Engaged May 2003 Married June 2005 TTC #1 since October 2014 H-1% morph, low motility, low count Me-.1 AMH levels, low AFC, DOR/POI, perimenopause Foster Care journey begins March 2016-licensed 11/7/16 Foster parents to A & J 1/31/17 www.fertilityfriend.com/home/5525ef
I don't know. I kind of don't like any of the "I know how it feels to be in your situation 'cause I've been there" messages. As similar as experiences can be for each of us, I don't think we all feel things the same way, and I don't think the emotional toll of any of it is as straightforward as "endless tears and disappointment." To me, that does not resonate.
Also, while I agree that a lot of strength comes out of suffering and is displayed by enduring hardship well, I am uncomfortable with "you hurt therefore you are strong, passionate, committed, etc." It takes away all space for my agency. I am not strong when my life sucks, I am strong when my life sucks and I cope/endure/excel, etc.
Met in May 2011 Engaged November 2011 Married November 2013 Started TTC November 2015 Began Infertility Workup November 2016 BFP! Lucky #13 Cycle TTC Due Date: 9/5/2017
This may be an unpopular opinion but I really am not a big fan of mother's day. My own mama hates all the consumerist holidays and we didn't do much to celebrate when we were kids (she thinks every day should be mother's day). Now that we're grown we tend to celebrate it more - but still no presents, just a get together type of thing.
This type of post rubs me the wrong way - as does mother's day in general - because it implies that a woman's worth is based on one thing - her ability to bear children. Women are awesome and badass whether or not they "aspire to become mothers" and all women should be celebrated. The societal worship of mothers bothers me, because it is such a personal role. Your family should love and appreciate you always- and we don't need a day where everyone goes gaga over motherhood. This post takes it a step further - even if you don't have kids - at least these women are crying, struggling, and they really want it - forget those women who have are childless for a myriad of reasons - by choice or not by choice.
edit: removed some weird dangling quotes. mothers are real.
Post by wowcheezits on May 9, 2015 10:38:22 GMT -5
The post had good intentions, but "hell is paved with good intentions."
The part that she mentions she has three kids while showing pity for those struggling with IF just rubs me the wrong way and I can't help but feel stabby toward it.
So this is my response (because we know I can't keep my mouth shut ! ) and her response :
1 hr · Like
Me: I'm sorry, but as someone who is Childless Not by Choice & has had a loss & dealt with IF, this rubs me the wrong way. 11 mins · Like
Random person:That is your choice. However there are many who want to have children and can't. The process can lead to major depression and even suicide. So perhaps this isn't for you. But it may help someone who is going through the process.
Engaged May 2003 Married June 2005 TTC #1 since October 2014 H-1% morph, low motility, low count Me-.1 AMH levels, low AFC, DOR/POI, perimenopause Foster Care journey begins March 2016-licensed 11/7/16 Foster parents to A & J 1/31/17 www.fertilityfriend.com/home/5525ef
Whoever wrote it, I think her heart was probably in the right place, but... no. Because it's still, Why her and not me? Because she has three children, and she's dangling that carrot like, Look what I did.
So this is my response (because we know I can't keep my mouth shut ! ) and her response :
1 hr · Like
Me: I'm sorry, but as someone who is Childless Not by Choice & has had a loss & dealt with IF, this rubs me the wrong way. 11 mins · Like
Random person:That is your choice. However there are many who want to have children and can't. The process can lead to major depression and even suicide. So perhaps this isn't for you. But it may help someone who is going through the process.
Okay that random person is a dumb shit who can't read.
The post had good intentions, but "hell is paved with good intentions."
The part that she mentions she has three kids while showing pity for those struggling with IF just rubs me the wrong way and I can't help but feel stabby toward it.
Agreed. It's almost like she's patting you on the head and saying "There, there honey. You'll get there someday."
TTC #1 since August 2013 DX: Endo November 2014: Hysteroscopy, D&C June - September 2015: Clomid + Novarel + IUI #1-3 January 2017: Laparoscopy - endo removed
I dunno, I thought the original post was mostly ok. I think she meant well. The thing I struggle with on Mother's Day is the lack of recognition for women dealing with loss and IF, so it was nice that she wanted to shed a light on that. I think of myself as a mom, but no one ever gets me a card or flowers or wishes me happy Mother's Day, and it makes me feel like my child never existed.
A coworker of mine that knows about my loss and IF struggles sent me an email yesterday and it really meant a lot to me. She had a loss herself before she had her two girls. She said:
"I don’t know how you feel about this coming weekend, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day and share this (http://timewarpwife.com/open-letter-pastors-non-mom-speaks-mothers-day/) with you. You are a special woman deserving of recognition yourself and one day your “real” time as a mother will come, but in the meantime I know you are a fabulous aunt which is just as important."
I know you could pick apart her words to me, but I did really appreciate her recognizing me and thinking about how hard this weekend will be for me.
I dunno, I thought the original post was mostly ok. I think she meant well. The thing I struggle with on Mother's Day is the lack of recognition for women dealing with loss and IF, so it was nice that she wanted to shed a light on that. I think of myself as a mom, but no one ever gets me a card or flowers or wishes me happy Mother's Day, and it makes me feel like my child never existed.
A coworker of mine that knows about my loss and IF struggles sent me an email yesterday and it really meant a lot to me. She had a loss herself before she had her two girls. She said:
"I don’t know how you feel about this coming weekend, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day and share this (http://timewarpwife.com/open-letter-pastors-non-mom-speaks-mothers-day/) with you. You are a special woman deserving of recognition yourself and one day your “real” time as a mother will come, but in the meantime I know you are a fabulous aunt which is just as important."
