Different types of single parents?

[wicked22]

At the moment I share a house with with my sister. I label myself as a full time single mom. I have my child and this next one full time everyday. I label my sister a part time single parent. She has her kids 50% of the time on a 2-2-3 schedule but to be honest by the end of the year is more like she has them 40% because her ex husband is always taking them for her when she has to work an hour late or doesn't feel good. She has gotten pissed at me because I have said she's not a full time single parent like me. When she gets mad at me I normally bite my tongue and walk away 90% of the time but I have said it when she really gets to me. Am I in the wrong for saying she not a full time single parent? I'd like to add she have never been in my position ever. Her ex husband has always been a very good involved dad to his kids and goes above and beyond from day one. I don't have that and probably never will which I deal with the best I can because that's all I can do.

Side note to explain my thought process on strictly the numbers end has nothing do how involved you are or arn't. I feel like full time single parents have there kids every day at or at the very least more than 5 days a week every week. Part time single parents have them at at most 4 days every week.

[freezorburn]

Your sister is still a single parent even on days when her kids are not with her.

You have different situations, each with their own unique challenges. Just be supportive of each other.

Why do you need to make a competition out of it?

[wicked22]

I don't make a competition out of it and I've always been supportive of her and helped as much as I could. Im a very involved aunty. Lack of support and understanding stems from her side. To her I should be able to do everything now that she does in the present, Nevermind her kids are 3 1/2 and 9, and mine is almost a year and then a newborn come February. I guess the main thing is she just gets me irritated because she always compares our very different situations and challenges as the exact same. Also I've never said or told her she's not a parent when she doesn't have her kids but she does have time away from them to do with what she wants or needs to do but preferable with out them. This is something I lack and have told her before that im envious of which of course inflates her ego then she tend to say something rude which is probably why I made the remark that I did but not in the exact words.

[becwheat]

There are different types of single parents, and the struggle can be different, but there is no reason to believe one is easier than the other.

I was an "only" parent. Someone with no co-parent involved for one reason or another. I had a lot more on my plate than some single parents when it came to being the sole financial support and physical presence. BUT I never had to deal with mediating with a co-parent, missing my child because I do not have them 50% of the time (or whatever variation), dealing with emotional issues the child may have from going back and forth... etc.. the grass may seem greener, but she is dealing with different set of issues.

She may have 50% custody, but she is 100% a single parent. Nobody wants to feel like they are 50% a mom. Even if that was not what you intended to imply, it may have hit her that way.

[freezorburn]

becwheat is wise ...

It sounds like you and your sister could work on your relationship, since you live under the same roof. I know it's easier said than done, and sibling relationships can be complicated. But maybe finding ways to show empathy to each other's unique situations, without judgment, might be a good place to start.

[becwheat]

I just wanted to make sure you know I was not judging you or anything.

My sister and I lived together for a while right after college and I remember lots of areas where we butted heads.

After DD was born we even ended up in a group therapy session because of issues pertaining to my single parenthood... so I am not naive in this dept.

It can be hard to fully grasp each other's full situation. Her to you and you to her. It is not a one sided issue. You both need to not compare, just communicate in a calm manner and remind each other that you are different and you will both need slightly different support during this journey.

[wicked22]

Thank you becwheat I did not think you were judging at all. And also thank you freezorburn.

[saltypearl]

Another only parent chiming in. Single refers to a relationship status, not so much to how frequently of infrequently you have responsibility for children.
I can't find anything in your original post that doesn't seem rude and judgmental. If I was on the receiving end of what you said I would be extremely offended.

I see in your later posts that you didn't mean it that way but it can so easily come off that way. I had a similar conversation about this with a friend who is a single parent (vs and only parent). She has 5. I have 2. We were able to acknowledge the struggles that both situations faced without coming off as uncaring.

[Deleted]

Nothing to add, but that I get a tiny bit self righteous about being an only mom, vs single mom. Im going to try to check that at the door, because of the wise posts here- I realize I sound like an ass. Parenting is not a competition. We each have our own struggles. And Im grateful to not have the baby daddy type drama and heartache, even as I am sometimes overwhelmed and could use some child support- not just monetary, but emotionally or physically as well.

[jennaleigh23]

@sherminator having a baby daddy does not necessarily equal having emotional, financial or physical support. I underwent IUIs with a sperm donor thinking how good it would feel to not have time fight for custody and not have to share holidays etc just to end up pregnant with an asshole a couple months later. He's not emotionally financially or physically supportive but I still have to parent with him and it sucks. I love my son to death but I wish he had been conceived from an IUI instead. That's easier to explain over "daddy slept through his visit with you"

After typing all this i just wanted to add everyone's struggle is different and I 100% respect your angle I just thought I'd play devils advocate.

[becwheat]

Oct 31, 2015 20:25:39 GMT -5 jennaleigh23 said:

@sherminator having a baby daddy does not necessarily equal having emotional, financial or physical support. I underwent IUIs with a sperm donor thinking how good it would feel to not have time fight for custody and not have to share holidays etc just to end up pregnant with an asshole a couple months later. He's not emotionally financially or physically supportive but I still have to parent with him and it sucks. I love my son to death but I wish he had been conceived from an IUI instead. That's easier to explain over "daddy slept through his visit with you"

After typing all this i just wanted to add everyone's struggle is different and I 100% respect your angle I just thought I'd play devils advocate.

I think your situation would go under the "baby daddy drama" mentioned by @sherminator.

I think we all know that just cause there is a "dad" present doesn't mean they are truly helping. which is why we should always remember every single parent has shit to deal with.

[Deleted]

Sept 10, 2015 15:29:22 GMT -5 becwheat said:

There are different types of single parents, and the struggle can be different, but there is no reason to believe one is easier than the other.

I was an "only" parent. Someone with no co-parent involved for one reason or another. I had a lot more on my plate than some single parents when it came to being the sole financial support and physical presence. BUT I never had to deal with mediating with a co-parent, missing my child because I do not have them 50% of the time (or whatever variation), dealing with emotional issues the child may have from going back and forth... etc.. the grass may seem greener, but she is dealing with different set of issues.

She may have 50% custody, but she is 100% a single parent. Nobody wants to feel like they are 50% a mom. Even if that was not what you intended to imply, it may have hit her that way.

I just wanted to bump this up and add that I have used the "50% custody, but 100% parent" statement often with split custody parents who are struggling with their self identity as parents. I wanted to thank you for that, its provided a great framework to see it from.