Having a rough time
Oct 26, 2015 2:32:52 GMT -5
Post by angelsnight on Oct 26, 2015 2:32:52 GMT -5
I just need to vent a bit. I went to a seminar last week about divorce to find out some answers about the whole process. I left feeling pretty shitty, I guess I kind of thought a divorce would go more in my favor (regarding the house and custody), and it was just my first time being exposed to how shitty divorce can be.
I literally go back and forth every day. Maybe we can work things out, if MH would just take his damn anti-depressents and stay on them (longest run was 2 months but even then he'd miss a dose a time or two each week) things are good and we can handle disagreements in a civilized manner.
But then I think, we've been together for 8 years, why do I think he would ever change? I honestly cannot picture him taking his meds and staying on them for any real length of time, not to mention the rest of his life.
Almost everything in a day makes me think about an impending divorce. He'll bring up something about next summer, or a long term house reno, and I'll think to myself, well that won't happen since we'll be divorced by then. I get sad about this probably being our last holiday season as a family. This year we're supposed to go to my dad's for Thanksgiving but part of me wants to go to his parents since it could be my last Thanksgiving going there.
I love his family, we're really close. I know they'll always be in my life because of DD, but of course things won't be the same. MIL and I go shopping and to lunch, and when I drop DD off I often hang out for an hour and chat. I don't necessarily think MIL would stop doing those things with me, but at least in the very beginning I think I would feel too awkward. Like hey, I'm divorcing your son, but you want to have a girls day?
I also can't help but feel guilty that I am breaking up our family. I feel bad to say this, but a divorce doesn't make me all that sad about not being with MH anymore...I think I've just been through so much with him that I'm just tired, but the idea of my daughter not seeing her dad every day, I'm just so torn up about it. I know in the long run it's better to get her out of this environment (he's just impossible to reason with most times, barely spends any time with us, and can be verbally abusive to me) but she's too young to understand. In a way I am thankful that she's young enough that it hopefully won't affect her as much, but it kills me that she won't remember us being together as a family. I just hate this so much, and it makes me so angry that keeping our family together apparently isn't worth taking a fucking pill every day.
I literally go back and forth every day. Maybe we can work things out, if MH would just take his damn anti-depressents and stay on them (longest run was 2 months but even then he'd miss a dose a time or two each week) things are good and we can handle disagreements in a civilized manner.
But then I think, we've been together for 8 years, why do I think he would ever change? I honestly cannot picture him taking his meds and staying on them for any real length of time, not to mention the rest of his life.
Almost everything in a day makes me think about an impending divorce. He'll bring up something about next summer, or a long term house reno, and I'll think to myself, well that won't happen since we'll be divorced by then. I get sad about this probably being our last holiday season as a family. This year we're supposed to go to my dad's for Thanksgiving but part of me wants to go to his parents since it could be my last Thanksgiving going there.
I love his family, we're really close. I know they'll always be in my life because of DD, but of course things won't be the same. MIL and I go shopping and to lunch, and when I drop DD off I often hang out for an hour and chat. I don't necessarily think MIL would stop doing those things with me, but at least in the very beginning I think I would feel too awkward. Like hey, I'm divorcing your son, but you want to have a girls day?
I also can't help but feel guilty that I am breaking up our family. I feel bad to say this, but a divorce doesn't make me all that sad about not being with MH anymore...I think I've just been through so much with him that I'm just tired, but the idea of my daughter not seeing her dad every day, I'm just so torn up about it. I know in the long run it's better to get her out of this environment (he's just impossible to reason with most times, barely spends any time with us, and can be verbally abusive to me) but she's too young to understand. In a way I am thankful that she's young enough that it hopefully won't affect her as much, but it kills me that she won't remember us being together as a family. I just hate this so much, and it makes me so angry that keeping our family together apparently isn't worth taking a fucking pill every day.
