Relationships and babies

[musicalsilver]

I voted for the first option. I wouldn't say that we barely noticed a change, but it was never really *rocky*. It was certainly difficult at times, and has definitely led to a lot more disagreements, but it was a *huge* change in our lives, and I didn't expect it to go seamlessly.

[huckleberry08]

I picked the second choice but it is still an evolving situation. Each new phase is bringing different challenges. We both lost some of ourselves as we figured out how to parent and we are working hard to be sure the other person is included as we construct those new identities. I don't know if that makes sense.

[majwv8]

Jan 30, 2015 11:39:29 GMT -5 musicalsilver said:

I voted for the first option. I wouldn't say that we barely noticed a change, but it was never really *rocky*. It was certainly difficult at times, and has definitely led to a lot more disagreements, but it was a *huge* change in our lives, and I didn't expect it to go seamlessly.

this. 

[michelin82]

I picked the second option, even though I wouldn't call it rocky. There's never been a moment where we've questioned our relationship. It just got a bit harder do, well, EVERYTHING! From finding time for just us, to getting chores done, things just got much more difficult - and we had to navigate through that change to find the new norm.

[momofcatan]

I picked rocky, but there have always been rocky patches even before DD. Overall I'm feeling pretty good about where we are. We hit a rough patch every once in a while but seem to bounce back and make the needed changes to our attitudes/practices.

[daffy2k]

It was pretty rocky for a while. Not trying to point fingers here,I definitely did play my part, but my H also really didn't make an effort to prepare for having a baby when we were expecting Madeline. He wouldn't read anything, he would slough off the conversations I tried to have with him about the way things would change, just telling me that he'd figure it out. I knew that it wouldn't be that easy for him and it wasn't. He is a very selfish person. Kind at heart, but he needs the focus to be on him, my attention to be on him. Because he wasn't willing to discuss it or acknowledge the changes that would happen ahead of time, it hit him really hard. He was resentful and ended up going out, a lot. I was left at home caring for a newborn while he was out with his friends which made me resentful. Around 6 months we finally had a really good talk(we had talked/fought about it before, but never with any change) and we started to slowly see a change. Lack of sex continues to be a hot topic for us (not right now, pregnancy helps my drive, but from the time I had M until the time I got pregnant I had to really push myself to do it) and we have to make an extra effort to do stuff together, without kids. That last part has been hard to schedule in lately due to H's crazy and unpredictable work schedule. I've had to cancel plans and sitters 3 times in the last month because he hasn't been able to get away from work. I told him last night that until things settle down at work hes going to have to actually book a specific day or two off every month and I will get a sitter and plan a date night, just so we actually do it. It really helps keep us grounded.

[ordinaryme]

The first 6 months after we brought E home was HARD. We were always arguing and we were not on the same page at all. We sat down a few times together and put all our feelings out there. We started to get better and have been improving since. We still have our moments, but I'm glad we came out of it stronger and with a better understanding of each other.

[nursemommy13]

Bahahahaha..... Nope!

But I'm happier now anyways, so it was obviously for the best.

[daffy2k]

I should add too, that I sometimes feel really resentful of DH's ability to just pick up and go whenever/wherever. I'm always having to deal with the baby-now-toddler and all the stuff that comes with her. It's shitty of me, because most of the time he is going to work, but he sometimes seems so carefree. I've had to adjust my expectations of him coming home and taking over for me since that isn't realistic to expect of someone working 7 days a week. I've now made an arrangement with my mom to take Madeline for a sleepover once a month. This is my way of scheduling myself a day off, since I have no guarantee of when DH will be home to help. I'm a little ashamed of how much I look forward to that night/day off, but it keeps me sane and keeps me from resenting DH (especially since he's working too, it's not like he's galavanting around with his friends). We made the decision for me to SAH together, but it was always something I wanted to do. I just didn't realize how hard it would be some days either. megsw85 and rjnbsmommie are my heroes, because l really don't know if I could cut it as a SAHM without my H coming home and doing bathtime most nights, and my mom giving me that time off every so often.

[megaroo64]

I would say it is actually somewhere between the first two options when we added B (the big one) - we definitely noticed a change, but I wouldn't call what we went through "rocky". Though H and I are both naturally pretty laid back people and though we had some growing pains when we added B - most of it was petty and really was not a big deal. A When we added N - I can honestly say it was no big deal and had virtually no impact on our relationship.

