I promise to stop asking for wedding advice soon...

[akraus2015]

...seriously, I will not ask you all for any wedding advice after this. You are saints for putting up with the 28462839 advice threads and questions I've had over the last 7 months. Indulge me one more time??

Some of you may remember my FMIL drama a few months ago when she randomly dropped a bomb on us and told us that she didn't support our marriage and didn't want to come to our wedding.

Well, she's cooled her jets enough since then to agree to actually come, even though she sent our invitation back unopened., and didn't even acknowledge the bridal shower invite my mom sent her. Although he has been trying not to show it, I know that my fiancé is deeply hurt by her recent shenanigans. Nobody wants that kind of disapproval and rude treatment from their mother.

She told me today that she isn't going to do a mother/son dance with him at the reception. Of course I had to be the one to tell him. His response was "whatever, I don't care. I'm busy, I need to go do some things." And he hasn't said a word since. My heart is breaking for him and I hate to see him hurt. He isn't super vocal or emotional, but I can tell his feelings are hurt.

My question is, what, if anything should I do? Ask the DJ to kind of gloss over the part where he would dance with his mom and hope no one notices or picks up on the awkwardness? See if he wants to dance with my mom? Try to find some other way for him to acknowledge her that she might not reject? See if he wants to dance with his nieces? Let it go and pretend it never happened?

I'm at a loss here, and in tears to see my sweet, kind future husband feeling sad...

[ldubhawksfan]

Your FMIL is a bitch and crazy. I'm sorry for your DF that she is so hurtful. I would give it some time and ask him if he wants some sort of alternative dance, but if not, I would understand. And honestly, no one will bat an eye if there isn't a mother/son dance.

[akraus2015]

Thanks for the feedback @ismellbooks and ldubhawksfan. Dancing with my dad is very important to me, and I would be heartbroken if he told me he didn't want to dance with me. It's probably not as big of a deal to a guy than it would be to a girl, though. You are probably both right when you said that dancing with my mom would be even more awkward, and that I need to give him some time before I ask him if he wants to do something else.

[akraus2015]

May 5, 2015 19:05:00 GMT -5 @****** said:

Hi, so I actually do have some experiend in this arena, and I can tell you what I would have done. DH is an only child, and while his Mom never out right said she didnt want us to get married she did tell us two weeks before our wedding she wasn't going to come. TO HER ONLY CHILDS WEDDING. So, because I knew she was BSC my plan if she did show for some reason was to completely ignore her. She would not be included in any dances or toasts or pictures. You dont get to make my husband cry then show up on the scene and be treated as though you didnt pull a dick move.

But, that's just me, I'm working on being less vindictive because I often regret it. (She didnt come so I never had to follow through, so that was a relief)

I was wondering about the pictures today.  I have no idea if she'll agree to be in our photos or not.  I'm trying to be as open and non-confrontational as possible, and to welcome her if/when she does decide she wants to be part of her only son's big day.  I think I'm just going to let her do her thing, and let her know that she's welcome to join in any part of our day, but that we'll be enjoying ourselves regardless and surrounding ourselves with loved ones regardless of what she chooses.

[mrss44]

I'm so sorry. That's terrible of her. I'll never understand some people. I don't think it'll be a big deal, we didn't do one just because H isn't a big dancer and no one ever asked about the mother/son dance or anything.

[ohinvrtedworld]

I'm so sorry for this BSC from her and for how that must make your fiance feel. I agree with ldubhawksfan and letting him process a little bit, and then revisit the issue. I say dance with your father and then move on with the reception as if there's nothing missing, but you guys will decide together! Hugs -- so much drama that you guys don't deserve.

[akraus2015]

I feel like the love tit for today is totally appropriate for this thread.

[RajahMD]

We didn't do either dance at our wedding and no one noticed. Not everyone does the father-daughter dance anymore, and even less do the mother-son dance. I think you'll be fine to just do your dance with your dad.

[squeakyduck]

Mother/son dances are not that common in my circle. I wouldn't notice or think it's at all weird if there wasn't one. In fact, I think I've only seen it done once or twice. Just make sure the DJ doesn't announce one, and it won't be weird. Don't try to "gloss over" it; just don't have it. No one will ask.

