I know you ladies will be honest re: DH

[Deleted]

Sorry a little long....

So I have a little situation. ...what started as a nice night has turned not so great. I don't think my H has a problem w alcohol....as in he doesn't drink daily, can take it or leave it, etc. However, when he does drink he can consume a lot quickly and get quite buzzed (not usually drunk). Tonight what started as us having a glass of wine on the patio turned into me having a small glass and him having the rest of the bottle ( I would say in about 1.5 hrs). So he then takes forever getting ready to grill, puts on loud music, interferes w how I am cooking, doesn't put the meat on when he tells me he is going to, picks up the baby when I just got him settled. Dinner was so late and I was a ball of frustration by then and informed him I did not understand why he needed to drink the whole bottle and get buzzed on a weeknight. I got the hurt puppy reaction. Over dinner I apologized for letting it out the way I did and tried to calmly explain. I got "is there a reason you are choosing to make a rift?" And "do you think I need to be managed?"

So...shoot straight...am I overreacting? I admit there is probably a piece of me that is frustrated I don't have the same freedom, but I will add that he will probably be useless in his recliner the rest of the night. This probably occurs 1, sometimes 2 x per week and once on the weekend (weekend i am on board w)

If not, any suggestions on how I might approach this with him when revisiting the topic?

[jamjoyful]

This is a tough one. I need some time to think I through and I'll be back.

[kirabou]

Okay so my POV is that when substance use interferes with your primary relationship, it's a problem. Even if it's not an addiction, it's a problem because it causes tension between you two.

He probably got put on the defensive, both because you initially brought it up in frustration, and because alcohol usage is a touchy subject. Give him some time to think, and re-approach when you're both in a calm headspace.

[peaece13]

I don't think you are over reacting, try talking again when he sobers up.

[fyoubumpmay]

I can consume an entire bottle by myself and probably wouldn't even be considered drunk. So I'm going to need some time to think as well, since that alone wouldn't signal an issue to me.

[cdseno]

Ok I speak from experience here. In my case, it is never really the drinking that is the problem (sometimes it is), it is what happens when the drinking starts. The schedule gets messed up, dinner is late, and the kids are a mess. Like drinking = take your sweet time doing anything.

You should calm down and talk to him in the morning. Yes, you may have overreacted a little, but he still needs to know why you got frustrated in the first place. You won't be able to have a proper conversation tonight though, especially if he feels like you are trying to "manage" him. But if you never talk him about it, it will get worse every time it happens.

[Deleted]

Jan 21, 2015 20:26:06 GMT -5 cdseno said:

Ok I speak from experience here. In my case, it is never really the drinking that is the problem (sometimes it is), it is what happens when the drinking starts. The schedule gets messed up, dinner is late, and the kids are a mess. Like drinking = take your sweet time doing anything.

You should calm down and talk to him in the morning. Yes, you may have overreacted a little, but he still needs to know why you got frustrated in the first place. You won't be able to have a proper conversation tonight though, especially if he feels like you are trying to "manage" him. But if you never talk him about it, it will get worse every time it happens.

This. Exactly. I wouldn't care if he was drinking if I didn't feel like it had a domino effect on the rest of the night. On these nights I feel like I have two kids instead of one

[mrsnorris]

Jan 21, 2015 20:34:52 GMT -5 @becominggold said:

Jan 21, 2015 20:26:06 GMT -5 cdseno said:

Ok I speak from experience here. In my case, it is never really the drinking that is the problem (sometimes it is), it is what happens when the drinking starts. The schedule gets messed up, dinner is late, and the kids are a mess. Like drinking = take your sweet time doing anything.

You should calm down and talk to him in the morning. Yes, you may have overreacted a little, but he still needs to know why you got frustrated in the first place. You won't be able to have a proper conversation tonight though, especially if he feels like you are trying to "manage" him. But if you never talk him about it, it will get worse every time it happens.

This. Exactly. I wouldn't care if he was drinking if I didn't feel like it had a domino effect on the rest of the night. On these nights I feel like I have two kids instead of one

If it were me, I'd make it about the other dominos (the late dinner, lack of help, etc) and leave the alcohol out of it since that's not the issue perse, and like PP mentioned, it can be a touchy subject and might make him automatically defensive. If you're really clear about what's happening that bothers you, maybe he can figure out how to accommodate what you need either by stepping it up when he's had a couple of drinks or by cutting back. 