[kh59]

I picked the first option, but "haven't noticed a change" really doesn't fit. I don't want this to sound obnoxious, but I really feel like our marriage has changed for the better. There's no doubt that adding a baby to our family has been challenging and brought about tons of new issues, but I feel like the vast majority of the changes have brought us closer. I feel really lucky to have a partner that was ecstatic from the moment of the BFP to jump into parenting with both feet, and he's really awesome about wanting to solve problems together. Communication has been at an all-time high, and it's made all the challenges feel like a team effort. My friendships and relationship with my mother, on the other hand, may be another story for another day...

[ciahanna]

I picked the second option. We've always fought but it was usually about lack of sex. He wanted it and I could care less. I got a wakeup call last summer when he admitted to cheating with our old apt manager while I was at work. He only told me because she threatened to come tell me at our house last summer.He cheated two years before Gia was born and I actually believe him that he hasn't since. I told him he ever does it again that I take Gia and we're gone. He agreed and said he'd never fight me on it and I agreed to make an effort with sex. So far so good.
Now we fight over money and sleep. Actually mostly just sleep. Oh and who does more. I'm really trying,but sometimes I just get in a lazy rut. I hate admitting that

[skk]

I picked the second option. The sleep deprivation really hit us hard and would cause a lot of arguments. We've gotten into the groove of things for the most part, but I notice we still argue more when there are sleep regressions.

[vasc]

I voted delicate balance, but not because we are on the verge of divorce or anything. The first year after DD was born brought all the same challenges everyone else already described, followed by stressing year two over moving, buying a house, new jobs, daycare, and changing financial situations. And then there's always never enough sex.

[peachey]

Jan 30, 2015 14:02:09 GMT -5 skk said:

I picked the second option. The sleep deprivation really hit us hard and would cause a lot of arguments. We've gotten into the groove of things for the most part, but I notice we still argue more when there are sleep regressions.

Yep!

Plus DH felt like he was doing "all" the house work. I would have to list the things I accomplished each day to remind him that the laundry fairy hadn't shown up or that the house didn't dust itslef etc. He did do most of the cooking and dishes so in his mind he was doing it all.... I would usually and with "oh and kept your baby alive all day"

Passive agressive party of 1.

[lioness13]

I picked delicate balance because nothing else fit. I'm not sure what that means and can't change it. I don't think we ever had a real rocky patch but things have changed A LOT. Plus my DH has been in grad school while working full-time. That combined with a new baby has been hard. Overall he has been pretty good about partnering with me to parent but it has been hard for us to connect intimately and romantically as a couple as much as I would like. Sometimes I feel like we are more like business partners. This May will make 14 years together so I assume some of this is natural in long-term relationships. I have been thinking about us going to counseling to help. DH is starting a PhD program in the fall so I think it would help us to get a better handle on our relationship now because that will change things too.

[workinit]

Well.... I have a story about the past year but I'm not sure I will type it out here. A few girls had reached out here and I thank you tremendously for doing so. The main reason for not sharing is only because I feel like too many opinions good or bad might have confused my thinking and reacting. I wanted to react my own way and that would have been hard for me with too many thoughts to process. I voted we went to therapy. We are doing much better now but we still have our moments. I think we've figured out how to handle each other better and know what presses each others buttons.

[colieann31]

I voted #2. You all know where my relationship was at this time last year. I honestly didn't think we would make it but we did. Alex had grown up a lot and has accepted what his role is. We are much stronger now and I feel great about where our relationship is at. Now we are in a no sex rut but that's my issue and I'm working on it. Alex has been really patient with me.

And I really have to thank all of you ladies. I Don't know how I would have gotten through that time without the support I had from you guys.

[dmlk413]

I voted delicate balance. Parenthood and DH's job together have caused a lot of issues. We're okay now but I think another kid would kill our relationship.

[thetamedshrew]

Delicate balance. It has been a very difficult year for us due to our mothers both having cancer, and me losing my mom 6 months ago. So yeah, I think our struggles have much more to do with that at this point, and having a baby just added to the stress. We were only married 4 months before we got pregnant, so we didn't get to be married and childless for any time at all.

My last 4 years: dating. engaged. wedding. move in together. get pregnant. have a baby. my mom is diagnosed. my mom passes away. his mom is diagnosed.

All of these things happened within months of each other. I just want to have a year where we can just settle and recover and get back to enjoying marriage and our life together.

[stilettoleto]

I picked the second...it was definitely a struggle, and some days still is, but we made it through. I think it was a blessing in disguise that the first week little man was home it was just me and H due to me being late. I think having in laws there from either side would have made it 100 times harder (UO?) because of feelings.

