Default Parent

[katzalia]

So I can't remember if we've talked about this here in that other place already, so my apologies if this duplicates.

I was reading this article today about being the default parent. And though I know it wasn't the most serious parenting article out there, it really got me thinking about the amount of energy I spend attending to all the details of parenting that don't really go into the workload calculus. Like the example of cleaning out drawers to make sure everything in there fits and works for the season, etc. Or making sure the diaper bag is stocked, or how I have to step DH (an otherwise amazingly reliable and the hardest working guy I know) through the evening routine, because he's "helping" not taking ownership. 

This isn't really meant as a vent, more as an acknowledgment of the mental energy that goes into keeping track of all the details all the time. And I wonder how to reduce the strain of this in everyday life. A couple of questions for everyone: 

Would you consider yourself the "default parent"? Or your SO? Or share equally? 

What strategies do you have to manage all the incessant juggling of details that goes into parenting?

[sstwinklinglites]

I'm the default parent. I know it's because I'm a SAHM and so in DH mind it's my job. I don't get on him too heavily about it because he tries hard to pitch in around the house, both when I ask and also taking the initiative on his own. But with DS, I have to tell him every single thing that needs to be done when he's "helping." I also have to call or txt if I'm out and left him with the baby to remind him of everything, or he just doesn't remember.

[lecky11]

I'm also the default parent. DH is a great father when it comes to taking care of her, but all of the little things I'm responsible for. Clipping fingernails, buying clothes, making doctor's appts, etc. He's off on Thursdays so he has her all day, but it drives me crazy that he can't get even one household chore done while he has her. Also, he decided before she was born that he would make her food, but I ended up doing it. He has finally started making it in the last few weeks. I'm not sure I always cope well because I'm Type A & never feel like I get anything done, but I just always write out to-do lists & try to do at least one thing on the list every day.

[katzalia]

I definitely feel like I'm the default parent. I'm the one who does all the reading, plans and prepares all the meals and activities, makes and attends MD appts, makes sure there are plenty of diapers, yaddah yaddah yaddah. This is not to say MH doesn't take responsibility for other things. He is the default for a host of household/car/yard tasks. Bottom line, right now I am the default parent, and I'm pretty okay with that in our division of labor. I may want that to change more when I'm back to work, or maybe I just want to get better at putting systems in place to stay organized.

I am just starting to think about being strategic in managing parenting tasks. Honestly, for the first four or five months, I was still feeling pretty awful due to complications in healing from a rough delivery. And since then, with the holidays...let's just say I've been coping day-to-day with tasks and not taking a birds-eye view of how to manage. How the eff do I get things organized enough that I'm not trying to keep all the daily baby-and-home minutia in my head all day?

[flockofmoosen]

I am also the default parent. My husband is a very willing and capable father and care taker but I take care of all the nitty gritty. Right now we're looking for daycare stuff and that's all my responsibility to drive forward. He will help make decisions and do tours and interviews with me, but I have to schedule. This is okay with me. He is good about everything else, and doesn't put things off like I do. I also like being in charge of baby. I generally know what I'm doing and don't need him to help with everything, but when he volunteers to change her or watch her so I can go out, it pays.

[kendy20]

Jan 23, 2015 23:30:54 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

I'm the default parent. I know it's because I'm a SAHM and so in DH mind it's my job. I don't get on him too heavily about it because he tries hard to pitch in around the house, both when I ask and also taking the initiative on his own. But with DS, I have to tell him every single thing that needs to be done when he's "helping." I also have to call or txt if I'm out and left him with the baby to remind him of everything, or he just doesn't remember.

Pretty much the same here. DH does all the finances and budgets everything while I take care of the home and DD.

[zolten]

Im the default everything right now. DH is working on his master's, which I encourage him to keep up with. We both work full time, then he does school work until bed each day. I am responsible for cooking cleaning budgets financial planning and keeping the dogs and kid alive. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed but its temporary...2.5 more years.

[sstwinklinglites]

Jan 24, 2015 2:17:58 GMT -5 kendy20 said:

Jan 23, 2015 23:30:54 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

I'm the default parent. I know it's because I'm a SAHM and so in DH mind it's my job. I don't get on him too heavily about it because he tries hard to pitch in around the house, both when I ask and also taking the initiative on his own. But with DS, I have to tell him every single thing that needs to be done when he's "helping." I also have to call or txt if I'm out and left him with the baby to remind him of everything, or he just doesn't remember.

Pretty much the same here. DH does all the finances and budgets everything while I take care of the home and DD.

Oh, I also do the budgeting and finances. This post has made me realize that DH has it super easy.

[lissiehoya]

I'm also the default parent with all these little things (that of course add up to a lot). The discussion reminds me of Bringing Up Bébé, actually. There's a quote in there that says that French women just view men as a separate species that isn't good at things like remembering to make doctors appointments.

ETA: If I remember later, I'll find the actual quote. The book is on the shelf in the baby's room and he's still asleep.

