@--- Weekly Goals Check In: 6/29/15 ---@

[icequeen]

Good morning, y'all!

Happy Monday. Hope y'all had a successful time with all of your goals this past week. Please update us know how did with your goals and set some new ones for this week following the format below. Please also be sure to include any trigger warnings you feel are appropriate. Thanks so much!

Goal:
Short or long term?
Why is it important?
How am I going to accomplish it?

[icequeen]

* Trigger warning: PG and ED **

I'm not too happy with how I did this week. My goals were to have 2 non ED days over the weekend, eat 3 cheat meals, and not lose any more weight before July 17th (my next OB appointment). I was initially feeling really good and confident at the beginning of the week and even told my mom and some close friends that I would try to do a non ED day every other day for the rest of the week. The following day I woke up extremely anxious and immediately doubted myself. The night before I had eaten a big meal and was stressing about it and forgot to take my meds as a result, so I felt worse in the morning. So I decided to keep my original goals, but I was only able to make it one day this weekend instead of 2. I ate 1 cheat meal on Sunday but couldn't handle doing 2 more because I didn't do my workout in the morning because it was storming. I also cut down my workouts during the week by 15 minutes, which I wasn't expecting to do. The combination of not working out/less, having to eat scary meals, and not be able to purge was extremely difficult and unbearable to me. I do not believe I have lost any weight since last week, but I am not sure since I am not weighing myself except at the OB office.

Goal 1: Maintain my weight for July 17th's OB appointment and possibly gain 1-2 lbs
Short or long term? short
Why is it important? I need to gain weight in order to maintain a healthy body and baby
How am I going to accomplish it? By continuing to challenge myself with higher calorie foods

Goal 2: Eat 4 cheat meals this week
Short or long term? short
Why is it important? I desperately need the calories, and so does my baby
How am I going to accomplish it? By telling DH what my plans are so we can plan to have the scary foods this week together

I want to say I can do 2 non ED days again, but I am feeling really discouraged. I think I can only manage 1 day again this week.

[yoshijo28]

icequeen I'm still impressed you had 1 scary meal and are attempting the non ED days. It takes a lot of courage to try because it causes a lot of anxiety. Wishing you continued luck this week!

My goal last week was to perform QA evaluations on 10 of our employees. I was able to complete 13. I still need to finish all 40 within the next few weeks so that's part of a long term goal.

**ED mentioned**


New Goal: Do not binge for 4th of July weekend

Long or short term: short

Why is it important: whenever there is a party with a lot of "bad" foods I use it as an excuse to eat. Once I start I have a hard time stopping or only having 1 of something. Like if I have 1 glass of wine or a cookie I feel like the day is ruined so I'll have another. This causes so much anxiety and I spend the next week trying to make up for it. It's just not worth it

How can I accomplish it: I'll eat mostly foods I'm comfortable with. If I do want a "bad" food I'll just have a little and try to avoid the compulsion to keep eating. I'll try to distract myself in between since that sometimes makes the compulsion go away.

[motownthrowdown]

icequeen I agree, you are so strong. It takes a lot of courage to do something beyond your comfort level, but baby will be happy you pushed yourself.


***LC mentioned***



Last week's goal was to consistently pump 8 times a day. I did pretty good, and my one bad day was a day where they changed Amelia's schedule and I could either pump or hold her. I picked holding her. No regrets.

Goals:

1. Pump 8 times a day (at least). This is a long term goal. It is important because this is the best thing for Amelia and I want to be able to breastfeed her. *I actually got to do this last week! Gotta keep it up. I will be accomplishing this by drinking water and keeping my schedule.

2. Drink more water. I need to drink at least 5 mugs during the day at work. This is a long term goal. It is important to keep my supply up and because water is good for you. I will be accomplishing this by drinking one mug between each of my breaks and one mug during each break itself.

3. Get my thank you notes written. This is a short term goal. It is important because I am so grateful for all of the gifts we received and I want to have the cards out within a month of the shower. I will accomplish this by writing several during downtime at the hospital and finishing whatever isn't done over this weekend.

[icequeen]

starbuck27, yoshijo28, motownthrowdown, thank you all so much for the votes of confidence. Honestly, the guilt I feel about this is overwhelming and I hate having to admit that I am so weak. I know I have to keep fighting and I will, because I know my babies need me. I really needed to hear these positive words from y'all.