[fyoubumpmay]

Jan 21, 2015 20:58:45 GMT -5 mrsnorris said:

Jan 21, 2015 20:34:52 GMT -5 @becominggold said:

This. Exactly. I wouldn't care if he was drinking if I didn't feel like it had a domino effect on the rest of the night. On these nights I feel like I have two kids instead of one

If it were me, I'd make it about the other dominos (the late dinner, lack of help, etc) and leave the alcohol out of it since that's not the issue perse, and like PP mentioned, it can be a touchy subject and might make him automatically defensive. If you're really clear about what's happening that bothers you, maybe he can figure out how to accommodate what you need either by stepping it up when he's had a couple of drinks or by cutting back. 

This exactly.

[sherrybaby2014]

Jan 21, 2015 20:26:06 GMT -5 cdseno said:

Ok I speak from experience here. In my case, it is never really the drinking that is the problem (sometimes it is), it is what happens when the drinking starts. The schedule gets messed up, dinner is late, and the kids are a mess. Like drinking = take your sweet time doing anything.

You should calm down and talk to him in the morning. Yes, you may have overreacted a little, but he still needs to know why you got frustrated in the first place. You won't be able to have a proper conversation tonight though, especially if he feels like you are trying to "manage" him. But if you never talk him about it, it will get worse every time it happens.

I agree...this!

[jamjoyful]

cdseno is wise.

[cdseno]

Jan 21, 2015 21:35:34 GMT -5 jamjoyful said:

cdseno is wise.

There are days I could have written this word for word.

[professorbinns]

Jan 21, 2015 20:26:06 GMT -5 cdseno said:

Ok I speak from experience here. In my case, it is never really the drinking that is the problem (sometimes it is), it is what happens when the drinking starts. The schedule gets messed up, dinner is late, and the kids are a mess. Like drinking = take your sweet time doing anything.

You should calm down and talk to him in the morning. Yes, you may have overreacted a little, but he still needs to know why you got frustrated in the first place. You won't be able to have a proper conversation tonight though, especially if he feels like you are trying to "manage" him. But if you never talk him about it, it will get worse every time it happens.

All of this.

[3magicbeans]

No advice, but I agree w/ cdseno

[Deleted]

Take some time. Sometimes you just need a little time to sort out your feelings and to decide what you need to let go and what you need to work on as a couple.

[minervamae]

Jan 21, 2015 20:58:45 GMT -5 mrsnorris said:

Jan 21, 2015 20:34:52 GMT -5 @becominggold said:

This. Exactly. I wouldn't care if he was drinking if I didn't feel like it had a domino effect on the rest of the night. On these nights I feel like I have two kids instead of one

If it were me, I'd make it about the other dominos (the late dinner, lack of help, etc) and leave the alcohol out of it since that's not the issue perse, and like PP mentioned, it can be a touchy subject and might make him automatically defensive. If you're really clear about what's happening that bothers you, maybe he can figure out how to accommodate what you need either by stepping it up when he's had a couple of drinks or by cutting back. 

This is how I would approach it. However, I'd keep an eye on the drinking as well. I come from a long line of alcoholics and know it can take many forms. You don't have to be the stereotypical drunk to have a problem.

[yogini kiki]

There are four categories in the Substance Abuse/Addiciton world:
Use
Misuse
Abuse
Addiction


It sounds like there is misuse happening. This does not necessarily require therapy, rather, it is generally a change in lifestyle that can occur with little outside intervention. When discussing things like this, I find it is helpful to use I statements. "I feel concerned because when you do abc it makes me feel like xyz. it would help me if you did hij" Using I statements helps to make the issue about you rather than put him on the defensive. Maybe inquire as to how his day was, maybe say that you worry about something under the surface causing the behavior and you want to make sure you are being supportive.

