Custody of LO if you both die

[motownthrowdown]

Since it's Monday and unlikely to get much happier, I have a morbid question for everyone. If both you and your partner die at the same time, who will get custody of your LO(s)? Also, do you have a will set up?

[motownthrowdown]

My in laws got their will written by a lawyer, but I don't know if you HAVE to use one or not either. Maybe tmclawchick can answer that?

[kaeguri]

Oh lord. This already caused a fight in my family. Both H and I agreed we didn't want to ask our parents. My parents would raise her in the religion I was raised in, and I don't want E to be raised like I was. My mother is very... forceful and if E should choose a different lifestyle, as I did, all hell would break loose. And H didn't want to ask his parents, because his dad lives alone and he feels like his mom did enough raising 4 kids by herself. So we asked my best friend to, as she has the same values as us. My mom asked me, like the day after E was born, if we had a will yet to give my mom custody. After I told her we were giving custody to my friend, who my parents know very well, my mom flipped her shit. Crazy shit.

[incir]

My husband's brother would get custody of both boys. We get custody of their son if something were to happen to them. We chose because he and his wife are good people who already love the boys and would be able to raise them well. Plus, they live in the same geographic area so the boys could keep seeing friends and they are the same religion (neither of these is true of my brother despite him meeting our first set of criteria).

We got a will when DS1 was about a year. We used a lawyer and it was easy that way. You don't technically need one, but it's very helpful especially if there will be some monetary assets like life insurance or savings that you want to be sure get passed on in a particular way. Our assets go into a trust for the boys and we also had to appoint trustees to disperse the money. The attorney recommended someone other than the guardian who could be a sort of checks and balance system. Not that we don't trust my BIL but it made sense to be cautious. We named DH's best friend who works in finance. Not a fun topic, but very important.

[mara005]

We have no wills but since DH is an only child and I only have one sibling its always been known that our children would go to my sister.

[skinandbones]

DH and I can't agree. My brother makes the most sense BUT he's going back to school and still lives with my parents. We both agree that my parents would raise the boys more according to our values but DH is worried about offending his parents (apparently just NOT telling them isn't an option). Similarly to kaeguri, we are sure they would raise them in the religion which he grew up which neither of us agree with. I don't think they would be trying to go against our wishes but just do it without a thought. In fact, I think the whole religion thing is going to cause WWIII but that's a topic for another thread.

[joi922]

We have not been able to decide on this in the 2 years since J was born. Our siblings are all bad choices for different reasons (religion, location, and flakiness, respectively). My MIL watches the kids regularly now, but she's already 65 and FIL is 70. We don't think it would be right to ask them (plus she's a hoarder and their home is unsafe). My parents are younger, but are planning to split their time about 50/50 between VA and FL once they retire so that doesn't really work. We would ask a friend, but feel like it would be better to stay with family. We really need to decide now that we have 2 LOs, though. It's hard.

[arimaythea]

DH and I should probably talk about this - thanks for the convo starter!

At the current moment, I would want my parents to take him. Both sets of parents are equally capable, but with my mom working as my nanny right now, I feel like she would know him much better and be better suited to care for him.

Perhaps eventually we'd switch this to either DH's brother or my sister, but both of them are just finishing up college and getting jobs and figuring out life, neither in relationships or with children. If one of them settles down locally and starts a family, they would likely be the better choice for custody due to age/stage of life.

[motownthrowdown]

I just asked my best friend if she would want to take A if we both died. DH's parents are kind of old to be dealing with her, plus we don't agree with how they raised dh. My mom is a no for too many reasons to get into lol. So my best friend is the next choice. She's a nurse practitioner, which is nice on several points, given A's medical history. We've been friends since high school, we were in each other's weddings. She's the one I would surrogate for in a second if anyone would let me. The only downside with her is that her husband is a philosophy doctorate and gets offered these unbelievably awesome teaching deals all over the country so they move all over.

[lawndog1216]

We need a formal and legal document, but they'd go to my brother-in-law and his wife (they're also the godparents). They have 4 kids already, they adore our two, and they're the only people that make sense. Our parents are all too old (70s). My sister would be excellent, but she's also too old (56) to be saddled with starting over; my niece and nephew are 26 and 24. My niece would be an awesome choice if she got married in the next year or two, but my choosing my BIL and his family, the girls would stay in their home state close to friends and family.

Honestly, our poor kids are fucked if we both die. Neither of us have a handle on the other's policies and finances, and we really need to see a lawyer and get a trust set up. The good news is that we never go anywhere together, so odds are ever in our favor that it'll only be one of us to go.

[econmarie]

We need to set up a will but haven't because we disagree on people. I want my brother and SIL, he wants his cousin. Both are a fine choice. We should just designate both sets and let them decide once we are dead.

[tmclawchick]

Nov 30, 2015 14:09:57 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

My in laws got their will written by a lawyer, but I don't know if you HAVE to use one or not either. Maybe tmclawchick can answer that?

You do not have to use a lawyer (there are DIY sites out there like LegalZoom that allow you to create a will for a low cost), but it's definitely the best option. Websites like legalzoom advertise a very inexpensive product, but the problem is that it doesn't address potential issues that are likely to come up after you pass... definitely one of those "you get what you pay for" situations. An attorney is in the best position to advise on the best way to protect your family and distribute your assets as you want, and unless you're doing something really complicated it shouldn't be ridiculously expensive. 

Editing to add the disclaimer that I am not a practicing attorney and this should not be construed as legal advice. Because I'm a buzzkill.

[abvintage]

I'm talking with my older brother at Christmas to see if he is interested in taking custody. If not, my best friend and her husband are our next choice. We don't have a will but plan to get one after the holidays.

I would love for my parents or my little brother and his wife to have custody but with my parents aging and my SIL and brother barely scraping by with two of their own and talks of more I know they aren't the right choice.

