ttma anxiety (long)

[Deleted]

this might be a post and run because i am working today (or supposed to be lol). 

i've been feeling anxious lately. I do have a lot on my plate right now because we are moving, but i think it has been going on longer than that. It's just very specific i guess you would say. I don't even really know where to begin. I will say that I feel awkward talking to my doctor about it because it is a new doctor and I have only met him like twice. My old doctor retired suddenly after getting diagnosed with cancer. I had held off talking to him about it because I thought it would get better. Now I kind of wish i did because I really felt comfortable with him. 

ok, anyway... i have a lot of trouble dealing with the parenting thing as far as potential hazards go. I have a lot of anxiety around "bad things" that could happen. At first i thought it was normal, new mom stuff. But it's only gotten worse, especially after having a 2nd child. So basically, i see the potential danger or hazard in EVERYTHING. according to my sister and husband, i excessively worry about things that wouldn't even cross their minds. 

for some reason, i have this fear of home invasions. i mean, the statistics of that happening are low. But if H is working overnight (he is LE) i will lay there making plans in my head for what I will do if X happens, or if Y happens. I get scared and am afraid I won't be able to protect them.

a few other examples: i hate going to the park and rarely take the kids. I spend the entire time worrying that one of them will get hurt. I was so surprised when i went with my sister and she was letting her son go down slides by himself (my DS is the same age - they were about 19 months at the time we went) because I was having mine ride on my lap. I'm constantly saying "be careful", I'm so afraid DD will not be paying attention or will trip and fall off the jungle gym - like the areas where they walk across from like slide to slide. I am basically on heightened alert helicoptering the entire time and i can't relax and let them enjoy themselves. 

we are building a new house and there is a balcony. i actually mentioned in conversation that it made me nervous with DS. The railing is way taller than him but i thought.. what if one of the spindles broke loose or something and he could fall through. thats when my sister was like "i probably never would've even thought of that" and told me i was overreacting. 

i even feel like sometimes helicopter at our own house. like i want them to play in the room i am in so i can watch them. i often don't let them run around in the house because one of them could fall and get hurt... what if it they hit the edge of the table or something? 

i avoid the news because i get really upset over bad stories. like, can't stop thinking about it upset. if it involves kids i feel sick and start thinking "what if that was us". 

I am afraid that my issues and worries mean I am not letting them have fun and be kids. that is not doing them any favors. but i cannot stand being constantly worried and anxious.

what can i do? i know i should talk to my doctor. if i have a better relationship with my gyro can i talk to him instead of my primary? i don't think this is PPD or PPA because the youngest is almost 2. and i never had the symptoms on the surveys they gave. this seemed normal when they were first born and like i said, it is getting worse the more active they become. 

i am not sure how i feel about therapy. i think i would have trouble being completely open, so i don't know that it would benefit. are there ways to deal with this without meds? if you take meds, how do they work? do they just keep you calm, you don't worry as much? Jesus, i minored in psych in college and i am a social worker, but when it's involving me I just feel lost. 

is this totally normal behavior and i am overthinking it? it doesn't feel normal because i don't like feeling this way. 

i am getting ramble-y now and i am starting to get upset thinking about it all. i don't want my kids to suffer because of my paranoia / worry / concern that they'll get hurt. 

so anything you can tell me will be helpful. 

i don't know where to start. 

thanks. and sorry this was long. 

ETA: I just wanted to add because i forgot to mention. that when i think about the potential hazard or injury - i don't just think about that things that could happen, i then think about everything else. what if this happens, what will i do, i will do this. how will i feel? will i forgive myself? it will be my fault. what if its this kind of injury? what if its this? etc etc etc. it kind of spirals in my head)

[tonksy]

Hugs, you are not alone. I suffer from anxiety too. Most people do in some form. I would say if anxious thoughts are present, and they don't interfere with your daily life, it's nothing to think further on. But if they stop you from doing things, then I would seek help. Talk to whichever medical professional you are most comfortable talking to. Just ask for help.
If its been happen since the birth of your first or your second, it could be PPA,just undiagnosed. It may affect how they approach treatment (tactics for general anxiety vs. Anxiety brought on by a single episode, which the birth could be). For me it meant when I was in the clear, I was able to wean off meds. Mine was episodic rather than general.
I had similar thoughts of horrible things happening. I often didn't leave the house because I was fearful of them coming true. I lived on a steep hill and imagined accidentally losing control of the stroller and it careening down the hill and crashing. I sometimes wouldn't go downstairs because I had a fear of tripping and dropping DD. That is when I knew I needed help. Because I wasn't living. It was controlling me.