[juliayadda]

icequeen I am actually pretty proud of you!

Reporting that you ate more, worked out less and didn't purge sounds great!

I know doing those things gave you great anxiety, but they sound like positive things in the grand scheme.
Do what you can this week and take time to give yourself some love for all you have accomplished.

[juliayadda]

As for me:

I am being pretty mean to myself these days
Goal:

Try to not think negatively about myself.

Short term

Want to stop this self distructive spiral.

Will try to change negative scripts as they come

[juliayadda]

motownthrowdown you're a pumping machine! Love it and I truly admire your dedication.

[Deleted]

icequeen do you think your anxiety may have been triggered by pushin yourself to do even more non ED days than you had planned? I think in the past you have maybe pushed yourself too hard and burnt out a little? I agree with PPs, I think what you accomplished was great even though you did quite meet the goals you set.

I made my therapy appointment! It's not until Aug 10, but at least it's on the calendar, and they have me on the wait list if anything opens up sooner. So yay!

My new goal is to make sure I go to yoga once a week. It is important because it helps balance my mood so much. I will accomplish it by sharing my goal with DH so he can help me schedule it (I generally go on the weekend or after work so he has to be available to watch DS).

I also need to talk to DH about alternating my therapy appointments with our couples therapy appointments. It's important because I need to be in regular therapy to support my mental health. I'm not sure how I am going to accomplish it...

[helloerrbody]

icequeen, I have never posted on this board, and I do respect the idea of a safe place here, and I'm sure some may think I'm overstepping, but I can't keep quiet. I am concerned about you. I remember you saying that 2 doctors both told you to seek inpatient care and you refused. I care about you and your children, and I'm worried that you may need more help than you are currently getting.

Please know that this post comes from a legitimate place of concern.

[Deleted]

yoshijo28 and motownthrowdown you ladies are doing great with your goals, keep up the good work!

juliayadda I fight negative self talk too. I've started noticing it more often and sooner in the "talk," and that alone helps me stop it. I try to counter it by saying to myself "it's ok, everyone screws up sometimes" (or whatever's relevant) in a tone I'd use with DS. It really works! I hope you are successful with your goal this week.

[Deleted]

Jun 29, 2015 22:27:30 GMT -5 helloerrbody said:

icequeen, I have never posted on this board, and I do respect the idea of a safe place here, and I'm sure some may think I'm overstepping, but I can't keep quiet. I am concerned about you. I remember you saying that 2 doctors both told you to seek inpatient care and you refused. I care about you and your children, and I'm worried that you may need more help than you are currently getting.

Please know that this post comes from a legitimate place of concern.

Maybe this would have been better as a PM.

[DanaScullyX]

Jun 29, 2015 23:17:51 GMT -5 @rocknrollfriend said:

Jun 29, 2015 22:27:30 GMT -5 helloerrbody said:

icequeen, I have never posted on this board, and I do respect the idea of a safe place here, and I'm sure some may think I'm overstepping, but I can't keep quiet. I am concerned about you. I remember you saying that 2 doctors both told you to seek inpatient care and you refused. I care about you and your children, and I'm worried that you may need more help than you are currently getting.

Please know that this post comes from a legitimate place of concern.

Maybe this would have been better as a PM.

And maybe people need to see some productive discussion happen here.

[Deleted]

This is a friendly reminder that this board is supposed to be a safe place for those in need of support.The majority of the people who post on this board have diagnosed mental health issues, and are currently in treatment or may be considering receiving treatment.

We ask that everyone remember that many of these people may not openly talk about their issues IRL. The stigma of publicly admitting to having a mental illness is still very much present; we do not want to drive anyone away from here because they are afraid of being judged.

Please refer to our Newbie blog for further information on board guidelines. Or feel free to PM me @wallflwr926 or juliayadda with any questions.

[Deleted]

Jun 30, 2015 2:11:23 GMT -5 DanaScullyX said:

Jun 29, 2015 23:17:51 GMT -5 @rocknrollfriend said:

Maybe this would have been better as a PM.

And maybe people need to see some productive discussion happen here.

