all the other foolishness going on between the two of you can turn nasty in a hurry. You need to CYA and start thinking with your head, not with your twat.
I'm not even going to go into the absurdity of staying married to someone you aren't in love with, don't live with, and have no other connection to other than your child OR getting into some online affair with an old flame, shipping out to another state to be closer to him, and leaving your kid with your mom so you can go shack up with him. Honey, you should know better, and you need to know that if your husband has a lick of sense and lawyers up while you're carrying on like this, you could very well lose your daughter.
No no I am not leaving her to shack up with him.
Knowing my husband he won't do any of this.
Honey, you don't know what someone will do until you are in a divorce situation.
If your H decided right this very second that he is going to move with you to LA, would you stop seeing your side man?
Would you stay married and it would solve it all?
Off top of my head at this moment I would not stop seeing the other man. I would stay married. Not sure if everything would be fixed. And actually I've suggested moving other places.
DH wants to be married and have the freedom to go the places he wants to go as far as travel whatever that may be. He would most likely have more freedom without us.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I finally finished reading the thread. I feel bad for your daughter. Her well being has no weight in your decision. I'm not even going into the cult stuff but think about your kid.
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