TTCAL Check-In 11/17

[peaseblossom55]

Nov 18, 2015 17:38:23 GMT -5 littlelion said:

peaseblossom55 saw you're having a rough day. Hugs. And encouragement.

Thank you!

[elebishi]

This is my first TTCAL check-in. Sorry I'm a bit late, but I've lurked and would just like to say I admire the support given in this thread. I have no clue how to tag, so I'd just like to give a big round of hugs to everybody.

Loss History: One loss - a blighted ovum diagnosed July 1st. I had been spotting since mid-June, so I had an inkling something wasn't quite right, but it still stung to see an empty sac on the ultrasound screen. Because I had been spotting, I decided to wait for my body to miscarry naturally. I figured it kind of had a clue as to what was up (aka spotting), so the miscarriage wouldn't take too long to happen. Well, after many days of increased spotting/sometimes bleeding/sometimes cramping and bleeding/sometimes nothing...the miscarriage was finally "complete" on July 30th. It was a LONG month. My doctor even said it was a very "atypical", drawn out way for things to happen. Ugh.

How are you doing? Pretty well.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: I've got nothing.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I have to agree with kayladawn91 about getting sadder the further out I get from the loss. I don't know if it's because winter is approaching and my EDD was in February, or because I was so emotionally focused on the physical aspects of the miscarrying process when it was happening that I'm just now allowing myself to grieve the actual loss itself.

GTKY: Have you been able to use your experience with loss to help anyone cope with their own losses? Unfortunately, no. Not yet. I'm kind of private about the loss, so that conversation hasn't really had a reason to happen with most people. However, if somebody confided in me about a loss, I don't think I'd have a problem opening up about mine.

[notagoddess]

Hi elebishi, welcome to the check-in. I'm so sorry about your loss. The process must have been especially difficult with how long it took your body to complete the miscarriage, plus the anxiety of the previous spotting. It makes sense that you were very focused on the physical process and only now are feeling the full emotional impact.

I know kayladawn91 also experienced a blighted ovum and a long miscarriage process, so I'm tagging her to connect you two.

[vancitygirl]

littlelion big hugs for you!!! I'm sorry you are going through this. 


How are you doing? Umm..I don't know. I want to say that I"m ok and believe it but I'm not sure. 

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): nothing

Updates/questions: what did you guys do on your EDD? Mine is on Friday and I'm wondering if I want to take the day off work and just ...I don't know. Is it dwelling and is that bad? Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy if I give myself the day to be an emotional wreck? 

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Sort of teetering on the edge of wanting to give up on the whole TTC process. I know it's only been 10 months total (7after the loss), but I got pregnant immediately the first time and this wait now makes me wonder if something is wrong with me or if I just maybe don't have it in me to keep engaging this emotionally destructive cycle of hope and disappointment and anger and resentment. 

GTKY: Have you been able to use your experience with loss to help anyone cope with their own losses?
I've had a few people tell me about their losses but I honestly don't think I'm so helpful. I have lately had lots of conversations with a couple of newly-pregnant people about how scary it can be and what to do to ease the worry. I thought I wouldn't be able to talk to them without feeling anger and envy---but somehow I did it. 

[kayladawn91]

elebishi welcome to this check-in. I am so sorry for your loss and am sending so many hugs to you. I found out about my blighted ovum in November of last year (just before thanksgiving) at which point I should have been about 9 weeks. I waited to miscarry which didn't end up happening until the end of January. So I understand that waiting feeling and how it can mess with your emotions.

I agree with notagoddess that the physical process may have had you holding off on feeling the emotional impact so it makes sense that you're just now really grieving. I'm glad you found the check-in and I hope you find it to be a place of support as you navigate TTCAL.

[kayladawn91]

vancitygirl I know everyone will have different answers for you, but I personally found it easier to be busy on my EDD. Mine was in the summer so I wasn't working but I left all of my grocery shopping, nail appt, laundry, etc. for that day so I could keep busy. But I also think it's perfectly acceptable if you want to just take the day off to cry and grieve. I'm sending you so many hugs and will be thinking of you on Friday.