Uh, who are you again? You don't post here either. If you feel something needs to happen, please don't barge into our board (or at least introduce yourself first) and tell us what we need to do. Respectfully, please find another way. This is really rude and goes against the guidelines we have set up for this board.

[helloerrbody]

Jun 30, 2015 9:55:04 GMT -5 @wallflwr926 said:

This is a friendly reminder that this board is supposed to be a safe place for those in need of support.The majority of the people who post on this board have diagnosed mental health issues, and are currently in treatment or may be considering receiving treatment.

We ask that everyone remember that many of these people may not openly talk about their issues IRL. The stigma of publicly admitting to having a mental illness is still very much present; we do not want to drive anyone away from here because they are afraid of being judged.

Please refer to our Newbie blog for further information on board guidelines. Or feel free to PM me @wallflwr926 or juliayadda with any questions.

I am sorry if I did not follow the board's guidelines.  I certainly didn't mean to "barge in."  Sometimes the support that someone needs is an honest suggestion that further professional support might be needed.  Please notice that I did not tell her that she did need further help, I said "you may need more help than you are currently getting."  When I was struggling with an ED, I needed to be told that I wasn't doing well enough on my own and needed further help.  I could not see what others could see.

I also mentioned more than once that I was coming from a place of honest and caring concern.  I was not being judgmental whatsoever and I never intended to come off that way.  I'm honestly just worried about her, her unborn child, and her precious DS.  Sorry if I have prevented someone from posting here.

[Deleted]

Jun 30, 2015 12:26:55 GMT -5 helloerrbody said:

Jun 30, 2015 9:55:04 GMT -5 @wallflwr926 said:

This is a friendly reminder that this board is supposed to be a safe place for those in need of support.The majority of the people who post on this board have diagnosed mental health issues, and are currently in treatment or may be considering receiving treatment.

We ask that everyone remember that many of these people may not openly talk about their issues IRL. The stigma of publicly admitting to having a mental illness is still very much present; we do not want to drive anyone away from here because they are afraid of being judged.

Please refer to our Newbie blog for further information on board guidelines. Or feel free to PM me @wallflwr926 or juliayadda with any questions.

I am sorry if I did not follow the board's guidelines.  I certainly didn't mean to "barge in."  Sometimes the support that someone needs is an honest suggestion that further professional support might be needed.  Please notice that I did not tell her that she did need further help, I said "you may need more help than you are currently getting."  When I was struggling with an ED, I needed to be told that I wasn't doing well enough on my own and needed further help.  I could not see what others could see.

I also mentioned more than once that I was coming from a place of honest and caring concern.  I was not being judgmental whatsoever and I never intended to come off that way.  I'm honestly just worried about her, her unborn child, and her precious DS.  Sorry if I have prevented someone from posting here.

Thank you for the clarification of your post. We certainly do welcome participation from anyone who can provide advice from their own past experiences. It can be helpful to others to know things can and will get better.

If you would like to participate on the board, a short intro here or in your own intro thread would be greatly appreciated.

[icequeen]

yoshijo28, I know how hard it is avoid binging on foods that you normally avoid. I know I've said this before, but is there any way you can plan your meal ahead of time? If there are going to be a lot of tiny appetizer finger foods, maybe you can have one of each? And limit yourself to 1 serving of whatever main course you like? I also think you should tell YH that you will be anxious and ask him to reinforce your goals. Eat slowly and breathe, and talk to people so you're not just thinking about the food. And if you feel like you will spiral, you can leave.

motownthrowdown, I'm with juliayadda, I am seriously so impressed and in awe of how awesome of a mom you are. When I have this baby I am praying that I'll have the energy to BF like you do. I think your goals sound good, and maybe you can set aside a specific time and a set amount of cards to write each day. It seems like you've got a good plan!

juliayadda, self talk is so debilitating. It happens to me all the time. Most of the time when i say those things about myself I think that others must be thinking this so I may as well say it to myself first. Can you write a list of good qualities about yourself, as many as possible, and read it over each day to remind yourself how good of a person you are? I'm sure many can help with this list

@rocknrollfriend, the yoga sounds good! I'm even more pleased that you made the appointment. I think alternating would be perfect for you and DH, we've done that too. I really hope that works out.