[yogini kiki]

here is an excellent guide for using I statements. For Transparency: I trained here for yoga and lived there for awhile....but I am not affiliated with Kripalu. I do believe in this method and use it all the time both personally and professionally:

www.kripalu.org/kyta_resources/kripalu_conscious_communication.doc

[Deleted]

Thank you ladies...such great feedback! Last night he was still being a dick about it...saying I created a problem where there was none, but this am he apologized and explained that he was stressed about a work situation that was occurring today. I was aware of the meeting, but not the extent of the details of why it was bothering him. He made some changes a few months back regarding his alcohol consumption and said maybe he needs to again. He does not want to be a stress drinker because he knows where that will lead. Since he owned all this, I am leaving it alone for the moment and will see what happens or if we need further conversation. yogini kiki I am looking forward to exploring that article.

[yogini kiki]

@becominggold

while i seem like sarcastic bitch most times...IRL I am doing my clinicals for counseling with a focus in substance abuse/addiction counseling. I have a ton of resources (psychoeducational) if you ever need anything along the educational spectrum just PM me. I can only ethically provide education at this point, but I am happy to pass any info I have along to you.

[fyoubumpmay]

Just for the record, there are only 5 glasses in a bottle of wine. So if you had one, that would leave him with 4. The BAC of a 200 lb man who's consumed 4 glasses of wine in about an hour and a half would be .05, meaning he would still be okay to drive. Even if he were only 170 lbs, he'd still be at .07 and below the legal limit.

All that to say...I've never met a man who could get drunk off of 4-5 glasses of wine, so I doubt this is really even alcohol related. In my opinion, it's more likely that he was just stressed about this job situation and it consumed his thoughts and preoccupied him in a way that inhibited his ability to carry out the rest of his responsibilities.

Of course, each individual is different and he may just have a really low tolerance, but I don't think the alcohol consumption in and of itself really appears to be the problem. We all get distracted sometimes and I know I've been guilty myself of needing to unwind with a glass or two after a particularly stressful day. So long as it doesn't become a habit of him slacking on his responsibilities, I personally wouldn't make a big deal of it. And if I did make a big deal about it, I'd focus more on the domino effect, rather than the amount of alcohol itself, considering it wouldn't even amount to enough for the law to consider him unable to operate a motor vehicle.

[Deleted]

I had a similar problem with H over Christmas break. There was all this family drama going on, we were back and forth at people's houses, they were loud while baby slept and LOs routine was being thrown off because of it. I was stressed/pissed beyond belief and my H didn't even notice because he was too busy having a good time. After a few days I lost it on him and it turned into a huge fight. Later I calmly explained how I was feeling and that he wasn't putting his responsibilities (baby and I) before his drinking and having fun. I admit I was slightly upset because he was off doing whatever he felt like while I spent every day trying to keep baby happy. He understood where I was coming from and from then on always made sure baby and I were all good to go before he did anything and was much more helpful with routine things like a diaper change.

It doesn't sound to me like he has a drinking problem, but like you said it's more that he's letting everything else go while he lets go. With a baby and new mommy who needs routine right now, that's not okay. I don't think you overreacted at all, it's frustrating. Just got to somehow explain how you feel in a way he'll hopefully understand. Best of luck!!

[leroybrown]

I feel like anytime alcohol (or any substance) interferes with your ability to take care of your family, it's an issue.

[fyoubumpmay]

Jan 22, 2015 11:22:18 GMT -5 leroybrown said:

I feel like anytime alcohol (or any substance) interferes with your ability to take care of your family, it's an issue.

The problem with that though is that you're seeing a correlation and assuming causation. It could very well be that the alcohol had nothing to do with his state of mind and his preoccupation with the work issue is what had him distracted.

I also think "interfering with your ability to take care of your family" is also a little harsh. So he was a little behind on cooking dinner, and he picked LO up when LO was "settled." Frustrating? Sure. But I would hardly classify that as neglectful.

[leroybrown]

Jan 22, 2015 11:30:54 GMT -5 fyoubumpmay said:

Jan 22, 2015 11:22:18 GMT -5 leroybrown said:

I feel like anytime alcohol (or any substance) interferes with your ability to take care of your family, it's an issue.

The problem with that though is that you're seeing a correlation and assuming causation. It could very well be that the alcohol had nothing to do with his state of mind and his preoccupation with the work issue is what had him distracted.