As for his feelings, I'd wait until he's cooled off a little, and check with him on the final decision, whether it's skipping it, or dancing with someone else.

[shadesofgold]

I agree with PP - just do your dad/daughter dance and open up the dance floor. I'm sorry your FMIL is such a vindictive bitch.

My MIL was totally supportive and still felt awkward with the mother-soon dance just because she didn't want the attention. We let them dance for 30 seconds and then invited all parents and children onto the dance floor. Immediately after that song ended we played a crowd pleaser (Bon Jovi or Lady Gaga or something) and everyone got onto the floor. It was a nice way to accommodate the self-consciousness and misdirect people so nobody even realized it was awkward.

So I guess my advice is to fill the uncomfortable silence with something so enjoyable that nobody notices. Maybe a sibling dance? A choreographed bridal party dance? Surprise YH with a gospel choir singing your College fight song? Just fill the "void" with something much more memorable.

[requiressnacks]

I don't think you need to do anything. I have a terrible relationship with my bio dad and we did a dance and it was the most awkward 3 minutes of my life. I think in the end your future husband will be happy he skipped it - if their relationship is that strained.

Your guests will not have a opinion. Trust.

Good luck!

[Deleted]

We didn't have any parent child specific dances at our wedding and just danced with whoever we wanted, including MH with my mom and his mom. No one noticed. My father is passed away so I didn't want to bring attention to the fact I wouldn't get a father daughter dance.

[akraus2015]

Thank you for all the advice, friends! I'm going to do my dance with my dad and then move on to some more upbeat things. And as for DF's feelings and how things pan out with his mom, I'm going to give him a few days and then ask if he wants to talk about it.

[cheshie6]

May 5, 2015 19:05:00 GMT -5 @****** said:

Hi, so I actually do have some experienced in this arena, and I can tell you what I would have done. DH is an only child, and while his Mom never out right said she didn't want us to get married she did tell us two weeks before our wedding she wasn't going to come. TO HER ONLY CHILDS WEDDING. So, because I knew she was BSC my plan if she did show for some reason was to completely ignore her. She would not be included in any dances or toasts or pictures. You don't get to make my husband cry then show up on the scene and be treated as though you didn't pull a dick move.

But, that's just me, I'm working on being less vindictive because I often regret it. (She didn't come so I never had to follow through, so that was a relief)

ETA, I'm sorry you are going through this.  No bride should have to deal with that nonsense.

I love tit because I'm vindictive too!  I get it from my dad's side of the family!  My sister constantly warns me about not holding on to stuff with my ILs but I'm not there yet. 


akraus2015,  I think you are a truly nice person. I agree with all the PP's that you'll probably be too busy to pay her much attention on that day and nobody would miss it if you don't do the Mother/Son dance. If she's hell bent on not participating you should just concentrate on those who are their to support you and help you make it a memorable day.  I think the most you can do is let DF deal with his mom and you just support him the best you can. I know that is very hard but it's his  mom and he probably knows the best ways to deal with her. Like I said above, I'm vindictive and am the type that would treat people they way they treat me.  i.e. My MIL doesn't want to tell us when FIL and SIL2 were in hospital, she doesn't get to know when we are having a baby!?! Planning a wedding is stressful enough as it is... you don't need to extra drama of FMIL! 

[ldubhawksfan]

May 5, 2015 19:02:41 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Thanks for the feedback @ismellbooks and ldubhawksfan. Dancing with my dad is very important to me, and I would be heartbroken if he told me he didn't want to dance with me. It's probably not as big of a deal to a guy than it would be to a girl, though. You are probably both right when you said that dancing with my mom would be even more awkward, and that I need to give him some time before I ask him if he wants to do something else.

you can absolutely still have your father/daughter dance without the mother/son. There are dozens of reasons why one family may not do the dance. It's just a tradition and not all inclusive. Do your dance, and let DF decide what, if anything, he would like to include in your wedding day.

When is the big day?

[akraus2015]

May 5, 2015 20:06:00 GMT -5 ldubhawksfan said:

May 5, 2015 19:02:41 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Thanks for the feedback @ismellbooks and ldubhawksfan. Dancing with my dad is very important to me, and I would be heartbroken if he told me he didn't want to dance with me. It's probably not as big of a deal to a guy than it would be to a girl, though. You are probably both right when you said that dancing with my mom would be even more awkward, and that I need to give him some time before I ask him if he wants to do something else.

you can absolutely still have your father/daughter dance without the mother/son. There are dozens of reasons why one family may not do the dance. It's just a tradition and not all inclusive. Do your dance, and let DF decide what, if anything, he would like to include in your wedding day.