[icequeen]

Jun 30, 2015 12:42:39 GMT -5 starbuck27 said:

Jun 29, 2015 21:27:03 GMT -5 icequeen said:

starbuck27, yoshijo28, motownthrowdown, thank you all so much for the votes of confidence. Honestly, the guilt I feel about this is overwhelming and I hate having to admit that I am so weak. I know I have to keep fighting and I will, because I know my babies need me. I really needed to hear these positive words from y'all.

Speaking generally, admitting that you have issues to address is not weakness, it is absolutely a show of STRENGTH.

You are fighting hard to conquer this and I admire that. Please don't think the struggle makes you weak.

I know what you mean, thank you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish just knowing the facts (I have a DD to take care of, I am pregnant, I am a wife, daughter, sister) was enough to prevent me from succumbing to my illness. It is so unfair that these obvious reasons to stay healthy and alive are not enough to conquer it.

[Deleted]

icequeen, so many hugs for you. It makes me sad when you get down on yourself because you are so wonderful! I agree that maybe upping your goals because you felt good about them put you in a more stressful place. I do that sometimes. I have had to actually tell myself "No... no matter how good I'm feeling, stick to my original goals and if I feel okay after I hit those, I can do more". I admire your hard work and willingness to be honest with yourself.


Goal: Continue with my yoga
Short or long term? long term
Why is it important? It has GREATLY reduced my anxiety. I still have bad days, but it takes me out of my own thoughts and helps me find some down time, even though some of the sequences are pretty hard.
How am I going to accomplish it? I started a 30 day challenge - I am 5 days into it and loving it... I plan to keep up the pace and make no excuses

Goal: Use breathing techniques to calm down
Short or long term? long term
Why is it important? It helps me get out of my dark place
How am I going to accomplish it? I just need to walk away from the situation and go into another room. I did this last night when I felt like I was going to explode and it helped a lot.

[kaeguri]

Jun 30, 2015 12:53:46 GMT -5 icequeen said:

Jun 30, 2015 12:42:39 GMT -5 starbuck27 said:

Speaking generally, admitting that you have issues to address is not weakness, it is absolutely a show of STRENGTH.

You are fighting hard to conquer this and I admire that. Please don't think the struggle makes you weak.

I know what you mean, thank you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish just knowing the facts (I have a DD to take care of, I am pregnant, I am a wife, daughter, sister) was enough to prevent me from succumbing to my illness. It is so unfair that these obvious reasons to stay healthy and alive are not enough to conquer it.

I was going to say the same thing as starbuck27, admitting you know what you need to work on, and actively trying to do something is a huge show of strength to me, especially with things like these. Fighting against your own mind and body is literally the hardest thing ever. And just bc the reasons are obvious don't make it any easier, if anything it makes it harder, bc that's what you believe is expected of you and when you don't meet your expectations, you feel guilt. So many hugs for you. You got this!

Trigger warning: PG mentioned

Short term goal week! Drink more water. Apparently 80 oz isn't cutting it, bc serious cramping and false contractions going on. Hopefully it's just dehydration, going to mention it to my OB this week. 

It's important bc water. And false labor scares do not help my anxiety at all, as I've discovered. 

I revived an app I downloaded a while ago, called Plant Nanny. It reminds me to drink water every hour and has a cute plant that I have to "water" or it'll die and it's very traumatic when my virtual plant looks withered and dies, lol. I felt so bad killing the plant last time I deleted the app. Maybe it'll force me to drink more now.

[kaeguri]

Jun 30, 2015 15:02:00 GMT -5 starbuck27 said:

kaeguri, just from my experience when I was PG, I had a lot of contractions from about 32 weeks on and ended up with prodromal labor from about 38 weeks on (I delivered at 41 weeks, though).

I don't know what you have tried, but a warm bath with lots of Epsom salt was extremely helpful to calm down my contractions. It got to the point where I would take a bath like that every day after work and it made me feel so much better.

I've been wondering if mine are just cramps or something more. My back pain changed yesterday from an annoying, nagging pain that I'm used to, to a throbbing pain today. And I'm pretty sure baby dropped this weekend, so much pressure and pain going on. A warm bath sounds heavenly though. Totally adding Epsom salt to my grocery list for tonight. Thanks!