I also think "interfering with your ability to take care of your family" is also a little harsh. So he was a little behind on cooking dinner, and he picked LO up when LO was "settled." Frustrating? Sure. But I would hardly classify that as neglectful.

I didn't say it was neglectful. He's stumbling around, unable to complete tasks, and generally being obnoxious (as most drunks are to sober people). Do I think he has a drinking problem? Not necessarily. But it is an issue if he can't help her and he's doing it 2-3x per week.

[fyoubumpmay]

Jan 22, 2015 11:37:16 GMT -5 leroybrown said:

Jan 22, 2015 11:30:54 GMT -5 fyoubumpmay said:

The problem with that though is that you're seeing a correlation and assuming causation. It could very well be that the alcohol had nothing to do with his state of mind and his preoccupation with the work issue is what had him distracted.

I also think "interfering with your ability to take care of your family" is also a little harsh. So he was a little behind on cooking dinner, and he picked LO up when LO was "settled." Frustrating? Sure. But I would hardly classify that as neglectful.

I didn't say it was neglectful. He's stumbling around, unable to complete tasks, and generally being obnoxious (as most drunks are to sober people). Do I think he has a drinking problem? Not necessarily. But it is an issue if he can't help her and he's doing it 2-3x per week.

Nobody said he was stumbling around or unable to complete tasks. It would appear to me that he did complete dinner, just a little later than OP would have liked. My husband frequently finishes cooking later than I'd like and it has nothing to do with alcohol.

Again, it seems to me he was just stressed about this work issue and trying to relax a bit before a stressful day. Ideal? No. But I hardly think this alone points to a substance issue.

[leroybrown]

This sentence from OP is what struck me as having a difficult time with completing tasks. I imagine him being buzzed and unable to focus.

"So he then takes forever getting ready to grill, puts on loud music, interferes w how I am cooking, doesn't put the meat on when he tells me he is going to, picks up the baby when I just got him settled. Dinner was so late and I was a ball of frustration by then and informed him I did not understand why he needed to drink the whole bottle and get buzzed on a weeknight"

[fyoubumpmay]

Jan 22, 2015 12:24:07 GMT -5 leroybrown said:

This sentence from OP is what struck me as having a difficult time with completing tasks. I imagine him being buzzed and unable to focus.

"So he then takes forever getting ready to grill, puts on loud music, interferes w how I am cooking, doesn't put the meat on when he tells me he is going to, picks up the baby when I just got him settled. Dinner was so late and I was a ball of frustration by then and informed him I did not understand why he needed to drink the whole bottle and get buzzed on a weeknight"

I hear ya, but what I was trying to say was that he could just as easily have been distracted and trying to unwind and relax, due to the stressors he's encountering at work. There are many times when I'm stressed out and want to listen to loud music and take my time completing household tasks instead of being in a rush to finish them. And it won't have anything to do with alcohol and everything to do with just needing some time to not feel like everything is moving at a million miles a minute. I know my husband likes to take his time while grilling too. He likes to listen to music and just enjoy being outdoors. And that's when he's completely sober. 

All I'm saying is that it's very rare for a man to get extremely buzzed off of 4 drinks over an hour and a half span of time; otherwise, the law wouldn't allow them to drive after such an amount. So my inclination is to believe that the underlying cause of the behavior is the stress, not the alcohol. Alcohol being a present factor doesn't always mean that it's the proximate cause. 

Then again, like I said, everybody is different and he could just have an unusually low tolerance. But if he's drinking 2-3 times a week, I wouldn't imagine that to be the case. 

[leroybrown]

I agree, I'm just not sure that positive unwinding is chugging a bottle of wine. That's all. If it's about stress, then do those things sober. Don't make the drinking a way to destress.

[cdseno]

Jan 22, 2015 12:40:58 GMT -5 leroybrown said:

I agree, I'm just not sure that positive unwinding is chugging a bottle of wine. That's all. If it's about stress, then do those things sober. Don't make the drinking a way to destress.

This. My H hated his previous job and drank to deal with the stress. It almost broke up our marriage. I was so happy the day he quit that job.