When is the big day?

Next Friday!!

[ldubhawksfan]

May 5, 2015 20:08:05 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

May 5, 2015 20:06:00 GMT -5 ldubhawksfan said:

you can absolutely still have your father/daughter dance without the mother/son. There are dozens of reasons why one family may not do the dance. It's just a tradition and not all inclusive. Do your dance, and let DF decide what, if anything, he would like to include in your wedding day.

When is the big day?

Next Friday!!

Well good luck and congrats! I hope the next week goes seamlessly!!

[onesweetworld]

I'm so sorry! I would skip the parent child dances completely if this was my situation

[valie]

So sorry this is happening to you. We did a father-daughter dance and no mother-son dance and it was nbd. We asked the DJ to invite the guests onto the dance floor maybe half way through the song. There was a lot of family there and it was so sweet to see the old ladies dancing with their sons or grandsons, uncles dancing with their daughters or nieces, etc. He played something upbeat after and people stayed on the dance floor.

My MIL boycotted our engagement dinner and my showers. SIL boycotted both and threatened to not come to the wedding. I seriously didn't know if she would show until a couple of hours before (and she was a bridesmaid. Joy!)

Best of luck lady. I will totally drug your MIL and bring her if you want me to. Or kick her ass. Your call.

[akraus2015]

May 5, 2015 20:10:37 GMT -5 ldubhawksfan said:

May 5, 2015 20:08:05 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Next Friday!!

Well good luck and congrats! I hope the next week goes seamlessly!!

Thank you!!

[swivelchair5]

I don't understand how somebody could treat their family that way.

Here is my advice:

1. Throat punch your MIL
2. Maybe hit her again
3. If you think she might make a scene at your wedding, enlist one of your fiance's sane relatives to keep an eye on her and escort her out if need be.

And congratulations to you!!

[Deleted]

New here so I hope you don't mind my jumping in.

FMIL sounds like a real peach!
I would say probably no one would notice if there was no mother/son dance, and anyone who knows her probably wouldn't question it lol.

I didn't read all the responses so forgive me if this was covered-- is there someone else he could dance with that he is close with? Sister or grandmother? My dad passed when I was a kid so I danced with his brother and that was really special. If you wanted to have your dance and not have it seem unbalanced by him not having one this is another option.

Good luck! I'm so sorry she is being such an ass!

[kelle017]

I'm sorry she's so awful. H & my MIL danced at the same time I danced with my dad. Honestly if you skipped it I don't think most people would think anything, although that doesn't mean it doesn't/wouldn't hurt your H's feelings. I would just plan on her not being a part of pictures/toasts, and if she decides she wants to be then it has to be on your terms.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry for the drama.  I'm not close with my dad at all, so he didn't walk me down the aisle and we didn't do any parent dances (but mostly because I think they are kind of creepy).  Would you be okay with not dancing with your father?  If so, maybe omit the parent dances altogether.  If you'd still like to do your dance, I think it's fine to have the DJ be aware that there will be no mother son dance and just not mention it.  

[blacknyellow]

I agree with most of the other posters who said that you do not need to do a Mother-Son and Father-Daughter dance. Your wedding is YOURS. You do not need to follow some cookie cutter recipe for weddings.

If you really want to do the parent dances then perhaps another female relative can step in for his evil mom. Are his grandmothers alive or perhaps a godmother?

DH and I did not do the traditional mother-son and father-daughter dances. He has a step-mother that he is very close to and a mother that just recently got back into his life. We decided that it would be too awkward and decided against it. We did an anniversary dance instead and no one knew any better. 

[westisleflower]

Sorry your FMIL is being a biotch. I've only been to one wedding with a mother/son dance, mostly just father/daughter ones, and its not a big deal either way (to me anyway; in fact at my wedding we didn't have either). I would say just do father/daughter, its less stress for you.