[birdhut]

I'm the default parent. He does help a lot when he can but on the weekends when he's home all day he always asks what should I feed her or other questions like that. I don't have a menu just pick something. I get her dressed but he does do baths and helps with bedtime routine and dinner. I stay home though and have learned tricks he hasn't yet so I think that's why. He always says I don't know how she does... On her own. Well you just do it. You figure it out. I think since I'm always around he hasn't had to.

[ricola0522]

I am definitely the default parent. I ensure LO is fed, changed, has clothes/toys, gets bathed etc. I am also responsible for grocery shopping/meal planning, scheduling, budgeting and household logistics in addition to working full time. On the rare occasion I leave LO alone with DH I generally get lots of texts asking what to do, how to do it, etc. My type A personality and borderline OCD is generally ok with our setup.

[scout251]

Jan 24, 2015 7:52:40 GMT -5 ricola0522 said:

I am definitely the default parent. I ensure LO is fed, changed, has clothes/toys, gets bathed etc. I am also responsible for grocery shopping/meal planning, scheduling, budgeting and household logistics in addition to working full time. On the rare occasion I leave LO alone with DH I generally get lots of texts asking what to do, how to do it, etc. My type A personality and borderline OCD is generally ok with our setup.

This is me too. But I've actually been in quite the funk the past few days because of this because I've been feeling like DH has barely had to change his routines at all since we had DD. I know it's partly because I'm a control freak but I don't think he actually realizes how much time I spend on baby stuff (making food, buying diapers & other necessities, doctors appointments, baby laundry, pumping & freezing milk, etc.) above & beyond the time I actually spend playing with her, feeding her & changing her. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to DH about this without sounding nitpicky or petty since, in general, he's a great husband & father but now that I'm back at work full time too I need him to understand why I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

[kittyriot]

I imagine we have a different set up than most. We share the house pretty equally. MH just is the better homemaker. So because of him we have a household cleaning schedule, and we try to make sure the chores are balanced. We pay bills and do financial planning, together, always. But I am left to make most of the decisions and make sure our daughter's life is planned and organized for. Not limited to making all the choices about car seat and other gear, organizing her clothing, making dr's appointments, packing her diaper bag. That being said MH is a good Dad. He can care for her, get her down for a nap, every week he takes her grocery shopping with him (he likes to go early Sunday morning, so he lets me sleep in and takes LO for Daddy/Daughter time).....he definitely doesn't heed my advice, refuses to take her diaper bag with him to the grocery store, doesn't always follow my patterns when he's home with her for a day, but I feel like I have to give him that, allow him to figure out his own patterns with her, decides what works for the two of them. I figure their relationship will be stronger by me giving them the room to figure it out. What it's given me is a partner in this...sure I do most of the work when it comes to her, but he does more than enough in every way possible.

[lrmrtn]

DH is a great dad but I'm the default parent. If we're both here, I'm the one who usually gets up with him, gets him a bottle, etc. DH will do it but I have to ask, he won't take the initiative. But if he's alone with DS, he'll do everything that needs to be done and doesn't need to ask. He knows the routine. I'm the one though that gets DS's stuff for daycare, brings DS to doctor's appointments, does the budget, etc. But I know DH does more than a lot of guys and is more involved than I thought he'd be.

[jerssey]

I am 100% the default parent. Actually I am more like the only one doing the parenting. I solely take care of the kids. Dont want to make DH sound like a douche but I do everything kid related. He has never changed, bathed, fed, got to sleep... Nothing. He does chores around the house and he works a ton. Hes gone by 6:30 am and home at 7 pm. He also works Mon to Sat. So Sunday is his day off. We also have a cottage so some Sundays he goes to check the property during off seasons when we don't use it. I barely see him.
It's almost like being single but sharing a home with someone.
Most times it doesn't bother me but occasionally when I am just exhausted, it would be so nice if he could pitch in but I would have to show him everything anyway so it gets more frustrating.
With our DD, the older she gets, he is better because she basically makes him do stuff, like hold her hand to get a snack and carry her up to bed. But with babies he seems a little terrified that he doesn't know what to do or something. Anyhow sorry that was so long

[milasmommy2014]

Jan 24, 2015 7:38:03 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

Jan 24, 2015 2:17:58 GMT -5 kendy20 said:

Pretty much the same here. DH does all the finances and budgets everything while I take care of the home and DD.

Oh, I also do the budgeting and finances. This post has made me realize that DH has it super easy.

I am with you. Reading what other dhs do made me realize my husband probably has the easiest home life there could me. Partially my fault I just need to ask him to do more...

[scout251]

I'm in the same boat with feedings because I try to save bottles & my pumped milk for daycare but you're right, I probably just need to be more clear about what I want done. I just have a hard time doing that without feeling like he is an overgrown child and then it doesn't always come out in the nicest way.

[ksyknelvr73]

Yep, definitely me for the default parent. It's almost like things don't "occur" to DH that he should be doing. He has zero involvement with things like doctor appointments, packing the diaper bag depending on where we are going and for how long, etc. Even basic little stuff like LO has a diaper rash...oh yeah I should probably put cream on it, or LO woke up earlier to eat than nornal so we need to cap an extra bottle for daycare. It drives me crazy at times, more so over the little stuff I just mentioned as opposed to the doctor appts and diaper bag. I prefer to be the one to plan and prepare, generally, and keep track of where they are health wise.