[islandgirl14]

Yes but it was rocky. I struggled with PPD that lasted entirely too long; way past the post-partum stage, and I ended up going to therapy on my own to help myself (which did completely help)...So truly I think my PPD issues is what caused turmoil for a while. Yes having the baby was an adjustment, but it's not what specifically made things difficult I don't think. Now things are great, but they were tough for a while!

[cl8badb]

Weve always had our ups and downs. I think having J has brought us closer together. We still argue but its never over anything really serious.

[LaBellaVida]

Being pregnant with ds2, and after having him it was rocky. I Def. Questioned being married to him. We eventually got through it. Then, I was on the verge of divorce right before getting pregnant with Owen. Some crazy shit happened, unfortunately. ... But he got him self some help and things were great! I fell so deep in love with him again. This year has been a huge struggle, on my part. I've gone through a ton of changes, and I've resentment towards him, even though it's not his fault. It's my issues this time. Getting pregnant unexpectedly was the topping of it all. It wasn't what I wanted, but abortion isn't an option for us. I had a very rough pregnancy, emotionally. So yeah we've had problems this year too, but now that Liam is in our life, I couldn't be happier. I feel bad and regret having those feelings during pregnancy.
We are only 7 days into this new chapter, so hopefully it'll just get better. I really need to work through my own issues though.

[sympkin]

Jan 30, 2015 11:59:48 GMT -5 mcbush said:

Jan 30, 2015 11:52:52 GMT -5 michelin82 said:

I picked the second option, even though I wouldn't call it rocky. There's never been a moment where we've questioned our relationship. It just got a bit harder do, well, EVERYTHING! From finding time for just us, to getting chores done, things just got much more difficult - and we had to navigate through that change to find the new norm.

I think that's totally normal. And it all depends on how you adjust/adapt/communicate during it all.

I shut down emotionally. I went to a therapist personally and was told I didn't have ppd but situational depression. It caused a lot of resentment in my relationship (I was losing my mom, and my H got to keep his mom AND she got to spend a ton of time with L). I didn't adjust well. It's taken a lot of work, and it's on going. If I weren't pregnant now and struggling with new challenges, id have voted 2nd option as well.

We've been through losing a parent (early) too and I can't imagine combining that stress while adjusting to a new baby. Nearly a decade later the spouse still benefits from being able to talk to a professional about his feelings with his mom. It is hard, be patient with yourself as well.

[sympkin]

I certainly think that having a kid will exploit any weaknesses in you have in a relationship. To paraphrase Carlin, pet peeves are major psychotic fucking hatreds.

And it certainly exploited ours, add in some PPD and some family issues, some job stress, and we were in a freaking dark place... but it did get better. A year and a half out or so I do think we are better off for it, but it was tough and I definitely understand all those surveys that show kids decrease marital happiness.

[cynthia2007]

Delicate balance. We've had our good and bad moments. A lot of it has been my resentment towards him for not being as involved as I am and not helping. I think he takes for granted how much I do, am breadwinner, come home clean, cook, laundry etc while he sits in his chair and does nothing. When A wasn't STTN months ago and he didn't help, I had my breaking point and we had to have a hard talk.

We're in a much better place now and he is so much more helpful not necessarily with A but with the other house things like just cleaning up dishes after we eat. Those little actions mean a lot to me. We used to fight a lot about sex but I didn't give him any bc he didn't deserve it and I was tired. Now he knows the more helpful he is, the more action he gets. Sometimes I'm not in the mood but if it keeps him helping, then so be it.

[lingeringwithcoffee]

I picked the second option. I had a lot of resentment towards DH because of all I "had to do" around the house and feeling like he didn't pull his weight after DD was born. Honestly, though, I am a major control freak and just sometimes didn't/won't let people help me. When I let DH step up with DD and around the house, and had the ILs to help out by babysitting so we could go on a date every once in awhile, our relationship began to improve tremendously.

[lizzybizzy]

I put yes but rocky. I think we could benefit from some counseling to help with our communication.

[callmeKD]

Jan 30, 2015 11:52:52 GMT -5 michelin82 said:

I picked the second option, even though I wouldn't call it rocky. There's never been a moment where we've questioned our relationship. It just got a bit harder do, well, EVERYTHING! From finding time for just us, to getting chores done, things just got much more difficult - and we had to navigate through that change to find the new norm.

This exactly. And raising a toddler is much harder then when she was a baby. We've made it a priority to nurture our relationship.