I think I've mentioned that I'm in a wedding at the end of July, I'm actually the MOH which I thought was odd because we aren't "that" close, but how do you say no? The bachelorette is first weekend of June and is three hours away. My husband recently found out that he has the weekend off so he could watch LO now, but she is EBF and nursed to sleep. The bride has been a total bridezilla including kicking a cousin out of the wedding because "she doesn't believe in her life choices" which included having a baby in January, it wasn't planned, with her boyfriend. She also sent me a text saying "cant you just pump and your mom could watch C?" This was before DH could watch her and my mom lives 4.5 hours away. So if you can't tell I don't want to go, but I don't want to be a bad friend. Right now I could either drive over Saturday morning and stay the night or not go. Being gone two nights is not an option. Also, how would I pump? I think she wants to be out and about all day Saturday followed by dinner and going out to bars. Plus with the maturity of the girls going I think they would freak when they opened the fridge and saw breast milk.
Tl;dr would you go to a bachelorette party three hours away when you have to leave behind a six month old baby who is EBF? And the bride is being a bitch.
So... What would the N'14 ladies do? Please be honest and tell me if I just need to suck it up and go!
Post by littleapplemom on May 18, 2015 13:20:38 GMT -5
I hate bachelorette parties and feel like they have gotten WAAAAAYYYY blown out of proportion recently. Brides and grooms feel like they need some giant last bash weekend or vacation. What happened to one night??
I was MOH for my BFF who wanted to go to Vegas for hers. Her wedding was right before Christmas, Bach party wasn't too far before that. Who the hell has money to go to Vegas with a bunch of people you may or may not know right before the holidays? I'm not one to ever disappoint, it's one of my faults but guess what....didn't happen that time and she still had an awesome night. Mind you, she was my MOH the year before and I had to plan my own bach party because she just dropped the ball.
You have to do what you think is best for you. If that means only staying one night then so be it, at least you went at all. I don't think that's being selfish. She'll get over it.
littleapplemom yeah same here! Her attitude is just driving me crazy. We're total opposites when it comes to this. I never expected people to spend hundreds of dollars on my bachelorette weekend, we stayed at my sisters and I felt like that was asking a lot. One girl tried to back out of the wedding because she just started going to school and it was going to be too expensive and the bride basically didn't let her.
I don't even want to go for the one night. Ugh. Pity party for one.
Bachelorette parties have gotten SO out of hand. I haven't been to one since being pg or having Liam. I have been married twice and had no bachelorette at either so, I don't know if my opinion counts.
BUT you're not being a bad friend by not going to the bachelorette party. You're the moh for her wedding. Bachelorette party is not mandatory or even prt of the wedding.
Do what you feel comfortable with. If you want to go to one portion of it, go ahead. If you don't want to go at all, then don't. If she kicks you out of the wedding or whatever, well then one less thing to do this year lol.
Bridezillas are awful. A wedding does not mean you get to do whatever you want whenever for however long before the wedding happens. That's not how life works.
Working in the wedding business I have seen some doozies. And I have seen some bridesmaids who know that the wedding will be the last time they see the bride because of how terrible they were treated. What is it about weddings that make some women go crazy?!
Thanks jjh1119 this is exactly how I feel. I just didn't know if I was the only one who felt like this. I need to let her know today if I'm not going to the whole thing. I kind of just want to text her, but I feel like the right thing is to call her...
I don't think you need to worry about being a bad friend. Just do what is right for you and your LO, and don't feel guilty!
If she doesn't have kids yet, she won't understand how hard it would be to "just pump" or leave a baby for that long. If I were in this situation, I would not attend. It wouldn't be fair to my six month old who is used to being nursed to sleep and being with me 24/7. To leave her for an entire weekend would be... insane. Hard for the baby, hard for me, and hard for whoever is taking care of the baby. Totally not worth it for something as insignificant as a bachelorette party.
I'd call her and explain that an event like this just doesn't work when you have a baby.
Bridezillas are awful. A wedding does not mean you get to do whatever you want whenever for however long before the wedding happens. That's not how life works.
Bridezillas are awful. A wedding does not mean you get to do whatever you want whenever for however long before the wedding happens. That's not how life works.
THIS
Yes this is exactly how I feel! I'm going to call her tonight and I hope she's understanding. I also get multiple texts/pictures a week updating me on the wedding. For example she just sent me a text saying they finished their vows. Cool. I'm also the bride who was literally in my wedding dress picking out songs for dancing at the rehearsal so.... Yeah that's my style of a wedding lol.