[thebanich]

Big hugs. You are definitely not alone. I can commiserate with a lot of the fears that you have.

The majority of my anxiety is related to death/dying and illness. When I was a child I was afraid to leave the room that my family was in because I just assumed that one of them would die while I was gone. If my parents went out and didn't come back until really late I would sit in the hallway of our apartment complex just waiting for them. Usually sobbing because I just thought they weren't going to come back. It seemed to come and go so I would have "episodes" of really bad anxiety that would last a while and then I would be ok. It was like this through grad school where I eventually had a complete breakdown and left.

I was able to 'deal' with it (by not really dealing with it?) for a long time but after I had kids and the PPA/PPD became an issue I had to start on medication.

I have not gone to see a counselor yet but my Dr. is working me up to it.

[Deleted]

i'm practically in tears here reading your responses. I hate that several of you have gone through this or worse, but I'm glad to know I am not alone. I'm having a really hard time admitting this. My family is not very understanding of mental health type stuff and they kind of brush things off and are like "omg you need to relax". please don't think they are heartless jerks. they just don't get it i think. i don't know.

@twoscoops i kind of mentioned it to my H the other night but i was moody and we ended up fighting instead of talking about it. i mean, he knows that "excessively" worry about things that are out of my control but i don't know that he realizes its affecting how i parent and my daily living. i think he doesn't quite understand this stuff either. i think he sees mental health only in the extreme. not that lots of people experience issues, etc.

i will talk to him and then figure out whether i am going to talk to one of my doctors or maybe the EAP at work.

i am wondering if the stress of moving is heightening it. i think it could be. but i also know that i was feeling this way long before moving. i mean, the park thing happened well before that so....

[lucilleaustero]

You are not alone. I had PPA that went untreated for 7 months and morphed in PPOCD.

It is typical for mothers to worry, even if they know the worrying is irrational. When the thoughts, called intrustive thoughts, become disruptive to your day and affect your quality of life, it is time to ask for help.

I kept thinking that things would get better once _______ happened. When _________________ happened and it was not better, I thought it would get better when _______________ happened. When _________________ happened and it was not better, I thought it would get better when _______________ happened. It took seven months for my husband to realize that _________________ was enver going to happen. He called for me, I probably would not have done it. He then called my mother, to let her know what was going on and the time and date of my appt so that she would make sure I went, since he was at work.

The first appointment, I cried for an hour. I walked out with a referall to a therapist that specialized in PPOCD and a prescription for Zoloft and I started to get myself out of the hole.

I still struggle with the OCD, but it is in the background now, like white noise that I have gotten used to. The hardest part is the first part. Hugs, mama. This shit is hard.

[ceebug]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, and the worry after my babies were born made me feel like I was drowning. I did not see anyone for it, but now I regret that decision.

It sounds like you are under an immense amount of pressure and stress. Please don't beat yourself up about your emotions or feelings. I don't have any real advice, but I will offer some creepy, Internet hugs!

[lucilleaustero]

@scoutnumbers

"It still happens, I had a panic attack last night as luck would have it. But it's a lot less scary because the rational part of my brain is more engaged and I can practice the techniques I've learned to help me weather it. I was able to calm down much faster and able to actually sleep. That would not have happened six months ago".

This exactly. I did something called Exposure Therapy and it taught me coping techniques and strategies. It helps my intrusive thoughts become background.

[Deleted]

fyi, when i love tit your posts, i am not love titting what you went through. i am love titting that you are sharing with me. and i am extremely grateful.

[thebay]

I third(fourth?) PP's about therapy. It feels like there's no way you'd be able to be open to a stranger, but when you find someone you click with it's amazing. The lack of judgement and the coping strategies you learn are really invaluable, I would highly recommend.

So many hugs. You're not alone, and when it is affecting your enjoyment of daily life you deserve to feel better. It's not your fault, and it is legitimate and deserving of attention.

Take care of you, be your best advocate. And fuck anyone who says otherwise right in the asshole.

[mischief]

Most definitely not alone. I also could have written this post myself. I take Prozac and go to bi weekly therapy now. Both have helped me immensely. My family is also anti doctor so it took a lot for me to finally tell my H that I was not okay and I needed help. I was super nervous about going into therapy, I didnt want to be judged by someone who didnt know my life and to be evaluating me. But after I got over the hurdle of actually going I genuinely look forward to my appointments. Its nice to get an outside perspective and get tips and ideas to help me. And to have someone help me set goals for myself.

