gingerygirl at this point you need to inform not only his PO but inform your family of what's going on. You need the support. Also you need to have a "come to Jesus" moment and really think long and hard about what your future is going to look like.
I woke up sick as a dog, including a sore throat, ears & muscle aches. I go to work, and its super busy, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to write up an officer for a pretty serious offense that will probably get him fired. Then when I'm ready to go home, I go to use the bathroom and realize I've gotten my first PP period. Super. That explains the sickness-that and the freakishly warm weather we're having (whenever I catch a cold or virus, its ALWAYS around my period. My immune system takes a nose-dive). I also realized I forgot to take my zoloft. Then I ran into a shit ton of traffic on the drive homee (people, learn to fucking MERGE PROPERLY)
I took a nice warm bath, which just resulted in me freezing when I got out. Then I inserted a menstrual cup & forgot to trim the tip, so its poking me but I don't feel like taking it out and re-inserting it (I'm definitely out of practice).
I'm taking some aka-seltzer, and then after the husband goes to bed, I'm having a damn glass of wine.
And I get to do this again tomorrow! With more bleeding!
He's never been physically violent. He will yell if he's mad but I've never seen physical violence from him. I hope he never becomes that way but I know how unpredictable drugs can make a person.
With the caveat that I have 11 years of law enforcement experience, with many of it dealing with domestic violence situations.
1. The victims that end up dead/seriously hurt usually start out with the "but he's never been physically violent". That's because they weren't.....until they were. Abusers are very charming/loveable, except when they aren't. It's how they trap their victims. An abuser that's an asshole off the bat won't get very far.
2. The dynamic of domestic violence is such that the physical violence will ALWAYS escalate over time. It never decreases. Never. It may take years, but there is really only one end result if the partner does not leave the relationship.
3. The purpose of physical violence is control over the other partner, which is the only goal in domestic violence. Control. If he's preventing you from talking to family & friends, a therapist, your doctor, etc...this should be a huge warning sign. If he's threatening to take children from you or to accuse you of a crime to get in trouble or call your employer, etc...even though he's never been physically violent towards you...this is still ABUSE.
4. The number one cause of homicide in women is domestic violence.
5. Being a victim of domestic violence or being an abusive relationship can happen to ANYONE. Students, nurses, cops, lawyers, doctors, actors, gay people, straight people, men, women, etc.
Also, with the caveat that I'm the wife of a recovering alcoholic who recently relapsed.....
It doesn't matter whether or not you actually know he's using or not. It's enough that you suspect it, because if you suspect it then it means he is behaving like an active addict and its the BEHAVIOR that is the real problem. Whether you "prove" that he was using is pointless. I used to drive myself CRAZY trying to find where my husband hid the booze (he has a thing for alcohol pint bottles) when I was convinced he was drinking again. The thing about alcoholics and addicts is they are very good fucking liars when they are active in their drug of choice and will manipulate the truth such that you'll think you're crazy and feel guilty for accusing them of using. This most recent time my husband relapsed (just over a week ago), he even tried to accuse ME of drinking the leftover beer his dad left behind when he knew damn well he drank it. It was a tactic to divert attention from the fact he was roaring drunk.
If it looks like a ducks, quacks like a duck, and acts like a duck...he's probably using. Trust your gut that you know your husband enough to know when he is not sober.
My husband had been sober for two years before he relapsed the first time (he went to rehab and did awesome going to AA meetings regularly) and was sober for another 2 years before this most recent relapse (after he stopped going to AA meetings when we moved). I knew something was wrong when he couldn't complete the most basic tasks without falling over or having to take extra time to do it. Then I caught him completely passed out on the couch on our baby cam and couldn't get him to wake up by calling him (I was at work). I had to have a neighbor pound on the door until he "woke up". He was watching Liam alone. That was it. It didn't matter if I found the booze or not, or if he wasn't even drinking (maybe it was meds). His behavior was the real problem. So I calmly confronted him at home without the expectation that he would confess or change. I simply told him that I didn't know if he was drinking again or not, but that I knew that he was not acting sober at all, and that he completely lost my trust and cannot watch Liam alone again. He denied it first, but then later confessed he relapsed and showed me (1) the vodka bottle (he may have had more). He called his sponsor too.
The thing is, I was fully prepared to have him deny it and for me & Liam to leave. I can't make an addict/alcoholic do anything, but I can control what happens to me and Liam. I am so grateful that he recognized his behavior and called his sponsor to come help him detox. He still hasn't gone to a local AA meeting here, but its not my problem. I can remind him that meetings are key to his continued sobriety, but he has to make that choice. I will be angry and sad if I have to end the relationship because he can't stop drinking, but I know I can and will do it. Thankfully, its never come close to that.
P.S. My husband has never been an *abusive* alcoholic. If that were the case, I would have left years ago. He's just a non-functional drunk. Once he takes a drink, he literally can't stop. He will go into physical withdrawal, which can be fatal. His sponsor, his wife and me had to watch him the entire weekend to make sure he didn't go into seizures (the detox centers were closed on weekends, the only alternative was an ER, and he was adamant about not going--again can't make a horse drink water).
TLDR: It doesn't matter whether you know he's using again or not. He's acting like an active addict, and that's not healthy regardless the cause.
gingerygirl I'm so sorry your going through this. Keep in mind that a husband isn't supposed to keep you up at night because your afraid for yourself, or your future. He's supposed to keep you up because he wants to make love to you after a MOT feeding. A good husband doesn't ditch his wife at any place - regardless of what the wife has done... He makes it clear he is always going to be there for her and his family. the possibility of drugs, manipulation, and violence aside if he's not doing these things for you, he needs to get out of your life.... And especially your sons life, if he's going to be a negative influence on him. Do yourself a favor and make sure you have no tolerance for any sort of abuse. We're here for you.
girlonabike I just want to give you a big hug. That's some heavy stuff to deal with (and I'm not talking about your period... Ugh - lame joke, I couldn't resist). But really, I'm glad your H has come clean and taken steps to get back on the right path. Also, you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders and are doing a great job handling the situation.
gingerygirl I hope you're still doing OK. You're an amazing woman and mom. Like runningmommy519 said, we deeply care about you, and this is coming from that place.
I think we're all worried for you and talking about physical safety here because his behavior is already so controlling and over the top and erratic, suggesting substance abuse. He's cutting you off from your support system. Financial resources. The world. He belittled you. After you buckled your sweet baby in the car, he locked the car (your car) and drove away for an hour. (An hour!) He embarrassed you. He took advantage of his position of power (having the car) and used it against you, to hurt you, just like he's been doing with having the money. He took away your power. He took away your baby. You didn't know where your baby was. He showed no respect for you, as a wife, a mother, and a person. He jeapordized your safety, for that hour. He put you in a vulnerable and exposed position. He was physically, and in every sense, more powerful than you because he had the car and the money and the baby, and you had nothing.
This all must be extremely hard to hear. But all of that is what makes me worried, I think, that makes us all worried. Why you need to stay safe and keep your sweet boy safe. Everyone has given such great advice. I think making sure your BIL is there tomorrow is a great idea.
Maybe it would be good to talk to someone about all of this an an action plan?
National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Regarding the Etsy convo. Would this board maybe be interested in doing our own holiday shop? Maybe we don't want to share that info with all of TCF or we don't have Etsy but we have things we make and could sell.
IDK, it's just a thought. bibliothecary come out, come out wherever you are and let me know if this is against the rules.
Do the thing. I can set up a private board, if you guys want.
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