Post by ninergirl52 on May 18, 2015 16:37:23 GMT -5
Well I see this 2 ways. One, you did agree to be the MOH, which comes with some "responsibility" - hosting and/or attending the bachelorette party being one of them. However, when said party is a weekend long extravaganza you should be able to bow out of some if not all of it. Clearly she doesn't understand the position it puts you in since you EBF. I can relate as I EBF as well and it has taken some time to bottle train my LO so I could leave him with DH (I'm a wedding coordinator and on days I have weddings I'm gone 10-12 hours). The first time I left LO it was a nightmare, but the last time (last weekend) it went really well. Its just a matter of you making time to pump to build a supply. Then comes the second issue of having to actually pump while you are there. I would give the bride a fair warning that you will need to pump and what exactly that involves. Hopefully she'll be understanding. Brides can be completely irrational at times. I feel fortunate most of mine are pretty reasonable.
Post by singingmama10 on May 18, 2015 16:45:04 GMT -5
Ok I might have a differing opinion... Please don't think I was a bridezilla... my bridesmaids all picked out their own dresses and my bach party was actually at my house where we played stupid games and got drunk..... but I have a couple of questions: Does she live 3 hours away and that is why the party is that far? Or is this just the place she wants to have it and is just expecting everyone to drive that far? If it is the latter I think she is being very selfish. However... if she lives where the party is I think it would be appropriate to have the MOH be there. At least from my experience the bach party is a part of the MOH's "responsibilities"(no rules set in the book, just expected I guess). I think that you do have a really good excuse for not going though. Bridezilla might get mad at you... BUT... it makes perfect sense why you wouldn't go.
ninergirl52 I agree with you about it being my responsibility AS THE MOH. However, I agreed when I was I don't know, 3 months pregnant? I naively thought that having a baby and trying to get away for a full weekend would not be so difficult. I wish I knew now what I knew then. I understand that she doesn't see this as being as difficult as I do because like I said, a year ago I would have never have guessed how complex it can be with pumping etc. so that part is all on me. I have told her from the first time she decided on the location that I did not know if it was going to work for me, and hopefully I could make one night. I've tried to be as upfront as possible on the challenges I'm looking at.
singingmama10 it's probably 4 hours from where she lives, no one in the bridal party lives there. I wish it was where she lived because that's only 1.5 hours from my house. And like I said above as soon as she told me where she wanted to go I let her know I had no idea if/ how much I could attend.
Thank you both for giving me a different take on this, it's exactly why I decided to ask you all. The bride and I are just polar opposites when it comes to parties/weddings which is why this is so difficult, and why I was so surprised she asked me to be her MOH.
I like what has been said so far. Because of your role as MOH, I think you have some responsibility to attend. Even one night would be sufficient. However, doesn't MOH also get to be heavily involved in the planning of the bach party?Because you've been up front from the beginning that the location wasn't good for you, that excuses your attendance at all, imo. I'm sorry you have to deal with bridezilla!
Post by wildflower810 on May 18, 2015 20:36:55 GMT -5
You know what my "bachlorette party" was? It was breakfast at Village Inn the day before my wedding with my bridesmaids, and one of my bridesmaid's husband who I didn't know was going to be there until we walked in. I planned it, and I paid for everyone's meal.
So yeah, this bride can take her "just pump" suggestion and shove it. I EBF and nurse to sleep and the thought of leaving LO suddenly for that long for anything short of a family emergency is crazy.
I was also the bride with a $99 dress, hair done by my sister, and gourmet sandwiches from the Wal-Mart deli for our reception, so take my advice for what it's worth. (My dress was my dream dress, my hair was perfect, and the sandwiches tasted amazing.)
zengal right?! She said she doesn't want to plan it and wants it to be a surprise, yet has planned most of it.
wildflower810 that sounds awesome! I know everyone is different, but to me the most important things were the memories being made and the fact I was marrying my husband. I really want her to have the wedding of her dreams but I also hope she can relax and enjoy the day when it gets here.
I agree with wildflower810 I nurse to sleep and really don't know how it would work to be away from lo. I also have almost no freezer stash so trying to pump enough to leave would be stressful (fwiw we also had a very low key wedding !) With that being said, that is me , if you have freezer stash and feel like it would work to leave lo for a night I say go for it and I would pump before and after going out. If u weren't the moh I wouldn't worry about going at all. If leaving is more stressful than not I would go for the dinner and maybe one bar and come home. In my experience everyone is pretty drunk by then anyway. Is there another bridesmaid who can kind of take over for you and still show her a good time?
kfaye and nerdalert there's already a girl who has taken over planning all by herself. She lives right by the bride and I think she's telling her everything she wants, she wants penis straws and shirts for everyone to to wear that says "bride's bitch." Seriously? I feel like there is a huge difference in maturity I'm 26 and they are all ~23 and I don't mean that as rude, I know I've matured a lot in that time frame. Plus a kid lol.
We ended up talking last night on the phone and I was greeted by a lot of silence followed by "why can't your mom watch her." I feel bad because I didn't even bring up that my husband now has the weekend off. And no it wouldn't work for my mom to watch her because she lives three hours south of where the Bach is and I would have to buy her a hotel room. I almost started crying when I told her because I feel bad, but we kept talking and I think she's okay with it. We'll see how things go and I figure if something changes I could always still go over for the day.