[juliayadda]

Jun 30, 2015 15:08:37 GMT -5 kaeguri said:

Jun 30, 2015 15:02:00 GMT -5 starbuck27 said:

kaeguri, just from my experience when I was PG, I had a lot of contractions from about 32 weeks on and ended up with prodromal labor from about 38 weeks on (I delivered at 41 weeks, though).

I don't know what you have tried, but a warm bath with lots of Epsom salt was extremely helpful to calm down my contractions. It got to the point where I would take a bath like that every day after work and it made me feel so much better.

I've been wondering if mine are just cramps or something more. My back pain changed yesterday from an annoying, nagging pain that I'm used to, to a throbbing pain today. And I'm pretty sure baby dropped this weekend, so much pressure and pain going on. A warm bath sounds heavenly though. Totally adding Epsom salt to my grocery list for tonight. Thanks!

I second a doctor visit. It could be a kidney infection if it is more of a lower back achey pain. 

[bocaburger]

icequeen, I agree with what PPs have said - it takes so much strength to recognize your illness and push yourself to improve. Try to take small steps and acknowledge your accomplishments.

yoshijo28, good luck this weekend. Holiday weekends can definitely be tough but I hope recognizing that in advance will help you plan for it.

motownthrowdown, great job with the breastfeeding!

juliayadda, today I was talking to my therapist about my negative self-talk. He said to me, pretend that someone else is saying those things to you. How would you respond? You would be so angry and insulted, and you would defend yourself against their accusations. Recognize that if it would be inappropriate or damaging for someone to say to you, you shouldn't say it to yourself either. I don't know if that will help you or not but it really made sense to me.

@rocknrollfriend, good luck with the yoga and great job making your appointments!

@usernameedit, breathing really helps me calm down too. I have found that it's helpful to get into the practice of it even when I'm not upset; that way it comes more naturally when I'm not thinking clearly. Maybe doing some breathing exercises each night before bed would help you accomplish this goal.

kaeguri, that app sounds awesome! I kill lots of plants in real life though so it probably won't work for me. (That reminds me, I didn't water my plants this week...)

AFM...

Goal: Allow myself to feel hopeful about IVF
Short or long term? Short term
Why is it important? I've been so afraid to get my hopes up that I've been focusing on the failures. The anxiety is only going to make this IVF cycle harder.
How am I going to accomplish it? Try to focus on the situation at hand and not jump ahead to things that could go wrong. Remind myself that we have the best chances we've ever had and that this does work for many people. Remind myself that if it doesn't work the first time, we can try again. Ask H to help me focus on how much IVF will improve our chances and to redirect me when I am focusing on my fears.

Goal: Be in bed before midnight every night this week.
Short or long term? Short term
Why is it important? I have not been sleeping well recently and I need to catch up on sleep. It's important to increase my chances in IVF that I be well-rested and on a regular sleep schedule so that my circadian rhythms are regular.
How am I going to accomplish it? Set a deadline for myself and don't allow excuses. Think through what needs to be done before bed and do it as early as possible. Stop all electronics and start getting ready for bed, brushing teeth etc by 11:30.

[yoshijo28]

Jun 30, 2015 12:48:29 GMT -5 icequeen said:

yoshijo28, I know how hard it is avoid binging on foods that you normally avoid. I know I've said this before, but is there any way you can plan your meal ahead of time? If there are going to be a lot of tiny appetizer finger foods, maybe you can have one of each? And limit yourself to 1 serving of whatever main course you like? I also think you should tell YH that you will be anxious and ask him to reinforce your goals. Eat slowly and breathe, and talk to people so you're not just thinking about the food. And if you feel like you will spiral, you can leave.

motownthrowdown, I'm with juliayadda, I am seriously so impressed and in awe of how awesome of a mom you are. When I have this baby I am praying that I'll have the energy to BF like you do. I think your goals sound good, and maybe you can set aside a specific time and a set amount of cards to write each day. It seems like you've got a good plan!

juliayadda, self talk is so debilitating. It happens to me all the time. Most of the time when i say those things about myself I think that others must be thinking this so I may as well say it to myself first. Can you write a list of good qualities about yourself, as many as possible, and read it over each day to remind yourself how good of a person you are? I'm sure many can help with this list

@rocknrollfriend, the yoga sounds good! I'm even more pleased that you made the appointment. I think alternating would be perfect for you and DH, we've done that too. I really hope that works out.