[flippinchica]

We need to discuss this. I think it would be one of our siblings all of which are ok choices but none perfect. Our parents are all in their 70s so too old imo. DH sister and her H would be ok but she has some health issues. My middle sis would be the best choice in some ways but she is single and to religious for our taste. My baby sis and her H are also a possibility but I'm not sure if she wants kids and she is in school 2 hrs away from her H.
This also reminds me that we need to get life insurance set up ASAP

[packmomma]

@piedpiper07 +1 to just not being able to die.

Our parents are in their mid 60's so I don't think we could ask them to do it. Both our best friends have 5 kids each so that's a no go. Older sis would introduce him to a party lifestyle I'm not comfortable with. His sister doesn't get along with H (she thinks his parents were too easy on him) but she would be the best candidate. So we're going to just not die. Crap.

[noname]

+1 to no great options. Either of our parents would be good, but they're getting almost too old. My sister is married with a 3 year old and is great with kids but they struggle financially. DH has 2 unmarried brothers who would have no clue what to do with the girls.

[mommabakes]

My BIL and his wife. They are pretty similar to us in beliefs, financial position, ages, and they obviously love our kids. It took me awhile to get DH to think about it, but finally he agreed to. It's definitely something that I hope never comes to be, but I like knowing that my babies will be in good hands, with the least amount of undue stress.
We don't have a will drawn up, but have talked to them as well as to our parents, so everyone knows. Hoping to get a will drawn up soon.

[lindy]

We do have a will. We used an online website, I can't remember the name. They will go to my sister and her husband. We decided both our parents are too old for raising young kids.

[queenb]

It would be my parents, they're 59 and 57, so not toooo old, and my dad is retiring this year (mom doesn't work). They just make the most sense now, but someday maybe my younger sister and her boyfriend if she gets a few things figured out.

[2dumbdogs]

We are in the process of setting up a trust. Till then, we have to figure this out. We both have a sister with 2sons each. I am very very close with my sister and she would be my preference, but she doesn't have a very strong support system around her. It's important to me that whoever ends up with my daughter makes sure she has both mine and husband's family in her life...but mine is in pa and his in va so it's a challenge. His sister lives blocks from their parents and they can help her out a lot and understand our concerns of her knowing her Yankee family. My sister would love and take great care of her, but would struggle to keep the in laws in her life just because our parents are no real help.

I am the guardian of my sister's kids but she doesn't have a will and I know her mil would create problems. Please get wills everyone!

[layloo08]

N would go to our best friends (Hs and my best friend are married).

We chose this because of the age of our parents. His dad is 60 and my stepdad is 67 and my mom is 54.

[stahlop]

We're on our third kid and we still haven't made a will or decided where the kids would go. If anything were to happen if think my parents would be the best option because I know they'd raise the kids the same religion we are raising them, but they are in their late 60's so I don't know if that'd be feasible. My brother would be next choice, but he's an unmarried bachelor so I doubt that would work. Definitely not dh's parents because he doesn't like the religion he was raised in, plus, age again. Possibly, dh's brother and his wife. While they aren't Jewish, they would probably incorporate it into their lives if they had our children.

I know we definitely need something because if you don't have it written down legally, the state can put your kids into foster care until a relative gets legal custody.

[2dumbdogs]

Why does everyone automatically rule out single people....I would gladly hand my kid to my single cousin in a heartbeat...certainly before many married couples I know.

[arimaythea]

Nov 30, 2015 20:25:29 GMT -5 2dumbdogs said:

Why does everyone automatically rule out single people....I would gladly hand my kid to my single cousin in a heartbeat...certainly before many married couples I know.

For me, it is less an aversion to single people and more a preference for someone with experience with children. I don't personally have any financially stable, dependable single people in my life. The people who are still single are still getting out of their college phase of life.

I would consider my sister or BIL as single caregivers if several years from now they still aren't married, but mature enough to be able to care for my child(ren).

[lindy]

Nov 30, 2015 20:25:29 GMT -5 2dumbdogs said:

Why does everyone automatically rule out single people....I would gladly hand my kid to my single cousin in a heartbeat...certainly before many married couples I know.

We had my sister as getting my older daughter when she was single over several married couples. She just happened to get married this last year. I do agree married does not make better necessarily.

[packmomma]

Single isn't a deal breaker. I think a person with kids would have less of a life change so it's not asking as much. However, H and I were talking tonight and my cousin might a great canidate. How do you approach this with someone?

[ampaints]

It would be my SIL and her husband. We would get their daughter if something happened to them. SIL just asked me one day out of the blue. You should think it would be awkward, but I was actually flattered that yet would trust us to raise their daughter. We need to get a will done and also increase or life insurance again.

If you don't have life insurance please look into it! It is so important!

[noname]

2dumbdogs good point. For us it's that it's my BILs that are single. They have zero experience with children so the hope would be that their SO would have some. If they were married and my sister were single, she'd still be preferred. She's great with kids and has a degree in early childhood development.

[motownthrowdown]

Nov 30, 2015 20:58:46 GMT -5 packmomma said:

Single isn't a deal breaker. I think a person with kids would have less of a life change so it's not asking as much. However, H and I were talking tonight and my cousin might a great canidate. How do you approach this with someone?

I face booked my friend and said "dh and I were talking about mature adult things and we were wondering if you would be able to or want to take A if we both died."

Edit omg typos lol

[laurasuzanne2006]

We are probably going to ask our friends to do it. We haven't spoken to hubby a side of the family in a long time and they be crazy. My parents are old and I disagree with how things were handled as I grew up. My sister has four kids and they are not very "together". We want them raised in our faith. The friends we want to ask are a bit older. They have three kids(two teenagers) they have joint custody with their mom