I know you could pick apart her words to me, but I did really appreciate her recognizing me and thinking about how hard this weekend will be for me.
If she had left out the braggy, blessed part, I agree, that's what I have the issue with.
@wickedcandy - As someone who lost their mother at a young age, Mother's day is a difficult day for me, in general. I'm so sorry that these women missed the point you were trying to convey. A simple "my apologies" message to you to apologize for their insensitivity would have sufficed. When you didn't respond it should have been the cue to drop it.
Hi Wicked. Sorry if my post offended you. I know many women who are hurting in silence while dealing with infertility and miscarriages. My hope is that my post ca bring little light into someone's day who is dealing with this. Random 5/9, 11:45am Random I'm sorry for your loss. Really I am. Is there some way I can help you? It sounds like the hurt is still very fresh for you. Jaya Mootoo-Szypulewski 11:53am Random I have been blessed to be able to conceive after years of trying...and trying everything. The depression, sadness and hurt of not being able to conceive almost killed me. It was too much to deal with. And people just don't understand how hard it is. I haven't forgotten that hurt. I have many people around me dealing with miscarriages and infertility to the point where they are broke and in constant pain from the treatments and procedures. If there is a way that I can help you with your loss and pain. Please let me know. I would like to help.
I agree with you. These messages are very condescending.
And to the point I made earlier, if she knows so many people dealing with IF and loss, why did she post this to a random craft group and not her own FB? It just reads as attention seeking.
While I've never dealt with IF or loss, I did not like how she focused on the "day before mother's day". It's like she's offering some consolation prize instead of thinking of those people on the actual mothers day.
Met in May 2011 Engaged November 2011 Married November 2013 Started TTC November 2015 Began Infertility Workup November 2016 BFP! Lucky #13 Cycle TTC Due Date: 9/5/2017
Met in May 2011 Engaged November 2011 Married November 2013 Started TTC November 2015 Began Infertility Workup November 2016 BFP! Lucky #13 Cycle TTC Due Date: 9/5/2017
Post by wanderingheart on May 9, 2015 11:46:47 GMT -5
Is it bad that I kinda want to know her name so we can all tell her how insensitive she is? #creeperatheart
The whole "blessed to have children" thing is what is rubbing me wrong. This is why I'm purposely skipping church tomorrow morning, because I can't deal with the mothers talking about how blessed they are and what a high calling it is to be a mom.
And these are the final messages.. I can't deal with the stupid. Me: Umm thanks for your interest, my loss was several years ago, and I have been Childless Not by Choice for over 2 years now, so you are aware, this PM & your post come off very... Braggy & condescending. Not everyone get blessed...
Random: I'm sorry if I offended you. Feel free to block me. That way you won't see any more of my posts. Wickedcandy Me: By your non apology, I can tell you don`t get it. , and as someone who dealt with IF, I`m surprised. I am part of a big online getting pg/parenting /loss/IF community and brought the post up to them & they were appalled at it. If you had left out the parts of your "3 beautiful children & how awesomely blessed" you were, it would have been better. Because to some, it is rubbing it in.. Random : That's fine. Have a great day.
People don't realize their "kind" words are not always helpful. We don't need/want the pity/advice of a random stranger. Just be more conscientious of what you say in the first place and apologies won't be needed.
IF is a struggle that is real and deserves to be acknowledged and discussed, but this was the wrong way to go about it for so many reasons. Relating it to Mother's day? Are you fucking kidding me? And why do it in a craft group? It seems like a handful of salt randomly thrown at open wounds to me. Mentioning how blessed she is to have her three children makes it worse.
At first glance, I thought, okay, this is dumb, but was probably written with good intentions, but after reading her PMs - yeah, no. Sounds like pure AW-ing from someone who evidently didn't learn sensitivity when she had her own struggles. Sorry you had to deal with that.
IF is a struggle that is real and deserves to be acknowledged and discussed, but this was the wrong way to go about it for so many reasons. Relating it to Mother's day? Are you fucking kidding me? And why do it in a craft group? It seems like a handful of salt randomly thrown at open wounds to me. Mentioning how blessed she is to have her three children makes it worse.
At first glance, I thought, okay, this is dumb, but was probably written with good intentions, but after reading her PMs - yeah, no. Sounds like pure AW-ing from someone who evidently didn't learn sensitivity when she had her own struggles. Sorry you had to deal with that.
And these are the final messages.. I can't deal with the stupid. Me: Umm thanks for your interest, my loss was several years ago, and I have been Childless Not by Choice for over 2 years now, so you are aware, this PM & your post come off very... Braggy & condescending. Not everyone get blessed...
Random: I'm sorry if I offended you. Feel free to block me. That way you won't see any more of my posts. Wickedcandy Me: By your non apology, I can tell you don`t get it. , and as someone who dealt with IF, I`m surprised. I am part of a big online getting pg/parenting /loss/IF community and brought the post up to them & they were appalled at it. If you had left out the parts of your "3 beautiful children & how awesomely blessed" you were, it would have been better. Because to some, it is rubbing it in.. Random : That's fine. Have a great day.
Post by kawaiikitsune on May 9, 2015 12:58:22 GMT -5
I could have just brushed it off as someone who didn't really have a clue at how humblebraggy the post was but the fact that she reposted it after it was removed, as well as her responses to you, makes her whole attitude about it super shitty.
IF sucks regardless but for someone to attempt to tie it into Mother's Day, as if that day isn't hard enough already, is just mind bottling.
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