WDYT? Hitting Back

[tmclawchick]

DS was sent home with a note in his backpack informing me that he was part of 2 instances today. In the first scenario, a kid pushed him so he hit the kid. In the next scenario, another child was pointing his finger at DS, so DS hit him. Ugh. 

I've sent DS to his room and am stunned and appalled at how he handled each situation. I called DH to let him know and figure out an appropriate punishment. Of course, (in true lawyer fashion I suppose) DH feels that in the first scenario hitting back was justified because the other kid started it. In the second situation he argues that if a kid was pointing to DS he was likely saying something aggressive, and thus, he doesn't think we should punish DS for either instance.  We just had a huge argument about it. On one hand I understand the importance of being able to stick up for yourself, but at the same time I feel like the classroom rules trump this. And at 5 years old, DS needs to understand the importance of following the rules (something that DH seems to strongly disagree with).

What say you?

[runningmommy519]

Hitting back is never ok even if provoked.

If two guys get into a fight at a bar don't both people get punished?

[abvintage]

Here's my take. At that age they need to let an adult know. If he was perpetually being bullied (the shoving stuff) I think there is a point where you just say hit the little shit back, but not until it's a real issue.

In the finger pointing just no. He might have been saying mean thing but that's somewhere the school needs to intervene. If he's being bullied physically or emotionally, talk with the school. If nothing comes of it go in and raise hell. In general though bullying and someone being a shithead are different.

[pmcd886]

I think the best way to help him would be to talk about ways he could have/can solve problems. When I was teaching kindergarten I used Kelso the Frog and the ways he solves problems. Also, talk about when to find an adult to help, like when someone hits.

[abvintage]

Nov 6, 2015 18:14:33 GMT -5 runningmommy519 said:

Hitting back is never ok even if provoked.

If two guys get into a fight at a bar don't both people get punished?

I agree 95% of the time but as someone who was really bullied as a kid and the school did nothing my Mom finally got to the point where she told me if they do it again hit them back. By that pointed I was so insecure it never happened, but my mom dud end up with a child who had situational depression and always says she wishes she would have told me to fight back sooner.

[tmclawchick]

All good responses, keep them coming. I'm interested to hear as many opinions as possible!

[ajetter]

I would agree that 95% of the time, hitting back is never ok. What if he had hit a younger child? One would argue that the older child 'should know better' and not hit back. So I feel it is best to be consistent and just say hitting is not acceptable, and instead discuss what other option would be a better choice like PPs suggested.

[kaeguri]

Until he's old enough to learn the distinction between when it's OK to fight back or not, I think going to the responsible adult is for the best. That's what I was encouraged to do til I was about 6 or 7. After that, my dad told me if I was big enough to fight back, then I was big enough to deal with the consequences of it. And he made sure I understood what those consequences were.

[ady45]

Nov 6, 2015 18:15:12 GMT -5 abvintage said:

Here's my take. At that age they need to let an adult know. If he was perpetually being bullied (the shoving stuff) I think there is a point where you just say hit the little shit back, but not until it's a real issue.

In the finger pointing just no. He might have been saying mean thing but that's somewhere the school needs to intervene. If he's being bullied physically or emotionally, talk with the school. If nothing comes of it go in and raise hell. In general though bullying and someone being a shithead are different.

I 100 % agree.

[motownthrowdown]

Incident 1: If he was older or this had been happening all the time, I'd say slug away. Since he's only 5, I'd say find an adult. Classroom rules are important to follow.

Incident 2: not ok, no matter what was said. Fight words with words and find an adult.

[Laverne]

Hope you can get h on board with some sort of consequence. What action was takin at school?

[skinandbones]

Nov 6, 2015 18:15:12 GMT -5 abvintage said:

Here's my take. At that age they need to let an adult know. If he was perpetually being bullied (the shoving stuff) I think there is a point where you just say hit the little shit back, but not until it's a real issue.

In the finger pointing just no. He might have been saying mean thing but that's somewhere the school needs to intervene. If he's being bullied physically or emotionally, talk with the school. If nothing comes of it go in and raise hell. In general though bullying and someone being a shithead are different.

This.

[anaberry]

In neither situation is this Ok.
ivnever really actually stated this in TCF, but I am the principal of an elementary school.
You'll never imagine the amount of times lawyer parents try to justify their kids actions, and when we stick to our rule book threaten to sew. Luckily the court has always ruled in our favor. Anyway, please tell your husband not to become one of those parents.
Anyway, situation 1. I've seen so many incidents escalate because someone faught back. Sometimes parents are happy the child did this, but think about the risk you're exposing your little one to if you foment this behavior. If a kid pushes or hurts first, this child is already demonstrating he has an inclination or perhaps more experience with aggression. If your child fights back, the other kid could (and mr often than not) come back harder. Unless your kid knows how to end the fight right there (which is also not a good thing because he could really hurt the other kid) please teach him different ways to diffuse the situation.

Situation 3. Just no. Verbal aggression does not merit physical aggression back. He needs to learn this quickly. As parents, the best you can do is teach him ways to neutralize these scenarios in non violent ways.

In my 10 years in education, I've actually never seen a scenario where violence was justified. If there is a bullying issue, the best way to combat it is good communication of the victim with either parents, or teachers. I understand physical aggression more in these circumstances, yes, but usually it just escalates to a far more dangerous scenario.

Good luck talking with your boy!

[girlonabike]

What anaberry said.

Fighting back usually just leads to a fight.

[stahlop]

Never hit back. At this age, telling an adult of the best solution. Even when you're older talking instead of fighting back is better because the other person will get in trouble.

And definitely no to hitting due to pointing. Pointing does not mean he was talking aggressively. My BFF makes fun of me all the time because I point when I talk. I just get really animated.