BTW you are getting married on a great day! (its my DH's birthday )

[shadesofgold]

May 5, 2015 20:08:05 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

May 5, 2015 20:06:00 GMT -5 ldubhawksfan said:

you can absolutely still have your father/daughter dance without the mother/son. There are dozens of reasons why one family may not do the dance. It's just a tradition and not all inclusive. Do your dance, and let DF decide what, if anything, he would like to include in your wedding day.

When is the big day?

Next Friday!!

Whaaaat? Girl, leave the drama to his mama and ENJOY YOUR WEEK. Do what is important to you both and skip what is uncomfortable. Weddings, unfortunately, can bring out the worst in people. Find and savor what is meaningful to you and...

[akraus2015]

May 5, 2015 21:41:22 GMT -5 shadesofgold said:

May 5, 2015 20:08:05 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Next Friday!!

Whaaaat? Girl, leave the drama to his mama and ENJOY YOUR WEEK. Do what is important to you both and skip what is uncomfortable. Weddings, unfortunately, can bring out the worst in people. Find and savor what is meaningful to you and...

I. LOVE. THIS. SO. MUCH.

[akraus2015]

May 5, 2015 20:02:22 GMT -5 cheshie6 said:

May 5, 2015 19:05:00 GMT -5 @****** said:

Hi, so I actually do have some experienced in this arena, and I can tell you what I would have done. DH is an only child, and while his Mom never out right said she didn't want us to get married she did tell us two weeks before our wedding she wasn't going to come. TO HER ONLY CHILDS WEDDING. So, because I knew she was BSC my plan if she did show for some reason was to completely ignore her. She would not be included in any dances or toasts or pictures. You don't get to make my husband cry then show up on the scene and be treated as though you didn't pull a dick move.

But, that's just me, I'm working on being less vindictive because I often regret it. (She didn't come so I never had to follow through, so that was a relief)

ETA, I'm sorry you are going through this.  No bride should have to deal with that nonsense.

I love tit because I'm vindictive too!  I get it from my dad's side of the family!  My sister constantly warns me about not holding on to stuff with my ILs but I'm not there yet. 


akraus2015,  I think you are a truly nice person. I agree with all the PP's that you'll probably be too busy to pay her much attention on that day and nobody would miss it if you don't do the Mother/Son dance. If she's hell bent on not participating you should just concentrate on those who are their to support you and help you make it a memorable day.  I think the most you can do is let DF deal with his mom and you just support him the best you can. I know that is very hard but it's his  mom and he probably knows the best ways to deal with her. Like I said above, I'm vindictive and am the type that would treat people they way they treat me.  i.e. My MIL doesn't want to tell us when FIL and SIL2 were in hospital, she doesn't get to know when we are having a baby!?! Planning a wedding is stressful enough as it is... you don't need to extra drama of FMIL! 

cheshie6, there are so many nice things I'd like to say about your post, but the wine I had while I was meeting with the DJ for 2 hours is inhibiting my ability to put together coherent thoughts.  HOWEVER, your someecard is my favorite in the world and I almost used it in my siggy but I chickened out.  I think we might have to be best friends now.

[akraus2015]

May 5, 2015 20:16:21 GMT -5 valie said:

So sorry this is happening to you. We did a father-daughter dance and no mother-son dance and it was nbd. We asked the DJ to invite the guests onto the dance floor maybe half way through the song. There was a lot of family there and it was so sweet to see the old ladies dancing with their sons or grandsons, uncles dancing with their daughters or nieces, etc. He played something upbeat after and people stayed on the dance floor.

My MIL boycotted our engagement dinner and my showers. SIL boycotted both and threatened to not come to the wedding. I seriously didn't know if she would show until a couple of hours before (and she was a bridesmaid. Joy!)

Best of luck lady. I will totally drug your MIL and bring her if you want me to. Or kick her ass. Your call.

valie, this made me smile when I thought I was out of smiles today.  When all this shit was going down in the beginning, I told my mom, "I will dropkick her ass and drag her ass to this wedding if it kills me".  Not because I want her there but because I don't want ANYTHING to mess up this day for DF.  He is such as wonderful and amazing person, he deserves an amazing day on his wedding day, and for nothing to upset him or ruin his happiness.  I will cut a bitch who tries to mess with his happiness on our wedding day.

...I may be a slightly more dramatic than your OP, but kicking her ass would be great.  TIA!