I'm not sure what the food will be ahead of time but I like the idea of letting myself have 1 of each depending what it is. I just need to get away from the all or nothing mentality. There will be other opportunities to eat the food, I need to remind myself of that. If I'm feeling anxious I'll just avoid it entirely so I don't feel the need to binge

[yoshijo28]

Jun 30, 2015 12:53:46 GMT -5 icequeen said:

Jun 30, 2015 12:42:39 GMT -5 starbuck27 said:

Speaking generally, admitting that you have issues to address is not weakness, it is absolutely a show of STRENGTH.

You are fighting hard to conquer this and I admire that. Please don't think the struggle makes you weak.

I know what you mean, thank you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish just knowing the facts (I have a DD to take care of, I am pregnant, I am a wife, daughter, sister) was enough to prevent me from succumbing to my illness. It is so unfair that these obvious reasons to stay healthy and alive are not enough to conquer it.

From the outside these seem like obvious reasons. But when you're living it, it's much more difficult than that. ((Hugs))

[yoshijo28]

bocaburger I know IVF is so overwhelming but I hope you don't shut out the feeling of hope completely. It will increase your odds of success and I hope you can be excited even though you'll be anxious and nervous too. Fx for you

[bocaburger]

Jun 30, 2015 19:03:22 GMT -5 yoshijo28 said:

bocaburger I know IVF is so overwhelming but I hope you don't shut out the feeling of hope completely. It will increase your odds of success and I hope you can be excited even though you'll be anxious and nervous too. Fx for you

Thanks.  I feel like I've been shutting down my hope for so long as a defense mechanism, and now that we actually have decent chances of success I don't know how to reverse that habit!

[yoshijo28]

Jun 30, 2015 19:06:04 GMT -5 bocaburger said:

Jun 30, 2015 19:03:22 GMT -5 yoshijo28 said:

bocaburger I know IVF is so overwhelming but I hope you don't shut out the feeling of hope completely. It will increase your odds of success and I hope you can be excited even though you'll be anxious and nervous too. Fx for you

Thanks.  I feel like I've been shutting down my hope for so long as a defense mechanism, and now that we actually have decent chances of success I don't know how to reverse that habit!

I know I'm going to feel a similar way when we do IVF. But isn't it a great feeling knowing you're finally going into TTC on an even playing field (or with better odds than that) and now You can have a much better chance to TTC? I hope you can focus on that

[helloerrbody]

Jun 30, 2015 12:36:36 GMT -5 @wallflwr926 said:

Jun 30, 2015 12:26:55 GMT -5 helloerrbody said:

I am sorry if I did not follow the board's guidelines.  I certainly didn't mean to "barge in."  Sometimes the support that someone needs is an honest suggestion that further professional support might be needed.  Please notice that I did not tell her that she did need further help, I said "you may need more help than you are currently getting."  When I was struggling with an ED, I needed to be told that I wasn't doing well enough on my own and needed further help.  I could not see what others could see.

I also mentioned more than once that I was coming from a place of honest and caring concern.  I was not being judgmental whatsoever and I never intended to come off that way.  I'm honestly just worried about her, her unborn child, and her precious DS.  Sorry if I have prevented someone from posting here.

Thank you for the clarification of your post. We certainly do welcome participation from anyone who can provide advice from their own past experiences. It can be helpful to others to know things can and will get better.

If you would like to participate on the board, a short intro here or in your own intro thread would be greatly appreciated.

While I stand by my post, I do apologize to all of you for posting randomly here for the first time ever like that.

I'm helloerrbody, and I am a teacher in Texas.  *****trigger warning - ED details*****


I struggled with anorexia for many years.  I severely restricted calories and over-exercised for 3 years in college, followed by a few years of calorie restriction alternated with extreme binging.  I am able to say now that I have recovered.  I struggle sometimes with guilt regarding what I eat or when I don't exercise, but I am doing very well.

I will try to check in here to offer support, but due to my schedule, I am not around during the day.  My "main board" is GKU, but I'm just there on some weekday evenings and on weekends.

Again, I do apologize if I upset anyone.