Thanks for listening to me and giving your opinions! I really appreciate it.
sadie74 what if you skip out entirely for the bachelorette party but take her out for a mani and pedi or lunch or something sometime between now and the wedding?
jjh1119 I brought that up when we were on the phone and she was pretty cold about it, so I figure I'll bring it up again in a week or two. She wants all the bridesmaids to stay the night in a hotel the night before the wedding so I'm going to really try and do that. And we have to pay for that too. My ILs live in the same town so DHs and LO could stay there...
Post by wildflower810 on May 19, 2015 13:08:14 GMT -5
sadie74, I would back out of the wedding entirely if someone wanted me to wear a shirt that said "bride's bitch" on it. I am no one's breeding canine, thankyouverymuch.
Okay- she is just asking for too much. It's a wedding. The point of a wedding is to GET MARRIED. You're trying to work with her and you get a cold response?
Sounds to me if I ever get asked to be the MOH im going to have to give a big fat nope. Because no- I'm not spending hundreds/thousands for multiple overnight events (plus the dress, hair, makeup, etc) PLUS a wedding gift?
I will stay behind the scenes- no I will not be your moh but if you want me to do your hair I'll give you a discount.;-)
wildflower810 I thinks it's honestly how she sees this thing. We should all be honored to be in her wedding and should do anything and everything she's asks. After all she's spending thousands of dollars on it it's not too much to ask us to spend a couple hundred. (Maybe I've already said that but that's literally what she told me once.)
jjh1119 don't do it! Lol. A few months ago I tried writing out what this whole wedding is going to cost me and it was a little over $1,000 I was shocked. This is if I did everything she asked. I have a question for you, I'm sure it varies depending on a lot things, like I'm on the west coast, but what's an average price for a bridesmaid to get hair and makeup done?
This is the bride who was complaining to me that another bridesmaid can't make it because she lives in North Dakota. Said bridesmaid passed away this winter followed by her aunt passing away two weeks later. She had to fly out here for all of that so she can't afford another trip besides the wedding. The bride was upset and didn't see why she couldn't fly out and just have family watch her two kids. That's when I first started to worry about this wedding.
I should really stop talking about her though I guess it's not very nice. I just needed to vent.
kfaye and nerdalert there's already a girl who has taken over planning all by herself. She lives right by the bride and I think she's telling her everything she wants, she wants penis straws and shirts for everyone to to wear that says "bride's bitch." Seriously? I feel like there is a huge difference in maturity I'm 26 and they are all ~23 and I don't mean that as rude, I know I've matured a lot in that time frame. Plus a kid lol.
We ended up talking last night on the phone and I was greeted by a lot of silence followed by "why can't your mom watch her." I feel bad because I didn't even bring up that my husband now has the weekend off. And no it wouldn't work for my mom to watch her because she lives three hours south of where the Bach is and I would have to buy her a hotel room. I almost started crying when I told her because I feel bad, but we kept talking and I think she's okay with it. We'll see how things go and I figure if something changes I could always still go over for the day.
Thanks for listening to me and giving your opinions! I really appreciate it.
ETA: words.
LOL NOPE
I am 23 and I think that is stupid. I feel like this girl is going to be in for a rude awakening when the wedding is over and she has to learn how to do actual marriage. I'm guessing she's not putting as much time and effort into her actual relationship or into pre-marital counseling.
Also, I am terrified at the thought of spending a thousand dollars on someone else's wedding. Yikes.
Post by ninergirl52 on May 19, 2015 19:32:08 GMT -5
Not sure where on the west coast you are but it can cost about $150+ for hair & make-up for a bridesmaid in the Seattle area. Seeing as I deal with brides regularly, your friends priorities are out of whack. I too would bow out if asked to wear a shirt like that. She doesn't want friends to support her during an important time of her life. She wants to be the center of attention & expects you all to cater to her every whim. That's not being a friend, it's being ungrateful and demanding. I have little patience for people like that. Is this how she normally is or did all her sensibilities fly out the door when she got engaged?
nerdalert this is exactly what I'm worried about, I'm just trying to come up with excuses for why she's acting the way she is, I don't really think it has to do with age. The dress for her wedding is &230 (I had to add extra length because I'm 6') plus I know I'm going to have to get it altered because I was measured for it six weeks pp. I've cut back on things she wants me to do but I'll still probably pay about $700. Wow I just realized that. Gag. ninergirl52 Portland area and I think she said its $90 for both, so that sounds reasonable. I might cut it out just to save money. I would say it's changed since getting engaged. I don't like her fiancé and her opinions and actions have become increasingly like him and just... Rude.
Post by ninergirl52 on May 21, 2015 9:38:07 GMT -5
I'd say if you don't see yourself being friends afterwards ... maybe now is the time to bow out? It's a tough situation all around. I generally hate seeing people completely lose their sensibilities when they get engaged. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!
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