[doodler]

elebishi I'm sorry that you are here and for your loss. My MMC was in September so just a few months behind you and I understand what you are saying about the delayed processing of the emotional pain. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Mine comes in waves of good and bad and I think is also going to be tied to TTC. Like vancitygirl, some days the TTC rollercoaster of emotions feels like too much for me to handle. ((hugs)) ladies.

[mosdub]

vancitygirl I also teetered on whether or not to take the EDD off. I considered planning a day trip with H to a nearby town and go for a hike but resolved to just go to work. My EDD was at the beginning of the school year and I would have had to duck out of all-day meetings. My day went alright. For me the anticipation leading up to the day was worse. Hang in there and do what you need to. If you drive to work and can do it - do it. If you drive to work and think "nope" then call in and take the day

[wannabmama]

elebishi I'm sorry you are here but welcome. These women are amazing.

[mosdub]

elebishi welcome, though of course wish none of us had to be here. I hope you get support through this group and that your stay will be short!

[elebishi]

Thank you all for the kind words. It's nice to have a place to vent where people understand.

kayladawn91 I'm so sorry for your loss. Waiting to miscarry is terrible enough, much less to wait for weeks and weeks. Hugs as you come upon this Thanksgiving and Christmas season.

vancitygirl Though i'm only on cycle 3, I get where you're coming from about giving up. I can't help but think something might be wrong with me after the loss. I know that's silly, but the thought is scary and i'd rather stop on my own terms. TTC is such a rollercoaster. Big hugs as Friday approaches.

[LadyNymeria]

elebishi - Welcome and sorry again for your loss. I wish you didn't have to be here, but everyone on this check-in is so wonderfully supportive and I'm unbelievably thankful to have this group to come to. I understand how you're feeling with getting more emotional as you get away from your loss. For me, I think it's because all I want right now is to be pregnant again, so every day/week/etc that I get further from my loss is another day/week/etc that I'm not pregnant again. Hopefully you'll hit a point soon where instead of getting sadder as time passes, time helps you heal more. I know that's what I'm hoping for.

vancitygirl - I replied quickly in yesterday's TWW thread but I would probably consider taking the day off and trying to do something nice for yourself. For me, on bad AL days, work is not enough of a distraction for me and it ends up with me almost crying at my desk. Because of that I would prefer to not be at work, and would spend the day doing things for myself - mani/pedi, massage, buy myself a gift, something... But if you think work might be a welcome distraction, maybe you're better off going in. Many hugs to you.

[hydrangea1019]

elebishi I'd like to say welcome, but I'm sorry you find yourself here. The ladies in here are very supportive and they 'get it'. They know what you're talking about when you're having a rough time. Id say leading up to our EDD, especially as it got closer, my anxiety and sadness ramped up. I hope you can find ways to cope through it and get support from family. Sending you ((hugs)).

vancitygirl I had planned to take our EDD off of work but ultimately decided against it. I didn't want to dwell and be sad all day. So I ended up at work. I broke down once I got home and I did mourn and grieve that night, but for me at least, I'm glad I didn't do that all day long. You do what you need. If you get to work decide it's too much, call in and go home. Take care of you.

[notagoddess]

Nov 19, 2015 8:22:40 GMT -5 mosdub said:

vancitygirl I also teetered on whether or not to take the EDD off. I considered planning a day trip with H to a nearby town and go for a hike but resolved to just go to work. My EDD was at the beginning of the school year and I would have had to duck out of all-day meetings. My day went alright. For me the anticipation leading up to the day was worse. Hang in there and do what you need to. If you drive to work and can do it - do it. If you drive to work and think "nope" then call in and take the day

vancitygirl, this was the case for me too. I cried a lot and had this terrible anticipation leading up to the date. I knew if I stayed home, I would just weep all day, so I didn't take the day off and instead tried to stay as busy as possible. It's definitely a personal decision, but if you do take the day off work, I would recommend having plans. Get a manicure, go on a hike, whatever you do that's positive and taking care of yourself.

Also big hugs about feeling like you can't keep doing this. I get those feelings sometimes too. They are overwhelming and awful but they pass and I want to continue to try. I don't have any advice, but you're not alone in feeling that way.

[vancitygirl]

I wanted to say thank you so much to all of you who sent all the love my way yesterday. You guys are amazing and thank you for being so sympathetic and understanding--I really needed that.