My biggest advice is if you dont click with the first therapist is to keep looking until you find one you do click with. I still have good days and bad days, but I know how to better control them and how to handle them. I have also given H tactics to help me when Im having a bad day. The Prozac also didnt fix me completely but it allows me to feel more normal, if you will. The good days definitely outweigh the bad now.

[rondackhiker]

A few months ago, I could've written your post.

I'd spend my nights plotting how to save my kids and pets during a home invasion or fire and my days planning my escape from an active shooter. I'd imagine car accidents and playground falls. I'd panic over anything and everything.

A lot of my fears weren't rational. Yes, they were things that could happen, but my level of stress about them wasn't normal.

Turns out my thyroid was waaaaay out of whack. Some therapy and some thyroid meds and things are much better.

I tend toward anxiety anyway, so I still struggle a bit, but I can tell the difference. I haven't spent hours plotting our escape in a while now.

[cubed]

All of your stories break my heart and I'm so sorry that you all are dealing with anxiety. I've never had anxiety issues, so it would be presumptuous of me to offer you advice. All I can say is my therapy has helped me immensely with other issues I've had, so I highly, highly recommend you talk to someone. It's so scary to take that first step. You worry you'll be judged, you worry that you'll sound crazy or that your concerns will be minimized. The right therapist will help you feel comfortable and give you a safe place to talk it all out and help you. Remember that their job is to HELP you. They wouldn't be in their line of work if they didn't care about their patients.

With regards to your husband, do you think it would help if you printed out the post you wrote here and showed it to him during a calm time when it's just the two of you? For my issues, XH and I would fight about them and then I realized he was defensive because he felt helpless. He realized that he couldn't "fix" it for me and that made him feel like he was failing me. So I sat down with him and said, "Here are my issues. I need to see somebody because I believe that fixing my issues require more knowledge than both you and I have. Would you support me in seeing a therapist?" Our conversations became much better after that and he even attended sessions with me and supported me instead of trying to "fix" me.

HUGE HUGS!! I'm so glad you ladies have this safe space to share and I'm so proud of you guys for being so open with your struggles. What a wonderful feeling to know you're not alone.

[shelly923]

Hey girl So sorry you're going through this. I had OCD that i had under control for the most part until I got pregnant and then gave birth. OMG. My fears were around hurting the baby It was HELL. I called my ob and all they did was give me PPD hotline number. I went to my regular dr and he exceeded all my expectations. Forced me to go to therapy which I was against and then I ended up LOVING. I went on paxil and I'm happier, more positive, don't let things bother me... It's amazing. I don't care if I'm on it the rest of my life my sister was the one who forced me to go to the dr when I told my mom I thought I would end up in a mental institution. please don't suffer needlessly.

[lululolo82]

No real advice, just wanted to say I am in a similar boat right now. I did go to the doctor and am now on medication. I am also considering therapy. You are not alone and I understand how terrible this feels. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

[dc2london]

Ditto to everything @scoutnumbers said. I didn't do anything about my anxiety for my own sake and I struggled for many years. When I realized that it was starting to impact my kid, I had to take action.

I have a Lexapro prescription from my MW. I don't think it necessarily has to be PPA related, if they have prescribing powers, they have prescribing powers. And if you go to therapy a few times and find that you don't feel comfortable sharing openly, find a new therapist. Seriously. When you find a good therapist who is the right fit for you, they will make you feel completely comfortable and you will know that it is a safe, judgment-free zone. And if the first therapist you try doesn't give you that feeling, then move on. They know that they will not be a perfect fit for every patient who comes to see them, and there will be no hard feelings if you decide to try a different route.

[jess9802]

I've dealt with anxiety for a good bit of my life. About seven years ago, it came to a head and was affecting my performance at work as well as my personal life. It was also blossoming into depression. I called my gyno and said I needed help for depression, and he saw me the next day. He discussed all of my options, but basically said that the most effective treatment for anxiety and depression is a combination of medication and cognitive behavioral therapy. He told me to stay on the medicine for at least a year to prevent the risk of relapse.

I took Lexapro and scheduled an appointment with a therapist. Within a week of starting the Lexapro, I noticed that the "tape" I had running in my head of "what if? what if? why I am so worthless/ugly/etc." had shut off and I had more energy and was sleeping better. I used it for about 10 months and then tapered off, but I stayed in therapy for four years. I still have moments where anxiety rears its head, but nothing like before, and I do feel like I have good tools for dealing with it.