Trouble TTC - do you have any blame, guilt, superstitions?

[meerkatmillie]

I can't help shake this superstitious comment DH made way back when we first started dating. He said we were "incompatible" and we briefly discussed ending things. But we got over it and eventually got married. Now that we're having trouble TTC that "incompatible" comment keeps popping in my head. Recently I started wondering if maybe our sperm and egg are incompatible (DH is greek, I am american), but the research on exogamous couples seems to be limited.

Logically, I know it's probably not DH or I's fault for taking awhile to conceive (especially since all our testing with the RE has checked out so far), but it's still nagging at me a little bit.

What kind of superstitions, or [unwarranted] guilt/blame do you feel? Has it affected your behavior or relationship with your SO at all?

[mustloveerica]

I'd don't have superstitions but I do feel a significant amount of shame. I'm ashamed when people ask me when we are having kids because I feel our trouble makes me a failure as a woman. DH and I have fought about this several times. He's horrified that I put so much blame on myself. But when everyone around me is GKU I just feel broken and ashamed. IF is a very painful and lonely situation.

You're not alone. And please know that we are here for you if you ever need to vent or a shoulder to cry on.

[mazzola23]

I know we just started, but I worry we waited too long and feel like I'm in a time crunch due to being "advanced maternal age."

[juliayadda]

Since you are both human I suspect you will have compatible gametes.

This is weird...

[joy]

Jul 1, 2015 7:21:57 GMT -5 juliayadda said:

Since you are both human I suspect you will have compatible gametes.

This is weird...

::sits with Julia::

[goldenlove3]

I went through a phase a few years ago where I didn't know if I wanted kids and I told people that so they would get off my back about it. Now I feel like the universe is laughing at me.

[mrsjene]

Jul 1, 2015 7:24:15 GMT -5 joy said:

Jul 1, 2015 7:21:57 GMT -5 juliayadda said:

Since you are both human I suspect you will have compatible gametes.

This is weird...

::sits with Julia::

Room at the table for one more?

[pennsatucky]

*sad warning*  DH and I have been together almost 11 years, married for 5.  We always had in our mind that we'd have kids some day but have been fairly career focused.  When my cousins started having kids, my grandmother would buy an extra of everything just so that she could give it to our future kids.  DH and my grandmas both died in May within 9 days of each other.  We both have a lot of guilt that our future children will never get to know these amazing women.  It really put everything into perspective for us.  

[joy]

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to your feelings, meerkatmillie, but thinking that you may be incompatible due to him being Greek and you being American literally makes no sense. I think you've let your mind really wander off the main road here. And that's okay as long as you realize it and come back.

We're at 23 months of no babies. I don't feel guilt so much as confusion. Everything checked out at the RE for us, too. So what is the problem? It could be any number of biological issues that no one has tests for, truthfully. It sucks but I try not to get caught up in blame or guilt but rather be hopeful that the next step will be a good one.

[cheshie6]

+1 on Guilt and shame. Guilt, we kept putting off having kids because the time wasn't right. Well my dad passed away 2.5 years ago so I'm feeling like my kids are missing out on that and he's missing out on being a dad. Shame because nobody before me had a miscarriage in our family that we know of, nobody seemed to struggle to get pregnant either. After, my sister had 2 so on bad days, I feel like I brought bad luck to our family.

[icaughtfire]

Feeling guilt over TTTC is understandable. I often feel guilt over my losses, even though logically I know I did nothing to cause them. But worrying his Greek sperm won't meet with your American egg? As though sperm & eggs vary by culture?

[NatalieDavid]

DH is very superstitious, he never wants to talk about baby names bc he thinks it will jinx things. *loss mentioned* I feel a huge amount of guilt about our loss. Even though it was a chromosomal abnormality that caused us to lose our little girl I still can't help but think I did something wrong. I feel like since I overly plan every aspect of my life this is the worlds way of laughing at me for thinking I can control everything.

[Andrea]

I am going to fire my RE and post an add on Craiglist: Looking for Colombian sperm donor, my American husband and I are incompatible.

[singingsea]

No superstitions but I did just get told this morning that I need to "relax" and "then it will happen." Seriously.

[requiressnacks]

Jul 1, 2015 9:15:22 GMT -5 Andrea said:

I am going to fire my RE and post an add on Craiglist: Looking for Colombian sperm donor, my American husband and I are incompatible.

[Andrea]

I think all of us can sympathize with the stress of TTC, specially if you are struggling. But yikes dude. The whole view and worry about "exogamous couples" thing just rubbed all sorts of the wrong way.

[graysweater]

Jul 1, 2015 9:17:46 GMT -5 singingsea said:

No superstitions but I did just get told this morning that I need to "relax" and "then it will happen." Seriously.

I got told that very same thing last week on CD 1. 

[requiressnacks]

I often feel guilt about being overweight and how that affects my fertility. There was a fleeting moment where I thought that the sperm couldn't meet the egg because I had a "fat" vagina. Then I came to my senses and let go of my insanity.


But yes, I do empathize that often times it is the female who carries a lot of the guilt about TTC.

I think you have to let go the "exogamous couples" stuff.

[cali]

Welp, I think you can go ahead and not worry about your different cultures being the problem because I definitely do not think that is a thing. I would not expect you to find any research on that topic because as pointed out by a PP, as long as you are both human you should be a-okay on that front. However, I do understand your feeling guilty or ashamed because things are going the way they're supposed to for you. I think it is always hard when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and it just is not happening for you.

**loss warning**


I definitely have my days when I feel shame or guilt not just because we haven't gotten pregnant over the last 10 months but also because of my loss with my first pregnancy. I still don't know what caused my loss so I spend way more time than I'd like to admit thinking of everything I might have done during my pregnancy that could have caused my loss, even though I know it is ridiculous.