I have assigned certain tasks to him and I feel like he can handle things better when I do that and give him specific instructions. He is 100% in charge of washing and making bottles, empyting the diaper pail, bath time for at least one, if not both boys, getting both boys ready in the morning for daycare.

[mary97]

When it comes to day to day stuff, we are about equal. She's crying and he sees what time it is, he knows it's probably bottle and goes fix one up or checks her diaper. He's usually the one that washes bottles.

I do handle getting her stuff together for daycare but I could always tell him that's his job and have no problem trusting him to do it. I do handle things like her doctor's appointments and was the one that did the research, site visits, etc for finding both her pedi and daycare. Stocking diaper bag seems to be my job but he'll ask what else we are going to bring if we are going anywhere and even ask if we are taking "such and such".

I am the one that ends up looking at all our parenting books or looking online for things when we have question which does bug me, we have 3 books, wish he would open one up from time to time. I can even steer him towards which one probably fits the situation better.

[ksyknelvr73]

Jan 24, 2015 14:33:29 GMT -5 pistolpackinmomma said:

Jan 24, 2015 11:20:44 GMT -5 scout251 said:

I'm in the same boat with feedings because I try to save bottles & my pumped milk for daycare but you're right, I probably just need to be more clear about what I want done. I just have a hard time doing that without feeling like he is an overgrown child and then it doesn't always come out in the nicest way.

Most men want a clear direct request. You ask to help and they will sit there not knowing what to do. You give them specific tasks to do that will help you and you'll get a lot further. Just say hey hun, can you deal with the dishes tonight for me? Or "here's a list, would you mind running to the store? Bonus points if you take the kid!"

Exactly, and sometimes you have to be annoyingly specific even though to you it's common sense.

[sexypumpkin]

I'd say me for sure. But my DH does help out with various things. And he plays a lot with DD. I'm home more alone with them. Especially, lately he has 2 evenings with classes and working on class or other things on weekends & night.

[ho11yday]

I feel like we share though dh probably feels as if he's the default parent.

DH does bed time routine, baths, grocery shopping. But I make the grocery list, prepare the food, organize the closet and move out outgrown clothes. I make the doctor appointments and go to them but dh gets up in the middle of the night to take care of the kids when they cry.

I think we do what is important to ourselves. It wasn't necessarily a decision we made consciously.

[merrylove]

100% default parent. DH is a good dad, but he works a lot and works from home, too. Since he works from home and is working so often and I'm a SAHM the lines for co-parenting are blurry. I've talked with him about wanting to have more time where we are both parents and it's not just assumed that I'm the one who will do everything. I actually had to bring it to his attention that I should get to poop alone every day and shower alone on the weekends at the very least! He has never once taken DS out of the house alone - he says he is too scared.

[zolten]

My husband was the default (really only) parent today while I was helping my mom sort through my grandma's paperwork. He was amazing and only asked what to do a few times (he somehow still doesn't understand feeding cues). Im thankful he stepped up! But it wont be like this for long.

[activebaby]

I'm the default patent as well. DH had to move to another state because of his job when DS was 6 weeks old. He visited when he could (~ weekend a month). We just moved (me and DS) so we are all back together. But it's been my way for a while now. Not complaining- I am glad I that I wasn't in DH's shoes...I couldn't have done it.

[et2014]

I'm the default parent. . I won't lie, I feel lonely in it sometimes. We are getting to more of a middle ground with each other but at the beginning of DS's life, I would get jealous that DH got to sleep 7-8 hours straight. Granted, he needs his brain to operate his job bc he does math all night long but sleep deprivation in addition to hormones, I wasn't accepting it. DH works 7 nights in a row but on the flip side does have 7 days off. I take care of it all though. Grocery, meals, appointments, all baby necessities, dog necessities, etc. I'm busier than I ever was working full time it seems. When he is off, he's much more aware of what needs to be done and we try to give each other a break where we can.

[rainbowsockmonkey]

Default parent here as well. Like a lot of you I'm also in charging of making sure the clothes in the dresser are the right size, and determine what we need for the next season/ size, grocery shopping, packing diaper bag, doctor visits, etc. One thing that DH has been great about is giving 1 day every week that I can "sleep in". DD is still BF, so I will get up and feed her, then wake up DH and he will take downstairs and hang out with her while I rest till she goes down for her nap.

[justforshow]

I'm the default. If I tell DH he needs to watch/feed/change DD, he will, but he doesn't automatically offer up to. He has been good about going to Dr. appts. and if he's home at night, he likes to give DD her bath. I'm in charge of groceries, cleaning, clothing, feeding, etc. DH does handle finances, but that's mostly because he's got a system that I don't understand.

[tiffbabey]

I am definitely the default parent. DH will help out if asked and does things like cook supper if im busy with DS, but I do 90% of baby care. He helps with baths and feeding dinner but I do pick up and drop off and do most things with baby after work. I also pay the bills.

[ns1]

Yep - another default parent here. You can tell by the number of bags/people/and bottles I haul through the door when I walk in from work versus DH who strolls in with both hands free.