[singingsea]

Jul 1, 2015 9:27:45 GMT -5 graysweater said:

Jul 1, 2015 9:17:46 GMT -5 singingsea said:

No superstitions but I did just get told this morning that I need to "relax" and "then it will happen." Seriously.

I got told that very same thing last week on CD 1. 

HUGS! H told me yesterday "we just need to try harder" wtf seriously. This is not a sporting event.

[risscaboobs]

Jul 1, 2015 7:21:57 GMT -5 juliayadda said:

Since you are both human I suspect you will have compatible gametes.

This is weird...

So glad I wasn't the only one who thought this... wtf?

I'm sorry you're feeling any kind of guilt, OP, but such a weird comment...

[SheilaTheTank]

Jul 1, 2015 9:31:01 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

I often feel guilt about being overweight and how that affects my fertility. There was a fleeting moment where I thought that the sperm couldn't meet the egg because I had a "fat" vagina. Then I came to my senses and let go of my insanity.


But yes, I do empathize that often times it is the female who carries a lot of the guilt about TTC.

I think you have to let go the "exogamous couples" stuff.

I've seen your wedding photos. You are fucking gorgeous. Don't ever let anyone fat shame you. You are beautiful. 

[cali]

Jul 1, 2015 9:39:38 GMT -5 singingsea said:

Jul 1, 2015 9:27:45 GMT -5 graysweater said:

I got told that very same thing last week on CD 1. 

HUGS! H told me yesterday "we just need to try harder" wtf seriously. This is not a sporting event.

After our BFN last cycle MH asked me, "are you sure we're doing this right?" Um, yes, I'm pretty damn sure. 

[requiressnacks]

Jul 1, 2015 9:43:31 GMT -5 SheilaTheTank said:

Jul 1, 2015 9:31:01 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

I often feel guilt about being overweight and how that affects my fertility. There was a fleeting moment where I thought that the sperm couldn't meet the egg because I had a "fat" vagina. Then I came to my senses and let go of my insanity.


But yes, I do empathize that often times it is the female who carries a lot of the guilt about TTC.

I think you have to let go the "exogamous couples" stuff.

I've seen your wedding photos. You are fucking gorgeous. Don't ever let anyone fat shame you. You are beautiful. 

Thanks, Sheila!  I am overweight, but it was a true, honest moment of insanity. People of all shapes and sizes successfully GKU.

Hope all is well!

[paloslee]

I had my son at 16yrs old. I was a baby having a baby. I knew it was going to be difficult but never once did I think of abortion. I got in BCP right after leaving the hospital because my mother didn't want me to get pregnant again, I don't blame her for worrying. I was on BCP for 16yrs. I sometimes feel guilty that I was on BCP for so long and that I focused on education and my career. We've been TTC for 7/8 months, which I know isn't long. But, sometimes I feel like why did I wait so long? My children will be more than 17yrs apart? Will I get pregnant? Maybe I was only meant to have one child? All these random thoughts wander in my mind. I know its silly and I just got to focus on the good things in my life. Thanks to all the ladies here for the support! I am glad to be part of this community.

[paloslee]

Jul 1, 2015 9:31:01 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

I often feel guilt about being overweight and how that affects my fertility. There was a fleeting moment where I thought that the sperm couldn't meet the egg because I had a "fat" vagina. Then I came to my senses and let go of my insanity.


But yes, I do empathize that often times it is the female who carries a lot of the guilt about TTC.

I think you have to let go the "exogamous couples" stuff.

You are Bella!

[paloslee]

Jul 1, 2015 9:32:41 GMT -5 cali said:

Welp, I think you can go ahead and not worry about your different cultures being the problem because I definitely do not think that is a thing. I would not expect you to find any research on that topic because as pointed out by a PP, as long as you are both human you should be a-okay on that front. However, I do understand your feeling guilty or ashamed because things are going the way they're supposed to for you. I think it is always hard when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and it just is not happening for you.

**loss warning**


I definitely have my days when I feel shame or guilt not just because we haven't gotten pregnant over the last 10 months but also because of my loss with my first pregnancy. I still don't know what caused my loss so I spend way more time than I'd like to admit thinking of everything I might have done during my pregnancy that could have caused my loss, even though I know it is ridiculous.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss...hugs!

[singingsea]

Jul 1, 2015 9:45:06 GMT -5 cali said:

Jul 1, 2015 9:39:38 GMT -5 singingsea said:

HUGS! H told me yesterday "we just need to try harder" wtf seriously. This is not a sporting event.

After our BFN last cycle MH asked me, "are you sure we're doing this right?" Um, yes, I'm pretty damn sure. 

Ear sex. XD

[graysweater]

Jul 1, 2015 9:39:38 GMT -5 singingsea said:

Jul 1, 2015 9:27:45 GMT -5 graysweater said:

I got told that very same thing last week on CD 1. 

HUGS! H told me yesterday "we just need to try harder" wtf seriously. This is not a sporting event.

It's crazy the things people say. Hugs to you as well... Husbands can be so clueless sometimes. 

[requiressnacks]

Jul 1, 2015 10:02:13 GMT -5 singingsea said:

Jul 1, 2015 9:45:06 GMT -5 cali said:

After our BFN last cycle MH asked me, "are you sure we're doing this right?" Um, yes, I'm pretty damn sure. 

Ear sex. XD

I had a friend, who right before she got married told her future husband that once they were married she would "let him put it in the 4th hole." (as a joke)

He believed her and on their wedding night he asked where the 4th hole is. We died laughing when she told us.